So im having to reassess my entire childhood to pick out the bits that were the result of being forced to be something im not, and identify what hints are left behind that i can build upon to find the real me. It really is sad how society forces a set personality onto people based on what anatomy they supposedly have, why cant they just let people discover who they really are without interfering...

So now im left feeling empty because i dont know who i really am, i feel like my childhood has been stolen from me, i feel like i have 23 years of catching up to do. The worst thing is ive spent the last two years in heavy personal development, but now ive accepted this fully i need to go over all of that all over again to see it in this new light, back to square one. Sure is an emotional roller-coaster. Sure im excited that i can find the real me, i just feel let down by society. What possessed things to go down such a dark path that can only damage our survival rate i have no idea, im just glad that things are finally changing.

Now the red pill is taken i keep getting dysphoric when i realise negative traits i have picked up, and other parts of me that are wrong, this may very well be the hardest stage of my personal growth yet.


Still....



I must remember to center myself, and remember that change is good, change is the very essence of reality, the core function of how any of this exists. I must forge onwards with confidence as i have been and find the liberation and freedom we all deserve.

I want to say an open thank you to anyone who has ever given support to anyone going through a hard time of any kind, each and every one of you literally save peoples lives in your own unique way, together we shall get through this.

QuoteThe Doctor: It all just disappears, doesn't it? Everything you are, gone in a moment, like breath on a mirror. Any moment now... He's a-comin'.
Clara: Who's coming?
The Doctor: The Doctor.
Clara: You. You are the Doctor.
The Doctor: Yep. And I always will be. But times change and so must I...
...
The Doctor:We all change. When you think about it, we're all different people all through our lives. And that's okay. That's good. You gotta keep moving on, so long as you remember all the people you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when the Doctor was me.

I shall keep moving on indeed, i promise to not forget all the stages of my life, not one single moment. I promise to never stop re-evaluating everything as new information requires, because to dislike and avoid change is to dislike and avoid life itself, and that is not an option.

Olivia,

I am sorry that you need to go through all of this.  I, also, lost a large part of my childhood and am trying to sort things out.  This has driven me to go see a Psychologist.  Things this deep require help to process.  Looking back at childhood after it is long past is a bit like opening Pandora's Box.

You have spent two years in heavy personal development.  What you would find doing that is the real you in the here and now - that is the important thing.  Incidents from childhood form the grain (think of wood, with a lot of "character") of your being, but do NOT define who you are.  What you are doing now defines who you are now.  Just because you were set upon by bullies (a common thing to happen to someone like us) when you were very young does NOT condemn you to follow the rest of your life as a second class person.

Red Pill?  Prometrium?  A euphemism for the fact you have started and are on the road?  Being on the road toward progress and finding the real you is a good thing.

I hope this helps.

Good luck with your search for you!


Erin

Quote from: ErinWDK on February 22, 2014, 02:43:39 PM


Red Pill? 

Red pill > Matrix > waking  up to real world and no way back


And thanks for the response

I had to go to a boy's only high school... those six years were pretty sucky and there's not an awful lot I can take away from the experience except what borderline male presentation was the least I needed in order not to get beaten up and that teen boys are as obsessed about penises as they are about boobs. There's no denying or forgetting that particular time in my life - it existed. But hey, even cis kids have crappy childhoods...like really, really crappy and compared to some of them my childhood was just great. I did spend a year or two playing "if only" and "what if" but all it did was make me more depressed and life seem more "unfair". In the end I just moved on - there's nothing I can do about my past, nothing at all...but my present is where I'm at and that's what counts because that's what shapes my future. Wasting my present by trawling through my past literally delays, derails and eats away at my future.

Hope you feel better soon.