I dont know if this is the right place to post this, but here it is:

I don't know what to do... I feel like every time i see my body its so deformed... I literally cry at the sight of everything on me... I hate my skin, i hate my legs/chest/back/butt.. I feel like testosterone has already destroyed whatever is left of my body... as if hormones won't fix anything because i am just too far gone... and I feel like I have no one to talk to about this... the people who are my "friends" dont want to hear about this so I just don't talk to them.. my wife is oblivious to the art of sympathy in general.. my psychologist isnt available... I feel like my entire existence is an abomination.

I was supposed to start HRT today... but i got called only a few hours ago (not a couple of days which would have been IDEAL) only to hear that my appointment had to be pushed back another 2 weeks.... for the last 2 months i've had this endless headache and this anticipation that had my anxiety and sanity in overdrive and I was exhausted all the time because of how much energy it took to suppress... and it all led up to TODAY... or it was supposed to, because today was supposed to be my relief... but being called and told i was pushed back another 2 weeks just destroyed the flood gates and i've been crying non stop for the last day and a half... all these thoughts and feelings of body dysmorphia are making me feel like I am beyond fixing... like no amount of hormones or surgery are going to fix god's mistake. On top of that it doesn't help that despite not presenting as male anymore,  I can FEEL the look and ambiance my friends give off... the one that blatantly and subconsciously says "We're girls, and HE's a GUY".... Its like everything I've been ignoring for the last 2 months I just can no longer ignore and I'm having the worst panic attack i've ever had.... I know 2 weeks isn't a lot... my rational, logical mind knows this... but my emotional mind feels like its forever, and it feels like when that day comes, something else is going to happen... like HRT is a fleeting dream that only exists in fantasy.. Like even having something CLOSE to a female body or appearance is something I will never be able to achieve.

Why do I feel this way... Why is it that i look at myself in the mirror and see HORROR. I use to be happy with my template of a body.. but now i feel like everything about me is like something out of a monster movie... I feel like I'm too late.... Everyone else looks so amazing and looks like they started off with a good body to work with, but i see myself and feel like my entire body is a disgusting scar. I feel like a Frankenstein.. Does anyone know how I can combat this because I really just can't stop crying or find any feeling of hope no matter how deep I dig.

That is just evil. I can't believe that they are so rude to you. This was supposed to be a happy day for you and instead they just ruin the next two weeks for you. If it had been me I would have called them and yelled at them that this is not ok. If they had said anything about that they couldn't help it, just stand up for yourself and tell them what they've done to you now. And relax, you will get on HRT pretty soon anyway. Think about the people that lived 100 years ago, they never had the possibiity to take hormones. These last two weeks are just for you to feel even more secure about HRT!

Quote from: 930310 on February 04, 2014, 02:27:39 PM
That is just evil. I can't believe that they are so rude to you. This was supposed to be a happy day for you and instead they just ruin the next two weeks for you. If it had been me I would have called them and yelled at them that this is not ok. If they had said anything about that they couldn't help it, just stand up for yourself and tell them what they've done to you now. And relax, you will get on HRT pretty soon anyway. Think about the people that lived 100 years ago, they never had the possibiity to take hormones. These last two weeks are just for you to feel even more secure about HRT!

I'm just so afraid of having it moved back more... this is the 3rd time I've had to postpone for some external reason... I'm so afraid of lashing out or showing that this anticipation is causing me to lose my sanity because I'm afraid my behavior will result in even more rejection... i feel like my whole body is on fire but the fire is invisible... I'm encompassed in pain as if the fire was still burning, but see only burn wounds covering my entire body... so hideously disfigured... and i hate how because of this event... whatever strength i had holding these feelings back, continuting the shroud of positive energy to see the good things... has faded and now all I see is why my mind perceives as reality... and to my mind, the reality is that I'm beyond saving.

YOU ARE NOT BEYOND SAVING!
I have experienced several depressions myself and I know what you are going through. The one thing you can't do is feeling sorry for yourself, it will only make it much worse. The thing that will help you is to try living as you usually do go to your work/school etc. And the most important thing is to talk about your feelings to people around you. I'm sure you have friends or relatives that you can talk to. This is just so serious that you must stop this now. And cheer up! There is so much that you still have to experience. If you need to talk too someone I'll do my best!

Quote from: 930310 on February 04, 2014, 02:43:16 PM
And the most important thing is to talk about your feelings to people around you. I'm sure you have friends or relatives that you can talk to.

this is part of the reason im in so much pain.. it seems like every time i open my mouth to say anything, all I do is make people mad because they don't understand what its like.... I try to be calm and concise about what I'm saying but because my friends or family dont understand what I'm feeling, they think I'm being petty... I wish I could talk to my friends but they don't want to hear it... the only person who understands is my psychologist but she's not currently available and I don't have the money to see her right now (things at work are bad... it seems that when it rains, it pours)

Explain your feelings to them. If they can't understand what situation you're in and support you they are no friends of yours. It's too bad you're not living here in Sweden. Most of our health-care is free and you would be able too see a psychologist for a low amount. My offer is open. If you wish too talk to someone I'm avialable. Have you tried calling those hotlines for people in need? Have you gone too a church or a shelter? They are usually very helpful and will listen to what you have to say.

If you can get to a lgbt center they could get you some help.

Hi Emily,
I know how you feel because I felt that way for more than four decades, but I warn you, your dysphoria will only grow worse if you do nothing about it. My advice if you're losing hope or have already lost it, is to go to the "Before and After" thread here on Susan's and see where we've come from. I understand everything you've said and have felt them to the point of suicide, but I'm happier now than I thought possible. That's not to say I'm always happy, I'm not, but who is, trans or cis female? You have every right to be upset about these lost two weeks, but look at it for what it is, two weeks delayed to a better life, not the end of the hope of one. Believe me, Emily, HRT really does help in ways I can't even describe, and even though the physical changes are tremendous, the emotional well being is immeasurable. Don't give up, girl! I'm going to be 60 and didn't begin my real transition till I was less than one month shy of 57. If you care to see mine it's on the 'The All New "Before And After" topic. It's not the most radical change here, but it's a pretty big one. I've been living full time for twenty nine months now and I'm sooo glad I transitioned. I have no doubt I'd be dead now if I hadn't. So have hope, Emily! Testosterone is an overrated enemy and can be vanquished, even if not always eradicated altogether. You can do it, girl! Hugs, Mira