Hi everyone. My name is Thea (nickname Elyra). I've been thinking about joining this site for quite a while (longtime lurker!) but never got around to do so - until now. And I guess I finally did because I feel kinda down today
So warnings first, this is kind of long. And it's mostly me ranting. Sorry
So, introductions first. I'm a MtF, transgendered woman of 26 years. I write that, but I'm nowhere near fulltime yet, unfortunately. The last five years or so I've been off and on debating with myself if I truly am transgendered, or just confused, or what. While I don't go back and forth on that issue anymore, I'm still constantly questioning if transitioning is right for me. I've pretty much known I wanted to be a girl since about age 14 (but I chose to suppress it back then). Before that, gender didn't really concern me all that much. For about ten years I've been increasingly more and more depressed, largely due to gender dysphoria, something I'm sure most of you are intimately familiar with.
So, I started off three years ago by telling my closest friends and family how I felt, and for a while things were all right. I went to a therapist regularly. I experimented with make-up and clothing. But everything was done at home. I didn't really progress as a person, nor did I do anything related to transitioning - I was kind of just hoping things would fix themselves, and of course they didn't. About a year ago I was at an all time low in my life, barely functioning. I had completely stopped experimenting at that point, and doing anything sociable was unbearable. The therapy had stopped. I just couldn't bring myself to talk about it anymore. The only place I enjoyed being at was at work, where I could occupy myself with tasks so that I didn't have to think about my own issues. That changed when I finally had enough, at the beginning of september last year.
I started HRT, DIY style. Now, before anyone might point their finger, know that in the country I live, hormone therapy is only really something a person can get prescribed by first doing therapy for quite a while, and then going through the dreaded real life test, where you're supposed to live as your designated gender for over a year. After that, they
might help you. I didn't want to wait anymore, I really didn't, at that point I felt like I had been waiting all my life already. Now, I've been on HRT for 5 months. The first three months I was pretty euphoric, feeling better then I had in years. Now, that feeling has unfortunatly subsided, and while I definitly feel less depressed, I still have tough days. Like today.
My biggest enemy is myself. Every one of my friends and family has supported me, but I still feel inadeqate, unsure, afraid. Since childhood I've been terrified of standing out in the crowd, being laughed at, being teased (and I was teased a lot). I'm not at all confident in myself, so I tend to back away from doing anything bold, like going full time, or even showing my femininity amongst friends. Words do hurt me, as pathetic as that sounds. I'm extremly sensitive to insults, and I even tend to read something negative into every neutral comment. As a consequence, I'm constantly getting disappointed and sad by my own lack of drive and progress. The even sadder part is that it's all my fault
HRT has, so far at least, not really helped me face these issues. I still look 100 % male, though the few changes to my body has been enjoyable (my face hasn't really changed at all so far). My original plan was to gradually go into full time as my body changed. Suffice to say, going full time just like that terrifies me. But it's getting really frustrating just waiting for that to happen, and it might not even happen at all (a big fear I have). So I go back and forth dealing with anxiety and not managing to be myself despite really wanting to every day.
Sorry, this got really long. I'll end my rant here, I guess I needed to vent. Transitioning is tough. I wish I could have half the guts many of you possess. Thank for reading this.
