Right now, I'm trying to start transitioning and I feel really alone in this. My depression and dysphoria are really bad right now.

My mom accepts me in a way but we really haven't talked about me being trans and she isn't helping me much. I have really no friends I can talk to about this. I've never been a popular person that has a lot of friends. I've only been in one relationship that only lasted a week and a half with someone I truly loved, and still do but she said some ignorant things about me being trans (for example: "you're not physically a boy, so you're still technically a girl" and "I don't know if I can be in a relationship long term with you until you are fully transitioned" ) and wants absolutely nothing to do with me now. I'm heartbroken by it because she meant the world to me and I don't know if I can move on.

Basically, I just feel really alone and needed to get it out. I don't know if I can continue to live life.

That sucks. If you don't continue to live life though, then you'll lose out on living as the man you are. You'll lose out on ever meeting people who like and accept you for who you are. You'll miss all sorts of things. What if your life would have gotten better, but you never find out because you are no longer around to experience it?
Sorry I'm probably not helping. I know online people are not the same as people in real life, but you can talk to us. Many of us often feel the same way.

I´m sorry to hear that you are going through a rough patch at the moment and I know what I'm about to say sounds way to cliché but it will get better. I know when things are dark things seem like they will stay that way and that there is no way things will get better, but like with everything that goes on in our life's, it passes. Good days and bad come at as like a wave. It's as they say, it can't rain all the time and after a down pour comes a rainbow.

And with the break up, it seems like it was on her end not yours and you can't beat yourself up over it. It's hard and hurts like a bi**s at times and you can't help but to wonder what you could have possibly have done to keep the relationship going, but in this case it was her decision you could not have changed. And you know what, it's a shame that she is going to be missing out on a great guy

I hope things will start to look up soon for you Mr Hockey, and I hope the down pour will soon ease up and you can see that rainbow

Thanks guys, it really means a lot.

I've had many suicidal thoughts and was even sent to the hospital for 6+ hours for attempting it once. I've been trying to put it in the back of my mind and try to live life. I just don't know if I'll be able to transition, my mom says she'll accept me but it doesn't seem like it. She told me yesterday that I can still be a girl and be a cute tomboy. She doesn't understand that I don't just want to be a tomboy. I don't like being a girl, I hate my body and I hate doing girly things. I get along better with guys and I think guys have better bodies than girls. Breasts and vaginas suck, yo.

As for the breakup, I'm trying to tell myself it was her fault we broke up and I know it deep inside me but I can't bring myself to accept it. When we were still talking, I would always blame everything on myself to just keep her with me. I know I can be a bit clingy but she was a huge B to me at times and I don't think she understands that. And other times, she was a sweetheart which I always try and remember her as. We had some great times together although it was an online relationship, as she lives in England and I live in the States. What really makes me sad is that she said she'd never forget me when we first started our relationship but when she ended our friendship altogether, she said she was going to forget about me. She also said she wanted a break from dating after we broke up, but then a week later hooks up with some ass who only cares about her body. Ugh, I'm sorry for going on about this, it just really hurts.

Breast and vaginas don't suck but thats besides the point.... Sometimes you have to be grateful for what you do have instead of focusing on what you don't have, My mom doesn't even believe that being trans exist but I have to man up and realize that no matter how hard it may hurt I can't make her accept me and I know she probally never will because of are families religious veiws, And If you never brought up how you feel to your mom maybe write her a letter and tell her how you feel through it, Not to be rude but I'm not the type of guy to just pat you on your back and tell everthing is gonna b alright because face it man we all struggle, No ones life is easy we can't just give up even though I have tried to or wanted t numerous times, Thats quitter talk men don't quit real men fight and stand up and has enough balls to be who they are no matter who has somethin negative to say about it.



And about your break up, Some things we go through are a learning lesson be grateful you have had a girlfriend because there are some guys who haven't like me. Not every relationship you get into is gonna work out but there is always better.


Keep your head up dude!

Quote from: Brandon on February 09, 2014, 06:23:25 PM
Breast and vaginas don't suck but thats besides the point.... Sometimes you have to be grateful for what you do have instead of focusing on what you don't have, My mom doesn't even believe that being trans exist but I have to man up and realize that no matter how hard it may hurt I can't make her accept me and I know she probally never will because of are families religious veiws, And If you never brought up how you feel to your mom maybe write her a letter and tell her how you feel through it, Not to be rude but I'm not the type of guy to just pat you on your back and tell everthing is gonna b alright because face it man we all struggle, No ones life is easy we can't just give up even though I have tried to or wanted t numerous times, Thats quitter talk men don't quit real men fight and stand up and has enough balls to be who they are no matter who has somethin negative to say about it.



And about your break up, Some things we go through are a learning lesson be grateful you have had a girlfriend because there are some guys who haven't like me. Not every relationship you get into is gonna work out but there is always better.


Keep your head up dude!

I know, I know but it's just hard. I don't like my body. I'd rather have a penis than a vagina and have pecs instead of breasts.

I came out to her through a letter last month and we talked a little bit about it. I'll give her credit for saying she's going to call the Pride Center in my area this week but I still feel alone.

I just really loved her, y'know. She was beautiful, funny, smart.. had the most amazing accent.. everything you want in a girl. I even planned to save up money to go to England to visit her. We still coulda been friends but she's just forgotten about me. She blocked me on Facebook, Skype and everything.

Thanks man, I'll try. It's just hard right now.

It may suck now but with her being across the water there is no chance of running into her when you don't want to.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 09, 2014, 06:40:03 PM
I know, I know but it's just hard. I don't like my body. I'd rather have a penis than a vagina and have pecs instead of breasts.

I came out to her through a letter last month and we talked a little bit about it. I'll give her credit for saying she's going to call the Pride Center in my area this week but I still feel alone.

I just really loved her, y'know. She was beautiful, funny, smart.. had the most amazing accent.. everything you want in a girl. I even planned to save up money to go to England to visit her. We still coulda been friends but she's just forgotten about me. She blocked me on Facebook, Skype and everything.

Thanks man, I'll try. It's just hard right now.

I'd rather have that to, But Thats all you can do man try yea it might look like its cloudy and rainy know but the storm will be over you just gotta keep pressing and realize that there is better out there for you!

I was in a place like yours not so long ago.  It feels like a lifetime ago now, but in reality it was only two years.  Just goes to show that time is a great healer for these sorts of things.  I was kept over night in hospital after a suicide attempt, and I broke up with my ex, who was also long distance.  I was a mess for a while, thinking that if I couldn't be enough to stay with them then I couldn't be the man that I am (or something like that, I can't remember the details of what was going on in my head).  You can pull through this too, and we're here to support you however we can.

Your ex having a problem with your body is her problem and nothing more.  She was likely saying hurtful stuff because she was ignorant, a lot of people just don't understand, or haven't had the exposure to trans people before.  Do not blame yourself for the way she treated you, because focussing on your body and making you take the blame for everything to stay together isn't healthy in a relationship.  It's a two way thing, particularly long distance.

Parents are hard.  It takes time for them to fully adjust to the idea of their "daughter" really being their son, and often can't understand why being a tomboy isn't enough.  That she's willing to talk to the Pride Center is a good step, it shows that she's not just brushing it under the carpet.  You've had your whole lifetime to come to this realisation, and to research stuff, and she's only had a month.  Educate her, and try to show her that this isn't just an extreme case of being a tomboy.  A lot of parents come around when they realise that their children are happier, and that's all that parents really want.

I know for certain that I'm glad I never did anything too drastic back then, and you will be too.  At the very least, think about whether you want to be remembered by your gravestone as your birthname, or by who you really are.  Give yourself a chance to live your life as yourself, not as a pretense of a girl.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 09, 2014, 05:39:33 PM
As for the breakup, I'm trying to tell myself it was her fault we broke up and I know it deep inside me but I can't bring myself to accept it. When we were still talking, I would always blame everything on myself to just keep her with me. I know I can be a bit clingy but she was a huge B to me at times and I don't think she understands that. And other times, she was a sweetheart which I always try and remember her as. We had some great times together although it was an online relationship, as she lives in England and I live in the States. What really makes me sad is that she said she'd never forget me when we first started our relationship but when she ended our friendship altogether, she said she was going to forget about me. She also said she wanted a break from dating after we broke up, but then a week later hooks up with some ass who only cares about her body. Ugh, I'm sorry for going on about this, it just really hurts.

I understand where you're coming from.  In fact, I have that same mentality when it comes to dating.  It's almost like I could have written this because when a realtionship fails, I usually blame myself and have that "my girlfriend can do no wrong, but I can" mentality, and that if the girlfriend leaves or stops talking to me it's because I did something wrong (even whn I tried to be the best partner I could be), otherwise, she wouldn't have left.  It's not neccessarily good to think like that, especially when the break up is on her end.  Dalex is right.  You can't beat yourself up over another person's decision.  I know nearly seems impossible to not do that, but for your own sanity, it is worth it.  Give yourself some time to grieve and cry if you need to, but after that, you really just need to move on with your life because she already has as it seems.  I'm not saying this to be mean, but I've been there in similar situations.  A couple of years ago, one ex of mine in particular (who knew I was trans, but we didn't talk about it) just stopped talking to me out of nowhere.  She blocked me on Facebook and Skype and wouldn't return my calls.  Come to find out she was seeing another guy and was gut-wrenching, but I just had to bite my lip and move on.  Find ways to distract yourself, perhaps with your favorite hobbies.

You said that you prefer pecs over breasts, well, use the money that you were planning to save to visit your ex in England and put it towards a top surgery fund instead.  Even if you are still a minor, I say work towards that goal.  That can help keep you distracted.

Quote from: Malachite on February 09, 2014, 07:18:43 PM
I understand where you're coming from.  In fact, I have that same mentality when it comes to dating.  It's almost like I could have written this because when a realtionship fails, I usually blame myself and have that "my girlfriend can do no wrong, but I can" mentality, and that if the girlfriend leaves or stops talking to me it's because I did something wrong (even whn I tried to be the best partner I could be), otherwise, she wouldn't have left.  It's not neccessarily good to think like that, especially when the break up is on her end.  Dalex is right.  You can't beat yourself up over another person's decision.  I know nearly seems impossible to not do that, but for your own sanity, it is worth it.  Give yourself some time to grieve and cry if you need to, but after that, you really just need to move on with your life because she already has as it seems.  I'm not saying this to be mean, but I've been there in similar situations.  A couple of years ago, one ex of mine in particular (who knew I was trans, but we didn't talk about it) just stopped talking to me out of nowhere.  She blocked me on Facebook and Skype and wouldn't return my calls.  Come to find out she was seeing another guy and was gut-wrenching, but I just had to bite my lip and move on.  Find ways to distract yourself, perhaps with your favorite hobbies.

You said that you prefer pecs over breasts, well, use the money that you were planning to save to visit your ex in England and put it towards a top surgery fund instead.  Even if you are still a minor, I say work towards that goal.  That can help keep you distracted.

Yeah, that's a good idea. I have $40 saved already, it would keep me distracted. As I've already said, I'm going to start working out in Spring so that'll help me as well.

Hopefully I'll find someone better.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 09, 2014, 07:23:39 PM
Yeah, that's a good idea. I have $40 saved already, it would keep me distracted. As I've already said, I'm going to start working out in Spring so that'll help me as well.

Hopefully I'll find someone better.

Fourty bucks is a nice start, and I think you will.  After all, you are young and athletic.  You speak your mind, and you have good hair. 

Quote from: Malachite on February 09, 2014, 07:31:34 PM
Fourty bucks is a nice start, and I think you will.  After all, you are young and athletic.  You speak your mind, and you had good hair. 

Thanks! I feel a lot better now.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 09, 2014, 07:34:08 PM
Thanks! I feel a lot better now.

No problem!  I saw where I accidently wrote "had" instead of "have"  so I edited it.  lol

I have always been alone. Most of the time I don't mind, but sometimes being alone plus being disgusted by my own body is just too much to bear.
At least you are on the right track right? Starting transition means that from now on you will have a better relationship at least with yourself, then gradually with others.

Parents need more time to digest. I found out I was trans at a young age and I refused to accept it, so I totally understood when my parents were not supportive when I first came out to them but eventually they were able to see me as their son.

Never let anyone define your life but you.many come and go and for many reasons.some only leave a bruise/bump and some leave deep scars but regardless of the damage,we still remain.I also only have this forum and even still rarely talk to anyone here.my family disowned me,I have no friends and currently homeless.I spent my entire life time around cold,heartless,dramatic people that are leechs but I pushed on and I remained.in the end we can have the world but lose our selves or we can lose the world and have our selves.knowing everything I been through to get here,I will only take my self-nothing else will do and in time,everything will fall in line but it takes strength and patience.low self esteem and confidence is what allows us to accept everything that's bad for us because we don't understand how much we are worth.you are who you are.it doesn't matter if your what,black,trans or cis,or anything else-who are we then when we accept those who don't accept us? You and anyone else in your place,need to know that you are a priceless treasure and that if people around you can not appreciate that then they are beggers.I also lost a woman I loved when she found out I was trans.I wasn't even worth a reason-she just disappeared and ignored me from that day on.I had no choice but to accept it.through the fire we are shaped,all impureities removed and our purpose achieved.which is to bring justice,protection and liberty.

I know it feels like you aren't going anywhere right now and you have no support. I felt the same way. When I came out and socially transition I actually gained a lot of friends and support. When you are being yourself people will be attracted to that, not in a romantic way but in a general friendship way. Also if you don't feel like you can live forever like this, ask yourself can you make it through today, or can you at least make it through the hour. You tend to be stronger than you think. I know I was, I never imagined I'd make it through high school and I lived day by day a while and I did make it. Hold on, and you can too. The best thing for my mental state was working out. If you can try it. Getting bigger and more manly looking feels great, plus it releases feel good hormones. At first I felt a little pathetic and weak. then I was getting so much stronger I felt amazing. I hope you feel better, keep us in the loop.

Thanks for all the replies guys, I feel much better.