I was just talking to my ex-girlfriend, and I was about two seconds away from coming out to her (I had written it, I just needed to press enter) and she says "You are *such* a sweet girl" out of the blue and I just feel like she kicked me in the gut.

I just... We were friends, really good close friends, for years before our short stint dating, and I really felt like if anyone had any clue about this before I told them, it would be her. I never hid that I bound my chest the entire time we were dating, and I even told her that I had some gender issues that I was working out. I hadn't accepted my gender-identity myself back then, but I was open about having some doubts. She was just as open about absolutely not being into guys. That was a couple of years ago, and we've only just gotten back to being good friends again.

She knows, has known for years, that I hate being referred to in that kind of language.  I know I'm overreacting to this, she doesn't know why I hate that language, not really, but she knows darn well that I do hate it. I literally said 'No, no I'm not, I'm a guy, don't call me that' out loud at my computer screen.

Part of me just wants to log back in and just come out already, tell her exactly why I have self-esteem issues, and issues about sex and relationships. Honestly she is the only friend I've ever had that stuck around this long and now I am terrified that she is going to drop me like a hot potato the second she finds out I'm absolutely not that 'sweet girl' she apparently still sees me as.
I just... I know I'm overreacting.

Yea... I'd just come out to her.  At this point I think you may just feel better, and if you're going to be friends again at all she'll find out eventually.

I bet she didn't even realize what she was saying.  It may be hard to conceive, but sometimes those people who are/were really close to us at one point do forget some things like you hating to be called a girl.  Its not because they love you any less, but (just as with any information) as new comes in old gets pushed out.  If you're not using it you may very well lose it.  I'm not saying she forgot the whole thing by any means.  I bet its hard to forget someone binding and the like, but as for its severity she may have a somewhat warped memory. 

If anything you may even have warped memories of how big a deal you made of it back then.  (Not saying you did.  I obviously would have no way of knowing your situation AT ALL, but sometimes when we're hardcore going through things we think we say more about it than we did because we were always thinking about it... sometimes it happens the other way around too =p ah the mind... what a fickle thing it is. )

I'm sorry Alex    That sounds brutal. I don't think you're overreacting at all. Getting misgendered is one thing- getting misgendered by someone who means something to you when you've explained how that language hurts you is another. Keep your head up, bro.

In terms of coming out- If you really need support right now and you feel like you're ready, I would do it. It sounds like you were ready prior to her remark. If she's a real friend she'll stay and won't drop you. And, seeing as you've already told her about gender issues, it might not be much of a surprise. Of course it's entirely up to- whatever you choose. Good luck

I hope all goes well.
It kinda bugs me sometimes...
I feel like some cis-female lesbian friends sometimes think their story is the same as yours sometimes, and like, want to influence you to not transition or anything.

I had a couple friends who told me I should appreciate what I have, I'm a pretty woman, a woman's body is the most amazing gift to receive, and that women are better in general, the first time I came out. I'm not friends with them really anymore.
They just couldn't seem to grasp that my gender identity was NOT attached to my sexual preferences.

I guess it just rubs me the wrong way that she was willing to say something like that to you even when she knows your story. But I have trust issues for real.

Quote from: Elijahwaits on February 18, 2014, 09:30:15 AM

I feel like some cis-female lesbian friends sometimes think their story is the same as yours sometimes, and like, want to influence you to not transition or anything.

I had a couple friends who told me I should appreciate what I have, I'm a pretty woman, a woman's body is the most amazing gift to receive,

Yeah. I completely agree and I can def relate to this.

if she's a good friend of yours she probably didn't realize that she was making you uncomfortable. girls say 'you're so sweet' for tiniest things all the time, and hopefully she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. if i were you, i'd reply her saying, 'hey there's something i wanted to tell you. well, i finally cleared up my gender issues and discovered what i really am. and i don't mean to be rude, but i'm no longer a 'sweet girl'.' then continue with the coming out explanation. i don't really know. that might work with my friends but i don't know how your friend would react to such a reply. for better or worse i'm recommending not delaying your coming out for that little msg. good luck! hope things turn out well!

Quote from: YBtheOutlaw on February 18, 2014, 02:07:28 PM
if she's a good friend of yours she probably didn't realize that she was making you uncomfortable. girls say 'you're so sweet' for tiniest things all the time, and hopefully she didn't mean to hurt your feelings. if i were you, i'd reply her saying, 'hey there's something i wanted to tell you. well, i finally cleared up my gender issues and discovered what i really am. and i don't mean to be rude, but i'm no longer a 'sweet girl'.' then continue with the coming out explanation. i don't really know. that might work with my friends but i don't know how your friend would react to such a reply. for better or worse i'm recommending not delaying your coming out for that little msg. good luck! hope things turn out well!

I like that idea.

I'm talking to her right now, and she keeps steering the conversation over on us having sex and completely ignoring that I am trying to have a serious conversation. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to rekindle our relationship, which makes me very uncomfortable given her very strong identification as gay. I tried very hard to be the woman that she needed when we were together, but that didn't work at all.

It wasn't the 'sweet' comment, I happen to agree that I can be a sweet guy, it was the unnecessary addition of a gendered pronoun, and more that it is a diminutive, given that I am nearing 30. Then again, my pride has always been my greatest weakness.

Quote from: AlexW on February 18, 2014, 05:00:16 PM
I'm talking to her right now, and she keeps steering the conversation over on us having sex and completely ignoring that I am trying to have a serious conversation. Sometimes I feel like she is trying to rekindle our relationship, which makes me very uncomfortable given her very strong identification as gay. I tried very hard to be the woman that she needed when we were together, but that didn't work at all.

It wasn't the 'sweet' comment, I happen to agree that I can be a sweet guy, it was the unnecessary addition of a gendered pronoun, and more that it is a diminutive, given that I am nearing 30. Then again, my pride has always been my greatest weakness.

It does sound like she's trying to rekindle something, or perhaps that she misses you or what you once had together.  You need to be true to yourself, and she needs to be true to herself.  Keep in mind, though, that there are women who identify as capital "L" Lesbians that end up falling in love with transguys. Identities are very personal things that often encompass much more than who you are attracted to...on the other hand, she might need a woman, but if she's a true friend then she'll accept you for who you are.  Sometimes people (especially cisgender people) need to be told exactly what you need in terms of gender terms/reinforcement.  One of my best friends needed frequent reminding on proper pronouns when I first came out to her, and she's non-gender-conforming herself!

I hope your conversation with her went ok.

Right, so after a long and anxiety filled conversation, which included the phrases "there are many ways to be a girl" and "you have fantastic breasts it's a shame to hide them" I finally had a panic attack got through to her.

The eventual reaction was "Oh, that makes two of my exes" and a generally supportive attitude. (What are the odds, though? I mean, I knew she had a very defined type, but still...) I'm hoping that this means that I don't have to explain everything.

I'm...pleased? relieved? It's the first time I've told someone who knows my family as well as just me, which is mildly terrifying.

good luck