I have nowhere else to turn right now. This is the worst I have eved felt in my entire life. I feel dead inside and this is the first time I have literally felt crazy. Like I feel worthless and dead I can't even describe how bad and I can't stop crying. I just want to die so bad right now.

I have had such a bad week. I am back in anorexia and have lost a lot of weight again. I feel like the most worthless freak alive. I feel physicaaly unable to eat or drink. I just looked in the mirror and I hate myself so much. I look sickly with a weird hybrid body my lips are cracked and bleeding. I have nothing going for me at this point. I have never wanted to die more and I have never felt like the odds were against me making it through like I do right now.

I feel like this is it honestly like game over

First of all thanks for reaching out here, that is the right thing to do

It's a shame to see you upset like this, and I hope you pull out of it soon. There is still a lot to be happy for- I promise.

Did something happen that pushed you over the edge? Sometimes things can boil up all at once and it sucks, sometimes it even seems like nothing could possibly ever be right. That hopelessness is probably some kind of anxiety or a feeling of a loss of control- maybe about your body, or your whole situation. I know, I have felt the same thing before and it can be debilitating.

Just know that there are tons of success stories to prove that it DOES get better. Hang in there!

Wanted to add... something that really helped me out is knowing that everything is going to be okay and that you will get through this. Try some breathing if you can.. not all the way in or all the way out, just relax and take normal depth breaths once about every 4-5 seconds..... or in slightly for 2 and out slightly for 3

Thank you for reaching out like you did. It takes a lit of curradge to come out and put it out like you did. I'm going to suggest some thing that may sound odd. And of course there is the generic speaking to your therapist or a crisis line and if you don't have one please seek one out.
However to my suggestion. First cover all your mirrors in your house. For genereral matinence ie shaving or well that's all you really need a mirror for. Or I do any way. Uncover one for just long enough to do that task. Next and this will be the hard part. Think about your self, not how you look but you. And find that one part that you truly love about your self. Then use that love and transfer it to the rest of your self.

I'm not going to say that will help but it may. Please continue to post to us here we will help how we can. And sis you are beautefull inside and out. Hold your head high Hun.

I think I'm just too damaged for things to get better. There's so many things about me even I don't understand and sometimes I just feel really lost and alone and to top it off, I don't even feel at home in my own body. I'm starting to hate my face and body and I just wana leave it all. My existence makes no sense and really I just don't see it getting any better. I almost wish someone would tell me that. Be like...what's the point, give up cuz like, I dunno

Im kinda numb atm, I got to where I was crying so hard I started laughing and now I'm just likee emotionally flatlined

I'm sorry you are feeling this terrible  .  Please don't let how you are feeling at this moment determine the rest of your life with a permanent solution. Just please look at all the alternatives to solving your issues and finding peace before doing anything rash. 

What's troubling you?  It sounds like many things, so let's tackle each problem.   If you have an eating disorder, know that many people have made it through even though it's hard and debilitating.  My sister has treated and cared for many women with such problems and has seen them live productive and happy lives after conquering it.  You can do it to.  If you feel lost and alone, ask yourself what would make you feel fulfilled and or happy.  Maybe your current path feels like a dead end and doesn't make sense, but you can always start over again.  There is so much to do and things to be and people to meet.   

I'm sorry, I know I'm not much help, but I really want to help in any possible way I can.  I'm here if you ever need to talk.

 Game is not over. don't isolate yourself.  you are trans not a freak.   being trans you got a bad break.
it's a SOB.
Join a trans support group who aren't gung ho promoters.if you want. do you have BDD ?
see your PCP?   you have to pull yourself together. do you think you are the only feels this way. 
 

I had severe anorexia when I was 20. I was going to school and some students that I really didn't know told me that I was dying, a teacher approached me and told me I should talk to a counselor. I took their advice and I'm a live today many years latter and transitioning . I'm thankful  people were willing to help me  because I was so very close to death. I would just not eat.  The more I didn't eat the more I didn't want to eat. You lucky because you know what your doing is not good. I didn't know. I thought I was just practicing a strict vegetarian diet. I had no clue I was dying , but I was. People helped me see and I am so grateful to all of them for saving my life. I truly love them. I haven't had the greatest life. I've been lonely and hurt. I'm transgender ,but couldn't admit it. I've done things in my life both bad and good. I am happy though that I've been able to make it this far. To be honest my true love is god. Life is worth experiencing and there are such good people out there that want to help you .Just reach out your hand and someone will hold it.

<<TRIGGER WARNING>> I'm discussing suicide and ->-bleeped-<-.

Quote from: jussmoi4nao on February 02, 2014, 07:00:07 AM
I think I'm just too damaged for things to get better. There's so many things about me even I don't understand and sometimes I just feel really lost and alone and to top it off, I don't even feel at home in my own body. I'm starting to hate my face and body and I just wana leave it all. My existence makes no sense and really I just don't see it getting any better. I almost wish someone would tell me that. Be like...what's the point, give up cuz like, I dunno

Im kinda numb atm, I got to where I was crying so hard I started laughing and now I'm just likee emotionally flatlined

First I just want to say that you are badass. Reaching out when you are feeling so screwed up and vulnerable is incredibly, incredibly hard and that you were able to do so shows an extraordinary amount of will. Seriously, like Sheala said, you are very, very brave.

Not long after I was 17, I swallowed a bottle of codeine pills hoping I wouldn't wake up. Obviously, it didn't work out that way. I got lucky. I'm just saying this so that when I say: I know what that feels like, I know what it's like to stare in a mirror and tell myself that I'm pathetic and useless and hopeless and I hate you I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU... you believe me. That I've cried so hard I've started laughing and I've felt so numb that I've wondered if I was already dead.

It is horrible. It is so ->-bleeped-<-ing horrible and I am so, so sorry that is the space you are in. You start laughing at yourself, at how pointless everything is, at how impossible it seems and then you just check out because you can't deal with the pain anymore. It hurts so bad that you just want everything to stop. I'm sorry, love. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could carry some of your pain.

But you need to know that that sick, black feeling in you? That tells you that you are weak and worthless and pathetic and a waste of breath, of life? It is LYING to you. It's bull->-bleeped-<-. You are clever and charming and strong and beautiful and a survivor. And things are anything but hopeless, because things are NEVER hopeless. As long as you are breathing there is hope.

Cause the end of my story isn't that bottle of pills. The end is that I am endlessly and overwhelmingly grateful that I got lucky. That I woke up and that I kept going. I'm not going lie. I staggered through depression for ages after that attempt. It took me a long, long time to find my way back to my life. But I did. And it's pretty grand these days. Better than I ever imagined I'd get.

And, you? It isn't gonna take you half as long to get back to a good place. Because you are braver than me. Better than me. You are here asking for help and I never had that kind of strength. You got this. You've already experienced the absolute worst and you are still breathing. You can do this. You can get through this.

Some practical advice? Take some time to not think. Listen to music, work out, watch a show, read a book, make yourself do something where you just stop considering all this. Just let yourself be a vegetable for a bit in self-defense. Cause then you are going to need to talk to someone. Posting here is a good start, but the next step is talking to someone you trust and then getting yourself a therapist (or talking to them if you've already got one). Because you need someone looking out for you. I know that's super hard and scary, but you really need someone to help you carry this thing. It WILL make it easier.

You will get through this. Don't listen to that voice in your head. You are a really strong person. I believe in you.

If you ever want to talk. I'm always happy to listen. Much love,

Sar

I hope you feel better soon.

I just this week was feeling pretty down myself, I was going over all the "flaws" I saw in myself. My bad eye sight, my tinnitus in my right ear, my hyper activity, my slight underbite,my long face and how I am always pale. Why you ask? because I finally took notice I might be going bald. It hit my confidence pretty bad, and I started questioning why even bother trying to transition to come out and tell my parents how I felt. I felt like nothing ever seems to go my way, that there was always something to make my situation worse and worse. I was crying and felt drain all week.

Then something hit me, I don't want to give up over small things. These are minor things minor walls in my way of trying to actually seek some form of happiness in the world. My mom always says "keep swimming" and I've taken it to heart. Anytime I feel bad - I consider how lucky I am. I am still alive and pretty healthy regardless and I don't want to give.

SO keep swimming Jussmoi - I've seen your pictures and videos - you are a beautiful person and your doing far better then me! Find what makes you happy and grab it don't let go.

You can do it keep swimming!

Good grief woman, deep breaths!

Your lips are cracked from dehydration. Easily fixed by drinking enough water.

Extended anorexia brings on permanent heart damage. Stop that!

I logged on to Skype just for you .. will stay here as long as I can..  danielle_loves_korea

You are not alone.

Yeah the anorexia is bad. Its pretty much been a constant thing for like a year and a half almost. At my best I'm just above under weight and at my worst I'm severely unde and its not as easy as just stopping, at my worst eating makes me physically I'll and feels impossible. And then when I gain weight it gives me panic attacks.

I'm really not very healthy atm. At this point I feel weak and tired all the time and can barely move. Something as little as going up the stairs makes me lightheaded and sometimes nauseaus or like I will pass out, and I try to hide it but everyone around me is pretty worried. Someone gave me speed like a week ago and I hadn't eaten and had a bit to drink and I felt like I was going to die, literally.

All of that is just one of a million massive things and its more than just my circumstances. I'm tired of my own skin and this entire life. Its just that I know if I did something it would put my mom in the hospital and ruin my little sisters life, cuz shed lose a sibling and a mother and she's already been too much at 12 y/o. And everyone would hate me and act like it was my fault. When I was 10 actually, my mom had a breakdown (she's bipolar) and we had to stay with my older sister and she told me it was my fault it happened, soo I know they'd blame me. But its just whatever. Like I said I'm numb atm so I'm just going to not think if that's possible

I don't know if your seeing a therapist or not , but it seems like the perfect time to be doing that. I hadn't eaten for about the same as you about a couple of years. I had been through a big problem with doing drugs . I never wanted to eat when I did drugs . then went to school and was so used to not eating. All I did was coffee and some vegetables and an egg. I was below 100 lbs and I'm 5'7. I don't know how I was able to stay alive for that long. I took a break from school to visit a friend in New Mexico and ended up staying there and getting a job. I realized I needed to start eating to be able to work. Once I started eating again I realized I hurt myself by not eating for so long . Luckily its never been a problem since then.

Call someone now.  Any help line, any friend, any free county Psych line.  Just talk to someone. 

If you can't bear to make that call, then PM one of us and we'll discuss it.  But do something tonight.  You matter to us, we care, and we want you to know you're one our loving sisters. 

Feeling any better? Just checking in!

Quote from: Jennygirl on February 03, 2014, 05:57:38 AM
Feeling any better? Just checking in!

A little better thanks. I ate a bit which helped but thanks for checking in, that's really sweet 3

Please find help with the anorexia. It is really devestating and is going to tear you apart. You're much too young and pretty to waste away.

Quote from: jussmoi4nao on February 03, 2014, 07:45:00 AM
A little better thanks. I ate a bit which helped but thanks for checking in, that's really sweet 3

Do you think you might feel up to talking to someone you trust now? Or reaching out to a therapist? You really need to have someone looking out for you, hun.

I'm glad you are feeling better.  Just so you know, eating disorders are severely common.  If you need a little help with getting better, there is no shame in that.  And I'm sure you mother and sisters would want to see you feel better.  Is this something that you keep private from others?  Do you have a therapist?  Sorry to be intrusive, I just want to see you make it through all of this. 

everybody knows i have an eating disorder but they don't 100% know i'm relapsing. my mom suspects cuz she saw me the other day and had a panic attack. i looked like i was about to drop right there.

and i'm sorry but i feel like i can't talk to people here. my mom would listen but her condition would do more harm than good. then the last time i tried to talk to my sister it ended in us arguing and she told me it's not her job to take care of me emotionally soo i'm not even going to go there with her.

i have therapist but i hide everything from her, dunno why. but yeah, hey im just going to detox for a while guys so if i don't post after this it doesn't mean im dead or anything, but sorry to upset you guys