Wow so my family have been saying constantly they want me to see this Psychiatrist in Melbourne. Dr Harte and though I certainly don't see the need to I'll go along with it as it means a free trip to Melbourne. However I just read the email they sent to him and to say I was upset was an understatement. Just when I though I was getting somewhere with them I'm back to square one.

"Dear Dr Harte
My wife and I watched with interest the Insight program on SBS last year on transgender people. It was after that show that I researched the Melbourne transgender services and discussed the idea of going to Melbourne with our GP in Orange NSW. Dr Ruth Fuller advised Melbourne offers the
Best services for transgender people. In the late 1990's our son was diagnosed with Asperger's. He found it very difficult at school and was bullied . He attempted self harm on a few occasions and he visited a local psychologist (Melissa Theobald) and she achieved some good outcomes with P. He attended school until the end of year 11 and successfully completed a Certificate 3 in Signwriting and Graduated in 2011.
In September 2012 he advised he was a female trapped in a male body and that he was going to transition to become a female.  He had previously visited Dr Anthony Slowiaczek in Sydney as a 16 year old and we had an appointment in December 2012 with him. He advised as P was over 18 he could not treat him any further. P had completed a huge amount of research into transitioning and in December 2012 we visited Tracie O'Keefe in Sydney and with her assistance P contacted Dr Jon Hayes, Endocrinologist. Paige as he is now known has been having hormone treatment from Dr Hayes
Since mid 2013.  From the start we have advised Paige to take the process slowly and Tracie O'Keefe fully outlined the process and the time line involved ie 2 years working as a female etc. She stated it could be a 10 year journey.
We feel Paige has become so obsessed with becoming a female that no matter what we say to him, he is hellbent on becoming a female in the shortest possible time. We have had meetings in Orange with Stephen Carroll (Registered Transgender Nurse) where he also advised Paige to slow down and also
That he must get the mental side under control before considering SRS. At a family consultation Stephen said to Paige "what happens if you get everything done and you are still unhappy" to which Paige had a limited response. Paige also had a psychiatric assessment completed Dr Tristram Duncan in 2013.
On 18/01/2014 we received an email from him stating he had booked in SRS surgery in Thailand for November 2014 with Dr Suporn. We are prepared to assist Paige but we feel he has become far too obsessed with completing his transformation in the shortest possible time.
Knowing our Child as we do we would like to have a full psychiatric assessment performed by yourself or associated psychiatrists who regularly see transgender people. Paige is quite happy to have these assessments done.  If possible we would like a family consultation so we can add pertinent information
That Paige may not advise during his assessments.eg previous self harm incidents and no previous insights into his transgender position. Paige states he has known of his transgender status since he was 6 or 7 yet we have not observed any female tendencies and Melissa Theobald (teenage psychologist) did not note any female tendencies and was very surprised when we raised the issue with her in 2013.

The last 18 months have created a lot of anxiety within our family unit and therefore we need to have the psychiatric assessments performed by transgender experts like yourself so that we manage the outcomes  properly and give Paige the best result and happiness going forward.
My contact details are below and our family awaits contact from you. There is no problem in attending Melbourne for consultations.
Regards
Phil Hodges
Carol Hodges"

I'm debating sending my own side of the story to the Dr but I feel to do so would invoke a blood bath. Thank god I don't live there anymore!

Well I would at least say they do seem to care about your well being. But a part of me see's that they are still concerned about their own pride. At least they did mention Paige and she a few times. I still can't get my parents to even say she/daughter/name without correcting them and then them saying "darn I did it again" as sarcastically as possible.

I wouldn't lash out and send him an email. Do it all in person with him if you are going to get a free trip out of it. You are a legal adult now right? If so there's nothing the doctor could do nor your family as far as I know since I am from the states and once you're an adult here you are in charge of yourself. For a while my parents were wanting me to do the same even though I'm a full grown adult at 30 years old they wanted me to see a therapist of their own choosing that would "fix me of my tainted desires" as they eloquently put it. I didn't take them up on the offer as they wouldn't agree to my own terms of, they had to pay for it and it had to fit into my schedule and I would go see the therapist by myself as myself.

Sometimes I wonder if people can understand what fear can do to you at an early age and how you can hide your true feelings for years and decades without anyone picking up on it. It annoys me so much when people say that you never pranced around the house proclaiming that you were a girl and then you try to explain what true fear is and what it does to you and all they can do is look at you like a deer caught in the headlights.

Well, for starters you're an adult, capable of making decisions for yourself. So whatever happens, you should remember that you can exercise your autonomy at any time and in any way that you see fit.

I was going to see Tracie O'Keefe, but after visiting her website and perusing her books, I decided to steer clear of her. But that's just me.

Rather than going to Melbourne, I'd see a Sydney psychiatrist like Patrick Toohey. He is level-headed, has an easy-going manner, has a very open approach to gender variance and even lectures on the topic.

Jon Hayes is my endo and I think he's great. From my experience, he appears to act quite responsibly.

If I told my parents (or any family member, for that matter) that I've been trans* since the age of 7, I have no doubt that they would say that I had shown no signs of this during my childhood. And yet, it's the truth. Your psychologist, Melissa Theobold, should know better. Unfortunately, psychs vary greatly in their abilities, especially when it comes to gender, it would seem.

I think your parents are concerned about you. you seem very young. how long have you been on hrt. more than a year.
SRS is not a panacea. I'd say slow down. srs is a very drastic step. some people are happy and some are not post op. SRS is not all bunnies and rainbows. I know some people who have had many problems post op.
Did you get a karyotype test or DNA test ? '
with SRS you can't stop taking estrogen really ever. Endos won't let you stop taking E or they will have you go back on  testosterone   If you stop taking E you will get menopause symptoms (real nasty) A PERSON' s Natural hormones are best even at reduced Testosterone levels. Taking Estrogen does not give you a genetic female's endrocrine  system
Also dilation is for a long time or you will close up.
And if you change your mind

Oh Paige.... *big hug*

I don't know Dr Harte personally yet, but hear many great comments about him. If Dr Harte is not available for some time, there's a second gender psychiatrist in Melbourne, Dr Erasmus who I do see. Myself and many others find him excellent.

From the email, I can understand why it would upset you, but it's clear that your parents love & care a great deal about you. Perhaps you can take some comfort in that. They're worried that you're making a mistake, I'm guessing, because they can't relate and don't know how it feels to be in the wrong body. Many ( dare I say most ) of us want to get through the major steps in transition in the shortest amount of time. And we're driven to do that by the years lost, and by dysphoria and other reasons.

From an outsider's point of view, transition can appear all consuming and obsessive. By the very nature of it, it kind of has to be that way. So it seems that your parents are seeing this, perhaps without noticing other changes. So a question for you, what other changes have your parents been noticing? Is there a clear difference between your former self and you now?

In regards to the email and your question, no, don't bite back. There's just nothing to be gained from that. Dr Harte is more than capable of being objective and assessing you ( although it won't happen in just one session ).

Good luck hun.

xx

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your parents so I cant really say what to do. That said: I would attach that e-mail to another e-mail that you send to your father critiquing each point that is made and your desire to address your own needs as you are entitled to as an adult.

Dr. Harte sounds fairly progressive. I'm not sure you really need to worry about him not understanding the subtext of that letter--I mean they gender you incorrectly all the way through which makes their position kind of clear. Here's an interview with the bloke if you are interested: http://joy.org.au/transmissiontime/2010/05/interview-with-dr-fintan-harte-director-of-monash-gender-dysphoria-clinic/

I'm sorry you are having trouble with you family. It can often be pretty hard to watch a transition from the outside because it seems so fast... I mean you've been dealing with this stuff for like 15 years... they've only had 18 months. That's kind of why it can seem too fast to them and too slow to you.

Quote from: Sarah7 on February 02, 2014, 05:15:49 PM
I mean you've been dealing with this stuff for like 15 years... they've only had 18 months.

True that. It's what my ex told me after telling her I was trans*.

A simple warning.make sure to see who you need in order to proclaim you are mentally stable for transition.it feels to me that they are claiming you mentally unfit and unaware,in which if this gets around the phs community then you will have a 1% chance of finding help to transition.so in all,this would take away your rights and make your parents legal guarddians due to 'mental state' and this is NOT what you need.get those records rolling my dear the best way you know how and prove you are not unfit and mentally unaware or need guidance.I know because I have had parents who did the same and had no limits.NEVER underestimate anyone,even blood.good luck

Your parents obviously love you, but they don't understand transgender issues.  Go to Melbourne and talk to Dr. Harte about your life, as viewed from your eyes.  A timeline to transition isn't what others set for you, it's what you feel is right at any time during the process.  It's not as fluid as water, but it's definitely not set in stone.  And don't let people say you can't progress. 

You already know there are some timeframes for living full time prior to SRS, and of course SRS requires psychiatric and medical doctor approvals.  But beyond the full time experience, the time it takes to reach your goal is up to you.  I assume you're old enough to make your own medical decisions in Australia, so just make sure Dr. Harte knows how much thought you've put into those decisions.

Take care. K

Paige,

I'm sorry for this situation.  One thing you may wish to point out to someone who sits in judgment of you is your involvement here, on Susan's.  Your posts are wonderful.  You reveal a significant amount of personal growth.  You show no evidence of instability.  You are a kind, caring and compassionate woman who has gone through so much to be where you are today and that comes out in your posts.  Your very first post tells a lot about your current situation.  It was interesting to read.

I wish you well and keep us in the loop.

Hugs,

Jen

Quote from: kathyk on February 02, 2014, 09:14:18 PM
Your parents obviously love you, but they don't understand transgender issues.  Go to Melbourne and talk to Dr. Harte about your life, as viewed from your eyes.  A timeline to transition isn't what others set for you, it's what you feel is right at any time during the process.  It's not as fluid as water, but it's definitely not set in stone.  And don't let people say you can't progress. 

You already know there are some timeframes for living full time prior to SRS, and of course SRS requires psychiatric and medical doctor approvals.  But beyond the full time experience, the time it takes to reach your goal is up to you.  I assume you're old enough to make your own medical decisions in Australia, so just make sure Dr. Harte knows how much thought you've put into those decisions.

Take care. K

Yes that's what makes it hard because I know they love me and I love them so so much but they have a very stereotypical black and white view on ->-bleeped-<- and gender dysphoria as a whole. Nothing I say seems to break through to them, and they usually reply with they know me better than anyone (Including myself, which is ridiculous).

I've known from the get go that I would eventually get SRS and I'm well aware of the risks and complications it can produce. In the end i've decided on it despite the risks for I know I'd much prefer to have gentials that much better replicate who I am (A woman). And I simply just can't stand having this thing between my legs, it just feels so wrong to me.

I admit my knowledge regarding Dr Hartes is minimal but from what I'm hearing he's a very competent Gender Therapist so I do look forward to seeing and talking with him.

Hi Paige

If your post referring to your parents letter to Dr Harte is just making a statement or is soliciting a reply for support, be mindful that any support forthcoming is done so by way of seeing a snapshot of your life and not a full understanding of the dynamics of your day to day life. The disparity between the 2 can be substantial, to the extent of providing you with  inappropriate support.

If you are soliciting support, then I base my response on the contents and snapshot of the letter and previous posts of yours.

Firstly, I sense an overall feeling of love and concern from your parents. Although you may have known of your feelings for some time, this is only a virtually new revelation to your parents. They need some time to work through such massive issues. It's not an overnight thing for them. I don't believe they are against your decision to transition through to GCS, they are simply assessing the substantial risk component of such a profound life changing, irreversible event; which, with all due respects requires time. Certainly NOT 10 years as indicated by Tracie O'Keefe.

Secondly. Given the fact (a) you've been diagnosed with Aspergers ( to what degree it wasn't stated) ; (b) Nurse  Carroll has suggested a slow down in order to "get your mental side under control"; (c) as late as Jan 2014 you are asking fundamentally serious questions that should have been addressed a long time before you booked your surgery (Intersex) (d) the inability to appropriately and spontaneously answer a very serious question regarding how you'd handle a failure to meet your perceived outcomes. Given the fact of your propensity to deal with past failure through self harm (e) sensing a predilection to breasts that may be inappropriate for your body frame (D cup);  these are just some of the discernible facts that indicate you have not done your "due diligence" into such a major life changing event.

Sometimes when we are in a hurry, we only listen to what we want to hear. 17 months from HT to surgery is VERY fast in this game.

Thirdly. I say this on face value, as I've no evidence of your workings to select a surgeon. However, based on the information contained on this website alone, about the inconsistencies of Dr. Suporns results, you've elected to go with him.

I am in no way suggesting you don't transition or proceed with GCS. however based on the facts presented, there are way too many blanks in the imperative processes you are required to complete in order to make a successful transition.

What I am suggesting is, you need more time to fully assess VERY aspect of such a major life changing, irreversible event.

You and you alone need to know the spontaneous answers to these and other questions pertaining to your future survival and growth.  How are you going to survive (live) day to day once you return from Thailand? What are you going to do with your new anatomy? Have you the tenacity to fulfil the terms of the 'maintenance' schedule? You've mentioned nothing about your study or work life. How do intend handling work place situations. What do you currently see as your future? What goals and ambitions do you have for yourself, post surgery?

Neither I nor anyone else here needs to know your answers or validation of the aforementioned comments. You, and you alone, need to know from the heart of your heart the truth, not, what you want to hear.

With much love and respect
Catherine

To answer your question about "biting back" - I would say that there is nothing to be gained by doing that at this point. Your parents want you to see another therapist and you are willing to go, so just go, talk honestly about your feelings, and let the therapist do his thing. Your parents care about you and they are simply trying to make sure you don't make a mistake that you can't easily walk away from, and they seem to value what this new therapist will say. The best way to "bite back" is to share honestly with the therapist and let your parents hear it from him, especially since they aren't particularly willing to listen to you.

And as others have said - take a breath and slow down. Spend whatever time you need to now to prepare for what is coming. You are young and you have the luxury of being able to spend whatever time is necessary before making the leap.

As Catherine pointed out there IS life after transition, and there are lots of things to be thinking and planning for well before you have to cross those bridges later on. Use the time now to be thinking about and planning your new life after SRS.

Also, I would remove the personally identifying information from that letter. It will live on forever here and there may come a day when the information might get used by someone for nefarious purposes.

I'm about to rush out of the door for a medical appointment so didn't have time to read the whole letter or any responses.

What did jump out is that you've given alot of personal info in your first post (full name, date of birth etc), in this age of identity theft I strongly advise you to edit the post & remove that info, you've given out almost everything someone needs to steal your identity.
Remember to stay safe online.

I wish you all the best

Jayne

I agree that you need to edit out some of your personal info for safety concerns. That said, I understand why you're frustrated, but the letter strikes me as a loving, concerned letter from people who really do have your best interests at heart, even though they're misguided and clearly don't have a complete understanding of what you're going through. The journey to parental acceptance is often one of two steps forward/one step back/three steps forward/four steps back/and so on. It's difficult. I don't think it's necessary to send your own letter. I'd talk to him in person.

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 03, 2014, 07:39:26 AM
Hi Paige

If your post referring to your parents letter to Dr Harte is just making a statement or is soliciting a reply for support, be mindful that any support forthcoming is done so by way of seeing a snapshot of your life and not a full understanding of the dynamics of your day to day life. The disparity between the 2 can be substantial, to the extent of providing you with  inappropriate support.

More of a statement as I feel perfectly content with myself but just grow tired of the constant need for control on my parents side. They just refuse to see me as anything other than a child and whilst I can understand that it can get abit frustrating. I know they love and care for me dearly as I do for them but I just wish they let me make my own way in life, to be independent, make and fix my own mistakes etc.

If you are soliciting support, then I base my response on the contents and snapshot of the letter and previous posts of yours.

Firstly, I sense an overall feeling of love and concern from your parents. Although you may have known of your feelings for some time, this is only a virtually new revelation to your parents. They need some time to work through such massive issues. It's not an overnight thing for them. I don't believe they are against your decision to transition through to GCS, they are simply assessing the substantial risk component of such a profound life changing, irreversible event; which, with all due respects requires time. Certainly NOT 10 years as indicated by Tracie O'Keefe.

Oh the 10 years wasn't stated by Tracie but by Nurse Caroll just to clear that up.

Secondly. Given the fact (a) you've been diagnosed with Aspergers ( to what degree it wasn't stated) ; (b) Nurse  Carroll has suggested a slow down in order to "get your mental side under control"; (c) as late as Jan 2014 you are asking fundamentally serious questions that should have been addressed a long time before you booked your surgery (Intersex) (d) the inability to appropriately and spontaneously answer a very serious question regarding how you'd handle a failure to meet your perceived outcomes. Given the fact of your propensity to deal with past failure through self harm (e) sensing a predilection to breasts that may be inappropriate for your body frame (D cup);  these are just some of the discernible facts that indicate you have not done your "due diligence" into such a major life changing event.

I do admit early last year I did self harm as I was honestly feeling actually transitioning was all a pipe dream. I've since become alot more mentally stable in myself and even when faced with more current disappointments I've never thought to or elected to self harm. Also I personally don't want a D cup that was more a curiosity as my Endo said due to my current progression that might be the case. If I end up with a B I'm perfectly happy and my breast don't progress anymore I'm prefectly fine.

Sometimes when we are in a hurry, we only listen to what we want to hear. 17 months from HT to surgery is VERY fast in this game.

I'm honestly not in a hurry and I feel very comfortable with my transitioning pace. Personally if I had to wait longer it wouldn't bother me. I know for me personally getting SRS was never up for debate. Waiting another year or more wouldn't change my decision.

Thirdly. I say this on face value, as I've no evidence of your workings to select a surgeon. However, based on the information contained on this website alone, about the inconsistencies of Dr. Suporns results, you've elected to go with him.

Well I have done extensive research regarding srs surgery and surgeon skills. Though Dr Suporn has had inconsistencies he has produced some excellent results and I took care to ask all the nescessary questions before booking my date. Dr Brassard was another but due to the extensive distance I felt getting my surgery done closer to home would be the best overall. It came down to either Supron or Chettawut and I both in my experience have had possitives and negatives. In the end I felt the overall experience with Suporn would be better for me so i decided on him. I know also that dilation and overall maintence is vital for a successful result and I will certainly follow the instructions and scheduals to the T.

I am in no way suggesting you don't transition or proceed with GCS. however based on the facts presented, there are way too many blanks in the imperative processes you are required to complete in order to make a successful transition.

What I am suggesting is, you need more time to fully assess VERY aspect of such a major life changing, irreversible event.

You and you alone need to know the spontaneous answers to these and other questions pertaining to your future survival and growth.  How are you going to survive (live) day to day once you return from Thailand? What are you going to do with your new anatomy? Have you the tenacity to fulfil the terms of the 'maintenance' schedule? You've mentioned nothing about your study or work life. How do intend handling work place situations. What do you currently see as your future? What goals and ambitions do you have for yourself, post surgery?

I'm currently a self employed Homemaker/Garden caretaker and earn a fairly decent income. I hope to futher expand upon this in the future. Though I am also quite qualified in signcraft and though it's not a major interest for me anymore (I loved the artistic, personal painting side not the industrialized printed side) if I did need money I would certainly not hesitate to look for work in the specific field. Money has never been an issue for me personally, i've always been able to get by and am very careful with my purchases. I do have the tenacity to fulfil the maintence schedule definately. Seeing myself in the future I honestly can't say. I've always been one to take life as it comes, whether positive or negative. Where I will be in 5-10 years from now who knows and I'm perfectly content with not knowing. The future is always uncertain in my eyes.

Neither I nor anyone else here needs to know your answers or validation of the aforementioned comments. You, and you alone, need to know from the heart of your heart the truth, not, what you want to hear.

With much love and respect
Catherine

Quote from: Declan. on February 03, 2014, 09:51:18 AM
I agree that you need to edit out some of your personal info for safety concerns. That said, I understand why you're frustrated, but the letter strikes me as a loving, concerned letter from people who really do have your best interests at heart, even though they're misguided and clearly don't have a complete understanding of what you're going through. The journey to parental acceptance is often one of two steps forward/one step back/three steps forward/four steps back/and so on. It's difficult. I don't think it's necessary to send your own letter. I'd talk to him in person.

Yes I have since done so. Definately the smart thing to do. Yes I felt the need to write a letter mainly to share the full history of my story as I've always felt more comfortable writing such things as things can be lost or forgotten about when talking face to face. Honestly the parental acceptance wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that they are constantly in my life nearly everyday and the lack of understanding can just get to you sometimes.

Quote from: Paige0000 on February 03, 2014, 05:09:26 PM
Honestly the parental acceptance wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that they are constantly in my life nearly everyday and the lack of understanding can just get to you sometimes.

What are you like 12? According to the original post you are even older than me are you not at the point of being able to speak out for yourself?

Sorry asking your age so (rhetorically) bluntly like that is very rude of me but my tone may get "lost in translation" as is often the case with online postings. I am a "jump into the deep end to learn how to swim" kinda gal sorry again if that comment seemed confrontational.

What I am really trying to tell you is :
1. Don't bite back. Why would you "cut your nose to spite your face?" Your parents seem to care for you, don't punish them

2. Stop saying and start doing. When people see for themselves, they'll know for sure what you are. In your element, they will take you more seriously for sure.

As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words

Quote from: Paige0000 on February 03, 2014, 05:09:26 PM
Yes I have since done so. Definately the smart thing to do. Yes I felt the need to write a letter mainly to share the full history of my story as I've always felt more comfortable writing such things as things can be lost or forgotten about when talking face to face. Honestly the parental acceptance wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that they are constantly in my life nearly everyday and the lack of understanding can just get to you sometimes.

That makes sense. If it's easier for you to share your feelings if you write them down, you might want to consider writing "your side" and reading it to him when you see him in person. My parents are a major part of my life, too ("close-knit" is an understatement when it comes to my family), so I understand how frustrating it is. Like yours, the main issue with mine is inadvertent ignorance and a lack of understanding.