OK its not like I did not have enough happen to me today. First the therapist called me back today. Was not expecting it but she had an opening today. Ya normally I would put it off. But I jumped at it.

Since I decided to go to the therapist I have been remembering all kinds of stuff that has been long forgotten. Some good. Some bad. And most that has made me think. "Now I get it" and "a lot makes sense now" So I get home and it all catches up to me and I cry and while I am crying I can pinpoint exactly why. But thanks to the gals here I understand its just a release of emotion.

Now for the totally unexpected. I am laying in bed totally exhausted from today. My head is killing me and my tummy is upset. And my wife comes home and comes in the room and we finally have that serious conversation. You know the one where you discuss how far you want to go and how far she is willing to stay for. Was not planning on having it this soon. No way no how.

The first thing she said is that I could tell her as little or as much as I wanted and she would be OK no matter what. I looked at her and said seriously? And starred at her for a reaction and I could see her mind racing knowing she was thinking worst case scenario. And if course I was right. And we got to that subject. I told her that if I was single. I would go all the way. FFS SRS hormones the whole nine yards. She told me I had to do what I had to do to be happy. To be who I am and to be the person I was meant to be and she did not want to stop me. BUT and of course there was a BUT She said that she does not want to be married to a woman. Yes the knife in the heart. But there is still a chance she said since we do not know the future and we feel god will direct us in the right direction she will try to keep an open mind. She will see where this goes. And we both vowed for complete open communication through the whole process. She said we both know how I am. I get all gun hoe and get all excited about something and then get tired of it. I explained that this has been a life long search for my true self. Since around or before the 4th grade. And she actually agreed that this is more than one of those times.

Even though it has been around 2 months since we have done anything, some of the discussion was around making love. And the feeling we both have when we are connected. That is one feeling I have always loved. It is a deep soul connection between us. And I am not sure at this point I want to lose that. So after doing research I know it is remotely possible to keep function so if I do all but SRS then it might be a compromise I will make. Its like I told the therapist. If the boy parts stay or go it won't make me feel any more or less than a women. And I will be more than happy to be boy mode for her as long as under the clothes I am a woman.

We talked about ffs a little and I got the omg look but it was OK in the end. That is pretty far down the road so we decided to deal with that when the time comes.

So being that I only just saw the therapist for the first time today we decided with open communication we would discuss the steps as I was ready to take them. Ya so I am like so looking forward to the hormone discussion. Lol

So I told her she is my best friend and no matter what happens I have to have her in my life. With tears in both of our eyes she kissed me and said that she wanted the same thing. The tears have been in both our eyes through out the whole conversation.

So all in all she knows exactly what I want and I know her exact feelings about everything. The outcome was 100% better than I could ever expect. Not the perfect outcome. But better than I think I could have wished for.

I love all my new friends here. I have only made it this far because of you awesome women. It means the world to me that I have been able to dig deep down and find my courage because of the conversations I have had here.

And one more thing my wife and I discussed. And this memory only surfaced after I decided to go to the therapist. And will be brought up in my next session next week. Although it was minor and only happened one time. I was molested by my sister. She was a teenager at the time and she is about 10 years older than me, so that puts me somewhere around 5-8 years old. I am still processing it and there is a little more to it. But I had to get it out again. My wife was the first to ever know about this and my gal pals her are the second.

Thanks again for listening and reading this long post. I welcome and want all input. So don't be shy give me some input if you please. I value all if it.

Sounds like you are making some good progress girl! I know all the feelings you talked about. Change is always hard, but most of the time well worth it. If you really look at it though you are not making any changes as you have already been a woman inside your whole life. You are really only revealing the REAL you. It feels good, scary and confusing, but natural, doesn't it? My personality has not really changed, but has been released from a really long imprisonment. I do things and feel things now I used to repress and feel great about it. I am so happy for you now. I hope things work out with you and the wife. Just as it was hard to accept yourself though it is going to be hard for her to really accept this new dynamic. I hope she can transition along with you an find acceptance. I know where she is coming from though. Just like some trans people worry about passing she has to worry about public perception and how it will impact HER life. She is probably questioning her ideas about gender and what people will think about her if she stays. Give her time to deal with it and support her like she is you and maybe things will work out for the both of you. We worry about family, job and friends acceptance and now she will as well. Just remember she is transitioning as well and hers was not about choice so be compassionate, supportive and do not allow anger or hate to establish itself if she decides she can not stay, OK? It would probably help her to see a counselor or therapist as well. Has she expressed any interest in reading the posting section for significant others here? That might be a good starting point so she can see how other S.O.s have dealt with this issue and the emotions that come with it. Good luck baby!

Have you considered that on HRT you'll no longer be attracted sexually to women? About a third of us change our orientation to men, especially after SRS.

Quote from: DrZoey on February 05, 2014, 12:18:36 AM
Have you considered that on HRT you'll no longer be attracted sexually to women? About a third of us change our orientation to men, especially after SRS.

It sure did in my case! Men, sigh.

Me too, and three ;-)

Quote from: DrZoey on February 05, 2014, 12:18:36 AM
Have you considered that on HRT you'll no longer be attracted sexually to women? About a third of us change our orientation to men, especially after SRS.

Yes I have considered that. I know there is a high possibility and I will be OK with that. IF it happens. I have actually been with both. And I feel you fall in love with the person or their soul and we have a deeper connection than I have ever had with anybody in my life. With out that connection and the belief we have in each other and the support we have for one another I do not believe I would be here talking to you today. I know no matter what path our lives take she will be there for me and I will be there for her. I just hope and pray it is with us side by side.

Quote from: DrZoey on February 05, 2014, 12:36:30 AM
Me too, and three ;-)

Hit me like a ton of bricks...

Swoon...

Sigh...

If there is a change in sexuality, it does not tend to be either or... usually it is both AND...

Hi Norma,

Welcome to the roller coaster. Just wait till you hit the hormones. Just make sure you're strapped in.

You appear to have a strong understanding of what it takes. A strong communication line and at times a brutal and blatant honesty will win out over everything else every time.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coping.

Huggs
Catherine

[quote author=Jessica Merriman link=topic=159021.msg1352914#msg1352914 date=1391580862

 You are really only revealing the REAL you. It feels good, scary and confusing, but natural, doesn't it?

Has she expressed any interest in reading the posting section for significant others here? That might be a good starting point so she can see how other S.O.s have dealt with this issue and the emotions that come with it. Good luck baby!
[/quote]

Yes it feels awesome!!

I sent her a link to the SO part if this website and she has read it some.

And I can see she needs time to process. I can see it in her face. And she is sleeping right now and tossing and turning more than usual. So I know it is affecting her.

Yes, Tori is correct, both. Lol

After a total emotion filled day yesterday I woke up this morning crying. Haven't even come close to starting hrt. My emotions are starting to contradict them self's. Yesterday I was really OK with leaving my boy parts alone. When I woke up I had a hardcore erection and all I could think about is having them gone. I don't want them right this second. It just makes me mad that they are there. I know the hormones will probably make the emotions act up even more. And the funny thing is I can't wait. Why is that? My emotions will run a muck even more and I am looking forward to that? Why? Why?

Quote from: Norma Lynne on February 05, 2014, 09:03:59 AM
I know the hormones will probably make the emotions act up even more. And the funny thing is I can't wait. Why is that? My emotions will run a muck even more and I am looking forward to that? Why? Why?

Maybe because you really, really want to express your feelings more? I know I did. Before, I had everything bottled up inside of me. I never cried, and at one point I felt unable to, even if I wanted it. That's not healthy. Being on hormones has made me much, much better at dealing with powerful emotions, and the guts to express them, even in public. It's a wonderful release.

I hope your wife will continue to support and love you, no matter what. It's bound to be wonderful to have a partner there to help you on your way.

Quote from: DrZoey on February 05, 2014, 12:18:36 AM
Have you considered that on HRT you'll no longer be attracted sexually to women? About a third of us change our orientation to men, especially after SRS.

I will be starting hormones in about a week, and have wondered about this happening to me as well. I asked about it in another thread. Although I have been exclusively heterosexual up to now, I can look at a few men and think that they would be attractive to my inner woman. I also don't find the traditional role of a man penetrating a woman to be all that emotionally rewarding. I am suspicious that I will lose interest in that very quickly in that on hormones. I am hoping that something replaces it.