so you have a bad case of dysphoria. you've had it since you were a kid ,You've reached out in your life for help ,but you were always put back on the male track. You know you can keep going as is because you know that this is your unique shot at life. you also know you'll always be aware of a certain subconscious pull on your mind. You know that to transition will solve this dragging you down feeling that's constantly with you. You also know that even with the best outcome of HRT and FS you'll be able to get away with nobody realizing right a way that your trans but the longer you mingle with the same faces they will probably guess. do you think more happiness could be achieved living freely as your true self, but with that awareness that people know your trans or more happiness with the same amount of angst with dysphoria but. never a question from others of your gender. sorry for the question I'm just searching my soul for solutions.

Stephanie since going Full Time I am the happiest I have ever been. Of course, I don't care about people and their opinions or if I pass or not. I am really, really happy all the time now down deep into my heart and soul. I wish I had done this years ago. I know I have a lot more friends now because I am not a depressed downer all the time anymore. Living as the real me has been a wonderful blessing. I am finally a whole, well rounded HUMAN being now. It feels for the first time I don't have to be guilty or shameful looking and shopping in the wrong store departments anymore. I truly belong in the ladies sections now. It is so liberating to stop and look instead of passing all the beautiful things I was told was wrong to look at.

Proud to be trans

I dont mind people knowing but im sure i ll try stealth mode sometime just for fun

I've been wandering this same road a lot myself lately.

As you say, at the end of the day, what does it matter?   I don't know... with lots of time and energy spent on surgeries and hormones some very gifted doctors may be able to shape this flesh into what I think I should see, but inside I will still be me. 

So, I think I will advocate for those with more courage than me who take that step to change. 
Jessica, and the people who follow and become, you are my heroes. 




Your subject like reminded me of this quote from Les Miserables.

At the end of the day you're another day older,
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor.
It's a struggle, it's a war,
And there's nothing that anyone's giving.
One more day, standing about, what is it for?
One day less to be living.

Quote from: JustEmily on February 18, 2014, 11:34:32 PM
Jessica, and the people who follow and become, you are my heroes. 

Thanks Emily! After all the tragedy I have seen in my career I just hope to inspire people not to give up their dreams or waste life's gift. Everyone deserves to be who they are with no judgments or classifications. At the start of my career I planned and planned for the future and worried if I was doing what I was "supposed to". After 28 years of Emergency Service I now know life can be stopped in milliseconds so don't waste one of them being repressed or assimilated. Live free or be enslaved. Easy choice for me....Live!

I had 28 years of people who didn't think tragedy would happen to them. It can folks

Quote from: stephaniec on February 18, 2014, 10:16:26 PM
do you think more happiness could be achieved living freely as your true self, but with that awareness that people know your trans or more happiness with the same amount of angst with dysphoria but.

Two answers.

1. Do not judge ahead of time how passable you'll be. I never dreamed I'd pass to anyone, as the months of people staring my way seemed to indicate. The difference between non-passing and passing turned out to be just a few tweaks (and months of HRT).

2. I know many non-passable women who are thrilled with their transitions. They are among the happiest women I know. It's often easier that way - you're not wondering whether you've been read. I don't know many pre-transition trans women who are happy at all.

I hope this helps, Stephanie. You deserve to be happy.

Quote from: suzifrommd on February 19, 2014, 05:38:16 AM
I don't know many pre-transition trans women who are happy at all.

Not transitioned myself yet, but I'm happy that I'm on the beginning of the path. It's the light at the end of the tunnel

Quote from: JustEmily on February 18, 2014, 11:34:32 PM
I've been wandering this same road a lot myself lately.

As you say, at the end of the day, what does it matter?   I don't know... with lots of time and energy spent on surgeries and hormones some very gifted doctors may be able to shape this flesh into what I think I should see, but inside I will still be me. 

So, I think I will advocate for those with more courage than me who take that step to change. 
Jessica, and the people who follow and become, you are my heroes. 




Your subject like reminded me of this quote from Les Miserables.

At the end of the day you're another day older,
And that's all you can say for the life of the poor.
It's a struggle, it's a war,
And there's nothing that anyone's giving.
One more day, standing about, what is it for?
One day less to be living.

good quote , I liked that movie a lot

I've been wrestling with that same question for years now. Still no clear answer. So much of my life, my identity, my joy is intricately tied into my male life which my implode if I transition.

However there is one insight I can share which may help you. Transitioning was the furthest thing on my mind when I took on the trans beast 5 years ago. Been there, tried that, back in my 20's... twice. Decided for sure it wasn't in the cards for me this lifetime. Suddenly one day that attitude changed.

Why? Simple. I realized I lost about all the shame and much of the guilt over being trans. In fact one day around that same time even felt empowered saying to my therapist "I am a transsexual". WHereas in the past it was always halting, low, shamefully said.

It was that day life started to get totally complicated. Gone were my standard excuses for "Why?" Worse news came when I lost my biggest excuse for Why not.

Nowadays I try to tred water the best I can while I sort out if the chance for feeling complete, real, genuine, joy, is worth the potential losses in my galaxy and especially the many other things in my life that bring me joy.

A good question.  In fact it is one of the major questions that occupies my mind and incessantly seeks an answer.  However like most things in my life the answer is not binary and it has changed over time as I learned to travel and to evolve into the person that I aspire to become.

For me starting therapy was step 1; step 2 was starting low dose hrt; step 3 was ffs and hair removal.  Along the way I experienced and dealt with/integrated cross dressing and fears of being a fetishist or somehow deviant from the norm; explored, accepted and integrated the sense that I was transgender and that this may or may not lead me to being ts; shared this realisation with my immediate family, selected friends and colleagues.   Being totally honest this was not a smooth or indeed a fast or linear process.  I stopped, I reversed, I slowed and I accelerated but finally came to understand that the best way for me to authentically express myself in this and in every future moment of my life was to write and own my narrative.  It is a journey in which I have chosen direction, assistance, learning and insight.  The only answers that have worked for me have been the conscious and informed decisions that I make on a daily basis.

At this point I am where I feel that I should be. I am tg. I am gender queer and it feels absolutely the right place for me to be.  I have changed, I am transitioning but do not feel compelled to define an end point or final expression or state.  All I can say is that I am not the person who set out nor am I yet the person who will be.  I accept that I may wish to travel further but I feel blessed to be me and to have found peace at this point in my journey.  I can honestly say that I have never felt happier or richer.

Safe travels

Aisla