As some of you might know, I don't live at home anymore, although I do have to go back and visit them every so often. I'm going back there tomorrow, and don't know if I should tell them then.  I need to tell them soon, I need to get a name change, I can't deal with this anymore, and I'm hopefully getting a referral to a GIC already, so it needs to be done soon.

I don't want to spoil the short time they get to see me though with this news, or make the entire time I'm back awkward.  I don't know whether it would be wrong to do it over the phone when I get back, or write them a letter either though.  My dad works odd hours, and my mum can go for days without seeing him because of his shift work, so I don't want to send a letter, or phone when she won't see him and will be worrying about it on her own for ages.  I don't know what his shifts are as even he doesn't know until the day before sometimes.

I don't know what to do, and I've been putting it off too long anyway, as I'm already (hopefully) in the process of getting things sorted.  I'm terrified that they'll think that I'm not capable of living alone after I tell them this though, which is why I didn't want to tell them months ago when I was living with them.

Unfortunately this is the most important step in transition and something we all had to do. There will be no perfect time to do it, so just cowboy up and do it. Their reactions should not have any bearing on your happiness because it is your life and you have to be happy with how you live it. I built things up pretty good in my mind and their were problems initially, but time has brought some understanding and a begrudging respect of my decision. Don't judge the reaction before it happens which is something most of us did. I found some people accepted it that totally blew my mind. I would say after a couple of months I have about 85% acceptance by family and those who knew me before. Relax, take a deep breath and let it out. Then tell them and free yourself.

I forgot to mention that I did tell them two summers ago, but they ignored it for the most part except for at the doctors/shrinks.  My mother couldn't understand why I wasn't content with being a non-feminine woman, and my father wasn't surprised, but he was worried for my safety.  They both kept trying to push me to go to LGB groups, and as we don't communicate well as a family I ended up just telling them that I didn't have a problem with my sexuality, and refused to say anymore on the subject.  I actually seem to talk to them more now that I'm not living with them so maybe it'll be better this time around.

I had some of the same problems trying to figure out what and how to tell my parents. We don't communicate well and I'm not close with them for other reasons, so I put it off for a long time. I ended up telling them at dinner about 36 hours before I left from a long visit, and I think it worked all right. Telling both of them at once in person kept it from dragging out too much and the fact that I had gotten some things sorted meant I was able to lay things out in a very logistical way--I'm getting my name changed at this time, I'm seeing a doctor at this time, etc. Having everything together and presenting it as fact instead of possibility made it clearer that I was doing it as an adult and this wasn't going to change anything about my independence. It also helped that I had a clear exit time for leaving town already scheduled, so we didn't have to deal with awkwardness for days and they had some time to get used to the idea on their own before seeing me again.

Good luck no matter how you decide to do it. I hope it goes better this time around.

I think it's hard for any of us to tell you which way is better - in person this visit, a letter or a phone call.  You know them best, so it's really going to be your call.

Either way, I personally like the idea of a letter when folks don't get to see their parents very often - it gives them time to "hear" the news, absorb it, react to it on their own time without putting you on the spot - and then come to you when they're ready.  I don't know, I suppose it just seems like a good option.  But then again, others say face-to-face is best.  I still haven't told my family outright, but they pretty much know - so it's not like something I hide.