Today I almost died...

It had nothing to do with being trans. It had everything to do with being unable to find work, and now losing my house, and still being unable to find work. I've been terrified lately that I'll soon be homeless. And the weather ain't so nice up here in the northeast right now. And when grieving about this to a roommate, she said something like, "Well, you need to get a job."

AAAAAAHHH!!!! Like I ->-bleeped-<-in' know!!

In my head, I was like, "->-bleeped-<- this. I can't do this. I'm outta here."

I went downstairs to the basement and scribbled a note. Writing that note was probably the weirdest moment of my life. "Oh my God. I'm seriously about to die." I felt like I was going to throw up. It felt so creepy. Then I realized there was no way for me to.... do that down here. The implements I "needed" were upstairs. The "problem" was that my roommates were right there in the kitchen. You can't just waltz up and grab a... you know? You just can't do that.

After they left, I called a very close friend and told her what had just happened. I cried so much. She gave me a couple of phone numbers: a suicide hotline and a local crisis center. The local crisis center was closed due to the walloping series of blizzard's we're getting right now. The s. hotline was a national one, so they were open. I don't remember which one it was.

So I called. I was on hold for a few minutes to a wonky loop of royalty-free music, chosen to "inspire" the caller to live. It was horrible. Worse than Kenny G, Scott Stapp, and Geraldo Rivera sleeping in my bed.

Somebody took the call. These hotlines are supposed to be a place where you can talk to a soothing, empathetic person, right? I explained to him my housing and money situation. He gave me the number to a local rent assistance agency. Then I told him about the note I'd written and what almost happened. And do you know what he said? NOTHING! He was totally ->-bleeped-<-ing silent for five minutes. Then he said, "I have to go," and hung up.

->-bleeped-<- this guy. I hope he gets bludgeoned to death in front of his own mother. Well, not really, but it sounds funny. Look, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

My head hurts from crying. I'm sitting here at my computer, and that note is here on my desk. It's so weird. I hope I didn't actually do it and am now hallucinating being alive. I'm so afraid of where I'll end up. I don't know what to do.

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on February 14, 2014, 01:22:55 AM
Today I almost died...

It had nothing to do with being trans. It had everything to do with being unable to find work, and now losing my house, and still being unable to find work. I've been terrified lately that I'll soon be homeless. And the weather ain't so nice up here in the northeast right now. And when grieving about this to a roommate, she said something like, "Well, you need to get a job."

AAAAAAHHH!!!! Like I ->-bleeped-<-in' know!!

In my head, I was like, "<not allowed> this. I can't do this. I'm outta here."

I went downstairs to the basement and scribbled a note. Writing that note was probably the weirdest moment of my life. "Oh my God. I'm seriously about to die." I felt like I was going to throw up. It felt so creepy. Then I realized there was no way for me to.... do that down here. The implements I "needed" were upstairs. The "problem" was that my roommates were right there in the kitchen. You can't just waltz up and grab a... you know? You just can't do that.

After they left, I called a very close friend and told her what had just happened. I cried so much. She gave me a couple of phone numbers: a suicide hotline and a local crisis center. The local crisis center was closed due to the walloping series of blizzard's we're getting right now. The s. hotline was a national one, so they were open. I don't remember which one it was.

So I called. I was on hold for a few minutes to a wonky loop of royalty-free music, chosen to "inspire" the caller to live. It was horrible. Worse than Kenny G, Scott Stapp, and Geraldo Rivera sleeping in my bed.

Somebody took the call. These hotlines are supposed to be a place where you can talk to a soothing, empathetic person, right? I explained to him my housing and money situation. He gave me the number to a local rent assistance agency. Then I told him about the note I'd written and what almost happened. And do you know what he said? NOTHING! He was totally ->-bleeped-<-ing silent for five minutes. Then he said, "I have to go," and hung up.

<not allowed> this guy. I hope he gets bludgeoned to death in front of his own mother. Well, not really, but it sounds funny. Look, sometimes you have to laugh to keep from crying.

My head hurts from crying. I'm sitting here at my computer, and that note is here on my desk. It's so weird. I hope I didn't actually do it and am now hallucinating being alive. I'm so afraid of where I'll end up. I don't know what to do.

Kia Ora M,

Are you being evicted ?

Metta Zenda

No. My lease is up. My landlord is raising the rent, and I wouldn't be able to afford to stay here, even if the rent stayed the same.

What's Kia Ora M?

Kia Ora M,

Are you behind in your rent ? Have you got friends or family you can borrow some money from ? Or friends who can put you up for a while ? Perhaps offer to do odd jobs around the place for your keep ?

Don't give up on ringing the suicide hotlines, it's more than likely you struck a newbee inexperienced phone counsellor...However it does sound quite odd (for a phone counsellor) that the person would just hang up on you because you told him you were planning to take your life...

If you don't mind me asking,what does your note say ?

BTW "Kia Ora" is just a Maori (indigenous people of NZ "Aotearoa")  greeting like "May you be well"  "M" was just the first letter of your forum name....

Metta Zenda

Oh, how horrible.

I used to answer phones for a crisis hotline. 95%+ percent of calls had nothing to do with suicide. I could go for weeks before I got someone who was suicidal.

It may be that the guy you got on the line had never had a suicidal call before and freaked out. Please don't give up on finding help. You are a valuable person. Your life is worth fighting for.

I can only imagine how frustrated and terrified you must be. I can understand why now would be a time when it is hard to find the strength you need.

Please give yourself credit for dealing with holding up during some of the toughest times a human can face. You have within you the strength to keep going. You will find it if you look for it, I promise. There are a lot of callous people in the world. But there are also a lot with big hearts who have helping hands for those who need it. I don't know your area or the kind of resources, so all I can do is give you some ideas for when you need them:

* There are health agencies that will give low cost counseling based on ability to pay. A good counselor can really help. Certainly something to try before you give up.
* You could try contacting churches in your area. Some have outreaches for people in your situation.
* Some local governments have good programs that help people keep from becoming homeless. Others are useless, but it is worth a try.

The option to give up will always be there, but your life is more than worth trying other things before you do.

I do have a friend who is willing to let me stay at his place. Also, a friend of a friend just called, and I might be able to save my house. I don't know. He said he'd be able to put up my share of the rent for a while.

QuoteIf you don't mind me asking,what does your note say ?

It was an apology for having done what I tried to do, telling everybody how much I loved them, and how much they made me feel loved. How I was out of options and time, and assuring anybody and everybody it wasn't their fault.

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on February 14, 2014, 01:23:28 PM
I do have a friend who is willing to let me stay at his place. Also, a friend of a friend just called, and I might be able to save my house. I don't know. He said he'd be able to put up my share of the rent for a while.

Kia Ora M,

That's positive news, there are "always" options, not as final/dramatic than the one you had in mind...

Quote from: MugwortPsychonaut on February 14, 2014, 01:23:28 PM

It was an apology for having done what I tried to do, telling everybody how much I loved them, and how much they made me feel loved. How I was out of options and time, and assuring anybody and everybody it wasn't their fault.

It sounds like you have people who really care about you, as much as you do about them...Always try to keep this in mind...And remember nothing in life is really stagnant, situations/circumstances are always changing and that's what life's all about...So don't give up or in...

And don't give up on the helplines....

Metta Zenda

I will never call a hot line again. I had taken a bunch of pills. I got a phone call which gave me hope so I called a hotline. They literally told me to stop wasting their time.

Quote from: LordKAT on February 14, 2014, 07:40:33 PM
They literally told me to stop wasting their time.

Wow. That's screwed up. I would never rely on something like that because I pretty much have always held the opinion that those people didn't give a damn and it was just a job to them. There may be exceptions and I could be totally wrong about this but that is how I always saw those things.

I remember I had one VERY low point back in the Spring of 08 where I was ready to give up and kill myself. I went to the bank, got out some money, paid my bills (so my family wouldn't have to pay any of those debts once I was gone. That may sound weird but that is where my head was at that day.) I was going to buy as many sleeping pills as possible, buy some booze and that was going to be that. I got as far as paying the bills (which consisted of getting money orders, coming back home, making them out and then going back out to send them off). I remember standing at the bus stop and waiting for it to show up so I could stop off and buy what I needed to end it and I thought: "Maybe I have one last chance here." So, I went to one of my aunt's house and talked with her about what I was thinking and feeling. That helped me get through it and I kept going from that point on. But, the scary thing is...if no one had been home that day, I would be long dead by now and the worse part is that I would have never changed my name and I would have been buried under my birthname.

Ugh.

But there are so many other things, both large and small, that I would have missed out on had I went through with it. Looking back on it, I'm so glad that I didn't go through with it.

I am sorry things are tough.

I know jobs are tight and Philly has been clobbered all winter long.

I never called a hot line and just thought it would be staffed with caring people. What they did was horrible.

About 14 months ago I came close, 2 days in a row, and fate is the only reason I am here. Or so it would seam, after the second event I was scared  and sought out help. I did an intake with Elaine Dutton at Mazzoni and that one hour meeting changed the coarse of my life. I know when there seams to be no way out it is just because I am looking to close and need to step back, take a breath and reach out for help. Sometimes the help comes from within and sometimes from a loved one and sometimes from a stranger. Hugs.

Kia Ora,

When it comes to those who "volunteer" at a crises centre, they (being human) sadly are also prone to have "bad days" where everything they have learnt ie training=how to remain calm cool and collective, can go out the window...

The following quote is from a hotline crises centre re "volunteering"...

"Assess yourself. You need to have a strong heart and spirit to put yourself in the situations required of a crisis hotline volunteer. Things could happen on the phone that could be disastrous for you emotionally. Make sure your need to help others isn't an unhealthy need. If you have been through difficult issues yourself in life, be sure to have resolved them all satisfactorily or else you might find old wounds being reopened when learning about other people's ordeals. This role can be excellent if you are training to be a psychologist or a counselor, or if you need counseling type skills for a range of areas in your work life.
•   Develop your resilience if you haven't already done so.
•   Know how to gain control of your emotions.
•   Be compassionate.
•   Know how to communicate effectively. "



"Volunteering" ones time at a crises centre is no walk in the park for the volunteers, if one thinks outside the square and takes into account the crap they have to put up with, for example, at times verbal abuse from a complete stranger or the sound of a gun going off in the background and silence on the other end of the phone...

BTW I'm not condoning the actions of the phone counsellors who hung up on people in need( they no doubt have unresolved issues), I'm just looking at the whole picture,ie, behind the scene so to speak...

However, I feel it is unfair to tar all volunteer crises hotline helpers with the same brush...They are for the most part doing a good job, by giving up their time, and showing patience, empathy, and compassion...Or in a nutshell  "Saving Lives"....

Metta Zenda

I am very sorry about your experience, Mugwort.  I wish I had a name to call you.  It seems easier to make a connection.

I understand how you are feeling.  I have been down on myself enough lately to do a really stupid thing, just to stop the pain.  Self-hatred can be a powerful motivating force.

For whatever reason, I awakened to my name be shouted the next morning.  I was angry that I had failed again.  The anger stirred me out of the shock I in which I had put my body.  I had to face another day as me.   

For what it is worth, I had a couple of friends here give me advice without passing judgement.  So the struggle continues.  But within that struggle is a silver lining.  I did not close out the person I might someday become.

I'm not sure I know you or your situation well enough to be equally encouraging, but I think the world is a better place with you in it.

There are so many people here who I truly love, I think myself an ass for doing what I did.  It is not a solution, it is a cop-out that only hurts others.  I am giving someone I love a present tonight.  Glad that I did not miss the opportunity.

I'm sorry about the cruelty some people are encountering.

I've called a suicide hotline just once in my life, a couple years ago when I was getting overwhelmed with my daughter and her school situation and my housing situation and bills and all that. I did not tell the person I was trans (didn't say I wasn't, just didn't bring it up), but I did mention that I'm a guy who dates men. I mentioned that I'm rather sensitive and have gotten beat up by people close to me quite a few times. I feel like I was mostly honest. I talked about the tangly details of caring for a violent disabled person while also dealing with the hypervigilance and nightmares of ptsd. Of the frustration of separating the stress of everyday life from the heaviness that a trauma history overlays on everything. I rambled a lot, and the lady was nice and she listened and listened. I didn't really need advice, I just needed to talk to someone. I'm not sure if I was suicidal but I was desperate for things to get better, even a little.

The reason I didn't mention that I was trans was that my alabama area code got me routed to a not-large city in Tennessee, and I was afraid that the person answering the phone would not be able to empathize with a transgender person. Being gay was borderline enough that it probably helped her understand my isolation and frustration. I don't know that any words would have conveyed what it's like to get hit by one's own child every day.

This stuff is complicated. I probably don't have a right to swoop in here every few months and have a valid opinion, but I understand what it's like to feel backed into a corner or like somebody somewhere has to have an idea of how to go on.

I've not ever volunteered at a crisis center, but I've had a lot of friends (other psych majors) who did, and they were just people. Some of them very inexperienced people who may not have always been as kind or as accepting as they should have been.

I think with life being as hit-or-miss as it can be, you should consider being open to trying again with a crisis line. You might get a more helpful person in the future. It doesn't matter what age or experience they have if they are capable of hearing what you say and taking it at face value. When I called and got a nice person and talked about how awful so many things were, I felt vindicated and like a real person afterward. It made a perspective-changing difference for a long time and didn't cost anything.

Thank you so much, everybody. Just as I've been telling so many different people for so many different reasons, it means a lot. It's late, and I want to go to bed. But I also wanted to thank all of you first. I'll reply to everybody's specifics soon. But I will say to Cynthia, that I had an appointment scheduled today with Elaine Dutton. It was canceled due to the snow. Oh well. I still haven't met her.

To everyone else, I love you all. Have a good night and sweet dreams.
xo

Edit: That goes to Cynthia, too.