Dysphoria hit me like a brick as I got up this morning to use the bathroom and broke down and cried, I'm overthinking everything to the point were my head is hurting. know I just feel so suicidal again. Idk what to do?.......

I'm so sorry. I wish I had an instant easy answer to comfort you. Just... Here listening.

I'm sorry about that man. I have moments like that too; it's an awful feeling. :/

Yea its not a good feeling. Ive been contemplating suicide sense I was a freshman in HS, It hasn't went away yet.

Quote from: Brandon on February 02, 2014, 01:13:42 PM
Yea its not a good feeling. Ive been contemplating suicide sense I was a freshman in HS, It hasn't went away yet.

What triggered the dysphoria?

Going to the bathroom this morning and having to look at my body parts then having to sit down, And also as I said I was overthing things, As I stated in another post I made friends with a girl who I find attractive I got her number, she's straight and she's really nice, I think she's attracted to me to not for sure for sure, But we follow eachother on twitter so Ive picked up little hints. But I'm scared at the same time I trying to get to know her. I feel she's going to be accepting of me. But I didn't even think I would get this far, Then all this thoughts came into my head like how do I tell her that I'm trans, Hell when do I tell her. And it made me even more dysphoric, I have all horrible experiences with the last girls and I wanted this one to be good. I get scared that no woman will love me, Plus valentines day is coming up.

Quote from: Brandon on February 02, 2014, 03:49:54 PM
Going to the bathroom this morning and having to look at my body parts then having to sit down, And also as I said I was overthing things, As I stated in another post I made friends with a girl who I find attractive I got her number, she's straight and she's really nice, I think she's attracted to me to not for sure for sure, But we follow eachother on twitter so Ive picked up little hints. But I'm scared at the same time I trying to get to know her. I feel she's going to be accepting of me. But I didn't even think I would get this far, Then all this thoughts came into my head like how do I tell her that I'm trans, Hell when do I tell her. And it made me even more dysphoric, I have all horrible experiences with the last girls and I wanted this one to be good. I get scared that no woman will love me, Plus valentines day is coming up.

I know the feeling for sure. I hate looking at myself when I go to the bathroom. When I take a shower, I have to walk past the mirror and I try not to look at myself.

I'm really self conscious of myself too. I can pass fairly well as a guy even though I'm still pre-T, I have short hair, a deep voice, among other boyish features.. and I don't know if I could ever tell a girl or guy I was trans. As I said in my bottom dysphoria thread, I don't know if I can ever have sex with another person because I'm so embarrassed of my female parts.

I've thought about suicide as well. I have severe depression and I suffer from panic attacks. It runs in my family; my grandfather suffered from PTSD after serving in Vietnam and had bad depression, which lead to him taking his own life. Just try to stay strong, man. When you go on T and have top and bottom surgery, the dysphoria will eventually go away.

Quote from: Brandon on February 02, 2014, 03:49:54 PM
Going to the bathroom this morning and having to look at my body parts then having to sit down, And also as I said I was overthing things, As I stated in another post I made friends with a girl who I find attractive I got her number, she's straight and she's really nice, I think she's attracted to me to not for sure for sure, But we follow eachother on twitter so Ive picked up little hints. But I'm scared at the same time I trying to get to know her. I feel she's going to be accepting of me. But I didn't even think I would get this far, Then all this thoughts came into my head like how do I tell her that I'm trans, Hell when do I tell her. And it made me even more dysphoric, I have all horrible experiences with the last girls and I wanted this one to be good. I get scared that no woman will love me, Plus valentines day is coming up.

listen dude, we all have been there. worrying how the person we like would react, if we would even find someone. in the end you need to remember that even if she doesn't..then she wasn't the one you're suppose to be with. it will be a lesson learned for the next time, you know? you got to think more positively even though it's hard. you're young and girls your age might not be accepting but when you're older, people are more aware of their bodies, interests, etc. and honestly don't mind the trans* thing. you also need to remember that not everything is about dating and girls and w/e else. i mean girls are great and dating is hard enough to deal with without having the trans* thing on top of it all but accepting yourself and going through this journey and loving yourself is more important than girls, right?

i understand dysphoria is hard and it probably won't go away until you start t (and maybe not even then) but until then, you shouldn't let your dysphoria get the better of you. it's an unfortunate situation and the feelings suck but don't let that discourage you from going after a girl, etc. if she rejects you, it's oh well. whether you're cis or trans* a girl will reject you. some things you can't help why they reject you, whether it's height, money, w/e. everyone has hurdles on why someone rejects them. you just got to accept it because someone will like you for you. also remember, some things you deal with, cis guys deal with too. maybe if you put that spin on it, you won't feel so crappy. some cis guys sit down when they pee, some don't have big penises or more feminine body parts. these things are real so maybe if you keep that mind set, you won't feel so dysphoric (even though it's hard..)

Quote from: invisiblemonsters on February 02, 2014, 04:02:35 PM
listen dude, we all have been there. worrying how the person we like would react, if we would even find someone. in the end you need to remember that even if she doesn't..then she wasn't the one you're suppose to be with. it will be a lesson learned for the next time, you know? you got to think more positively even though it's hard. you're young and girls your age might not be accepting but when you're older, people are more aware of their bodies, interests, etc. and honestly don't mind the trans* thing. you also need to remember that not everything is about dating and girls and w/e else. i mean girls are great and dating is hard enough to deal with without having the trans* thing on top of it all but accepting yourself and going through this journey and loving yourself is more important than girls, right?

i understand dysphoria is hard and it probably won't go away until you start t (and maybe not even then) but until then, you shouldn't let your dysphoria get the better of you. it's an unfortunate situation and the feelings suck but don't let that discourage you from going after a girl, etc. if she rejects you, it's oh well. whether you're cis or trans* a girl will reject you. some things you can't help why they reject you, whether it's height, money, w/e. everyone has hurdles on why someone rejects them. you just got to accept it because someone will like you for you. also remember, some things you deal with, cis guys deal with too. maybe if you put that spin on it, you won't feel so crappy. some cis guys sit down when they pee, some don't have big penises or more feminine body parts. these things are real so maybe if you keep that mind set, you won't feel so dysphoric (even though it's hard..)

I understand that, But I don't wanna go through my journey alone cuz my fam isn't gonna be there. I have so much to offer why let it go to waste? And alot of times you don't think about thoes things when your dysphoric.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 02, 2014, 04:02:09 PM
I know the feeling for sure. I hate looking at myself when I go to the bathroom. When I take a shower, I have to walk past the mirror and I try not to look at myself.

I'm really self conscious of myself too. I can pass fairly well as a guy even though I'm still pre-T, I have short hair, a deep voice, among other boyish features.. and I don't know if I could ever tell a girl or guy I was trans. As I said in my bottom dysphoria thread, I don't know if I can ever have sex with another person because I'm so embarrassed of my female parts.

I've thought about suicide as well. I have severe depression and I suffer from panic attacks. It runs in my family; my grandfather suffered from PTSD after serving in Vietnam and had bad depression, which lead to him taking his own life. Just try to stay strong, man. When you go on T and have top and bottom surgery, the dysphoria will eventually go away.

Well their have only been atraight girls and bi girls who have liked me and didn't care they just werent my type for tons of reasons.

I've had crushes on a lot of people but I've only had one person ever like me back. And that girl I ended up dating for a little bit. She was straight and I told her I was trans before we dated because I trusted her. She was a real bitch to me at times; she said I wasn't physically a boy yet so I was still technically a girl which offended me a lot. So yeah, that really destroyed my confidence.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 02, 2014, 04:40:32 PM
I've had crushes on a lot of people but I've only had one person ever like me back. And that girl I ended up dating for a little bit. She was straight and I told her I was trans before we dated because I trusted her. She was a real bitch to me at times; she said I wasn't physically a boy yet so I was still technically a girl which offended me a lot. So yeah, that really destroyed my confidence.

Ive never had a gf that's not a good feeling, But I'm hoping I can change that.

Quote from: Brandon on February 02, 2014, 04:46:30 PM
Ive never had a gf that's not a good feeling, But I'm hoping I can change that.

I'm hoping one day I'll find that one special person who accepts me for who I am.

Quote from: Brandon on February 02, 2014, 04:12:03 PM

I understand that, But I don't wanna go through my journey alone cuz my fam isn't gonna be there. I have so much to offer why let it go to waste? And alot of times you don't think about thoes things when your dysphoric.

i know and you shouldn't be denied that right because you will find someone. it's just hard being in a relationship and transitioning. especially a NEW relationship and you just starting to transition. it can be a lot of your partner and a lot on you and your relationship. if she's understanding though, you both need to prepare for those hurdles as they come and you need to realize even if you guys don't make it, don't think it's because of you or who you are. in the end even if you didn't get something with this girl, having a friend around who hopefully understands (if she doesn't wanna date but wants to be friends) then that's a good thing!!

i understand the want of having someone close and be affectionate and w/e. having someone who loves you for you and doesn't think of you any less of a man. i got lucky and found that at about 16 so i do know it's possible at a young age but i wouldn't want your dysphoria to discourage you from finding a girl or having one girl discourage you because she was ignorant or w/e right?

Well I feel positive about this particular girl, I just have to keep having a positive mindset, I think I'm letting what happend in the past and my dysphoria discourage me and that's not good.

Brandon, your family members might change their minds. It happens more than you might think.

A large number of trans people seem to wind up in relationships. Some of the partners are ones they had before transition, and some are people they met afterward. Again, it happens a lot.

It sounds as if you are past the worst of it, but if you ever feel that you might be in danger of hurting yourself or ending it all, please call one of the hotlines that we have plastered all over the site. The Trevor Project hotline is especially for LGBT youth, so that might be a good place to start.

Hang in there, buddy.

Its important to let it out. Write it down, shout it, get it OUT. Also this guy on youtube Eliot Hulse talks about anxiety and depression. He says some crazy stuff but he can be totally spot on.