Grace posted something about an hour ago that finally made me break down.

I had several great women as friends for 30 years while working for the State of California.  We always kept in touch as we moved up the ladder and changed jobs.  And there were some wonderful women working in the groups I managed over the years who I always tried to encourage towards their dreams.   And yet I wish every one of them had known why I cherished their friendships as women, and why I cared for them as unique individuals.  Some of these women now know about my new life, and others don't.

But the two women I've known the longest and still care for the most don't yet know I'm transsexual.  We always talked about our lives, troubles, fears, marriages, and desires.  They were closer to me than any of other friends, and I feel so guilty because I've told so many while avoiding them.  It hurts that I can't let them know I was hiding behind a well constructed facade, and the courage to let them learn something so deeply personal hasn't come to me yet. 

I cried about it this morning.  It's time for a talk with Linda and Irene.

Thank you for the post Grace.  It didn't exactly relate to my problem, but it made me want to talk to two women I actually love as dear friends.

Coward? I don't know about that. You have been moving, its seems, closer to the big reveal by disclosing to some of your confederates that dark secret which been the author of such torment for you. It's a process Kathy, and now you are ready to put those more cherished comeradeships to the test. Bravo.    You're way ahead of me.

Coward? Since when? I have re read quite a few of your post's and the word coward is not seen once or even implied. Take it easy on yourself girl! 

Hey Kath,

The word "coward" doesn't apply to some people .. boxers for instance. Anyone who has the balls to get into a ring, in front of a crowd, and lay it all on the line is anything but a coward.

Transgenders who take bold steps are in the same category: Pathologically fearless. I've been in a ring. The fear was mild compared to an impending, life-altering orchiectomy, coming out to my wife and two boys (scared the hell out of me), eventually telling my business partner and students that I've always been a chick and walking out of the house in drag. Whoa!

I don't know what your next move is but no matter what you do I wouldn't categorize it a cowardly. If you were my friend I wouldn't see you as anything other than Kath. It wouldn't matter to me whether you were trans or natural or from another planet.

Just my two cents,

Danielle

Hi Kathy

You will not remember me. I used to spend a lot of time here - too much - and this place does my head in. I can still read it, the key is to not be able to contribute so I do not get into arguments. Nonetheless I have been following your story since I left. When I make an occasional visit I make a point of reading your posts. I set up this temporary account just to make this post.

It seems to me you are not suffering from cowardice. It looks more likely that you value the opinions of these two women who are precious to you and that you worry about rejection from them. Many of us are no strangers to rejection by women we are close to, so the worry is an understandable one.

Nonetheless, you do have a choice. You can leave these two women with memories of you as you were. If you have not seen them for quite some time, what will telling them achieve? Will you be seeing them frequently in the future? Are you really going to "pop in" to their lives, tell them, and vanish again? I doubt you see them regularly or they would know about your transition and all the attendant upset that accompanies a transition.

In my own case, I faced a similar choice with a very close friend who moved far away. When I transitioned I had not seen him for 10 years and we are bad at keeping in touch, so I chose to let him go and to keep the memories of me that he had. Similarly for his family all of whom I got on very well with. I know that my transition would upset them so I have left them happy in their ignorance of my condition.

Obviously you must do whatever you feel is right for you. There is nothing worse than regrets for things left undone, but do consider it as an option.

I hope things improve for you and that the worst and most upsetting parts of transition are behind you now.

Quote from: kathyk on January 31, 2014, 08:34:43 AM
But the two women I've known the longest and still care for the most don't yet know I'm transsexual.  We always talked about our lives, troubles, fears, marriages, and desires.  They were closer to me than any of other friends, and I feel so guilty because I've told so many while avoiding them.  It hurts that I can't let them know I was hiding behind a well constructed facade, and the courage to let them learn something so deeply personal hasn't come to me yet. 

Hold on...did I not get the memo or what?
Since when is there a timetable for telling anyone a damn thing?
You haven't told them for a reason.  That reason is you haven't felt comfortable about telling them till now.  You have to do what works for YOU.  End of story. 

Hey hon, glad to help even if it did make you sad.  I guess the thing is that you just needed to conquer other parts of your life first. Here's the opportunity for you to now let these two dear friends know the real you and the chance for you to build an even closer friendship with them. I really wish you all the best!
Hugs
Grace

Thank you girls.  I do appreciate everything you said.

There's a bit more to the story, but it's very personal and it's between these two women and me.  However, news about my life is slowly spreading around the offices, and since I had business dealings with so many people each of these two are bound to hear about me fairly soon.  And I'd rather be the one to explain it in my own words first, without defending myself against what others may have said. 

The funny thing about this is they were both born on the same day (tomorrow, Feb 1) and are off with their husbands doing whatever they do on a personal birthday holiday.  I've already sent out a note for them to read on Monday, and asked them to call or give me a non-office phone number I can call.

Almost forgot.   Hugs Grace. 

And Pro, I had hoped there'd be no reason to ever explain my life to these wonderful ladies, but gossip changes things.  Oh well. Sigh 

Linda just sent me a note.  She opened her email even though she was off doing stuff.  She said she can't talk to me until she has time to let it set in.  She's the dearest of the two women, and I wish I'd waited till next week.  It's her birthday weekend, and I certainly didn't mean to f-up that.

What's done is done.