I called the suicide hotline, but they didn't give me any hope....

I've Always felt alone and shame my whole life about my identity. To ease the pain I have made serious mistakes by being in bad relationships. The first relationship was with a woman with BPD she refused treatment and things got very abusive and the children were being neglected. I left that relationship and got custody of the kids. Being a 22 year old single father who had no social network and a crippled identity led me to my second serious relationship where eventually the inner woman came out. This relationship was also bad for both myself and my existing children. I tried going to reparative therapy and of course that did not work. Eventually this relationship broke up. Now I was a single father again with three kids, still no social support, a more fractured identity and a huge amount of child support to pay. I couldn't afford transition, had no social support network and my therapist thought it would be bad for my kids to transition. I was also an emotional wreck because my kids have suffered divorce which I grew up suffering from and promised to never make my kids endure it. It saddens me beyond belief to live life as a broken family. I've been doing it since I was ten and still hurt from my own decision which have led to a broken family for my kids. So in effect I continue to suffer the pain of my parents divorce through repeating myself. So I went into deep denial and grew my beard and attracted a beautiful amazing woman. The only caveat was that she suffers from BPD but has been in therapy for 10 years and has most of it under control. I thought I was open, up front and told her all about my gender issues. But what I didn't know was that she apparently didn't fully understand. I also told her that if I were to have a kid with her that I wouldn't raise the child separate as single parents ever. I just couldn't go through that again. Well when she hit eight months pregnant my alarm went off and all of my gender issues came to the front for me. Looking at the pattern in myself it just keeps getting more intense every time. Thus the prognosis based on this site and all of my other reading is that if I don't address it I will die a depressed miserable old man. I equate it to a slow working brain cancer that will cause lots of suffering and pain and eventually kill me. Treatment is simple, transition. Well I've got my letter for hormones but my girlfriend can't handle any of this and has started to fill out her application for subsidized housing. I can't go back to being alone and a single parent again. I can't let my little girl grow up and not see her everyday. I don't see how I can parent given how depressed this is all making me. The only thing I see in life is suffering. My brother has schizophrenia and won't talk to anyone in the family anymore. This has sent my parents into a deep depression. They have still not gotten out of that depression. I too struggle with it. Everyone I know is poor and depressed and struggling. I don't see any hope. I honestly think it would be best if my gene pool dies off. Evolution will see to it regardless in the long run. I don't want to hurt my children, but I have to question which would be more harmful to them. Seeing their father depressed and unable to get out of bed every day or perhaps them knowing I have ended my suffering.

Calming the beast a bit doesn't have to be super expensive. Sometimes just dressing the part can give some relief. You can save small amounts over time for therapy or HRT. If you have your kids, you should have medicaid in you are in the US. That will cover both.

Kids can handle transition better than you may think.

Genzen, first, slow down. Disconnect from the net for a few minutes. Take some deep breaths and try to center yourself. Your thoughts right now seem very scattered about a sea of heartbreak. You need to take a minute to get your center back.

You sound like you are in a great deal of hurt and injury. Right now that seems to manifest in extreme thoughts - this might change once the initial fight - or - flight response slows down. Can you come up with a plan to keep yourself safe until you can contact someone for help (friend, suicide prevention clinic, a councillor, anyone you find trustworthy and reliable?)

If that doesn't work and it intensifies you need to get emergency help, call emergency services, get assessed by a physician. There can be real physiologic conditions as well as  psychological conditions which are making things even harder to cope with.

lastly, a link to the sticky, https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,112674.0.html

People do care, even strangers. Try to stay safe, at least until you can consider getting further help.

Thanks for the replies. I'm not going to do anything at the moment and have calmed down a bit, but I don't know how there can be a happy resolution to any of this as there is simply no hope except in the form of repression.

All of her friends are telling me to wait until the kids move out. Since I have a 2 month old that is a long time from now. I'm not allowed to dress or show any form of feminine expression, she only is attracted to me when I get my hair cut short and grow a bit of facial hair out. I feel like I'm being put in a box. Her BPD is making any sort of compromise impossible. I feel that nobody understands me at all and that makes sense since they are all CIS. It's hard to live in a world of CIS people. It ultimately feels like nobody really cares about how I feel.

I have a high deductible health insurance plan, so that means I have to pay for everything out of pocket until I hit my $5,000 deductible. So going to emergency care is not an option at this point as that would cause me to go into serious debt. So much for Obama Care... I actually pay more this year for this plan than I did last year.

You may be able to qualify for Medicaid as was suggested before.

Your current plan sounds like one that will be dropped next year since it does not meet new federal requirements. You are no longer bound to one plan, and the plan you are on is not the type a trans person would need... or a parent. There are a ton of plans out there that cover emergency services.

Really, take a look and consider contacting your current insurance provider to see what else they offer.

Many of us here have been suicidal. I have. I know the questions those hotlines ask by heart now. They are trained to go through a checklist and then offer to call an ambulance for you.  It can help in some cases, but it is not foolproof.

Really, though, you understand BPD, schitzophrenia and dysphoria first hand, treatment for dysphoria is actually more reliable than current treatments for the other two conditions. Take the steps to help yourself. You will be amazed at how different it will make your outlook.

I can't figure out the path back to my suicidal depression, and I was there six months ago. HRT does work. But to get to where I am today, I had to do a bunch if research, and change my insurance plan to something I could afford. It is possible. It helps to work towards a positive outcome.

Please, do not be a stranger. We are here for you.

Aloha
Tori

Thank you for checking in Genzen. You sound very clear today and are able to state your issues clearly. With that, Tori gave excellent feedback with regards to accessing care. In my opinion the first thing it sounds you may need immediately is access to affordable councling and therapy. While we love and support you here you need a trusted, impartial professional to help resolve your complex family and identity issues. Being here in Canada, my feedback to this is limited but a number of American forum goers can provide some help.

My girlfriend suggested I try DBT, it has helped her tremendously I have a call into the intake and I'm waiting for a call back. In the mean time I found this music really helped calm me down:

I was suicidal a year ago and I believe I am here now due to Therapy, Susan's Place and HRT. Many LGBT centers offer sliding scale therapy and access to HRT inexpensively.

The pivot point was if I transitioned I could lose everything (Wife, daughter, family, job and friends) if I died I would lose everything. I chose to transition and the 2nd half of my life I will live for me and accept the consequences. To my surprise I am still married and have a job and I am pretty glad I stayed around. I am going slow which I think is key.

Your daughter needs you even part time. Part time beets no time.

Hugs, stay in touch.

Sorry you are having all these problems... I have BPD and would highly recommend DBT/mindfulness (: I think they are skills that can help anyone, especially mindfulness.

Can you see a therapist?

Hugs and good luck!

I also have BPD (supposedly) and highly recommend DBT or CBT. It won't do anything for the gender stuff, but it is useful for depression, emotion regulation, and crisis skills among others.
By the way, it trivializes your girlfriend to blame her opinions and attraction on her BPD and is psychologically abusive. She can't help what she is attracted to anymore than any other person can. That's not to say compromise is impossible, but it doesn't happen often even with people who have never been diagnosed with an illness. This may sound harsh (and it is), but I've seen this happen too many times not to know what it is and fight against it.

Quote from: Edge on February 01, 2014, 01:15:22 PM
I also have BPD (supposedly) and highly recommend DBT or CBT. It won't do anything for the gender stuff, but it is useful for depression, emotion regulation, and crisis skills among others.
By the way, it trivializes your girlfriend to blame her opinions and attraction on her BPD and is psychologically abusive. She can't help what she is attracted to anymore than any other person can. That's not to say compromise is impossible, but it doesn't happen often even with people who have never been diagnosed with an illness. This may sound harsh (and it is), but I've seen this happen too many times not to know what it is and fight against it.

Agreed.. I thought this too and didn't want to say it :X pwBPD are people too... it doesn't invalidate their opinions and preferences...