As some might know, I had been experiencing some chest pains and today I sucked it up and went to see the doctor since I was already there to visit my grandmother. I will admit, hospitals are not really my cup of tea and I'm rather terrified of doctors, but this time I was more nervous about going since it's such a small town and everyone talks. I tried to think of the best ways to try to avoid mentioning that I had been wearing a binder in case questions like that would pop up. But the doctor visit went alright and he prescribed me some strong painkillers since its most likely flamed and a slightly stretched/torn muscle tissue and it is rather hard to treat that in the chest area, or so he told me.
Visiting my grandmother went pretty well as well, she was scary pale and I was not really allowed to get too close to her since just a touch is possible to infect the other. But we actually had a rather nice talk, and I actually found myself almost coming out to her as trans. I managed to catch my tongue before speaking, since it really was not the place for that conversation, but because of the topic we were discussing I think she will not take it to bad when I do come out to her. I have been wanting to socially transition really badly lately and I have been trying to plan out in my head how I should come out to everybody. A part of me thought of the brilliant idea of just doing it on facebook, but I know there are some that would be better to tell them personally, allow them to ask questions and such. Another part of me thought of just making a new facebook and deleting my old one and have that as my coming out since there are some people on my facebook that just really wouldn't have to know at least yet, and some of those people are the type to spread stories like wild fire. Really the biggest reason why I don't really post much on facebook.
I have been having my up and down days, some days I rise and others I fall into the thoughts of what my body has and what it lacks. There are days were I keep myself talking to a minimum because hearing my voice makes me want to just jump on the bed and hide under the duvet and lately all of these things are getting to me more and more. My brother once told me that my super power was being overly optimistic, but now I'm having a harder time doing that. I still do the things I need to do, I smile and laugh at the right time in conversations, tell a few jokes and get others to laugh and so forth. But right now, I just feel tired. I feel myself wanting to fade, yet terrified of being forgotten.
But I have my better days, where I can clearly see the steps towards my goal and how to achieve them. But, there are a few that hinder those steps. Like for an example, getting an appointment with a gender therapist... I have been trying to call but can't get through and so forth.
Some days I fall, others I rise. I just wish I knew all the answers at times.
