So unfortunately because I like to think about my problems until I come up with a solution or a reasonable compromise, I have reached the conclusion that if I don't transition I will forever be unhappy and will more than likely end up kill myself, or the alternative I wait for my degree while serving, out myself as Transgender, begin my transition and because I wasted so much time in a military that unknowingly hates me come up with unsatisfactory and irreversible results and again kill myself. The thing is this isn't a 'I can't deal with the pain of living so I'm going to end it' sort of suicide, It's more of a logical 'Why waste my time in this life, time to move onto the next' kind. I don't really WANT to kill myself because it would devastate my family and I KNOW my mother wont be able to handle it, but in the end she's the one who has more or less stolen the precious years of my life from me because when her son who never comes to her with problems finally has one that leads him crying into her room to explain he doesn't want to be a boy anymore, and she 'Just doesn't see it'. God I'm so angry over this I'm literally thinking about coming out tomorrow and getting that ticket home so the USAF can kick me out and I can get on with this meaningless existence and the inevitable pressing of the Skip-My-Life-Button. Jesus, what the hell do I do?

Hi Riven,

I know life can really suck some times.

Quote from: Riven on February 17, 2014, 05:23:21 AM
Jesus, what the hell do I do?

Quote from: Riven on February 17, 2014, 05:23:21 AM
I like to think about my problems until I come up with a solution.

Probably not what you wanted to hear right now. But you're right. You have the solution.

Getting a degree is not a waste of time, irrespective of who pays for it. All the better for you if Uncle Sam pays for it.

If you're intelligent enough to get a degree, you're intelligent enough to plan a transition that won't be unsatisfactory.

And yes. Some people that you expect to stand by you through thick and thin; don't. This is not a guarantee in life. The only person you can count on is; YOU.

What will be an enormous waste of your time and effort will be looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I believe you found your own solution. It's to get your degree ( it's going to pay for your transition) leave the military, transition and move on in your new life.

Hope to see you on this side of the fence. It's worth EVERYTHING you pay for to get here.

Huggs
Catherine

You will never be able to be the happy femail you need to be if you end yourself .You need to stop thinking about the now and start planning the future .As long as You can see an ending no matter how far into the Future You set it .you will have something to live for .So set Yourself some GOALS even if they are small ones at first .You can always expand your goals as and when YOU are ready .Make sure you plan to allow yourself time to be the person YOU know you are inside every now and then ,even 30 mins feeling better inside helps you carry on and continue to work towards your goals .That way even if you set your goals a few years away you know you have something to aim for

Love and Hugs

Anita Brown

Why not start taking testosterone blockers now? it'll help you a lot in the future.

The thing is, You have nothing to lose, so give transitioning a go, it can only get better from then on. Don't over-think this whole process, just get on with it.

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 17, 2014, 05:54:24 AM
Hi Riven,

I know life can really suck some times.

Probably not what you wanted to hear right now. But you're right. You have the solution.

Getting a degree is not a waste of time, irrespective of who pays for it. All the better for you if Uncle Sam pays for it.

If you're intelligent enough to get a degree, you're intelligent enough to plan a transition that won't be unsatisfactory.

And yes. Some people that you expect to stand by you through thick and thin; don't. This is not a guarantee in life. The only person you can count on is; YOU.

What will be an enormous waste of your time and effort will be looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I believe you found your own solution. It's to get your degree ( it's going to pay for your transition) leave the military, transition and move on in your new life.

Hope to see you on this side of the fence. It's worth EVERYTHING you pay for to get here.

Huggs
Catherine

You're right, that's not what I wanted to hear at all. If I make it through this deployment i'm going to hand my mother and my entire family the ultimatum, they can get behind me on this or stay the hell out of my way on it, I don't believe a parent has any right to turn their back on their child or for even one moment second guess their children when the child believes they have a serious problem. I love my mother, but the insult she has given me for all these years is very clear even if it was out of love, and her continuing denial of the problem is going to end our relationship. I have a very strong feeling that my next trip to Florida on leave to see my family will be my last one. Here's the way I see it, the way this country is I don't owe it a single tear, I'm not just ending this problem, I'm ending every problem I've had or ever will have before some one else hands me it. You're right I've created a fair plan but why should I be forced to delay my right as a human to pursue happiness because some dumb brass wearing monkey in a suit doesn't agree with it?

Quote from: anita.brown on February 17, 2014, 06:03:42 AM
You will never be able to be the happy femail you need to be if you end yourself .You need to stop thinking about the now and start planning the future .As long as You can see an ending no matter how far into the Future You set it .you will have something to live for .So set Yourself some GOALS even if they are small ones at first .You can always expand your goals as and when YOU are ready .Make sure you plan to allow yourself time to be the person YOU know you are inside every now and then ,even 30 mins feeling better inside helps you carry on and continue to work towards your goals .That way even if you set your goals a few years away you know you have something to aim for

Love and Hugs

Anita Brown

Quote from: crowcrow223 on February 17, 2014, 06:21:53 AM
Why not start taking testosterone blockers now? it'll help you a lot in the future.

The thing is, You have nothing to lose, so give transitioning a go, it can only get better from then on. Don't over-think this whole process, just get on with it.

My life is owned by the military unless they don't think i'm worth anything to them anymore. What meaningful goals can I set while I'm in the military that are small enough for the military to not notice? We're randomly drug tested and taking anything not prescribed to me by a military doctor is against the UCMJ. I don't want to wait years for testosterone to literally destroy my body, also I'm deployed so just dressing like I feel I should is impossible with my complete lack of privacy, and I'll tell you, it's tough because the Koreans make some really cute stuff. Like I said earlier, the USAF isn't making this easy for me and I'd rather make a martyr of myself than smile while i'm getting screwed.

You really need to talk to a professional in the USAF. I did a couple times while I was in. They are for the most part a good bunch of people. It really can't hurt at this point and could really help a lot.

Quote from: robin s on February 17, 2014, 07:46:32 AM
You really need to talk to a professional in the USAF. I did a couple times while I was in. They are for the most part a good bunch of people. It really can't hurt at this point and could really help a lot.

Riven, I think Robin's on to something. Talk to someone in the military and see if you can find help. And if they throw you out? Find whatever job you can in the civilian sector, start your transition, and Go to college anyway! Just get student loans and grants and go for it.

Quote from: robin s on February 17, 2014, 07:46:32 AM
You really need to talk to a professional in the USAF. I did a couple times while I was in. They are for the most part a good bunch of people. It really can't hurt at this point and could really help a lot.

Quote from: Amy The Bookworm on February 17, 2014, 07:51:24 AM
Riven, I think Robin's on to something. Talk to someone in the military and see if you can find help. And if they throw you out? Find whatever job you can in the civilian sector, start your transition, and Go to college anyway! Just get student loans and grants and go for it.

I'm pretty sure there isn't anybody on this peninsula for me to speak to about my problem. I agree though, it's a solid idea. If I make it back alive, I'll make a point to speak to my supervision to stop deploying me every 6 months so I can regularly enjoy therapy.

There is always someone. Military chaplains are , I believe, also trained a bit in counseling. I have also talked to them and I am wiccan. they are great people.

, also I'm deployed so just dressing like I feel I should is impossible with my complete lack of privacy,

Difficult as it is I managed to have time to Dress whilst I was in the British ARMY the trick is to get involved with some activity that gives you time alone in a secluded location .My stratagy was to do a course as camp Projectionist so had a cinema to myself and a store that I could keep my girl clothes in .It was the only way i got through my military service .I believe that the US army do allow you more leasure time than We ever got in the British army .So look out for your opertunities they are out there

Anita Brown

Hi Riven. I hate to hear you're having such a hard time. You are right, the military pretty much owns you until your contracted time is up. It is a bitch I know, four years in the Army myself. No alone time or very little of it, can't do the little things like having long hair or hairless legs to make yourself somewhat more comfortable in your own skin, because someone will always notice. Constant inspections blow. So you really can't hide anything such as clothing, makeup, wig and jewelry.

I don't know how much time you have left in but use it to get your degree or other things. Look to transitioning as something to look forward to down the road. If it is too hard then definitely find someone to talk to or try to get out early. Even though it may seem like a good idea and a form of escape, ending your own life is never a solution. If there is nothing after this life, like someone else said, you'll never become the woman you want to be. There are ways to get out without a Dishonorable Discharge. Just hang in there.

(I KNOW IT'S LONG BUT PLEASE READ) I just got back from my deployment three days ago, I feel like I am kind of in your same situation. I have three years left in the Air Force, so if I transition when I get out I will be 27 years old and that is too old for me. I do know that I am unhappy in the Air Force and I know what I have to do. I generally thought that getting out of the Air Force early was the wrong thing to do because of the college benefits.. If I come out to do mental health as transgender I will lose my G.I. Bill, that is what was holding me back... But you know what, I can take out student loans to go to college. Tons of people do it, it's an investment in yourself. If your college leads to a good job (pick a realistic career) then boom you'll be able to pay it off faster. They are all low interest and you don't have to pay while you go to school, only after you graduate. If that is all that is holding you back then just consider it. Free college paid by uncle sam is not worth a rapid decline in my mental health, and having to wait three whole years to start hormones and transition. Dont let the airforce hold you back from happiness. Oh yeah, and save every f***ing penny you have to make regaining employment easier. PM me if you want to talk.
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Ps: after my wife gets the okay to change duty stations I'm going to go to mental health and terminate my contract. (USAF gives you general/admin discharge)  Ill lose GI bill but I'll still have va benefits so cheap hormones and free therapy!!

Edited for profanity.

You asked what to do?

There are several themes in you post.
Anger of you Mom, Anger of the USAF, helplessness, being trapped and no way out. The major issue is untreated Gender dysphoria and not doing anything.

I have dealt and deal with suicidal thoughts. The reason I get suicidal was and is the above ( I a not in the military).

A few questions. Do you think your GD will go away, get worse or stay the same. Can you live 4 years as you are?

Get help from a gender therapist. If you have to leave the military you have an option. Transition and be yourself.

Why not come out as transgender and get kicked out of the Air Force? Then you'll get to transition. That's a much, much, MUCH better option than dying. Out of the Air Force? Start your transition? That sounds like a win-win scenario to me!

I was USAF for a short while. I went in as a purging attempt (in hindsight). It was a bad idea and ultimately I started feeling suicidal and BAS'd out middle of BMT. It hardly compares to what you're going through, but it does get better. Start by talking to a chaplain or even a psychiatrist in mental health. They can't share what you tell them, and are an excellent support.  If you do leave or receive a discharge, It's not the end of the world. I promise even if you don't get the degree.

After coming home I quickly found a job. While I'm not out at work yet & probably won't be until i can't hide my physical changes any longer, being in a comfortable environment (being at home, in public, etc.) where I can be me has changed everything. There really is hope.

Wow, thanks for the support everybody. A lot of this is helping, really. I want to leave so badly and get it over with, I'm just scared of the uncertainty surrounding my financial future which will definitely be more rocky if I do jump ship so to speak. I want to wait until I at least have my associates which is only a few more classes, but most importantly I want my mother who is my best friend to back me on it.  I don't believe it will just go away. I've known I wasn't happy as a boy for a very long time but it took until I was about 14 to finally put it into coherent thoughts in my head. Precious years wasted because I didn't understand what I was going through. I'm just so tired.. I'm tired of lying to everybody who loves me, crying because its the only thing I can do that makes sense when im trapped in m own body. Part of my knows suicide is a disgusting and horrifying thought, but living unhappily jailed in my own body is even worse in my mind. The last time I spoke to a chaplain about this she had zero information to offer me. I don't know how many chaplains are versed in this considering their proffesion doesn't allow it.

Testosterone blockers like spironolactone don't come up on drug tests - trust me, I was drug tested at work and I was clean.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I am not from US so I can't suggest an alternative education path but the lovely ladies who posted in here seem to have had a lot of experience so good luck!

Quote from: crowcrow223 on February 18, 2014, 02:44:30 AM
Testosterone blockers like spironolactone don't come up on drug tests - trust me, I was drug tested at work and I was clean.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! I am not from US so I can't suggest an alternative education path but the lovely ladies who posted in here seem to have had a lot of experience so good luck!

And how does someone come across this? Can I just pick it off the shelf?

No, it's not OTC. There are different types of drug tests; I wouldn't risk it if there's any chance of it showing up whatsoever. Being court martialed for wrongful drug use is no small thing. Also, spiro's anti-androgenic properties aren't it's main function, it's for mainly proscribed for individuals with high blood pressure. If you take it, your blood pressure will most likely drop a bit. You may also get lightheaded or dizzy when active (especially when you are first getting use to it).

If you have higher than normal blood pressure you may try seeing if you can get a prescription. You could also try getting a prescription for finasteride for Male Pattern Baldness. It might be worth a shot.

Hang in there!

I don't think any of that applies to me honestly. I wonder if I spoke to an understanding therapist if they could possibly prescribe me what I needed. It's risky but necessary.