I am not talking about what society says it is feminine and masculine . In a way the society developed from us as early gregarious animals ,and the instincts and pleasures helped us in the surviving task , so many of this standards are true at the origins . I am questioning the instincts one have , including in his/her/their childhood . For example a girl brain would induce a child to be a little fearful , not going to far away from mom . Or a masculine brain would induce more competition / aggression even in play . These traits are often visible from childhood and could say something about how a person will be as an adult , including regarding ' gender '.
I guess I am doing that in my obsessive quest of understanding myself , my real gender , in finding my peace.
I know they are girls that wrestle or practice bodybuilding at top levels , for example , but I think these are the social standards , that a person assumed a gender because of their genitalia could do things typical for the binary-opposite gender and still belong to the original assumed gender. I want myself to be as feminine as possible , when I imagine myself in the future , i don't want to see the boy traits .Maybe that means to change myself , but I think that is ok , as what I am now is not the result of a happy scenario , but what I became after an tumultuous life . I just hope I will find out how , not in habits as I already have no interest anymore in old boy stuff , but in accepting myself , in forgetting how and who I though I was before .
I hate that looking back in my past I can see a lot of 'boy' activity , even that there were many factors involved in my awful childhood . I hate it now when involuntary I tend to get a body response to a truck , even that could be just a habit after so many years . I want to be just the girl , I feel inside the need to do that .
BTW , 4 more days until starting psychotherapy , so you will be fine , I won't bother you so much with my crazy mind