First let me take care of my question. My wife and I were discussing my transsexualism more today and her main question was "Why now?" How come you are just figuring this now. So I have seen in other post that people had links to papers that explain this to significant others better than I can explain it to her. If any body knows of a good one please let me know.

This part of this is hard. Really hard!!! I mean, single people have it so much easier.

Weekends are bad for me now. Because I have to worry about my wife's feelings. I have to put her first. And my depression gets really bad. She does not understand. And although we got some things worked out. She still has not got a clue.

I told her. The only way we are going to get through this together is if she gets on a forum or finds some other support for significant others. I told her she needs to talk to someone besides me. I also told her she needs to talk to a therapist as well. On her own with out me there because if we are both there at the same time she will not say exactly what she feels if I am there.

I told her she needs to quit playing games on her phone and act like she cares as much as she says she cares and do some work if her own to get the facts about this. And while I am typing this, she is playing games.

Before our talk that I had to initiate today I was not having a good weekend. Remember I am pre hrt and only had one therapist appointment. She made me feel so insecure this weekend I ended up getting so pissed that I went full boy mode. And it was hard because I only have one pair of boxers left that I use for doctors appointments and to find my boysocks was hard. So now I sit here writing this looking like a 100% man. She has the nerve to say something about me being on my phone.

I am having my doubts. I know I m a woman I know what I should and want to do. She knows what I want and need to do to be happy. But she is just not understanding and sometimes it seems on purpose. The she will say she wants me to be happy and I should what ever it is I need to do. Then she will bounce back to she married a man. Back and forth is driving to the point where I just don't care any more. I will just stay a woman with a mans body and make her happy. Out on a total front. I am a great actor. And hold on to the only thing I have left. It is the one thing I have total control over.  Is I can end it anytime I want. Beingg disabled I have enough pills to end it peacefully. Once and for all. My life or death is the only thing I have full control over. Now  I do not want anybody to think I want to kill myself. Because that s the farthest thing from the truth. And I will not be back on this forum if that is the only thing you see in this post. So please do not waste your time telling me I don't need to think like that. Listen to me, I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF! I never have and never will. Anybody who says they have never thought about it is a liar. It just makes me a little happy having that option. And I have mentioned it to my therapist anyway.

We will see what happens when I see her again on Tuesday. But for now I am staying in full boy mode. Yes it hurts but right now it hurts more for my wife to be the way she is. Like I said. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I just started. God had so many chances to take me but he has not. He should have just left me I'm my coma. I would have been happier.

I'm one of those that never been married so all I see is the pain that both of you are experiencing. I truly know your pain because I've lived it all my life. I understand her pain because I've never had a marriage and I so much have wanted one my whole life. It's a terribly difficult position for both of you to be in. To be honest this is totally a unilateral move on your part and its going to take a lot of understanding on your part as you expect her to understand you. Again I've never dealt with this situation and never will. I think it's just going to take a lot of patience on both your parts to get through this . and therapy will definitely help

Norma, I so feel feel the pain both of you are going through. 

After all those years of pretending you want to let the woman out and get on with it. We all know that feeling, and when you feel that now, having finally accepted the inevitable and yet you still have to hold back it really must be hard.

But as Stephanie said, it's not something that your wife wanted.  After hearing that their husband is actually a woman, many will up and out and that will be the end of the marriage.  Yours is doing her best to accept it and move forward with it, but she will go through anger, denial (the games on the phone) and who knows what else before she can come around to full acceptance. That she's listening is a good start I think. 

Give her some time and keep talking and things may work themselves out.

No I think I'm pretty much done. We discussed it more and she did one thing I suggested. And went on the significant others part of this site. The only problem is she has a problem with selective reading. She said she read like 5 post and they all said the same thing. It never works out unless the SO of the mtf is bi or gay and she was in tears saying she's not bi or gay and trying to get her to talk caused another fight. So I am pretty sure I'm done. I can't hurt her any more. I think I'd rather suffer the rest of my life than let her suffer.

Ok let me see

She will not be suffering or hurting

You will be suffering and hurting

She will be happy

You will be unhappy

She sees you are unhappy now she is not happy

You are more unhappy now becasue she is not happy

How does a marriage survive?

You need to relax and keep going to therapy. She also needs to find someone to help her with her own feeling.

If a marriage is going to survive it takes 2 people to be happy with each other. Sometimes it is better to each do there own thing and go there own way.

Isabell

It does sound like your wife is torn between understanding and denial. It kind of sounds like you're both struggling to understand the other.

Yeah, I can't stand it when people spend their time on their phones. But she may be doing it to distract herself from your all's situation. I don't think you should call it DONE on anything yet. Give her time and space, and above all else show her compassion. It's hard when you're hurting, but it can pay you back plenty later.

Wish you two the best. 

Here is the "Why now?" for me:

I've known for my entire life that I wanted to be a girl rather than a boy. As a child I did girly things, dressed up in my (only slightly older) sister's clothes - she even was all for dressing me up at the time, although neither of us understood, got, or cared about the implications. However, my parents, other adults in my life, and even other kids basically shoehorned me into acting like a male and repressing my desire to be female.

Farther down the line, about 12 or 13 when I started to get the first signs of puberty, it reemerged. At ages 14-18 it intensified. At 19 I was going to transition - but I was too much of a chickens**t to go through with the whole interacting-with-other-humans aspect of transitioning and starting HRT. I wish I had started back then. At the same time though I'm glad I'm starting it now, because right now I have an -amazingly- supportive girlfriend.

For me, why I'm about to start HRT (got the all clear from therapist, just waiting for my endo appointment to arrive on Friday ), right now, having -just- turned 25, is for multiple reasons.

For one, I've noticed since I backed off from transitioning at 19 - pretty much every time I see a female, especially ones with very feminine features and good looks, I feel -raging- jealousy. It sucks, because I don't want to feel such negative emotions towards other people, especially over something they just were born as and had no control over. It's just a -daily- reminder (more like many-times-a-day-reminder) that I'm in the wrong body.

On top of that - I had a near death experience last April. My heart literally stopped beating twice and they had to shock me back to life.

This experience changed my life in so many ways. It even changed the way I perceive reality. Countless realizations happened, countless things were thought in my mind. I could write a million words and not convey what happened. Not to anyone. I feel like death is the most important moment in your life. I won't even go into how the experience went from my perspective, seeing as you'll probably all think I'm a nutter or something.

But one of the biggest things you realize when you are dying/dead (don't know how to classify it) - is this: Your biggest regrets in life. First thought in my head was "wow, I went out on this trip, and my girlfriend is literally driving to meet us here, and when she gets here she will find out I died." Nothing worse ever felt in my life.

The next thoughts were on all of my regrets in life. Want to guess what number one was?

It was the fact that I didn't transition. The fact that I didn't tackle the biggest problem in my life, yet I didn't even recognize it as the biggest problem in my life - that thing which my life must be revolved around solving before anything else. But dying/thinking I was dying/having my heart stop and me know it was about to - it clarified everything I -needed- to do in life.

All the wrongs I ever did anyone ever in my life PALED in comparison to the wrongs I did to myself. Even just that -one- wrong.

Now I don't care about any obstacles, for anything in life. Life is almost like how I once viewed my characters in video games. I'd do all sorts of stuff, basically whatever I wanted. If I messed up? Oh well, I'll fix it, I'm having fun and doing what I want. Now I apply the same thing to real life, because it's essentially the same thing as a video game. I'm not going to risk dying over something stupid, but of course, I'm also not going to risk living without actually living - doing exactly what I need to do in life to feel satisfaction when I really die.

This post has me literally in tears - there is so much I wish I could tell you, or anyone, but I know I -never- will be able to actually convey these things to anyone with words, and even if I could they wouldn't believe. I never talk about my near death experience to people, in fact this post is the most I've ever typed about it. It just frustrates me to have the most important moment in my life be the one thing I have no option but to keep to myself.