Hi everyone

The last few years have been extremely difficult for me and I've taken several steps forward and just as many backwards. I have always had some doubts about who I was as an individual truly, and I just repressed those thoughts for my own self preservation like many others of you have done as well. However, one thing I was always able to accomplish was my academic life successfully, and setting myself up for my future besides the personal bit. Now I feel as if I've run into a wall, I've lost my way concerning where I want to be in 5 years, but I know it's not where I am heading. I don't want to be just an ordinary individual, as cliche as that sounds. I don't know why but I'm realizing now how much of a dead end that I am at now. I've tried transitioning a few times and honestly I didn't get that far, I'm no farther from figuring it out than when I started digging in the first place unfortunately. How do you all handle finding yourself and figuring out where you want to be in 5 years, or in 20 years? Because although I've kept my "future" and my identity separate, I'm realizing that I cannot do that any longer because they all connect. I would really appreciate any feedback that any of you would like to give. I'm fortunate to have a place like Susans that I can come to when I feel alone and lost, so thank you everyone, it means the world to me.

I personally try not to plan many years ahead, because things tend to always turn out different then what we had planned.
I do however like to wonder where I'll be but not like set any huge plans, just wonder and take the first steps to get there. Everything else tends to come as it should from then on.

I think you should focus on finding yourself, what makes you feel good and happy about yourself and follow that, mostly because anything you may accomplish in the future will feel so much better if done in a place where you already feel confident and your true self as much as that is possible.

It is terribly hard to find one's true self, especially when we are worrying about others opinions and how it will affect our lives.
But as far as I'm concerned any step in the way of becoming who you are in your head and someone you feel proud of being no matter how hard it may seem in the beginning is always worth it.
And anyone who doesn't support you in the long run, be it personally or professionally wasn't good enough in the first place, it's like they say "those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter".

I don't know if I explained myself clearly, but I hope so

Yeah I agree with the previous poster. I also try not to plan to far ahead as everytime I do everything goes to pooh. What I try to do is set small goals one at a time and to do little things to learn more about myself and have fun. Like I took dance classes and ballet before. Also got into horseback riding. Taking small make up classes and things like that with marry kay. Just things you want to do and be be afraid of . You want to start exploring yourself more, your feelings, dreams desires. And I still don't have things totally figured out. I tend to go with the flow and have fun while trying to continue to learn things. Your young like me. I'm 27 and at this age we are still finding ourselves and out adult roles/goals. It's tough but try not to let it freak you out to much like it does to me sometimes

Exactly, and don't feel bad for not knowing yourself very well, no one does, really, that's what everyone does all their life.
And a secret: If anyone tells you they know exactly where the are going in life and who they are, run dear, they are either lying to you or know themselves so bad that they don't even realize how little they truly know.
Just go with the flow and do whatever makes you happy. And try small things that scare you from time to time, it's fun to look back and laugh at how stupid we were to be afraid of those things.

I publish some scientific papers every year. When I am busy writing a manuscript, usually I do not have leisure time for wearing makeup and thinking about beauty or fashion. Even I do not wash my face in the morning, as I am completely indulged in analyzing and writing. Sometimes for 3 days, and mostly for 2 weeks. I do not know the status of my mind in these times, but I guess I become a kind of aggressive man.

After finishing my obligatory writing, then I have some leisure time and my mood returns to a female mode.

My colleagues initially worried that my crossdressing would harm my academic career, as I might be more interested in beauty and fashion than academic achievement. My Ph.D. mentor also worried about my career, and once reminded me of a promising scientist who had left the academia to be a women in the 1970s.

As I have shown that my academic career is not seriously affected by my crossdressing and ->-bleeped-<-, my colleagues and family members do not care so much whatever I wear. As I promised that I will not transition by HRT, everything looks OK to me and also to other significant persons.

Performing basic obligatory duties has been very important for me. After finishing my duties including sustaining my family, I could have more freedom in expressing myself.

barbie~~

Hi ,


I always felt that I miss my way , but after I turned 18 and I faced the adult world , I was hold down by the lack of money and support and I headed to a dead end
All started to become clear last November , and although I have ups and down , I hope I won't fall again into the dark
One of my problem was that I daydreamed to much , so I lived most of the time in my fantasy world , and there I was in the graphic . I was also affected by depression and money issues .

Anyway , the feel of reality came around , and my biggest shock was my age , maybe it sounds stupid , but I just wasn't feeling 24, , in my mind I am still a teen  . But that wouldn't help me in society .
So I decided it is time to start putting some order in my messy life .

One of the first moves  , is avoiding the feel of peace , when clearly I don't have the reason.
For example , in those wasted years , I tried to make myself happy from any little thing . Maybe it is a natural instinct , an unconscious process when the brain try to be happy .
But now I realize that some sweets , movies and music  after a hard day of work , don't make up for that day who was lost forever . I resigned and didn't dare to hope for more , and I was trying to get as much of pleasure and peace from small things .
So I think that struggling even though it feels bad may help one to find the real self inside ,but  sometime I feel I exaggerate and all the struggle makes me more confuse .I hope I will learn where the equilibrium is .

Nobody wants to be an average individual , but some of us have some more skills and qualities than others  , so you should clearly try to become the 'Someone ' you dream  , in whatever field you feel .
I know how much damage your closest can make , pulling you back , ruining your confidence and spirit of adventure

Even if it seems silly , I guess I was abused so much by my parents , that I somehow fear them even now that I don't depend on them anymore . I surprised myself living this horrible life just because that is what they wanted and approve . Maybe it is not your case , but my parents messed me up since I was conceived  .
Now I am determined to start my new life , I already quit this awful job , hope to sublet a place in my country , get some friends , go out , take some classes and so on .
It is very exciting , but very scary also , especially being a transsexual .

So my opinion is to allow yourself to  dream , to look inside and pursuit your wishes , no matter how improbable they seem .And clearly don't let anyone stand in  your way , don't worry about what would they think or what they expect from you .I wish I was aware of that earlier .

I know I don't have many chances , I am already messed up not to mention my age , but I have nothing to loose , this meaningless life just doesn't worth living , I will either get closer to the life I dream of or die trying  . Seriously , at this moment I want to set free all my inner desires and try to accomplish them .

About long term plans , 5 year I can think of , but 20 it is much harder .I try not to separate my identity from my future , because having some plans and visualizing myself fully transitioned for example , help me get some peace of mind in the identity struggle , I need an image that feels achievable and real  in the future to link a road towards it .