I have recently been very upset about this and want to just write it down and cry and share it with others here because I am sure you all must feel the same way.

I cannot even watch any documentaries about being transgender because there is always at least one story if not all stories about transgender children.

When I see these I cannot control myself and I just cry and wish that I was them.

I am so bitter that my family did not help me stop puberty so I could grow up just being a regular girl and having a regular childhood and being able to pass flawlessly.

Children who are treated at the beginning stages of puberty never develop a male body, they never have to deal with male pattern hair loss, they never get facial hair, their faces develop as female, they never develop male voices, they are raised and treated female, their family and everyone else accepts them as such since they usually do not know them any other way.

I am not even that old either, I am 21!

I was not born in a time where these things were unheard of, the last documentary I watched the trans girl was 17! That's a 4 year difference! I feel for the older ladies I truly do.

Now I have this masculine body and voice, dealing with hair loss, have a beard.

Honestly most of us at best even if we pass basically have to put on this show for everyone all day, we can't even use our real voices and have to learn and "act" like women with out movements and how we carry ourselves, how are we ever truly supposed to be ourselves?? We literally can't! If we want to pass that is. People usually know we are trans no matter what.

It just is not fair. No amount of makeup or wigs or select clothing will ever replace just having a female puberty and childhood and developing how I should have. I find myself so depressed all of the time now. Putting on estrogen gel will never make me the woman I was meant to be. I feel like it's just too late now.

Here baby ( )! I hope that helps a little.

Maybe it is all of my years of wisdom or just acceptance of things I never will be able to change, but this is how I feel. Past a certain age, at least for me, it is not about passing, flawless beauty, a life lost or anything else. I knew the risks and what I would never look like and started transition just to be comfortable in my own skin for the first time in my life. I am not resigned to my fate, but doing what I can with what I have and the heck with anyone else. I lived for everyone else for 47 years and now I am being selfish and living for ME. Transition has given me many more years on this planet because I am not fighting myself internally every day now. I am not depressed anymore, overweight, unhealthy and I wake up every day now with hope and happiness for my future. That is what you have to accept or it will continue to tear you apart inside. Stop trying to ACT and just be who you are inside. It WILL show on the outside, I promise. "E" gave me a comfort I have never experienced at any other time. Give HRT a try before you give up as it made all the difference to me. It helps you to let go a little and relax.

Ι feel you ok...

I mean im 19 and I just cant help but wonder why the hell didnt I just came out back when I was 14 or something...such idiot I was

so yeah now I have a male voice ,body etc ,,,haha ->-bleeped-<-!

anyways, before I let your post plunge me in despair I think I ll remind myself that 19 and 21 arent really that old...
with hrt and maybe ffs / voice surgery  we ll be fine...I know its hard to cope with all these thoughts but you know what
I ll do anything possible there is until I give up...I want to live so I ll keep trying no matter how much it hurts,,,
so lets have hope , hope that things will get better...

I don't watch those things anymore because I'm not really interested in the adults, and the kids' stories get me upset for just the reasons you stated.

The other day, my therapist and I were talking about my possible hysto and the insurance complications I might face because I'm not continuously employed yet. He started raving about the new California guidelines and some university students he counsels; he is thrilled to be writing surgery letters for twenty-year-olds.

I simultaneously wanted to rip his throat out and burst into tears.

Pretty much if I'm reading something about a MtF person, the -second- I read their age and it shows them starting at any point before 18, I stop reading. Their story is not applicable to my life, it will just make me feel bad, so I don't read it.

I almost started HRT at 18, but I chickened out of transitioning.

Little did I know, in the next couple years I'd grow 3 inches and have my voice drop by a significant amount. I thought I was done growing. Oops.

I'm 25 now, but I feel a bit lucky in some ways. Now I'm actually starting HRT (very soon, too! in 3 weeks I will have the meds). At least I'm starting while I'm still in my 20's.

You have to look at the silver linings and positive sides to your situation.

I like that I still don't have very quick facial hair growth. To get '5 o'clock shadow' I have to wait 2 or 3 days. I couldn't even grow a beard if I wanted to at 18. Just a bunch of sparse hairs pretty much. Now it's thicker, but it only grows decently under my chin (sort of neckbeard pretty much). Moustache and front-of-face comes in very light, and I have large areas on the front of my face where it doesn't grow at all. Picture a Guy Fawkes mask, and that's how my facial hair naturally wants to grow. And even then, it doesn't grow well, even though I'm 25.

I really hate that I didn't start earlier, though. But there's nothing I can do about it. I can just look forward to the future and finally -do something- about my body.

I think a lot of us are harsh on ourselves. I've seen a lot of trans people who pass just fine, yet they constantly complain that they are hideous and do not pass at all, and that they could never pass in a million years. Always remember, you are your own worst and harshest judge.

Edit:

Another thing I thought of was this: In some ways, for me, thinking of cis women just being born at all makes me feel worse than the people who transitioned during puberty. They get born into bodies I would literally kill for every day. Without asking, without effort, they just become and get to exist as they like - and all too often they take it for granted.

I imagine some FtMs have the same thing going on for cis males. If only we could just trade bodies, lol.

I don't watch stuff like that these days. I've already seen it, heard it and I moved on.

I should point out that unless you have people around you that are moronic blabbermouths, the chances of you blending in are better than you think. Sure, it comes down to the individual and the circumstances surrounding them (body type, voice, etc) but things can change with effort.

One thing you need is confidence. The world is full of schmucks, idiots and douchebags that will rip on you for any reason they can think of NO MATTER IF YOU ARE TRANS OR NOT. There's a lot of people that just suck, no matter what.

When you come across these types, don't let it get you down. It may hurt like hell at first and it will require a thicker skin but it can be done.

Don't waste time and effort being depressed about what you didn't do. That won't get you anywhere. You have to stand up and say: "I will NOT let this get me down!! I will do what needs to be done and I will succeed!"

It does not bother me that much. I mean, I'm a little jealous, but I'm mostly just very happy for them. I still have so much work to do anyway. I would never have had the courage to face this when I was a kid and it was not something that would be tolerated anyway.

Do I wish I'd started transition earlier? Sure I do.. But I also realise that I started when I was ready.

Quote from: l0nghairdontcare on February 02, 2014, 06:37:54 PM
Honestly most of us at best even if we pass basically have to put on this show for everyone all day, we can't even use our real voices and have to learn and "act" like women with out movements and how we carry ourselves, how are we ever truly supposed to be ourselves?? We literally can't! If we want to pass that is. People usually know we are trans no matter what.

It just is not fair. No amount of makeup or wigs or select clothing will ever replace just having a female puberty and childhood and developing how I should have. I find myself so depressed all of the time now. Putting on estrogen gel will never make me the woman I was meant to be. I feel like it's just too late now.

I think you are making some gross generalisations here.. I'm don't 'act' like any one or anything, I am me. I live as myself, I know no other way. I apparently pass.. I don't just make that claim, I have the life experiences to back it up.. Sure, some people in my life know I'm trans, they are those closest to me. The rest of the world either doesn't know or doesn't care.

No amount of makeup or wigs or select clothing will ever make you a woman either.. It's as much about attitude and confidence as it is looks.

And here's where I get more than a little controversial..

I see the comments about, 'Why didn't I have a proper girl's childhood/teen years.', and I wonder what the hell people were thinking..

My childhood up until 11 or 12 was fairly gender neutral at home.. At school, I had female friends, who's lives I lived vicariously. at least as much as I could. My teen years saw the start of my step-dad's attempts to make me 'man up'.. None of it worked.. And again I lived my female friends lives as much as I could.. I knew I wasn't going to get to live the life I wanted thrn, so I made the best of it..

Surely I'm not the only one to have thought of this? No, it's not perfect, but it's better than getting to this point and not being able to do anything about cry about the loss..

And to those thinking I'm full of crap.. My friends told me about breast development, first periods.. First loves.. Crushes.. All the essentials..

Oh, and I was told by several of the women at the 20yr HS reunion that I was always considered one of the girls...

I feel the same way. The Jenna Talickova story really floored me. Here was someone who gets to live her whole life as a woman. For me, in my 50s, it will be only a few decades if I'm lucky.

But I've had a decent life. I've made the most of what I have, and I have far more than I dreamed, including a relevant career, financial independence, two wonderful children, and a satisfying understanding of the world.

Can you look positively at those things in your teen years that made you into the wonderful person you are?

Hi dontcare,

You're right, life isn't fair. Sometimes it damn well sucks. But I never saw in the charter of life where it states that it has to be fair.

Again you're right. Estrogen gel will never bring out the woman you were meant to be. She's safely tucked away inside you waiting for you to discover her. At 21 you have at least another 60 years to go find her, if you chose to make a move now, before depression kills you.

And yes it is too late to claim a childhood. But if you don't do some thing now, about the 60 years you have in front of you, you'll spend all that time living in regret, with what you know you can do now.

Living with 60 years of regret; now that really sucks.

Huggs
Catherine

To be fair... tho I transitioned at 20 I've never had the slightest issue passing, I've never been clocked once or anything, and I still feel just as hopeless about my transition. I still feel like everybody can tell no matter how many times it has been proven to me that nobody can. Maybe it's not really easy for young transitioners either. 

Quote from: The Post-Trans-Rebel. on February 03, 2014, 04:22:53 AM
Do I wish I'd started transition earlier? Sure I do.. But I also realise that I started when I was ready.

I think you are making some gross generalisations here.. I'm don't 'act' like any one or anything, I am me. I live as myself, I know no other way. I apparently pass.. I don't just make that claim, I have the life experiences to back it up.. Sure, some people in my life know I'm trans, they are those closest to me. The rest of the world either doesn't know or doesn't care.

No amount of makeup or wigs or select clothing will ever make you a woman either.. It's as much about attitude and confidence as it is looks.

And here's where I get more than a little controversial..

I see the comments about, 'Why didn't I have a proper girl's childhood/teen years.', and I wonder what the hell people were thinking..

My childhood up until 11 or 12 was fairly gender neutral at home.. At school, I had female friends, who's lives I lived vicariously. at least as much as I could. My teen years saw the start of my step-dad's attempts to make me 'man up'.. None of it worked.. And again I lived my female friends lives as much as I could.. I knew I wasn't going to get to live the life I wanted thrn, so I made the best of it..

Surely I'm not the only one to have thought of this? No, it's not perfect, but it's better than getting to this point and not being able to do anything about cry about the loss..

And to those thinking I'm full of crap.. My friends told me about breast development, first periods.. First loves.. Crushes.. All the essentials..

Oh, and I was told by several of the women at the 20yr HS reunion that I was always considered one of the girls...

Honestly I really am not trying to offend you, but I find your comment the most depressing of all. Do you understand what you have just stated? What you described is just terrible, you were so unhappy with your life that you actually had to LIVE THROUGH OTHERS? You had to have no happiness of your own and you had to watch and hear about other genetic females having these great things happen? While you sit there in self loathing and wish it was you? Knowing that it would never be? That is exactly what I am talking about! That's terrible! The best way I can describe that is making the best out of a bad situation, and even then it is not even that it's more like floating through life and being complacent instead of just giving up and ending it.

"I see the comments about, 'Why didn't I have a proper girl's childhood/teen years.', and I wonder what the hell people were thinking.. "

Are you serious ?! Gender neutral is not what you went through. You were obviously not "allowed" to wear what you want, like who you want, be treated how you want, gendered wrong, given a name you didn't want. That dosen't even cover a quarter of it.

The biggest of ALL though is DEVELOPING AS A MALE DURING PUBERTY! Come on! what the hell are w thinking?? What the hell are you TALKING about? Do you know how IMPORTANT that is and how TRAUMATIC it was for me??

I can guarantee you that if I developed as female my life would be in a totally different place right now.

I cannot even find employment because of how I developed, I can guarantee my life would not be in the sh*thole it is right now if I had developed as female.

It would be a different world for me, I would be confident and HAPPY. I wouldn't worry all day about male pattern hairloss which is the most traumatic experience I have encountered so far on my journey. Do you understand how impossible it is to reverse and treat? How traumatic it is to have been dealing with is since 16? Do you know that the only alternative is an expensive wig that will look fake and unnatural on me that I will have to wear for the rest of my life? Making the little passing I do now just go right down the toilet?

My large shoulders and large rib cage make it even worse, I highly doubt any development I get from hormones will make my body appear female. I am basically doomed to covering up my body in tricky outfits FOREVER.

It's GREAT that you pass and your life is amazing, not everyone's is. Maybe you should check yourself before saying ignorant things.

Just so everyone knows I am post orchiectomy and have been on HRT since October 2013. So I already am well on my way now this isn't questioning to start.

Quote from: suzifrommd on February 03, 2014, 05:35:12 AM
I feel the same way. The Jenna Talickova story really floored me. Here was someone who gets to live her whole life as a woman. For me, in my 50s, it will be only a few decades if I'm lucky.

But I've had a decent life. I've made the most of what I have, and I have far more than I dreamed, including a relevant career, financial independence, two wonderful children, and a satisfying understanding of the world.

Can you look positively at those things in your teen years that made you into the wonderful person you are?

No my life since puberty has literally been a huge blur of anxiety and depression. I have huge holes in my memory from just being so disturbed by everything that has happened to my looks since then. Sometimes I doubt that I will ever get to a place where I will be ok. I really believe that suicide is my destiny, things just always seem to go wrong in my life. There is only so much one person can take and absorb in one lifetime. It's like every time I fight to be happy and stay alive there is something else that constantly comes up to cause more issues. Then when everything seems in the clear, I get hairloss that will most likely not stop and progress. So the one thing I liked about myself ever and the one thing that made me happy is now being taken away from me. My life sucks. I have no friends anymore. My family is in denial I am trans and the ones that know have rejected me. My boyfriend is chronically ill and is always lashing out at me. My therapist is extorting me and using hormones and surgery to her advantage to keep me coming to her since she is the only gender therapist in my area that takes my insurance. I spent all of my savings on getting an orchiectomy to stop my hairloss which I doubt will stop now, and so I have no money left to even get started to get a car to get to a job. I cannot get a job because no one will hire me because I am trans. I am growing breasts and I have a full beard that I cannot pay to remove since I cannot get to work or get a job. I am bouncing back between my home and my boyfriend's home. None know I am transgender except my boyfriend and who knows if ill have a place to stay when they find out soon when my breasts become obvious. The only other person I could rely on was my dad and now he abandoned me and told me if I took hormones and got kicked out because of it he wouldn't let me stay with him. He constantly threatens me about taking away my medical insurance.

Like seriously what is the point? I am trapped on all ends.

Quote from: l0nghairdontcare on February 03, 2014, 02:05:26 PM
Just so everyone knows I am post orchiectomy and have been on HRT since October 2013. So I already am well on my way now this isn't questioning to start.

Okay, I want to throw this out there.

I, like yourself, am post-orchie.

When I started my transition, I was absolutely certain that I would have GRS one day. There were no doubts about this. Then, after being on HRT for a few years, I began to look into all of the financial aspects of this. There was no way in hell I was ever going to be able to afford this. I live on a very tight budget and there is no way around that. I can't drive for a variety of reasons. No matter where I went for GRS, it would require flying there and there is no way in hell my family would have let me go through something like that alone, so that would require airfare for myself, along with 1 or possibly 2 people. Then factor in the costs of them being put up in a motel, renting a car since we obviously wouldn't be driving there since where ever I went would be hundreds if not thousands of miles away, not to mention the costs of the surgery itself, and it soon become all too obvious that there was no way in hell I could afford to do this.

So, I was faced with a few options: Orchi, detransition and being miserable, or just killing myself and being done with it all. I went through a period of 3 days where I was severely depressed and was heavily leaning towards suicide. But once that subsided, I got to work on looking into having the orchi done. I found a urologist in a nearby city that would do it and it would be almost entirely paid for by my insurance. I had the orchi done several months later and that was that.

I was able to get my gender marker changed which was a huge relief. I was able to get off Spiro which was nice because I was sick of running back and forth to the bathroom or desperately hunting down a public restroom when I was out and about. But I also went through a period where I screwed up and starting playing doctor and suggesting that my E be increased which was a dumb thing to do and I blame the quacks at the clinic I was seeing for letting me do that just as much as I blame myself for even bringing it up. Thankfully, my current endo isn't that stupid. (I learned my lesson after that. Leave the medical stuff to the docs.)

But as far as how I feel after the orchi. Everything is okay. I did what I could. I can't go any further and I accept that. GRS isn't going to do anything for me no matter how much I would tell myself otherwise in the past. It would have been something that I would be chasing for the rest of my life and never getting it anyway, so screw that.

I don't regret what I did as far as the orchi was concerned. Sure, sometimes, I regret not completing electro when I had a big wad of cash a long time ago. I regret not coming out at age 10 or 19, but screw it. What's done is done and I can't go back. I can only go forward from here.

Quote from: Arch on February 02, 2014, 07:43:07 PM
I don't watch those things anymore because I'm not really interested in the adults, and the kids' stories get me upset for just the reasons you stated.

The other day, my therapist and I were talking about my possible hysto and the insurance complications I might face because I'm not continuously employed yet. He started raving about the new California guidelines and some university students he counsels; he is thrilled to be writing surgery letters for twenty-year-olds.

I simultaneously wanted to rip his throat out and burst into tears.

I can relate to that, my therapist was trying to give me some years window from when I could get my orchie.

I took my life into my own hands and I went and found someone who would do it without a letter and got it done.

I hope you can get your surgery done and paid for and live a happy and healthy life that you deserve.

Quote from: l0nghairdontcare on February 03, 2014, 02:00:25 PM
Honestly I really am not trying to offend you, but I find your comment the most depressing of all. Do you understand what you have just stated? What you described is just terrible, you were so unhappy with your life that you actually had to LIVE THROUGH OTHERS? You had to have no happiness of your own and you had to watch and hear about other genetic females having these great things happen? While you sit there in self loathing and wish it was you? Knowing that it would never be? That is exactly what I am talking about! That's terrible! The best way I can describe that is making the best out of a bad situation, and even then it is not even that it's more like floating through life and being complacent instead of just giving up and ending it.

"I see the comments about, 'Why didn't I have a proper girl's childhood/teen years.', and I wonder what the hell people were thinking.. "

Are you serious ?! Gender neutral is not what you went through. You were obviously not "allowed" to wear what you want, like who you want, be treated how you want, gendered wrong, given a name you didn't want. That dosen't even cover a quarter of it.

Depressing? I didn't find it so.. I essentislly got to live as msyelf - minus the presentation. As far as self-hatred and self-loathing for it, that's your own issue, don't project on it on me.

My childhood was gender neutral, how do you know it was not? No, I didn't wear skirts or dresses, they lacked practicality for me.. But I did wear anything else I wanted.. I hung with who I wanted..

Yeah, I made the best of the situation.. But as for killing myself? Nope, wasn't going to happen.

QuoteThe biggest of ALL though is DEVELOPING AS A MALE DURING PUBERTY! Come on! what the hell are w thinking?? What the hell are you TALKING about? Do you know how IMPORTANT that is and how TRAUMATIC it was for me??

In 1987, when I worked it all out, male puberty was somewhat inevitable.. Puberty blockers for gender issues were unheard of then.

QuoteI can guarantee you that if I developed as female my life would be in a totally different place right now.

I cannot even find employment because of how I developed, I can guarantee my life would not be in the sh*thole it is right now if I had developed as female.

It would be a different world for me, I would be confident and HAPPY. I wouldn't worry all day about male pattern hairloss which is the most traumatic experience I have encountered so far on my journey. Do you understand how impossible it is to reverse and treat? How traumatic it is to have been dealing with is since 16? Do you know that the only alternative is an expensive wig that will look fake and unnatural on me that I will have to wear for the rest of my life? Making the little passing I do now just go right down the toilet?

My large shoulders and large rib cage make it even worse, I highly doubt any development I get from hormones will make my body appear female. I am basically doomed to covering up my body in tricky outfits FOREVER.

It's GREAT that you pass and your life is amazing, not everyone's is. Maybe you should check yourself before saying ignorant things.

Really? Can you guarantee that your life would be better? I've known many women who had crappy lives. I know women who can't find employment, despite experience and qualifications. Confidence and happiness come from within. Your apparent MPB seems mostly in your head - the only difference I can see between your hair and my late GF's was the face that was hiding under it.

Puberty left me with all the usual male physical markers. A large ribcage, broad shoulders. Hormones have not given me an all that female shape - they certainly skipped out on giving me boobs of any sort. I've not had the money to remove my facial hair. There's a whole laundry list of things that are 'wrong' with me that could prevent my transition and passing. They don't, funnily enough.. You want to know why? I know who I am.. I own who I am. My self-confidence and attitude make it all work. It hasn't always been this way, once I was a scared and scarred little girl.

If you want to spend your time dwelling on all the negatives, go right ahead. Just know that it will leave you miserable. Take the positives and run with them, seems to work for most..

EDIT: My life is what it is because I made it so.. Not by sitting around crying about things I could do nothing about, but rather by working on what I could.. And yeah, there is some ignorance in this thread - but it's not coming from me.

Longhair (sorry missed your name hon),

This seems to be an issue almost every trans person works through near the beginning - 'why did I wait so long?' 'if only I had done or known X, Y, Z, I would have transitioned so much earlier!' And it strikes at every age. I felt that way at 27. Others feel that way at 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 and beyond. Some even feel that way at 16. It's a sense of loss. A lost childhood as your right gender, lost teen years, lost time, etc. Even someone transitioning pre-puberty has lost time. Sure, she has a lot to look forward to, but there are still a lot of things that will never be the same. So much development and socialization happens in the first years. She's still not going to grow up the same as a cis girl.

A lot of times there's an underlying self-blame element to this. I think that's what makes it so difficult to get past for some. When you look in the mirror at the 'male features' you're afraid can't be fixed, what do you feel? Hopelessness? Regret? Is there self-blame in there? For what? Not transitioning as a kid? Not somehow stopping the T poisoning?

If you were a cis woman with these features, would you feel the same way? You may not be happy with those features, but would you blame yourself? What if as a cis woman, you found out at 21 that your masculinized features were a result of a rare condition that could have been prevented if treated in childhood? Would you blame yourself for not magically knowing? What if you did know, but the treatment was insanely expensive and your parents couldn't or wouldn't pay for it? If a cis friend had this experience, would you think it was her fault? Would you feel it's too bad for her, she could have been 'fixed' but missed her chance? Or would you encourage her to make the best of her situation now?

Longhair, yes there are trans children who are lucky to avoid the effects of puberty. But that's not you. For whatever reason, you weren't meant to transition then. You were put on this earth in a specific time and place with specific circumstances. Focusing on this is little different to focusing on why you weren't born the queen of England. It would have been nice, but that's not the way it happened. And I know this doesn't help much, but right now there are tons of trans women who would kill to be transitioning at your age and with your hair.

FA, thank you for posting that.

I look at it this way I could fill a book with all of my regrets but I doubt that wod do more good than harm. The thing is, the past exists and it doesn't care how you judge it, doesn't stop being what it was for all of the what ifs in the world.

Of course that doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel bad about it or perhaps even toss blame, I blame my parents for a lot and my mom let me play with her heels, so it could have been far worse.

So sure I am jealous about younger transitioners but I am also jealous of those born wealthy, who will never have had to do the things I have done just to eat. Still jealousy and envy doesn't have to become bitterness if you don't want it to be.