Hello everyone, I hate that this has to be the first post any of you see me make, but I feel this is urgent and I really need some advice here. I'm a new MTF, just taking the first steps in my transition and still mostly in the closet about everything. However, I did share some of my feelings with my mother seeing as I live at home and she's currently paying my bills as I also lost my job recently. At first I thought she took it really well. She didn't criticize me or say anything mean, she just commented on how she thought I might be mistaken, but I simply let it be rather than try to fight about it. She's been tolerating the little changes I've been making here and there and making a slight non-hurtful comment every once and awhile, but the other night she walked in on me browsing this forum and got so scared that she tried to force me to open up to her about everything and sent me into a panic attack. We made up after a short while and things have been going back to the way they used to be, even though it is a bit harder to be around her right now. I thought everything was going to be fine and work itself out and maybe I'd even manage to gain myself her support, that is, until just a few minutes ago. As it turns out, she went behind my back to sign me up for a male only christian conference, complete with hotel room and roommate of her choosing. She's already paid for everything as well and I just don't know what to do. Help.....please help....

first off are you over 18 years old or 21 years old

I'm over 21, I was living on my own for awhile but had to move back in because of the job situation

Quote from: Vyx405 on February 16, 2014, 10:21:30 PM
I'm over 21, I was living on my own for awhile but had to move back in because of the job situation

she can't make you go to something like that and if was me I would just tell her straight out that kind of intervention is way out of line. If she wants to treat you as a son that's definitely the wrong way to go.

I'm really sorry that this is happening to you, especially since you thought your mother turned a corner in her acceptance of you. Do you think that she would respond poorly if you told her flat out that you don't feel comfortable attending such a conference? Or do you think she'd perhaps bargain with you: if you attend her conference, perhaps she'll go with you to a to a LGBT + family meeting or support group?

You probably are planning on doing this anyway, but I'd suggest trying really hard to get -any- job that will allow you to move out on your own.

Short of that, I'd definitely tell her what Stephanie said: intervention is way out of line and you won't do that bull.

However, I would make sure to approach the subject with tact, as she is currently supporting you and putting a roof over your head. You can't forget that. As long as she is doing that, it's probably best to have tact with her and try to tread as lightly as you can, but don't just surrender to her will. Try to be nice about it and try to really explain more about why you are the way you are, and that nothing she can do will change that. Make her realize this isn't something that's just going to go away, and that intervention style stuff is just going to be hurtful to you.

I'm going to be straight forward . This is a totally unacceptable intervention on her part. If she wants to pay for a gender therapist of your choosing that's a totally different story

she should try to get her money back , but if she can't just consider it a charitable contribution.

How did you find out she is trying to send you to some intervention camp?

Probably might have been a better plan to not press the issue while living with her. You can say you won't go and she can kick you out of her house. Better find another relative or friend to live with.

Or...

You can always stand up on your own two feet, get a job and do whatever the hell you feel like instead of being reliant on somebody else. But that's just my non-pc irritated bitchy opinion.

Go to the "camp" and be yourself. For a while my parents wanted me to see a therapist of their choosing, mind you that I am 30 years old and 100% independent so the only thing they can really do to me is be jerks and push me away if that's what they want or accept me for who I am and us all move forward in life. They can't force me to do a single thing and they now know it as I was able to overcome their once firm grasp over me. I told them that if they would pay for the therapist's cost's then I'd gladly go and see them but it will be on my terms and how I present will be of MY choosing. They didn't like the fact that I would go to the therapist presenting as the person that I am and eventually gave up on that notion although it would have been fun to converse with a new person and see how things would have gone.

You have a few choices to make and quick. Either live by her rules or work towards getting your independence back so you can transition on your own terms.

We had a camp like that when I was little parents sent their some too. I would say just have fun and play the part. It will be over fast. But if you want you can put up a fight. I wouldn't though

Thank you all so very much for your answers, sorry I didn't post back sooner. Honestly I've been avoiding this thread a little because I have a tendency to run away from my problems. >.<

I ended up telling her I didn't want to go today and she was pretty thoroughly upset. She said she could get her money back but really wanted me to go. I couldn't bring myself to explain to her the reason I didn't want to go, but after a few minutes of resisting she threw the pamphlet back onto my desk and left the room without a word. She did try to come back later and I know it's stupid but I really couldn't handle speaking with her so I kept my door locked and told her I just wanted to be alone. That's the last I've heard from her for the night but I'll post tomorrow's results here for those interested.

It's often difficult for parents to accept that their child is different, especially socially conservative / religious parents. It may help your mother to read this:

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PARENTS OF TRANSSEXUAL CHILDREN

https://www.susans.org/reference/gfam3.html

I'm sorry that you are in this position.  I've been through similar situations and know what this feels like. It's hard to transition while living with family and it can lead to more drama than you wish.  I really hope it will work out for you in the end. 

Sweetheart, I know it doesn't feel like it because she is misguided, but the thing is, she *is* trying. That's a lot more than a lot of us get.

What are those steps that people talk about, denial, something, something, blah blah blah. That's what she is doing. Work with her. Tell her you will go to a councillor and talk about your issues as a compromise. TBH that'f the first step for you anyway so it will help both of you.

Hugs!

I would think she would totally accept a compromise of therapy . I doubt she'll argue because she'll believe they'll cure you or help you. I do remind you though that you are an adult.

Just letting everyone know everything's alright now. I finally got around to speaking with her and while I couldn't bring myself to tell her the reason I was so upset was because it was an all male convention, I did tell her that her signing me up for it behind my back like that really hurt and she cancelled the reservations and got her money back. Thank you so very much for the advice everyone, and for those suggesting I ask her for therapy, I will eventually. Right now she has me signed up with a counselor of sorts who doesn't really know anything about transgender, but I like him and he might be able to recommend someone once I reach that point, so as for now, baby steps. =)