Greets, I apologize for the conflated username but I've not picked my real name yet, though I'm leaning toward Sarah Lacey in any event, on with the show.
I'm a 32 year old transwoman, and I'm basically at square one of transition. Perhaps this is a sort of manifesto or just a way for me to kind of let things out because I live in a smallish town in the Cold North of Minnesota and as a predictable consequence, I've no LGBT support network here outside of maybe a few lesbian friends.
Why am I transitioning?
This is a question I spent a great deal of time with. Though I would like to think I'd pass relatively easy due to a great number of factors (I'm 5'4, all of 115lbs, small hands, small feet, I've always been fairly androgynous, etc.) that isn't why I'm transitioning.
I'm transitioning because my life as a man can no longer work; it has no future. For most of my life, I've wanted to be a woman, but I fell into pressures from family, friends, society at large. So I played the part that was expected of me.
Two marriages that both failed within 2 years, 10 years in the military (Before DADT was repealed) that ultimately didn't work, I've lost utterly all interest in everything around me. My sex drive has all but evaporated. There is no enjoyment for me in this life that I'm living. The amount of energy required to keep this mask on is exponentially increasing. It is to the point where I'm so tired I can't even be bothered to cry about it. All this time I've put it off, I've set these feelings aside, and I played my part. . .a lie so grand it is equaled only by it's monumental failure.
Transitioning to me--at this point--is not a question, but a mandate. I can no longer hide from this, I can ill-afford to keep this mask on, I cannot be the fool harboring delusions. In the end it will destroy me, and my near-constant drinking is a precursor to my bleak future as a man.
One month ago I decided "F-ck it, I'm done. You can take this masculinity and cram it, gimme my purse!"
After coming out to friends, seeing a therapist, I feel better than I think I ever have. I haven't yet even started HRT, living, or anything really--I have bought some nice jeans though and scheduled to have my beard lasered off!--but I feel so much more alive at the very prospect of this all happening for me. I'm finally starting to learn who I am, I have the energy, passion, and devotion to FINALLY AFTER 32 F-UCKING YEARS learn who I am.
I don't know if my story is similar to yours while you were considering transitioning, and we transwomen are special creatures, unique in our own way.
I no longer fear it, for I am a transwoman and I'm free.
♥
-AM
