Hi everyone. I'm new here. 38yo, 12 years post-op MTF. I began a new relationship recently and notice myself engaging in irrational behavior every time I start one, so I wanted to compare experiences with people. Also, one important thing is that he knows I'm trans so coming out isn't the issue.

Basically, I tend to look for every cue I can find that he's detaching or running away. And I know that it's irrational but I can't help it. I just counted and he e-mailed me five times today, but when I wrote him to say "I feel lucky to have found you" and he wrote back "That's a lovely thing to say" without saying he feels like he's lucky to have found me too, my brain starts shifting into paranoia high gear and start thinking that he's detaching. And I can't talk to him about it because I'm afraid he'll think I'm nuts, which it seems I kinda am.

I blame the numerous times that men have expressed interest in me only to run away when they found out I'm trans. Or men who've only slept with me once for the experience and never talked to me again. Does something similar happen to other people when they start new relationships? How do you cope? Have you figured out strategies that help?

Actually, I realize that just objectively accounting for how responsive he is has calmed me down a bit.

I've developed some similar issues myself, although all but my current GF was previous to me being out as trans (I initially came out to my current GF). However all my past relationships have caused me to have lots of trust issues and worries that the other person will want to leave me, like what you were describing. All of my previous girlfriends ended up cheating on me at some point, or just leaving me for someone else and dropping me like a live grenade. i.e. chucking me out of their life, full force.

All I can say is that if you get paranoid thoughts about him, try to just not think them. From what you've described, it seems like you have nothing to worry about. If he were really trying to detach from you, I doubt he'd have emailed you 5 times today. Plus he did respond nicely to what you said to him. I've learned it's best to ride it out and let them, over time, prove that they are genuinely interested in you and wanting to stick around. If he wants to leave you, he'll leave you, and there isn't much to be done about it, really.

When you start thinking bad thoughts, focus on all the good things. Like how responsive he's been - and the fact he's still responsive.

I really sympathize with previous bad relationships messing you up in future ones. I never have and never would do the things that have been done to me, but they've made it so I have a hard time trusting anyone. Get burned enough and you have a hard time playing with fire again.

Thanks for the kind words Ath. He's away this weekend so I'm being needy. He just e-mailed to make plans for next week so it's totally just paranoia. But it frustrates me that knowing my thoughts are irrational still doesn't make them go away. Gah.

This might be a therapist issue. It can be hard to trust when you have been hurt before.

Yes, totally true. Definitely something to talk about in therapy.

Are you on HRT yet? I had these very same issue's before and now they are completely gone along with paranoia, depression and Post Traumatic Stress events.

Oh yes. Sorry to say I'm 12 years post-op and still dealing with these issues. People say I have a "striking" look so I get asked out a reasonable amount, which is a good problem to have except the more men there are who want to date you, the more of them run away when they find out you're trans. It's a tricky psychological issue.

I understand completely now. Is that really you in your avatar? Yes, I see striking, gorgeous and beautiful all applying.

Hi mandonlym,

LordKAT. Made a valid point which you acknowledged. However there is another matter that is gaining some airing, but needs a lot more work done on it as far as the post community are concerned. The point I'm making is this instant is in reference to being Trans.

There is a common belief that once surgery is complete you are no longer Trans. You are simply an XY woman, who for all intents and purpose has had a hysterectomy. Adopting this attitude does have an affect on your perception of who you now are. Not what you were, when suffering GID. Something along the lines of those that have recovered from major illness such as cancer etc.

Where the waters get muddied is when the past enters the equation. This becomes the very personal matter of how it's dealt with.

Where cohesion is bringing this whole issue together is the research currently being carried out out on brain gender. Very recent studies have revealed some striking truths about male and female brains when studied under rMRI conditions. There is striking evidence to the fact an extremely high percentage of the MtF community were actually born more female than male and visa versa for FtM.  So if you were to perceive yourself more from the aspect of being born female with some birth defects, changes the ball game substantially. Much in the way other birth defects are rectified.

For whatever it's worth, it may be a point of discussion with your therapist.

Congratulations and the best of luck to both of you. I hope he turns out to be a keeper.

Huggs
Catherine

Quote from: Catherine Sarah on February 22, 2014, 11:35:35 AM
Hi mandonlym,

There is a common belief that once surgery is complete you are no longer Trans. You are simply an XY woman, who for all intents and purpose has had a hysterectomy. Adopting this attitude does have an affect on your perception of who you now are. Not what you were, when suffering GID. Something along the lines of those that have recovered from major illness such as cancer etc.

Yes, that does shift my perspective. Thanks for the insight, Catherine. The bf works in mental health so he's far more advanced and emotionally intelligent than me when it comes to these things. He's really the first person who's told me "I love your body" in a way that makes me feel like there's no "but" or "if only" attached to the statement. So I already know he's a keeper. I just hope I am to him.

Quote from: mandonlym on February 22, 2014, 12:26:04 PM
Yes, that does shift my perspective. Thanks for the insight, Catherine. The bf works in mental health so he's far more advanced and emotionally intelligent than me when it comes to these things. He's really the first person who's told me "I love your body" in a way that makes me feel like there's no "but" or "if only" attached to the statement. So I already know he's a keeper. I just hope I am to him.

If I may say, It sounds like your belief in you self is incredibly low. I personally haven't dated for a while out of choice and dysphoria , so I'm not a good source of information on the subject. This is just my opinion , but you need to strengthen your belief in your self to the stand on your own not being so dependent mentality. I mean no harm it's just an opinion. I like your dress by the way or top

Quote from: stephaniec on February 22, 2014, 12:54:19 PM
This is just my opinion , but you need to strengthen your belief in your self to the stand on your own not being so dependent mentality.

Ah! Easier said than done! Yeah, I'm a confident person in general but I don't know why I get like this with boys. As I said I experience it as a PTSD-like disorder because otherwise I'm a generally confident person. It's just this particular situation of starting relationships that triggers these irrational fears.

I guess it just really takes a strong-minded person to be with an out transwoman, so I get overly concerned at any sign of distance. I've experienced various situations like people I've dated wanting kids, or having a hard time talking about it with their families, etc. It's funny because I've done my own share of breaking up with people, but somehow it's the ones who break up with me that make the lasting impression.

Hi mandonlym,

Quote from: mandonlym on February 22, 2014, 12:26:04 PM
........  So I already know he's a keeper. I just hope I am to him.

From what you've already posted so far mandonlym, I'm more than convinced that you too are a keeper. I guess that that's the magic part of relationship. Sometimes you have to lean on your partner when you don't have the strength to believe in the matter yourself.

Before deciding to transition, I didn't believe I could do it. There are a few people here that believed otherwise of me. I had to borrow their belief that I could until such time as I took possession of that belief and did it.

Although you've expressed yourself as a generally confident person in all things except one or two things; with your understanding of PTSD you are probably aware of the following. Your BF working in mental health should be aware of this too.

As you've likened your lack of confidence in this matter to a PTSD like occurrence, it's the triggers that are the prime suspects for the condition. Fortunately the method by which these triggers can be dealt with is highly successful. Once identified and dealt with pretty well cures the PTSD, worse case brings it under substantial control.

Keep up the good work. You're definitely on a winner

Huggs
Catherine

Thanks so much for the support Catherine. It's really appreciated.

Quote from: mandonlym on February 23, 2014, 11:31:12 AM
Thanks so much for the support Catherine. It's really appreciated.

Thank you. I consider it a privilege. After all, we all need it.

Huggs
Catherine