Im starting to fall out of my *supposed* full time ego bubble, im really not, and its depressing me. I pass fine, i mean, i can see i do, others do. but i have this niggling worry, that ill get read instantlyif i go out, its so depressing. i mean, ive legally changed my name, and i use it, my voice is naturally female now, so no avoiding that, and i have obvious breasts and a female figure, but i CANT for the life of me  bring myself to wear obviously female clothes in public, it scares me to death, jeans and a hoodie yes, but its still scary as hell,i constantly worry whenever i go out, its depressing. is there ANY way i can recover some self confidence? its starting to wreck my life....

R

Quote from: Rachael on August 09, 2007, 06:55:31 PM
Im starting to fall out of my *supposed* full time ego bubble, im really not, and its depressing me. I pass fine, i mean, i can see i do, others do. but i have this niggling worry, that ill get read instantlyif i go out, its so depressing. i mean, ive legally changed my name, and i use it, my voice is naturally female now, so no avoiding that, and i have obvious breasts and a female figure, but i CANT for the life of me  bring myself to wear obviously female clothes in public, it scares me to death, jeans and a hoodie yes, but its still scary as hell,i constantly worry whenever i go out, its depressing. is there ANY way i can recover some self confidence? its starting to wreck my life....

R

The only way to go behond the fear is to do it! Can you go out with a friend (GG or male) so you will not feel so exposed and built your confidence?
Good luck
HLLL&R
Maebh

Racheal, while I don't doubt you pass.

You get a lot more notice and it is harder to pass if
you wear female clothes, the sexier, the harder it is to pull it off
unless you're both confident and look the part.

When your wearing a hoodie and jeans, you've always got a fallback position, but if your wearing a skirt and heels, with a tank top, well your totally exposed in more ways than one.

Guys and girls with will scrutinize you more, they'll judge how you dress more, they'll judge your body more, basicaly, you have to be confident and not care.

I'm at that point now, and since I'm 6 foot tall and wear 2 inchers all the time when the average height for females here is about 5 foot 3, I get a lot of notice!!! Some very positive, but I do get people who are not sure if I'm man or woman when they see me from towering from afar (not when they are close)

that much i know, im scared to remove my safety net as it were, i want to, dont get me wrong, but im worried, and TERRIFIED ill be stared at, and commented on. and i just hate myself too much to think i can do it

R

I think you should go slow. Don't even start with a skirt, go find more feminine tops with brighter colors, more life, and slowly move from there as you get more comfortable, I bet that within 6 months you'll be wearing whatever you want to wear without fear. I

Rachael,

What I suggest is to start with just a short outting. Dress in obviously female clothing, but nothing outrageous. Then plan a short outting. Like a trip to the gas station. Or a convenience store. Something that will limit your exposure. You will see how well you pass and build confidence. Next, try going to a movie. It's mostly dark, you can go to an early afternoon movie where there will be less people. Maybe pick a show that is not all that popular. One that won't have a lot of people.

These short trips will help you build confidence. It's like riding a bike. Once you do it, you won't remember what it's like to be afraid to do it. After the short trips, do some shopping trips. They can be a long as you choose. If you get uncomfortable, you can always just leave. Really it's just about gaining confidence. I think if you start small, you will feel perfectly normal in no time. I know it's scary, but trust me, your worst fears are not going to be realized. Trust yourself.

Love always,
Elizabeth

thing is, i dont need to work out if i can pass, there are people in my friend group at uni who dont know im trans, just female, i look female, even in ieans and a hoodie, but im too scared to loose that safety, and ambiguity in my head, its that i fear if i wear something obvious, ill instantly get picked out as trans.

R

How about slowly dressing up to the part by starting off with unisex shirts, then feminine tshirts, then blouses... etc., until your confidence builds up.

It was only a month ago that I went out as fem in daylight for the first time, and since then, I've been spending all my days off work living as female. I may get scrutinized a few times (mostly in grocery stores for some reason), but mostly, people are too busy with their own schedules to really make a fuss.

Its helps that I dress as most regular women: jeans, tshirts, comfy shoes.

If you can pass most of the time, the few times that someone does read you really isn't all that bothersome. You'll likely never see them again.

But I think it just boils down to "do I really care that other people read me." There are many women that would love to look and sound they way you do. Then there are those that get clocked the minute they leave home, and yet, they still brave the cruel world.

I figure, if they can do it, so can I.

Before that first time in daylight, I just stuck to driving around in the car. But one day, I said the hell with it and just did it. Now, it's so easy. And it's a lot cheaper to buy clothes from stores than ebay. And they fit!

Im with you Rachael. It is scary isnt it? Im probably at the same stage. Stuck wearing hoodies and jeans and afraid to take that next step. It feels sickening a bit doesnt it? You talk look and act like the girl you are and pass but there is a need to take that step further right!
I sometimes wish I wasnt a trans girl. But it is my fate and I have to except that.
Maybe its too early for you Rachael. Just take things one step at a time. Dont rush into it. Make a gradual change to an obviously more feminine style. Thats what Im doing.
It feels right for me to ignore the norms and be myself and take things slow. In fact as my tits grow I get more confident. And while it takes time for them to grow Im working on growing my hair out and fixing myself up like women do.
It took its toll on me pretending to be a guy. A lot of wounds need to be healed before I can be happy enough to be confident as who I really am. Then I can step out into the world and not give a crap what people think.

alright, i do have a prolem but i know i can pass, because i have, and i can. i am scared of being read. and thus not passing.
My hair is very female, its always female styled, i really cant NOT have it feminine, the way its cut. but yeah, im working on being more feminine, and expressing this. ive gone from baggyer jeans (which i do still wear) to tighter, more female cut jeans, that show off my figure, i have a shoulderbag all the time i use for my uni books and as a handbag (like most girls here). i guess i have a major case of minimal self worth and paranoia

R

'Ditto'

Did I hear you correctly?  you are afraid of being read?  Look young lady, people would have to be mentally insane to see you as other than female.  However, your fears are understandable, for we all go through the same thing...

Big from me. 

tink

Quote from: Rachael on August 09, 2007, 08:22:29 PM
alright, i do have a prolem but i know i can pass, because i have, and i can. i am scared of being read. and thus not passing.
My hair is very female, its always female styled, i really cant NOT have it feminine, the way its cut. but yeah, im working on being more feminine, and expressing this. ive gone from baggyer jeans (which i do still wear) to tighter, more female cut jeans, that show off my figure, i have a shoulderbag all the time i use for my uni books and as a handbag (like most girls here). i guess i have a major case of minimal self worth and paranoia

R

You guys see what I mean? It's always the better looking ones who are paranoid and not tending their garden on their newly purchased property in Bubbleworld. It's the unpassable who are given to delusions.
Rachael, you're in like the top 5th percentile of passable ladies on this forum. I wouldn't worry about it.

Hello Rachel,
   What you are feeling is natural and it's just going to have to be a case of jump in and carry yourself through.  I know it's not as easy as it sounds but it is like anything we try in our lives. I'm sure diving off a high tower for the 1st time would feel the same way. But once you do it 3 or 4 times your nerves relax. I'm at the same point as you even though I get ma'amed all the time while in slacks etc.. I went out for the first time last week in skirt and blouse. Some drunk offered to pump my gas (it was 2 AM or so) and his wife told him to leave the poor girl alone he's probably scaring her (meaning me) and she was only 5 or so feet away from me. But still diving into the second time was unnerving too, but it was a bit easier as I am sure my third time will be even a bit easier as well. So you see, just keep up your confidence and remember it takes time to settle the nerves completely.
                                                  Kim

Rachel,

I would put Confidence and lack of Paranoia up with the key things that go with a sucessful transition.

No matter how well you pass, your voice sounds, attracting undue attention is not what any of us want. This brings stress, undue pressure and you can in a second blow anyones perception of how they view you.

I went through a phase when anyone looked at me, smiled or nodded, I went into defensive mode,assuming I had been read, or people where inwardly laughing at me, that was never the case, just my own Paranoia.

You feel happy and secure in what is effectively androgynous clothes, but you cant spend the rest of your life wearing these, fine as a student, but venture out into the World of work and that is not what normal women will wear.

Only you can work through these problems. Admitting you have a problem is a big step and I know that you have not seen a Physchiatrist or had counselloring yet, this is an important point to discuss. It is like any fear, it can be overcome, but you have to find that deep inner strength to do so and take that leap of faith.

This is not about clothes, but about your perception of how you appear to others, thats what you need to work on, gaining the confidence that people do see a woman and losing the paranoia that they dont.

Buffy

(Who went through the same issues)

Thankyou for the kind words guys, i dont think i quite qualify as the top 5% of passable girls on here by a long stretch! but thankyou. Buffy is right, it really doesnt help that i dont have a therapist or phsych, because im waiting on the natiional health service to let me see one, which is going to be 5 years wait. (the gender clinic is half a hours walk from my house, the irony!) And as my parents threw me out, i have next to no money, so private is out of the question completely . I really need to work these issues out, i mean, when i finally pluck up the courage to do this properly, then ill be fine im sure, most things seem worse than they are. Although my inibility to get over my fear sometimes makes me feel like i might be wrong about all this, and plants seeds of doubt in my head, that maybe if i cant just go out and be happy, that maybe im not really how i feel? its scaring me to death >< because i couldnt ever go back to what i was.

R

Quoteit really doesnt help that i dont have a therapist or phsych, because im waiting on the natiional health service to let me see one, which is going to be 5 years wait. (the gender clinic is half a hours walk from my house, the irony!) And as my parents threw me out, i have next to no money, so private is out of the question completely Sad

Rachael,

I don't know how it is in the UK, however when I was seeing my therapist in USA for gender issues, I was uninsured. She offered a sliding scale for fee to make it possible for me to get therapy. Also, it can be considerably cheaper to see a licensed social worker or psychologist than a psychiatrist. Good luck finding someone.

Zythyra

theres only really russel reid whos private, and hes 200 a hour flat rate, which i simply cant afford. so im stuck

Quotetheres only really russel reid whos private, and hes 200 a hour flat rate, which i simply cant afford. so im stuck

Ouch, that's a lot of cash, whether it's pounds or dollars! Maybe you can see if he has a 15 minute rate 

zythyra

Rachael is there a TG support group that meets near you? That would help to break the isolation, also somebody else there might have been in a similar situation and found a sympatetic therapist? Might be worth the try?
Hang in there and good luck.

HLL&R

Maebh