I am on HRT and Monday is my 1 year no hair cut anniversary. I have insurance (80% out of network and 90% in network) for all procedure less FFS. I want all the procedures and ffs. Here is the dilemma, my wife said if I do anything more we are through. 

I love my wife and she is holding on but we have a very stressed relationship. I am holding on but have GD (GID) as a constant enemy.

I have the following choices:
1) live in denial and hope I can take it,
2) go for it and take my chances,
3) I do not have a third option.

I was reading the post below this and I think I will lose my brother (no loss), and my sister and brother in law, Wife, Daughter and house. I think my job would be ok but who knows. If I get another job as a trans* female I would take a 50% pay cut.

Ok, advise or words of wisdoms would be greatly appreciated. I know, how much do you need one and how much do you want the other.

Hi ,

I have no 'words of wisdom ' , but I could tell you my opinion , and that is to go for it , do what you feel .
If your wife doesn't understand you ,it is her fault . After all , what would she say is you would ask her to live forever as a man ?
Maybe you could live in denial , and sometime you won't feel the dysphoria , but there will be times when you will regret that . I regret it now that I didn't followed the first signs , as soft as they was , and I lived some years in a meaningless life .

About loosing stuff , it is difficult . You don't have to really loose your daughter , depending on how old is she  , sooner or later she will understand what you are going thru . About house , I don't know what to say , it is a big deal , I am not married so I can't say what chances you have or what should you do in this matter.

I am about to loose  (although never really have it in the true meaning) my family : my parents , brother and maybe other relatives.

Anyway , my opinion is that you should go for it , and if your wife seems to become supportive , you could make a plan that suits the entire family . I mean for example delaying a bit some surgeries that are not paid by insurance , or something like that . But you should really live your life as you feel . 

Situations like this are never easy.

On one hand, GID isn't really something that you can just ignore in hope of suppressing to continue living your life as is. Even if you are successful in doing so in the short term, GID will always be lurking beneath the surface, waiting to rear it's ugly head. While the though of losing family and friends is no doubt terrifying, I am sure the thought of living as you have been all this time is scary, too?

When you imagine your future, who do you see yourself as and who do you imagine by your side? Do you think that you'll resent your family and friends if you dont transition for their sake?

Cynthia, I remember your very first post, over a year ago.  You were coming to terms with yourself, at age 50.

I could relate to what you said, because I have a wife of 30 years and four kids (all adults now, two moved away to begin their own lives).

I think I have done the best I could in that male role, even though I was ill-suited for it.  I have put myself away for 40 years.  I think it is time I begin to blossom.

Is it selfish?  Perhaps.  Am I taking it slow?  Yes, to give everyone who I love time to catch up.  After 40 years, a little more time is not going to matter.

It is important to keep your job and insurance.  It is important to keep open the lines of communication.  It is important to be your authentic self.  It may be that the dysphoria I feel, and the ways I cope, are not as severe as what you feel.  Your transition might be an imperative for you - your life might depend on it.

Whatever your decision, you have friends here who will support you - thick or thin.

You are between a rock and a hard place unfortunately.  I would try to talk more with the wife, maybe a compromise?  Has she been to therapy.? Maybe that's another option.  Also the biggest catalyst is how comfortable with the equipment you are.  GID can be bad, heck it can get very dangerous in fact and almost deadly, I know because it got that way with me twice, once when I started the transition process And the second when I decided on the surgery.  I would say the second coming was the most dangerous as I was fully ready to take the permanent solution route, I had it planned and all, I am so glad it all worked out and I am still here.  But for your situation I don't know what I'd do,  I have no kids, nor a wife who is threatening me with it being "through"  so Idk what I'd do in that situation.  Like I noted earlier it really comes down to the how comfortable are you with the equipment? , and one question I didn't ask. are you ready to be completely alone in life for the rest of your life? This question you really need to ponder if you say yes that your fine being alone and you mean it,  than you have your answer.   I hope this helps, but remember we are here for you and understand

In all honesty I can't really give too much marriage advice as my love life has been non existent.

That being said I can say that trying to go back to denial can still be costly. For me it was my job. I tried to avoid transition for a couple years but the dysphoria grew to the point where my productivity dropped to zero. My supervisor found out and the rest as they say is history.

For me it's like The Matrix. Once you take that proverbial red pill and start coming to terms with yourself, there is no going back.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 14, 2014, 10:31:36 PM

Ok, advise or words of wisdoms would be greatly appreciated. I know, how much do you need one and how much do you want the other.

Please take everything I say with a grain of salt, since I don't know you.

But I think a marriage is nothing without unconditional love, and someone who loves you unconditionally would not truly want you to live as someone you're not.

If you transition, you won't "lose" people. If they choose to distance themselves from you out of ignorance instead of educate themselves, they didn't love or care about you either, and you're not losing much.

I hope this helps. I know this is a wrenching decision and that you're being pulled in several directions. Can you give yourself credit for holding up under difficult circumstances.

Hmmm Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, or back in the closet? Not exactly choices to me. No where in the post is a clue as to what else besides HRT are you doing or tried, or talked about. Most important , IMHO, with transitional transition steps is the adjustment period for your spouse.

Over the past few years my wife and I have had our ups and downs. The one constant, as slow as it is, is her recognizing just how much happier and more human I am now. There is a marked difference in how I feel and behave depending on my presentation. (Something I am not all that proud of. Still more growing to do I guess) Her attitude has been changing from "I didn't marry a woman" to "I can't make any promises but..."

Of course, if you are presenting female all the time except for work, then the answer is simple; go for it. If you are at a transition or check out point, again a simple answer, there is nothing left to loose short of life itself.

I'm not married ,never have been and very unlikely to ever will be. so, that said this is such a deeply personal thing that only you can answer. what is worth losing and what is worth gaining. I never had any thing so I'm starting at the bottom any way.  I didn't accept totally being transgender until 4 months ago . I can go is laterally or vertically. It's hard, is this who you really are, can you only spend the rest of your time on this planet as you truly are or not. what is the most important thing for the rest of your life and how much does it matter how it affects others.

Thank you all for responding, Hugs

Claudia, I think slow is good and I definitely want my life.

Rainbow, I want to be the person in my dreams. I want a person who loves me completely next to me. I resent my wife already.

Jamie, I agree, "It is important to keep your job and insurance.  It is important to keep open the lines of communication.  It is important to be your authentic self". With my GD I have two options and #1 I think will not end well.

Calico, I really want GCS but would settle with an orci if I was able to keep the family together. I really hate my gonads, voice, beard and adam's apple. I would love to experience penetrative sex.

ErinM, I agree and I have taken the red pill.

Suzie, thanks, I just thought about the successes. I feel hurt because I believe my full transition would be embarrassing to her as her reason for not "allowing".

Joanne, thanks, steps with an adjusting period. I get the " I did not marry a woman" thing too.

Stephanie, thanks, the rest of my life and how much it matters how it affects others.


I think my wife does not want to be with a transsexual (due to loss of status) and If I hide she will "permit" HRT and long hair.  She is heterosexual and says she finds it difficult to be with me intimately. She has said she wants to get sick. 

Hello,

I am curious how much time do you spend presenting to the world as a woman?

You mentioned you are on HRT, what other steps have you taken? Could you feel good
splitting your time between genders? 

Elaina

You need to deal with your GD. If you're truly trans you need to transition, despite the threats from your wife. When I transitioned I learned the hard way who my friends and family are. If they are truly your's, they will stay and be supportive. If not, no loss. Sorry, but the truth is the truth. BTW, it was well worth losing everything to gain everything.

Thank you for the replies, hugs.


Elaine, I do not present in RL. I have been threatened with divorce if I wear female cloths at home. I wear a sports bra (need some support) and panties. I was shaving till NY eve when my wife gave me an ultimatum to stop shaving. I want to do a head hair restoration procedure and do face laser now. Also, I want to shave again (the hair really is not growing much though and what grown is super fine and light in color). I really do not understand the big deal with shaving, hair restoration and some laser on my face (I do not need it on my back or chest). I really am not flashy and all I want are some jeans, tops and a few shoes and jackets for now. Work and public I want to be really conservative and not an attention getter.

DRZoey, I know I need to move on this but it is difficult to look into a future with fear and unknown. I will need a leap of faith and I no longer have faith. The truth be said it is much like standing on a bridge looking below.

the only thing I can say is I lived with this my whole life and it never went away. You can try to bury it or do something about it . Its not going to go away.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 15, 2014, 02:44:30 PM
Thank you for the replies, hugs.


Elaine, I do not present in RL. I have been threatened with divorce if I were female cloths at home. I were a sports bra (need some support) and panties. I was shaving till NY eve when my wife gave me an ultimatum to stop shaving. I want to do a head hair restoration procedure and do face laser now. Also, I want to shave again (the hair really is not growing much though and what grown is super fine and light in color). I really do not understand the big deal with shaving, hair restoration and some laser on my face (I do not need it on my back or chest). I really am not flashy and all I want are some jeans, tops and a few shoes and jackets for now. Work and public I want to be really conservative and not an attention getter.

DRZoey, I know I need to move on this but it is difficult to look into a future with fear and unknown. I will need a leap of faith and I no longer have faith. The truth be said it is much like standing on a bridge looking below.

Perhaps it is because my wife knows all too well the realities us with GD deal with. Though she is not thrilled about all the little things I do to survive such as HRT, shaving, presenting around the house, even in RL when I can, it beats the alternative of coming home one day to find me "Hanging from a rafter in the garage". A true life tail we are privy to.

Has your wife ever been to therapy with you? Better yet, are you seeing a gender therapist, or even a T friendly one? Seems like it is needed.

My best therapy comes from my TG support group. Local for me was 90 miles away. They were instrumental in helping me turn my life around for the better

Cynthia
The only right answer is the one which you own.  It doesn't sound like your GD will go away, I don't know if low dose hrt will make life bearable, I don't know if your therapist is effective and I don't know if your wife will never change or just needs time.  A lot of what you are experiencing is very similar to that faced by many of us.  I still don't know my final answer or indeed whether I already know the answer but won't move forward as it easier for me to say that my wife will ask me to leave and I will lose my family (which I now regard as playing the victim or giving decision rights to my wife).
I don't know if this works for you but when I really am unclear as to the best decision or way forward I apply game theory.   I list out all of the alternative choices or decisions and their likely consequence.  Then I select the choice or decision which minimises the chance of the worst possible outcome.
This works for me when I am absolutely honest with myself.  This isn't always the case as I have sometimes sub consciously become a 'victim' and blamed others for my situation.  This was intellectually and spiritually dishonest and I had to call myself to account.
If this approach makes sense to you then remember the situation can change - your wife may sense less embarrassment or trauma as you understand yourself, she understands you, she strengthens and more values her relationship with you and perhaps realises that her first response is no longer her best response.  Fortunately while you can't make your wife change you can work on yourself and on your relationship.  This will help you make and own the best decision for you and this can be no decision, stay for a while, leave now, negotiate time, a trial or a compromise etc.
Hope this helps
Safe travels
Aisha

Quote from: DrZoey on February 15, 2014, 02:28:24 PM
You need to deal with your GD. If you're truly trans you need to transition, despite the threats from your wife. When I transitioned I learned the hard way who my friends and family are. If they are truly your's, they will stay and be supportive. If not, no loss. Sorry, but the truth is the truth. BTW, it was well worth losing everything to gain everything.

I have to go along with this advice. After just barely coming out of my last bout of depression I had only two choices: transition all the way or end it -permanently. So I chose transition, and therein I chose life as me, a strong Native American woman -not the pathetic boy who looks like a girl I used to be. I took my red pill 5 years ago and there's no looking back. Since then, yes I've lost a few people I thought were my friends -but thought being the key word, today I'm glad their out of my life. And the ones that stayed see how much more happy I am and are happy for me.

I have been Married, twice and have 3 beutiful daughters who only want my happiness. My 1st wife and I are still good friends. My 2nd wife is one of those people I'm glad is out of my life. I know this isn't the best advice, but as Zoey stated in her post: the truth is the truth. I now own my own home, a 21 foot boat, and my Ram 2500 all are paid for. I came back to Florida from up north with just $800. in 2004 after owning a 267 acre farm with two homes and 3 vehicles prior. I do know what it's like to start over. However, between 2004 up until 5 years ago when I bought my current home I was just existing very depressed until I made the decision to be me. I'm now 50 years old, on hrt on my way to SRS and very happy and excited about life. You have to do what makes you the most happy. If your wife loves you, truly loves you then she'll stick around and be happy to welcome the new you. I wish you the best of luck with your decision, but from your post it already sounds like you know what you need to do. You just need to come to terms with it.

Stephaniec, I know my GD will not go away and I need to get to a place where I can be happy about myself.

Joanne, my wife agreed to go to counseling with just me this week. I will review this with my gender therapist for suggestions. My therapist said my wife is welcome to a session as a guest but the session will be different than the usual.  I have been seeing a gender therapist for 13 months. I have had 3 sessions with my new therapist. She gives me home work (must be completed as part of the agreement) that is very constructive. My wife does not want me to go to group but I will definitely start this soon.

Aisla, I am on full dose HRT (AA, E and fin). I fully understand and that is the issue, my wife is putting all the cards on the table and drew a line in the sand.  . I think if I push slowly on the line it will move. Gaming theory, I use to obsess on all the variables and be in a state of constant analysis. I know what I want and the cost is high, no win win per say as it has been expressed to me.

Allyda. thanks, yes I need to come to terms. Is there really a choice? I use to think so but I really wonder that now. Perhaps the choice is to end fear and take a "all or nothing risk".

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 14, 2014, 10:31:36 PM
I am on HRT and Monday is my 1 year no hair cut anniversary. I have insurance (80% out of network and 90% in network) for all procedure less FFS. I want all the procedures and ffs. Here is the dilemma, my wife said if I do anything more we are through. 

I love my wife and she is holding on but we have a very stressed relationship. I am holding on but have GD (GID) as a constant enemy.

I have the following choices:
1) live in denial and hope I can take it,
2) go for it and take my chances,
3) I do not have a third option.

I was reading the post below this and I think I will lose my brother (no loss), and my sister and brother in law, Wife, Daughter and house. I think my job would be ok but who knows. If I get another job as a trans* female I would take a 50% pay cut.

Ok, advise or words of wisdoms would be greatly appreciated. I know, how much do you need one and how much do you want the other.

Eventually, if the need is strong, you will find yourself making that decision at a crossroad you don't want to make.  I have tried very hard to avoid it, but for me it was like trying to hold the entire ocean in my hands.  I am 50 and I feel the end is coming very very soon to my marriage.  My wife gave me a similar ultimatum.  I do not want to lose her, but I know I cannot stop the dam that is ready to break.  Hugs and best wishes for you...it is not an easy place OR choice.

BTW...I am 50, last haircut over a year ago, HRT over a year ago and electrolysis since last year. 

Cynthia and Jen
You are a little ahead of me.  I have bought time and still working on a number of issues including my wife.  I am telling more and more people and the reactions have been positive .. so far.  I promised my wife that I would not fully transition unless it really was the only alternative open to me and I also promised to tell her when I reached that conclusion.  I hope that doesn't mean that it would then be over for us but it may be.  All I can do is work on myself,  respect her, honour our relationship and find a way forward.  At this stage a creeping transition and redefinition of myself as gender queer seems to works best for me, and I hope for us.