Quote from: Edge on February 11, 2014, 04:24:23 PM

I know, right? I'm over it. I know she was angry and hurt, but she hasn't let go of the entire grudge. Which is kind of a piss off because she was with a girl for three years who, imo, was worse than me - yelled, screamed, ordered her around, belittled her, and they're just BFFs. -_-

Quote from: Willow on February 11, 2014, 04:43:50 PM
There are four doctors in the area authorised to prescribe hormones. Three don't take my insurance. The one on campus is gatekeeping. Howard Brown doesn't take my insurance and their sliding scale is useless because I have a high family income. Maybe I should quickly transfer to UBE in Argentina.

Oh, I thought you meant there were others but you wanted to avoid them because of gatekeeping...well that blows. -_- If you haven't done it already, maybe talk to Howard Brown about the sliding scale issue? I mean, obviously they use family income as a starting point, but you could explain to a staff member on the phone that you're living on your own as a student and your family only pays certain expenses? It might be a bit of a long shot, but they may be willing to make an exception.

Actually, I thought of you earlier, I was playing Pokemon before dinner and as I was beating one Gym Leader's last Pokemon he said this:

"Willow is my middle name. Willow is flexible and not easily broken. I'm not giving up yet."

Quote from: Liam Erik on February 11, 2014, 05:44:11 PM
Another humiliating experience in anxiety crap.  People keep telling me if I just do it, it'll be easier next time, until it's not a problem anymore.  While I'm not saying that wouldn't work for my current issues, because the goals this time are healthy, harmless, and doable, 'next time will be easier' was also exactly the same theory I operated on for a long time in order to keep going back in my closeted days, when the humiliation mind game tango was sending me screaming to the nuthouse in the first place.  When you keep doing something that traumatizes you more every time, it doesn't get easier, it gets f***ing worse.

I'm sorry Liam My anxiety is exactly the same. With some (well, many, heh) things, no matter how many times I do them, they don't get easier. I don't really have much advice, I usually just keep doing them no matter how much it sucks because I'm scared to get stuck in my head over it. Why were you humiliated?

Quote from: Liam Erik on February 11, 2014, 05:44:11 PM
Another humiliating experience in anxiety crap.  People keep telling me if I just do it, it'll be easier next time, until it's not a problem anymore.  While I'm not saying that wouldn't work for my current issues, because the goals this time are healthy, harmless, and doable, 'next time will be easier' was also exactly the same theory I operated on for a long time in order to keep going back in my closeted days, when the humiliation mind game tango was sending me screaming to the nuthouse in the first place.  When you keep doing something that traumatizes you more every time, it doesn't get easier, it gets f***ing worse.

Wow I think I can relate. Is it social anxiety?

I'm crazy shy, and have been making enormous efforts to go out of my comfort zone since high school, because every one says just that: "it'll be easier next time."

Welp, I'm 28 now and it has gotten infinitely worse. Its to the point where a trip to the bar with some work buddies leaves me shut in my apartment questioning every word I said and every look I got for the next couple of weeks. Each embarrassing social interaction becomes a movie I replay in my mind over and over and over...

Your last sentence especially resonated with me. I don't have any advice or anything, just wanted to commiserate. Hang in there.

Quote from: birkin on February 11, 2014, 08:27:35 PMOh, I thought you meant there were others but you wanted to avoid them because of gatekeeping...well that blows. -_- If you haven't done it already, maybe talk to Howard Brown about the sliding scale issue? I mean, obviously they use family income as a starting point, but you could explain to a staff member on the phone that you're living on your own as a student and your family only pays certain expenses? It might be a bit of a long shot, but they may be willing to make an exception.

Actually, I thought of you earlier, I was playing Pokemon before dinner and as I was beating one Gym Leader's last Pokemon he said this:

"Willow is my middle name. Willow is flexible and not easily broken. I'm not giving up yet."

I'll try, but usually I don't like messing with established protocols. But since it's desperation time, I'm willing to sacrifice some moralistic values.

That was Gold/Silver/Crystal/HeartGold/SoulSilver, right?

Quote from: Willow on February 11, 2014, 09:07:21 PM
I'll try, but usually I don't like messing with established protocols. But since it's desperation time, I'm willing to sacrifice some moralistic values.

I understand, I'm the same, but in this case, you truly don't have your parents' financial support, at least on this. And I remember you saying that you can't even afford shaving cream or conditioner a while back. It's not like you're asking for a lower price just for the sake of paying less, you're asking because you otherwise couldn't afford to get the help you need.

Yes! It was SoulSilver I was playing.

I have a persitant dry cough.

Quote from: birkin on February 11, 2014, 09:54:24 PMI understand, I'm the same, but in this case, you truly don't have your parents' financial support, at least on this. And I remember you saying that you can't even afford shaving cream or conditioner a while back. It's not like you're asking for a lower price just for the sake of paying less, you're asking because you otherwise couldn't afford to get the help you need.

Yes! It was SoulSilver I was playing.

Dad sent me money to reimburse for the textbooks a while back. And then I was almost broke, and just got my tax check today. Dad has offered to help me with my surgeries though, that was really nice of him. I don't really want to overstep my bounds with him, he's already giving me a lot of money for school.

I bought it but never played much of it. I do remember that one though.

Quote from: birkin on February 11, 2014, 08:27:35 PM
I know, right? I'm over it. I know she was angry and hurt, but she hasn't let go of the entire grudge. Which is kind of a piss off because she was with a girl for three years who, imo, was worse than me - yelled, screamed, ordered her around, belittled her, and they're just BFFs. -_-

I've got to admit, I've still got a grudge against my ex (sorry, but I don't take kindly to abuse), but I don't spend time with him and we act friendly on the occasions we do have to interact.

Quote from: Liam Erik on February 11, 2014, 10:28:29 PM
The telephone is my old nemesis.

Mine too. I hate using it.

Quote from: Liam Erik on February 11, 2014, 05:44:11 PM
When you keep doing something that traumatizes you more every time, it doesn't get easier, it gets f***ing worse.

I know right? And then people are all confused as to why this traumatizing thing still has you traumatized. I mean, I can understand not wanting to let fear rule a person, but some understanding would be nice.

I can't seem to comment on Youtube and the one place online where there may be answers to this, I can't fully vie because I have IE 8 and though it's dated, I refuse to upgrade until have to.

Several beers and 2 bottles of red wine consumed and I still can't get to sleep......................................................

Quote from: megants on February 12, 2014, 06:43:33 AM
Several beers and 2 bottles of red wine consumed and I still can't get to sleep......................................................

Uh - done that! It's the sugar in the wine that's keeping you awake, then there is the diuretic effect and having to get up to pee several times during the night.

Could this site be any more obvious? I just had a mini panic attack cause I thought someone saw its name, which takes up half my screen every time I click something.

Should have taken that AA's advice to drop all my classes and get a refund. My attendance rate is less than 70%, and it's only going to get worse if my personal situation doesn't change.
And now it's too late to drop without losing your money, something my dad would be furious about.
I should call him later today and ask for help.

Quote from: Xhianil on February 12, 2014, 12:58:28 PM
Could this site be any more obvious? I just had a mini panic attack cause I thought someone saw its name, which takes up half my screen every time I click something.

Haha, I know right? that has totally happened to me so many times. I've taken to not opening it in public places, even if no one seems to be around, or on my phone or anything.

Quote from: Willow on February 12, 2014, 01:02:24 PM
Should have taken that AA's advice to drop all my classes and get a refund. My attendance rate is less than 70%, and it's only going to get worse if my personal situation doesn't change.
And now it's too late to drop without losing your money, something my dad would be furious about.
I should call him later today and ask for help.

Maybe ask your dad if there's a chance you could take a year off, if he'd still be willing to help fund your education. I'd emphasize the fact that while you really care about your education, you feel like there is so much going on right now, and taking a year off to get the ball rolling on your transition and any other goals would allow you to go back to university with less on your plate and more focus.

Little known fact about me, I dropped out of my first year of university and planned to never go back. I lost the cash (less in Canada than the US, but still), and my transcript has a whole year's worth of "Withdraws." I went back after not too long, with a new attitude towards my education, and the W's were always easily explained away. I was told when applying for my Master's that they don't hold one bad year against you, especially the first year, because many people have something like that on their record - as long as you show improvement and do (hopefully!) stellar in the last 2 years, very few people would ever hold a bad first year against you.

Quote from: birkin on February 12, 2014, 05:15:53 PMMaybe ask your dad if there's a chance you could take a year off, if he'd still be willing to help fund your education. I'd emphasize the fact that while you really care about your education, you feel like there is so much going on right now, and taking a year off to get the ball rolling on your transition and any other goals would allow you to go back to university with less on your plate and more focus.

Little known fact about me, I dropped out of my first year of university and planned to never go back. I lost the cash (less in Canada than the US, but still), and my transcript has a whole year's worth of "Withdraws." I went back after not too long, with a new attitude towards my education, and the W's were always easily explained away. I was told when applying for my Master's that they don't hold one bad year against you, especially the first year, because many people have something like that on their record - as long as you show improvement and do (hopefully!) stellar in the last 2 years, very few people would ever hold a bad first year against you.

I just don't know what to do in that year, just sit around and do nothing? That certainly won't be allowed. No, he wants me to be here and graduate in three years, which was already cutting it close in the first place (would have to take on average 14 credits per semester, and only earning 6 last semestre landed me with needing to average 16 per semester) and that leaves no time to take off.
And if I continue to do this badly, I'll fail this semestre too, meaning I'm kicked out of the university, making it extremely difficult to get into anything but a community college, and I don't want to insult what I should have with that. I can afford to be at a university, I have an IQ through the roof, there's absolutely no logical reason my grades should be suffering. I'm too proud of what I think I should have to be treated like the idiot I really am.

I don't even really want to be here. I want a career, but don't see myself able to put in the work. I'd prefer to live my own way, mostly by travelling.

I might be evicted.

Quote from: megants on February 12, 2014, 06:43:33 AM
Several beers and 2 bottles of red wine consumed and I still can't get to sleep......................................................

This should be in the 'what made you happy' section, but anyway I finally got to sleep and upon waking I didn't even have a hangover, maybe I'm still under the influence. .

I can't find my blue PS3 controller or one of my sister's food container.  This is going to become very problematic for me in the near future.

I got my haircut, but she shaved off my sideburns! I realize they were only a week or so in to growing, but now I can't help but wonder if she thought "omg this woman has facial hair, must remove." I mean, why else would she??

I don't know why this upset me so much. I guess I was already feeling hugely dysphoric, and then I had my sideburns removed as if they didn't belong.

Quote from: birkin on February 12, 2014, 08:18:01 PM
I got my haircut, but she shaved off my sideburns! I realize they were only a week or so in to growing, but now I can't help but wonder if she thought "omg this woman has facial hair, must remove." I mean, why else would she??

I don't know why this upset me so much. I guess I was already feeling hugely dysphoric, and then I had my sideburns removed as if they didn't belong.

Were you at a barber shop or a salon? Either way you have to be specific about what you want and don't want, not all of them are the brightest bulbs on the tree and they'll just assume rather than make the effort to ask.

It was a "salon", but it was just Great Clips...more men I know go there instead of the barber shop. I just didn't even think I'd have to say "yes, leave my facial hair please." I mean it's a haircut, not a shave, lol.