So, I suppose it would be a good idea to start off with a little info about me and my situation, considering I've never posted here before, just lurked. I'm 24, turning 25 later this month, and ever since I can remember I've wanted to be a girl. There have been many times over the years I wanted to transition, but I kept being in denial about just how much I -need- to do it.

Recently I have fully realized that this is definitely not going away, and that I will never stop hating myself about it if I do not transition. I've realized that if I were to die tomorrow, my biggest regret in life would be not transitioning. Not a single day goes by without me thinking about how I want to be a girl, and feeling like garbage because I'm not one. I have really come to terms with the fact that I know I have to do this, and there is no getting around it. If I don't do it now I will just make it worse on myself in the future.

Anyway, on with the post - here is where I need the help, advice and encouragement.

There is only one person I think I will tell - at first, that is - once I start hrt and being passable I will start outing myself to more.

The one person I'm wanting to tell right now is my girlfriend, who I've been with for a little over a year. She is my first real love - the first person I've been with who wasn't a cheating ->-bleeped-<-, and a liar. She actually does love me, and I her, so thats why I feel like she is the only one who -needs- to know. We also rent out own apartment together.

I feel extremely extremely nervous about telling her. As far as I know she knows nothing about my GID or that I want to transition. It would probably seem out of the blue to her.

But at the same time, she is bi - in fact she started out lesbian and only years later started trying out dudes. I know she finds the female form attractive.

Another thing that makes me hopeful is this: she keeps wanting to dress me up as a girl, like for Halloween and raves and such that we've gone to. She's also expressed (perhaps in jest, perhaps not) that if I had breasts shed want to play with them all day long. Now the thing is, I don't know if she is actually serious about all that.

Another good sign is that last summer, she was down at her sisters house and there was a mtf TS there who had gone full time. My gf spoke very positively of her, expressing that she supported her transition and all that.

Even with these good signs I'm still very nervous. I really, really do not want to lose her, she's pretty much the only person who truly matters to me on this earth. I'm hopeful in that there are good signs, and I could easily see her as the person who is right there for me the whole time, I just don't know how she will take it, and that scares me a lot.

Do you all think I should be concerned, or am I most likely getting myself all worked up over nothing?

Also, I simply do not know how to tell her. This is also an area I need some help with. Should I test the waters? Should I just flat out tell her? What sort of tone should I try making the conversation have? A calm one, like it's no big deal at all? A serious one? Etc.

Seriously, everyone I know could tell me to buzz off after I come out to them, and I wouldn't care. The one and only person whose opinion on the matter I care about, is my girlfriend. (also, just as a side note, I'm completely uninterested with men, so I'd be wanting to remain with her after transitioning)

Thanks for any help you can give me.

well first off welcome to Susan's
as far as how or when to start the coming process is totally subjective of about a gizzilion issues and it would be impossible to do more than just guess what the best, right, or wrong way to go about that is.
I really found myself dependant on my therapist as i developed enough confidence to make that move and then through many months of talks I found the the right moment presented it self and i jumped into the water. realize though that I was testing  a 25 year marriage with 3 grandkids.
the best solution is found in you and what your needs and comfort is and the best way to find that is with some good therapy with people who are familar with the effects of gid and have had a chance to understand each of our needs and where we are. not much of an answer i know but please procede very carefully and with sound advise from the best source you can find the peoples lives we effect and our own are very precious and we need to give due care to that.
Jerri

Welcome

From what you re saying I understand that you girlfriend wont mind at all...
coming out is indeed a difficult and axious process , but needs to be done.

I assuming I can speak for many on here by saying that we wish we had such an open minded significant other. I think you'll be fine. But tell her before she finds out, it'll go a little easier, trust me.

I was in the same boat you're in three months ago. After I told her she was in shock for a little bit but started asking questions and we talked about it for hours after. In the end she said it explained a lot. All the pieces of me that didn't make sense to her and that I couldn't explain now made sense. After that one talk our relationship was so much closer. Was I terrified? I don't think I've ever been more scared. But it's ok now. Everything I use to hide I can finally be open about. Just having one person you can talk to about takes such a huge weight off. The way you've described her it sounds as if she'll understanding. Sometimes you just have to trust that she loves you and take your chances. There's so much to gain.

One thing I'm puzzled about is whether to tell her before or after talking to a therapist. I'm sure a therapist could help, and I believe my insurance should cover it, from what I have read. But, what if my girlfriend disapproves of me going to a therapist without telling her about it, as well as my gender issues in the first place.

The idea of telling her makes me feel a very strange set of emotions all blurred together. There's nervousness of course, but also excitement, and a million other ones I won't list to save space.. If everything goes well, then it will go extremely well. At the same time, it can go just as bad.

While I want to do it right, I also want to just get it over with so I can move on. The waiting is killing me, and I can't stop thinking about it.


Another set of concerns I have has to do with one of my lines of employment - private music lessons in several instruments. I have to deal with the customer personally, and I'm the only person dealing with them. I'm wondering how this may effect my business and how best to deal with it, as I have yet to read much if anything about people transitioning who own and run their own businesses.

Also, thanks to all of you for your responses. It's good to talk to people about this! Even online.

Hi ath,

and welcome to Susans! We have people come to visit us from all over the world, expressing different points of view, and you are likely to find someone to help you along your way Here are some important links and things to ponder as you begin your journey here.

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I think you are in a fortunate position to open a conversation with her.

I hope it all works out

Hugs

Cindy

Hey, I'm not exactly in your position, I'm FTM, but I think I can offer you some advice I was actually in a really good relationship with a girl (who's also bisexual) at the time when my transition began. My girlfriend was the very first person that I told I 'wanted to be a guy'. And in order to keep the conversation really lighthearted, I basically opened the convo by springing the it on her out of nowhere. Like yes, coming out is a serious subject, but if you can, try to keep it as lighthearted as possible (if you start with 'honey, we need to talk' and sit her down, she's automatically gonna get worried). If you talk to her so seriously that she feels pressured about how respond, she may accidentally react badly because of the stress it puts on her.

My conversation basically went like this:
Me: "Hey babe, can I ask you a question?"
Her: "Sure what's up?"
Me: "What do you think of this?" (And I walked into the room dressed in men's clothing with my long hair up under a baseball cap)
Her: "Wow! That's so funny, I can't even tell you're a girl!"
Me: "Yeah? Well that's because I'm not. I realized that I'm transgendered, and that means that I'm a guy, and I'm not you girlfriend anymore, I'm your boyfriend now. Do you still love me?"
Her: "Oh, wow. That's crazy. But of course I still love you! I'd love you no matter what."

And that was when I sat her down and talked about it and explained what it means to be trans. Like, the hardest part about coming out is initiating the conversation, so if you'd be comfortable handling it like I handled it, I think it'll go really well for you just don't worry about it. Your girl sounds really cool, and I think she'll accept you no matter what. Even if you do choose to handle the conversation in a totally different way (the success of it depends on the type of relationship you guys have, I think), I'm sure you'll be fine. Be confident, and your girl will pick up on that and take you seriously good luck in your transition!

Yeah, I've been thinking of using the same approach as you, nemo. I don't know if I would do it dressed as a girl or not, though. I'm kind of hoping she just asks to paint my nails again or something, and just telling her I'm trans then.

It's comforting to hear that just flat out stating it calmly works well. That sounds the way to go for me since I have a very easy time being outwardly calm.

It sounds like you've already tested the waters a little bit. You've been paying attention to her reactions in other gender-relevant situations. So far it sounds like you could tentatively draw some positive conclusions.

I agree with Nemo that keeping initial discussions casual will make it easier on both of you. Honestly, when I told my significant other when I was first transitioning, I didn't think too hard on it ahead of time and kinda just wandered into the topic while we were talking about other things. It went well and nobody felt like they had their back against the wall about anything.

I think a lot of us had the same experience you did about knowing we had to transition, but spending years trying not to know.

You might need to be ready to accept it if your girlfriend doesn't want to stay romantic with you through your transition, but if you read the forums or go to support groups I'm sure you'll see lots of examples of relationships (regardless of sexual orientation) that survived and even were strengthened by the experience. I'm not myself with the person I was dating when I came out, but we are close friends.

Best of luck going forward with this.

She sounds like she'd be very supportive, but of course you can never know until you know. Maybe speak to the therapist first, that way you'll have a clearer idea of the path ahead for yourself and will be able to answer more questions she might have...but don't keep it too long to tell her. All the best!

I wonder if she doesn't already suspect something? When you tell her, your experience would give you an ideal lead in, as in "you know those times when we <insert event or events>? Well, the reason I liked them so much is because..." and just go from there.

I would definitely see a therapist first. She or he will be able to diagnose the gender disphoria and give you some coming out tips and ideas. If you girlfriend confronts you about this, just tell her you wanted to make sure first before you said anything. If she finds out you're seeing a therapist before coming out to her, then just come clean.

Your girlfriend sounds a lot like mine (bi, TG friendly), but only 1/2 the age. I am still in a relationship with mine and it is stronger than ever. She has become my lover, life partner, confidante and mentor. She's also been a great sounding board and has helped me navigate the world of womanhood. She's definitely a "boobs" girl and I enjoy it when I have to tell her "eyes up here, missy."

Hard to say how she, or anyone else, would react. Be prepared for shock and confusion, although I think it's safe to say you won't have to deal with disgust. At her age, you should also be prepared for her to decide that she does want a relationship with a man at this point in her life and would like to raise a family, at which time you can suggest adoption. And if you do break up, it sounds like it has the potential to be on good terms, in which case you would have a confidante and mentor.

So, in short:

- See a therapist first.
- Sounds like she will be accepting of the situation
- Be prepared for any number of reactions

And if she's anything like my girlfriend (and she sounds like she is) be prepared to make a lot of "eyes up here" and "not now, dear, I'm trying to get dressed" comments.

Good luck!

Jane

While I don't know if shed want to leave me for a man, she is very adamant about not wanting to have kids ever. She is one of 8 siblings, some of whom are over 20 years older than her. She has a huge number of nieces and nephews, even one older than her. She says if she ever wants kids she'll just borrow one of the nieces or nephews haha. She wants kids even less than I do (and I don't want them. Although I am good with kids and fine being around them. My job was once to deal with individual kids that have extremely horrible behavior, so I am used to even the most difficult cases.)

But anyway, since we feel like kids would totally derail our lives, we don't want any. So I'm not too concerned about her leaving me to have kids. If she really wanted them I don't think she would be with me as is. I can also bank sperm in case we ever change our minds.

hello ath,

sounds like you have a very supportive person in your life to me. I am in a relationship with a FTM and when i saw him for the first time I already thought that this person might be trans*. However it took him another 2month until he admitted that officially to himself and I was very happy myself when suddenly everything got rolling very fast from his side. Obviously I don't know your gf but she seems to be this kind of person who feelknows it already. At least all the hints you got from her sound like that to me.
But do give her some time to get used to it, even for me (although i've feltknown it at first sight) it was still surprising when there was the social name-change and things got more concrete. not that i felt uncomfortable but i guess it was just this discrepancy between thinking about it and actually living through it/next to it. maybe you can tell her as well to have a look in this forum for the SO it really really helped me as i felt very alone sometimes with my experience. especially if you don't want her to talk with other people about it as this would out you...

i wish you confidence in your talk & happiness on your trajectory

Ath,

There is a lot of very good advice here already, and nothing I disagree with.

It sounds like you are in a strong relationship with a solid foundation.  I find that honesty & openness are the best tools I have in keeping my marriage strong.

Don't worry about her reaction to you seeing a therapist.  If positive, then there's nothing to worry about.  If negative, then you just say you were concerned about hurting her & wanted to talk things through with someone else first (this sounds like it is true for you).

Let us know how things go.  Know that for everyone who posts, there are another few also wishing you every success & joy 

Tessa

I think the time I tell her is approaching very soon.

Sometimes when I'm doing something in life that takes a lot of willpower, I get this certain feeling when my internal resolve hits the point of action. It's like a big buildup leading to a single moment where things click and I pull a Nike and just do it - the thing that is requiring the willpower. I feel like I'm building up to a time like that now, and I'm nearing the point where I just tell her.

I'm not even sure why I've been having a hard time telling her. I'm not really afraid of any of the aspects of transition. They're all things I look forward to, and I'm not worried about how that all will turn out. I'm not worried about my looks seeing as my sister and I are so similar in height (I'm like 2cm taller at about 182cm, 6ft or so. So like an inch difference, but we're both tall) and in the way our faces look, that we've been asked if we're twins on multiple occasions, even though she's several years older than me. My girlfriend always says we have the same face.

On top of that I've been working on my female voice for a few years - at this point I can pass on the phone or using any sort of voice chat. The linguistics classes I took in college definitely helped me on that one.

Plus, I know my family would be supportive (it only consists of my mother and sister). I flat out don't care if my friends are supportive, as new friends can be made, and the ones I lose are just bad people to have as friends anyway. That being said my friends are pretty much all hippies, who definitely wouldn't care about me changing my gender. My best friend is pretty much the king of the hippies, and I already know he'd be totally cool with it. On top of that he's the one person I'd trust any secret with, with total faith. He's the next choice of person I'm telling after my girlfriend. I'm not even afraid of telling him.

As for the job aspect, I am my own employer, and make enough to support myself and save money. No boss to tell, no HR to deal with, only customers, who know they'll have a hard time finding services of my type and caliber easily, at least in my area, so I'm also not afraid of losing my customer base.

I think I'm just having difficulty telling my girlfriend because there's really nothing else standing in my way to start transition. Whether I'm taken or single is going to hinge on me telling her, and it sucks that I have to consider the possibility of losing her because finding her was really special to me. I've never had a relationship that has gone this smoothly in my life. But I need to tell her, and I'm going to do it soon. Really, until I tell her, I'm just living a lie and being dishonest. I think it's time to act. I'll keep you all updated.

So I DID IT and it went pretty well. Totally not how I expected I would go into the conversation, either. Also, I had no idea I was going to going to do it until a few minutes before I did it.

I wanted to be more casual with it, but we were in the midst of a serious conversation already - discussing what we wanted to do with our lives - so I figured it was as good a time as any and I didn't know when the next moment would come that would work so well.

I was extremely nervous, before going into it. I couldn't even make myself just flat out say it like I wanted to. So instead, I forced my hand and told her something (i forget exactly what) that pretty much made me have to finish telling her once I started. I still had a long pause, but I eventually worked the sentence telling her about me wanting to be a woman out of my mouth.

She was relieved that that's all I was telling her. We had a long conversation and I explained more about it, and about all sorts of stuff.

She said she supports me 100%, and that she will always be there for me. She said she will see if she wants to remain with me in a romantic sense as things progress. She says she fell in love with me as a male and also likes my body as is, but also could see herself liking me as a female. She said she's with me for the long haul, at least until we've figured out how everything will play out.

Overall, very good experience, and I feel like I'm a million pounds lighter. Thanks for all your replies and advice and all that, they were very helpful and I don't know if it'd have even happened yet without all of you

Wow, congratz! Sounds like everything turned out all right for for you. I'm sure that must've been extremely hard for you to do. I know how stressed out I get when I have something hard to say to someone; I basically play out the scenario in my head over and over, from mine and their points of view. I go over what I want to say and then what I think they might say back, and repeat... When I actually do get around to talking about it, it never goes as planned anyway. Also, I usually want to wait for the perfect timing which usually takes forever and keeps me stressing longer. I'm glad that you were able to tell her though; honesty is everything in a relationship imo, glad she took it well also. Hope everything continues to go well for you.

-Kelly

Congratulations! I'm glad it went well and you played your cards right--if you had not told her at that point then it would have been even that much harder to tell her in the weeks and months to comes.

Good luck!

Jane