This is the first time I've said anything to anyone about what is going on inside. If things come out disjointed or confusing, please understand that I am experiencing some technical difficulties. (Sweaty palms, shaking hands, the almost uncontrollable urge shut down my computer and go running for the hills. That sort of thing.)
After reading many posts, it seems that so many of you have at least known that there was something different for a long time. I always thought that I was normal until the last year, and I am 44. OK, there were two guys that I've met that made me feel funny and about 15 years ago I went through a phase where I wore my girlfriends panties for three months, so normal perv maybe.
Then a year ago I realized that it was taking me longer and longer to climax. Everything functioned fine just took longer. Soon I understood that it wasn't a physical issue but a mental one. I had absolutely no desire to put that particular part of me into another human being, in fact I was not even overly fond of that part. "Whats wrong with me?", I thought over and over again. First conclusion I came to after many weeks is that I was gay. It took a couple of months to sink in as my 17 year relationship was coming to an end during this time, and I had other things on my mind. Life started going back to normal now but I'm probably gay... Sure, no problem. Not my first choice but you play the cards you are dealt.
It had been a long time, and never with a guy so it took me four months. Finally it's going to happen and I am far more terrified then excited. Er... you want me to put my what, where? No, no, no, you misunderstood, I am the girl in this scenario. Girls are not even supposed to have those parts and I really didn't want you to even see them. We part ways and that's that. I leave frustrated and not looking forward to the 45 min drive home.
I was almost home when what I said sank in. "I am the GIRL!?!?"
Every little part of me meant that. No question about it.
I never even considered the possibility. Well, things were looking much clearer. The ex, the fact that I was looking for a strait guy. I had my answer but I didn't like it. Forget about it and stay single the rest of your life. No puh-rob-lem right?
After reading the posts here I am sure every single one of you know the answer to that question.

So, months later, just 5 days ago in fact, I decided to shave. You know, just to see what it would feel like. Could I have made it the rest of my life if I hadn't done that? We will never know.
Within hours I was shopping for "REAL" clothes. Took the next four days off work cause the thought of putting on men's clothing frankly made me want to puke(got lots of vacation thankfully). Missed the Super Bowl and pissed my brothers off cause I was supposed to get the beer.

So, after all of that, my question is;
How could I not have known?
How can I feel so comfortable sitting here in just a long night shirt and a pair of panties?
How can the last 5 days have been among the happiest of my life?
Am I defective because I didn't have a clue?
Most importantly, where do I go from here?

I hope this is the right forum for this kinda thing, if not could someone direct me to the proper one?
If so could someone please help me? Honestly, as happy as I am, I am also scared half out of my mind.

Thank You

You are not broken, you are not defective. You are not as common as most trans folk, who know at a very early age. Latent ->-bleeped-<- is not that rare, just less common.

I suggest you see a therapist soon, these types of realizations can hit like a ton of bricks. I know. I just last week realized I was bi, and once I made the realization, there was no changing it. Having someone to talk to is very helpful.

Welcome!

Aloha,
Tori

Awww, sweetie I know it's a very scary thing to talk about this for the first time. *big hug* But you don't have anything to be scared of here, okay? We only want the best for you, and to make you feel like you can talk about these things in a non-judgemental, supportive atmosphere.

You're among friends now.

As for your questions:

How could you not have known? Well, because you know when you know. That's the easiest way I can think of to explain it. People are all different, and some have a more extroverted outlook on their lives than others. They get absorbed in the day to day. The relationships. The work, rest and play, you know? Even if the subconscious has a nagging little voice somewhere way down deep, there are a lot of folks who aren't listening for the longest time, or have a myriad of other voices drowning it out. Heck, many folks even attribute it to other things and throw themselves into life even harder to distract themselves. Don't feel like there's some point in time you have to have been hit upside the head with the "Holy Slipper of Understanding" to make your experiences real and valid. Because that just ain't the case.

How can you feel comfortable wearing clothes that make you feel good and like you're more in touch with yourself? And how can the last few days have been happy ones? Well... sometimes, when we finally do take the time to sit down and listen to ourselves, really listen to the voice inside, it can make you feel... complete. Like you found something you didn't even know you were looking for, but that the something is one of the most valuable things you can ever have. A sense of self.

Are you defective because you didn't have a clue? Heck no! You're not defective period. You took some time to explore your feelings, the way you see yourself, and came to some answers you weren't expecting. That doesn't make you anything other than more self-aware than you were before, hon.

Where to go from here... I would suggest finding a qualified professional with training in gender issues. A therapist or equivalent. Someone you can talk to about how you feel, what your choices are, and spend some more time exploring yourself and your place in the world.

Oh, and maybe hang around here to share your experiences and feel part of a community whose aim is to make the whole thing just a little less scary. *hugs*

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
This is the first time I've said anything to anyone about what is going on inside. If things come out disjointed or confusing, please understand that I am experiencing some technical difficulties. (Sweaty palms, shaking hands, the almost uncontrollable urge shut down my computer and go running for the hills. That sort of thing.)
After reading many posts, it seems that so many of you have at least known that there was something different for a long time. I always thought that I was normal until the last year, and I am 44. OK, there were two guys that I've met that made me feel funny and about 15 years ago I went through a phase where I wore my girlfriends panties for three months, so normal perv maybe.
Then a year ago I realized that it was taking me longer and longer to climax. Everything functioned fine just took longer. Soon I understood that it wasn't a physical issue but a mental one. I had absolutely no desire to put that particular part of me into another human being, in fact I was not even overly fond of that part. "Whats wrong with me?", I thought over and over again. First conclusion I came to after many weeks is that I was gay. It took a couple of months to sink in as my 17 year relationship was coming to an end during this time, and I had other things on my mind. Life started going back to normal now but I'm probably gay... Sure, no problem. Not my first choice but you play the cards you are dealt.
It had been a long time, and never with a guy so it took me four months. Finally it's going to happen and I am far more terrified then excited. Er... you want me to put my what, where? No, no, no, you misunderstood, I am the girl in this scenario. Girls are not even supposed to have those parts and I really didn't want you to even see them. We part ways and that's that. I leave frustrated and not looking forward to the 45 min drive home.
I was almost home when what I said sank in. "I am the GIRL!?!?"
Every little part of me meant that. No question about it.
I never even considered the possibility. Well, things were looking much clearer. The ex, the fact that I was looking for a strait guy. I had my answer but I didn't like it. Forget about it and stay single the rest of your life. No puh-rob-lem right?
After reading the posts here I am sure every single one of you know the answer to that question.

So, months later, just 5 days ago in fact, I decided to shave. You know, just to see what it would feel like. Could I have made it the rest of my life if I hadn't done that? We will never know.
Within hours I was shopping for "REAL" clothes. Took the next four days off work cause the thought of putting on men's clothing frankly made me want to puke(got lots of vacation thankfully). Missed the Super Bowl and pissed my brothers off cause I was supposed to get the beer.

So, after all of that, my question is;
How could I not have known?
How can I feel so comfortable sitting here in just a long night shirt and a pair of panties?
How can the last 5 days have been among the happiest of my life?
Am I defective because I didn't have a clue?
Most importantly, where do I go from here?

I hope this is the right forum for this kinda thing, if not could someone direct me to the proper one?
If so could someone please help me? Honestly, as happy as I am, I am also scared half out of my mind.

Thank You

You aren't broken, you aren't defective, you aren't wrong.  What's broken, defective, and wrong is that you were born in the wrong body.  That's it.

We are luminous beings  and our bodies are merely a vessel for that being.  Unfortunately some of us get the wrong vessel.

Think of it this way, hermaphrodites exist; people born with both male and female parts.  It shouldn't be surprising nor is it a stretch of the imagination that some of us are born with a female brain in a male body or vice versa. 

Fortunately we have the technological and scientific capability to reverse that to a great extent.  Sure, we'll never become natal women, but being a transwoman is special and unique in its own right. 

I recommend the following: Do not engage in any kind of sex or relationships until you've dealt with your gender issues.  Any sort of rejection early might cause you to become more depressed.  Instead see a therapist and get the process started.  Find your inner soul which is much more important than getting off.  There is something to be said about being who you are, being comfortable with who you are, and loving yourself before any real connections can be made with other people.

If you feel this way you can't afford to hide or run from it.  Trust me honey, things will spin out of control quickly.  Far too many transwomen end up drug addicts, alcoholics, and/or suicide statistics before they even attempt at actually becoming a woman.  I personally turned to alcohol.  After allowing alcohol, depression, two divorces, a DUI, and everything around me falling apart, it was time for a change.  A little girl's voice in my soul said "You can quit now, no more mask, no more lies.  Please, at least let me try."

I gave in, and after coming out to some close friends I feel better than I have in my entire life.  I feel somehow liberated.

Get help, and if it is right for you, transition.   Ultimate happiness and perfection are unobtainable because they are goals that are always changing, but there's nothing wrong with perusing those goals.

-AM

My story is similar to yours Michelle - I lived a normal guy's life until I was 45 and then the feelings started. I had a wife, two kids, a business, a house, a race car, a garage full of really nice tools, and lots of other typically male things, most of which are gone now that I'm transitioning at 51.

My therapist sees lots of guys in our position; guys that are suddenly struggling with new feelings in their middle age. She says it's quite common.

You are not alone with this; there are lots of others in your same shoes and many of us are here on Susan's. Susan's is a great place to ask questions and seek support so don't be shy about reaching out for help with navigating these unknown waters.

You might want to read this paper written by Dr. Anne Vitale - you sound like a classic group 3 late onset transsexual.

http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm

Thank you so much for the replies!
Seems a therapist is the vote for next step. I knew that I guess.
It's just that, well...
To look someone in the eye and say,"I know this makes me kinda slow witted, but I just realized there was a mix up and someone gave me the wrong parts. Could you direct me to the service desk or maintenance department, I REALLY need to get this fixed."
It's gotta be done though.
Thanks again. Seriously not sure why I was afraid I would get a bad reception here, but am very glad that is not the case!

Therapy makes their money off of us half-wits.

No need to fear talking to a therapist. Do some research though, so you can start with someone sensitive to trans issues.

Talking to the first person makes all future discussions SO much easier.

Hi Michelle,

A big Aussie welcome to Susan's family. It's good of you to drop in and say "Hi". Hope you like it here, and you stay for a while.

There is a mountain of information, resources and friendship waiting for you here, you just need to jump in start talking and ask any question you like. You're quite safe here and we are very accepting.

In answer to the threads question; no!! You're not broken. But what has been broken is the stereotype that society has demanded from you over all these years. The real you is now the only thing left.

In answer to the other questions you've raised, to which Sephirah has so aptly detailed in her own inimitable wisdom.

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
So, after all of that, my question is;
How could I not have known?

One possibility apart from what Sephirah eluded to is that your hormones have been adequate not to trigger any clues. As age has upset this balance the loss of testosterone has altered your brain chemistry sufficient to unearth your proper identity.

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
How can I feel so comfortable sitting here in just a long night shirt and a pair of panties?

It's tired up with how you identify he real you. It's all to do with your brain gender. A female brain will identify and feel comfortable/safe in a feminine environment.

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
How can the last 5 days have been among the happiest of my life?

See above.

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
Am I defective because I didn't have a clue?

NO!!!! In fact you have been defective. Living a male existence with a female gendered brain. You are now no longer defective as you're taking appropriate steps to correct the matter.

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
Most importantly, where do I go from here?

Find a therapist who understands gender identity issues, and that you are comfortable with to trust. They will guide you through the labyrinth of thoughts feelings and emotions.

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 08:07:00 AM
I hope this is the right forum for this kinda thing, if not could someone direct me to the proper one?
If so could someone please help me? Honestly, as happy as I am, I am also scared half out of my mind.

You're in the right place at the right time. And you're right, this thing is scary. Being scared is healthy. It makes sure you are attentive and listen.

Looking forward to hearing more of your story in time to come, but in the meantime, be safe, well and happy.

Lotsa huggs
Catherine

You are fine. There is nothing wrong with you. My "bell rang" when I was 54. But at the same time I have known I was different since a young age. I cross dressed extensively from 9 to 14 and then less so afterwards. When one of my best friends kissed me back in high school (he later came out gay), I so wanted to be his girlfriend. I've snuck in cross dressing at various points.

Yet at the same time I joined the military and stayed for over eight years. I tried to volunteer for First US SFOD-D but medical issues blocked that. When I left the service, I became a "gun nut" and still own several firearms and am an NRA life member but have a more nuanced view of firearms and firearms violence these days. For the first several years after the military, my hobby was my work - programming. I excelled at it because I did it during the day then came home and did it for myself at night. Then I became one of those highly active athletic fathers, coaching youth soccer for both my sons and my daughter, which basically kept me from thinking about myself for another eight years. Then I fell into online gaming for many years now, again as a way to ignore myself.

And for much of that time, my dysphoria reared its head in non-obvious ways. I was unable to function sexually for long periods. My spouse new something was wrong from early in our marriage but never confronted me. Well, she knows now. I hated the kitchen, avoided anything except "guy" movies to an extreme, was always dour, had a horrid temper that my children and others feared. And I hated shopping, because shopping for men's clothes sometimes upset me as I walked past the women's clothing. But I never said that. My emotions were missing, except occasional rage. And I felt my life meant nothing and was pointless. I began to look forward to growing old and dying, and then that became plotting to make myself dead as my dysphoria finally went into overdrive starting in September 2010. In the summer of 2011, I contacted Lynn Conway, and thanked her for all she had done for so many. She thanked me and even acknowledged my existence and I then wished I could have been as brave as her. By February 2012, I was on the verge of doing it, an elaborate plan to ensure it all looked like an accident (with my Z-28 Camaro), but should ensure I was dead, dead, dead and nobody would ever know and that my spouse would get the insurance money.

It was then I broke down crying and realized that I wanted to live. I talked to one of my closest friends, a woman whom I've been even closer to than my spouse, at least as a friend, and told her about myself. That woman has stood beside me (in an emotional sense) every day since then, lifting me, encouraging me. With her encouragement, I found a therapist, who happened to end up being one of the more experienced gender identity therapists in my city. And coincidentally, I learned that the first man I contacted happens to be a "Christian" therapist who applies reparative therapy to people like us. Fate intervening when he didn't return my calls and I continued looking? Fate confirming when I got this bad feeling when he finally did call? Whatever, I am amazingly happy with the therapist I have had for the last 22 months. She and I get along well.

As for symptoms, may I suggest this article? "That was dysphoria?" 8 signs and symptoms of indirect gender dysphoria gives examples of how GID may render indirectly in someone's life. Perhaps this will help you relate to other issues in your life as well.

Dear, I'm 52 years old. I never dreamed I might be transgender until less than two years ago. Now I'm living full-time as a woman.

A LOT of people have trouble figuring out their gender identity. The media would have us believe that to be transgender means that you "always knew" but it's simply not true.

And this doesn't make me "slow-witted". I hold a master's degree in computer science.

You have all been so helpful, thank you. I cant say that enough! Not just in the advice or answers, perhaps not even primarily in the advice or answers, but in the acceptance. Also in giving me little parts of you, by saying you are not alone. Just the fact that some of you at my age or older came to the same crossroad I did is a weight lifted off my mind.

A couple things and more questions.

I almost feel as if I got off easy. So many struggled for so long and suffered so much that I wish I could find some way to go back in time and ease the burden. I only had one year of incomplete understanding of self and unease of brain/body compatibility. Not even an adolescent year, but a time where I am fully mature and able to come to decisions that I can accept for a lifetime. Not saying it was an easy year, but still, only a year.
I wish I could have saved my ex the pain, and that I could have came out of the year as financially stable as I entered it. Thinking on it every minute of the last five days,(well not every minute, but more on that in a second) I've come to realize it was the most valuable year of my life.
Still have to go through telling everyone though. That will be the toughest part.
The physical part doesn't bother me. Except for the fact that I look in the mirror and wonder how in the world can I make this look like anything other than a man. How does one go through the social typhoon of telling the family. They can understand gay, we have cousins who are, but this?  Side note: Is it weird that I no longer consider myself gay?
Also, does everyone get that BOOM! Or was it just me. That moment of clarity and knowing that there is no going back. Through the fears and tears, knowing this THIS WILL NOT CHANGE. There is no," I can do this or I can do that" Knowing that no matter what, this is THE path. I can walk down it, stumble my way through it or sacrifice myself on it, but I WILL take this path.
I have many more questions but that's enough for now And again, thank you!

Hopefully your new sister,
Michelle

Ditto to what Sephirah said below..
Welcome to the forum.. I can tell you that talking has helped me a great deal.. just getting your thoughts out there helps..
Therapy has really helped me a lot. I know its scary but also can be an amazing journey.. I look forward to my therapy sessions...so important to keep me grounded.
Take care
Carrie

Quote from: Sephirah on February 06, 2014, 08:26:26 AM
Awww, sweetie I know it's a very scary thing to talk about this for the first time. *big hug* But you don't have anything to be scared of here, okay? We only want the best for you, and to make you feel like you can talk about these things in a non-judgemental, supportive atmosphere.

You're among friends now.

As for your questions:

How could you not have known? Well, because you know when you know. That's the easiest way I can think of to explain it. People are all different, and some have a more extroverted outlook on their lives than others. They get absorbed in the day to day. The relationships. The work, rest and play, you know? Even if the subconscious has a nagging little voice somewhere way down deep, there are a lot of folks who aren't listening for the longest time, or have a myriad of other voices drowning it out. Heck, many folks even attribute it to other things and throw themselves into life even harder to distract themselves. Don't feel like there's some point in time you have to have been hit upside the head with the "Holy Slipper of Understanding" to make your experiences real and valid. Because that just ain't the case.

How can you feel comfortable wearing clothes that make you feel good and like you're more in touch with yourself? And how can the last few days have been happy ones? Well... sometimes, when we finally do take the time to sit down and listen to ourselves, really listen to the voice inside, it can make you feel... complete. Like you found something you didn't even know you were looking for, but that the something is one of the most valuable things you can ever have. A sense of self.

Are you defective because you didn't have a clue? Heck no! You're not defective period. You took some time to explore your feelings, the way you see yourself, and came to some answers you weren't expecting. That doesn't make you anything other than more self-aware than you were before, hon.

Where to go from here... I would suggest finding a qualified professional with training in gender issues. A therapist or equivalent. Someone you can talk to about how you feel, what your choices are, and spend some more time exploring yourself and your place in the world.

Oh, and maybe hang around here to share your experiences and feel part of a community whose aim is to make the whole thing just a little less scary. *hugs*

Quote from: Michelle69 on February 06, 2014, 12:07:33 PM
How does one go through the social typhoon of telling the family. They can understand gay, we have cousins who are, but this?  Side note: Is it weird that I no longer consider myself gay?
Also, does everyone get that BOOM! Or was it just me.

I told the family in an email. The text of the email read like this:

QuoteStarting this summer, I will be living as a female and going by a new, female name. My life has felt wrong for a very long time and I need to address the fact that I am transgender.

This is not a joke. (Isn't it sad that transgender people are so frequently the butt of jokes that we explicitly have to make sure people take us seriously?)

I ask my friends, family, and allies to use my new name. I am no longer A___ or A_____. I am Suzi or Susan, and ask that you use the pronouns "she" and "her" to refer to me.

I'm not ashamed or uncomfortable talking about this. You may ask me about my transgender, make comments about it, discuss it in serious or casual conversation (except the medical stuff, please). I don't mind.

I'm grateful for any tips, hints, or information I can get about how to live as a female.
Thanks for helping me through this challenging time.

Suzi

I relished the opportunity to educate people about the reality of transgender. I'm a teacher by trade and I'm frustrated at the amount of misinformation that's out there, so I take it upon myself to explain it to them. Others here hate doing that, and simply tell people they're trans and let everyone do his/her own research. How much you tolerate questions is up to you.

I'm the opposite to you. I've always been interested in women. It's actually been a more difficult adjustment being a lesbian than being a woman, if that makes sense. I'm used to being straight and being able to talk about my family situation without raising eyebrows. Now even giving a small amount of information exposes the fact that I'm queer. I think the social part of my transition would have been easier if I ended up straight (i.e. liking men).

So, yes, it's quite an adjustment that we find our sexual orientation changing from gay to straight or vice versa when we transition.

Michelle:  If you're broken so are most of us.   And I refuse to think anything like that because it's just not true. 

Being transgender covers so much that it doesn't matter what level or threshold non trans people think they need to impose on us.  I'm transsexual, changing my body, planning on surgery, and doing away with every physical aspect of the person I was.  But there's a lot of room between where you were last year, and where many of us are today.  All that space is filled with different layers of gender and gender expression, and for now you're in there someplace. 

If you've been reading these treads for a while, you know we're here to help comfort others, listen to the complaints, and maybe give some useful advice once in a while.  You've gotten quite a lot of advice already, so you can stop shaking, and sweating.  And don't shut down your computer and run because we don't bite.     So relax, ask questions, and get used to talking about yourself.  We all do it.

Hugs.

Quote from: LizMarie on February 06, 2014, 10:17:59 AM
You are fine. There is nothing wrong with you. My "bell rang" when I was 54. But at the same time I have known I was different since a young age. I cross dressed extensively from 9 to 14 and then less so afterwards. When one of my best friends kissed me back in high school (he later came out gay), I so wanted to be his girlfriend. I've snuck in cross dressing at various points.

Yet at the same time I joined the military and stayed for over eight years. I tried to volunteer for First US SFOD-D but medical issues blocked that. When I left the service, I became a "gun nut" and still own several firearms and am an NRA life member but have a more nuanced view of firearms and firearms violence these days. For the first several years after the military, my hobby was my work - programming. I excelled at it because I did it during the day then came home and did it for myself at night. Then I became one of those highly active athletic fathers, coaching youth soccer for both my sons and my daughter, which basically kept me from thinking about myself for another eight years. Then I fell into online gaming for many years now, again as a way to ignore myself.

And for much of that time, my dysphoria reared its head in non-obvious ways. I was unable to function sexually for long periods. My spouse new something was wrong from early in our marriage but never confronted me. Well, she knows now. I hated the kitchen, avoided anything except "guy" movies to an extreme, was always dour, had a horrid temper that my children and others feared. And I hated shopping, because shopping for men's clothes sometimes upset me as I walked past the women's clothing. But I never said that. My emotions were missing, except occasional rage. And I felt my life meant nothing and was pointless. I began to look forward to growing old and dying, and then that became plotting to make myself dead as my dysphoria finally went into overdrive starting in September 2010. In the summer of 2011, I contacted Lynn Conway, and thanked her for all she had done for so many. She thanked me and even acknowledged my existence and I then wished I could have been as brave as her. By February 2012, I was on the verge of doing it, an elaborate plan to ensure it all looked like an accident (with my Z-28 Camaro), but should ensure I was dead, dead, dead and nobody would ever know and that my spouse would get the insurance money.

It was then I broke down crying and realized that I wanted to live. I talked to one of my closest friends, a woman whom I've been even closer to than my spouse, at least as a friend, and told her about myself. That woman has stood beside me (in an emotional sense) every day since then, lifting me, encouraging me. With her encouragement, I found a therapist, who happened to end up being one of the more experienced gender identity therapists in my city. And coincidentally, I learned that the first man I contacted happens to be a "Christian" therapist who applies reparative therapy to people like us. Fate intervening when he didn't return my calls and I continued looking? Fate confirming when I got this bad feeling when he finally did call? Whatever, I am amazingly happy with the therapist I have had for the last 22 months. She and I get along well.

As for symptoms, may I suggest this article? "That was dysphoria?" 8 signs and symptoms of indirect gender dysphoria gives examples of how GID may render indirectly in someone's life. Perhaps this will help you relate to other issues in your life as well.

Wow, just, wow.  What a great post.  The article you linked to was also very interesting and enlightening. 

What really hit me was your avoidance of everything that could be construed as feminine.   I hated and resented cooking, cleaning, shopping and having to watch "chick flicks" or figure skating with my wife.   Every time I had to go somewhere in a suit, tie or tuxedo also made things really bad for me, and unlike what they said on the ads, I HATED the way I looked- guaranteed.  I would argue and fight with my wife every time she told me I had to dress up.  Now I know that these things were simply dysphoria triggers and THAT is why I avoided them.  It turns out I actually like all those things except for wearing gentlemens' attire.  I just couldn't face the truth about myself.  I forced myself to think I was nothing more than a hetero cisdude and that was that.  Period, end of story.  I like girls, I have a penis...  What's the effing problem?  Deny, drink, lather, rinse, repeat.

In my teens I had checked out emotionally to where I became frequently depressed, callous, bitter and angry.  The only things that kept me going were alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, junk food and music.  I was an empty shell, an automaton going through the motions of life with little or no aim or ambition.  When things started to unravel a couple of years ago, I was drinking insane amounts of hard liquor to help keep it all in check.  Sometimes I hoped I'd pass out once and for all.

I'm glad I was finally able to admit it to myself and later to the rest of the world.  Even if my marriage or other relationships didn't survive, I was going to. 

kinda throws the whole born gay mentality regarding trans people out the window.

but the whole late realization thing is crap in my opinion.

its like an allergy. it can develop. may be ingrained in the dna. but it develops nonetheless.

i think of latent trans as being more like a change in musical interests as you age. not everyone listens to the same music their whole lives.

though im sure there are people who will find that insulting. my impulse is to roll my eyes just thinking about the 'thats not how it works' stuff.

i believe it doesnt matter if you were born gay or trans. lesbian or a crossdresser.

if you identify with something it doesnt matter what age you 'realize'
ifyoure 40 and realize you want other men for sexual company after years of being happily straight. okay wtf ever. youre gay now who cares.


edit: having assumed i didnt make my point.

youre not broken youre just another person with changing interests like everyone else.

its not like a guarantee that if youd thought of it sooner youd have been trans sooner. its just something you found that youre more comfortable with.

run with it. thats life

and if this post was disjointed or confusing.whatever. be yourself and quit worrying. that was my point

Quote from: Everly on February 07, 2014, 02:50:10 AM
kinda throws the whole born gay mentality regarding trans people out the window.

but the whole late realization thing is crap in my opinion.

its like an allergy. it can develop. may be ingrained in the dna. but it develops nonetheless.

i think of latent trans as being more like a change in musical interests as you age. not everyone listens to the same music their whole lives.

though im sure there are people who will find that insulting. my impulse is to roll my eyes just thinking about the 'thats not how it works' stuff.

i believe it doesnt matter if you were born gay or trans. lesbian or a crossdresser.

if you identify with something it doesnt matter what age you 'realize'
ifyoure 40 and realize you want other men for sexual company after years of being happily straight. okay wtf ever. youre gay now who cares.


edit: having assumed i didnt make my point.

youre not broken youre just another person with changing interests like everyone else.

its not like a guarantee that if youd thought of it sooner youd have been trans sooner. its just something you found that youre more comfortable with.

run with it. thats life

and if this post was disjointed or confusing.whatever. be yourself and quit worrying. that was my point

Yeah, I'm good with it. More than good actually. Just really taken by surprise.
I always thought that what a person was or became was based on the conversations they had with themselves. Sometimes self has other plans and tells your conversations to take a hike.

I am not really convinced I'm into guys yet. Then again I don't have to be right now. I haven't had sex in almost a year and don't plan to now until the outside me more matches the inside. I've not done anything other the light flirting with a guy and that was tough. More because of social fears than desire. Also I can perform and enjoy being with a woman, just not that one thing. That I will have to work it out over the next couple years, as for now, I can just enjoy being me.

Michelle
Welcome to Susan's.  Please believe me that you are quite normal and extremely self aware.  As Kathyk says you may ultimately find yourself at any point on the gender continuum so don't jump to premature conclusions, do the work and enjoy the journey.  Find a great gender therapist and start what will likely prove to be the richest, most rewarding and highest growth phase of your life.
While our narratives do differ we are here to support and respect each other.  There is no other community like this.   Safe travels.
Aisla

Quote from: suzifrommd on February 06, 2014, 12:48:31 PM
I told the family in an email. The text of the email read like this:

I relished the opportunity to educate people about the reality of transgender. I'm a teacher by trade and I'm frustrated at the amount of misinformation that's out there, so I take it upon myself to explain it to them. Others here hate doing that, and simply tell people they're trans and let everyone do his/her own research. How much you tolerate questions is up to you.

I'm the opposite to you. I've always been interested in women. It's actually been a more difficult adjustment being a lesbian than being a woman, if that makes sense. I'm used to being straight and being able to talk about my family situation without raising eyebrows. Now even giving a small amount of information exposes the fact that I'm queer. I think the social part of my transition would have been easier if I ended up straight (i.e. liking men).

So, yes, it's quite an adjustment that we find our sexual orientation changing from gay to straight or vice versa when we transition.

I guess that makes me a lesbian for I've known I was trans since childhood, and I've always liked girls. And I don't see that changing even after my eventual SRS. To me this doesn't take much of a mental adjustment because I've always liked girls. -It's just normal for me.

No your definately not broken or defective. You've gotten some great advice already so I won't confuse it with more. Just know were a community here that supports you and you are among friends.

One of the most fundamental attributes of being human is to have a coherent story.  We want to make sense.

While you are "male', you try desperately to make everything fit a "male story".  Maybe you're just a perv.

But life doesn't work that way.

Eventually, you find that you cannot make any story that will consistently support a male identity.  And so you try out a new hypothesis:  "What if I'm really a female?"

Pretty scary stuff.

If you're like me, you try it very tentatively.  But over time, you find that it is the only narrative that makes any sense.

No, you aren't broken. 

You are just human.  And I'll bet that you are feeling human for the first time in your life.