First off I want to apologize for referencing the Oedipus Complex as I'm well aware it can be a sticky subject, however I find that I can relate to it and it may help explain my gender identity as MTF as well as my struggle to acknowledge it and move through the phallic stage. If you don't agree with this theory that is fine, however I'm just trying to use it to begin theoretically understanding a possible root cause of this transference as I believe it's an excellent sign of something I should explore and hope that this analysis may be helpful for others in their journeys. I just ask that we don't use this thread to debate the Oedipus Complex and simply use it as one possible template to begin to understand human development. I welcome other theories and interpretations.

I had a slightly disturbing yet very arousing fantasy as I was driving home from therapy yesterday. There was no actual sex, but there are undertones of an incestual relationship. I imagined my therapist adopting me as a mom and helping me through transition emotionally and physically. She would be so nurturing and comforting quelling all of my fears of whether or not this is the right thing to do and that it just simply is something that needs to be done including SRS which is something that I have never really felt a need for. I imagined living with her and experiencing this supportive environment. She is so loving, warm and sensual. But there is theme of castration in this fantasy that parallels my childhood and can be seen in the Oedipus Complex theory. In real life my mom is a castrating man lover. She had a love hate relationship with her father. She promised my father unconditional warmth and love to help fix his absent mother problems had from growing up with a mother that would barely touch him, but she eventually divorced him after years of cheating on him. She actively has a cock-hold type relationship with a man now and claims she is not interested in sex at all anymore. I believe my mom has a love hate relationship with her father and men. At the same time my father has both been there and not for me growing up. I guess I can say I've always felt loved, however I don't feel as though he was very present in my life. Perhaps due to his own crippling emotional issues from his upbringing.

So in my analysis if one were to apply the Oedipus Complex I have developed my gender identity as woman since my mother is overbearing and essentially castrated my father. My father also not being present enough didn't realize what was going on and didn't pull me out of that by helping me to identify with him. I subconsciously realized as I got older what was going on and my mother was quick to divorce my father when I was 9. I had grown a lot of emotional affection for my father however he just wasn't around enough. The divorce only intensified my love for my father and I yearned to live with him. Eventually I became so unruly and disrespectful of my mother that she had no option other than to send me to live with him at the age of 15. I was angry that I had to become the man of the house and that she treated my father like crap. Things start to get complicated here now that I have split identities so I'm not really getting any of my developmental needs met either as male nor female. I cope with drugs and many failed relationships that all bore children to help further complicate my life.

So in the end I'm curious to know what others think of my personal analysis. I've dumped a lot of personal information here so please handle with care.

I will need to bring up the questions below to my therapist but I wanted to post these to see if others can relate or have any insight:

- Is it possible to have dual gender identities? Freud seems to think it is a binary thing yet I think many of us have concluded that it is not so. How does one handle a dual gender identity? Am I likely to have some level of dual gender identity as a result of the theoretical break in "ideal" human development? Of course the "ideal" is a joke and a new "ideal" is obviously needed to accommodate our human evolution since cave men days.

- Why is my fantasy so arousing? There seems to be undertones of incest for me. Is it possible that my overbearing mother held my super-ego hostage as a result of my upbringing? Even to this day my mothers physical presence makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I remember as a child though wishing that my mother would come into my room at night to have sex with me. It was a pretty common fantasy for many years.

- Is there any hope for my fiancee and I? She has daddy issues and I believe I've been helping to fulfill them to an extent.

- Is there any possibility that I need to be worried about transference on my therapists end? She is the mother of a FTM transexual.

"Dual Gender Identities" would fall into the category of "Multiple Personality Disorder".

That is an issue I raised & talked through with my wife's therapist.  In my case it appears that the apparent duality of my personalities is most likely due to my extreme repression of my desire to be female from the age of 5.  I submerged myself so well, that the abuse I received from 8-12 was relatively easy to deal with later on.  While I am now feeling more whole, it is taking me a quite while to allow those parts of myself I had submerged to rise to the surface and become reintegrated into the person whom I have now become.  Progress is slow and I do have a long way to go.  Seeing the progress I have been making gives me hope that there will be a time when my past no longer haunts me, or at least not nearly as thoroughly as it has been.

When we fail to receive sufficient nurturing from our parents, we tend to seek for that connection elsewhere.  I reached out in emotionally unhealthy ways to others and was unable to comprehend why they recoiled from me when I rushed a high degree of emotional &/or physical intimacy.  It took me much work over many years to become capable of being emotionally responsible in my relationships with others.  I did most of this work with my NA sponsors (one in particular), and I have had a couple of excelent therapists over the years.

I realise I have not addressed your questions specifically.  It seems to me that these are questions that can only be addressed by a well-grounded therapist who has a good understanding of your history and your present circumstances.  Consider what I have said about how a lack of parental nurturing can lead to poor emotional growth, which in turn can cause a person to respond inappropriately in social situations (eg: me, for far too many years).  Then discuss your questions with your therapist.

Good luck.  Your journey is just starting and looks like it will be interesting.  Be well.

Tessa

Dual gender identity = bigender

There are many ways to express bigender nature. I am a trauma based DID system with cisgender alters of different gender. www.BiGender.net is an on line forum for people who are more than one gender.