I've been wanting to post about this for months, but I feel so broken when I think about it. I go through a whole "what is wrong with you??!!" arc that is so unpleasant. But I'm going around in circles and would appreciate feedback from others who might have response patterns that are similar to mine.

I have always had a darned good relationship with my therapist. We clicked immediately. I've had a few crises of trust but have been able to work through them...until a couple of years ago when, paradoxically, I started making real progress in my life. Our relationship changed somewhat. He still had to support me through the tough stuff, but he started praising my successes more.

My problem is that I don't handle positivity well. Over the years, I've gotten better at fielding compliments and positive feedback (I've had to work at it quite consciously), and I even pat myself on the back sometimes. But the closer I feel to the complimenter, the more angry I get. I am more intimate with my therapist than I am with anyone else on the planet, and he is sort of a father figure. So when he says nice things about me, I can't take them gracefully. I get mad.

For a long time now, I have had a consistent undercurrent of hostility and resentment virtually every time I see him. Some days I simply hate him and wish he would shut up and stop being such a damned Pollyanna (that's how I see it when I'm pissed). We've talked about it a few times but have never gotten anywhere. I've thought about it myself and have never really made any headway. Despite all of my negative feelings, I'm still making progress in other ways. So I don't want to switch therapists; anyway, I expect that I would have the same issues with someone else if I got to know him well enough. What I need to do is understand myself better.

I think the worst thing is that I don't really want to change; I want HIM to change. I like being cynical. At least, I'm used to it. But don't tell me how well I'm doing when I still struggle so much. It's like discounting my daily struggles and ignoring how hard I work to make those gains...or something. In truth, I don't fully understand why I get so angry.

Has anyone else here experienced something similar, either in or out of therapy? What was your worldview like? Why do you think you were the way you were? What did you do about it? Or maybe you are still struggling through it like I am.

I know it's cheap, but I try very consciously and methodically to react happily to positive feedback because I've been told so clearly that it's unhealthy not to. My positive reactions to positive feedback don't seem to be taken as any less sincere than my reactions to anything else, and the more practice I get the better I am at it. I find that I have to convince myself to believe it, though, to correctly act happy. So it's a little roundabout but ends up being functional and good.

Part of why it is so black-and-white and important to me is that it has been one of the identified treatment goals for my daughter, and I'm scared to death of appearing more messed up than she is. I'm not sure how I would approach the problem if it weren't for that impetus. I'm still a little uneasy with the level of praise I get from therapists and I half wonder if they just don't understand or are overvaluing traits that aren't the main ones I value.

Ohhh, I wish that would work for me.

I've done pretty well with other people, even with one of my closest friends, who has a lot of nice things to say about me. He is gay and sees me as a cis gay man. He has known me since early in my transition and has seen me struggle my way through all sorts of crap. The only thing he doesn't know about is the extra layer of horribleness, the additional challenge of transsexuality.

When interacting with this guy, I started to work on NOT responding verbally--at all--to positive feedback. I used to say awkward things and stupid self-effacing things, so I considered silence a sort of neutral way station between negative and positive responses. It just about killed me not to say anything, especially when he would call me "an intelligent man" or some other term with "man" in it. Such praise felt doubly undeserved.

But I did it, and now (after about three years of hard work) I can handle a reasonable degree of positivity from him.

Doing the same with my therapist eludes me. He says something nice, and I immediately start fighting him on it and contradicting him. Or I sit there in sullen silence, hating him. Recently, I was completely exhausted from weeks of putting together a big application packet while I held down two jobs. My therapist gave me some well-deserved strokes for meeting the deadline. As tired as I was, I had my usual filters off. I immediately snapped, "You always have to rub my nose in it, don't you?"

I wonder what would happen if I simply gritted my teeth and said some rote positive response. I'm afraid I would blow up at him after a couple of those.

Saying 'Thanks" and letting it go at that, no matter what you really feel, can do wonders.

Sometimes easier said then done, but shouldn't be much harder than silence.

Personally, praise is fine when it is limited, when it gets effusive or constantly repeated, then it gets my ire up. It then tends to ring false.

Is it possible that it feels false to you?

Whenever I receive compliments or positive feedback, I can't help but feel the person is lying.  In my head, there is no reason to legitimately compliment someone like me other than pity or an attempt to give me the illusion that everything is okay.  Maybe also a way to get what they want through flattery.  Like there is always some angle to it.  At the end of the day, I think I'm being a bit irrational and unfair in these situations  Not everyone thinks poorly of me even though I can't imagine anything but that.  In fact, I've had people look up to me or hold me in high regard in the past.  I'll never understand why, though, because I have a difficlt time seeing the good in myself.  I can't imagine others really feel or see the positive things that they say about me.  The way I deal with it is understanding I'm probably over-analyzing things to death. 

I can't say I have anything to offer about your particular situation or can provide a solution to it; although, I did want to share my own experience and say you are not alone. 

I know that negativity became a shield for me very early in life. I figure that because my own body was such a betrayal and people didn't even see the real me, I adopted the cynical and even pessimistic outlook as a defense mechanism. It was dangerous to feel positive or hopeful about anything for very long. Also, I know that my parents were not exactly effusive in their praise. And I was teased a lot and bullied a bit when I was younger; it's hard to feel good about much when the rest of the school either ignores you or singles you out for being a geek (and, sometimes, a tomboy).

But I still can't figure out why my therapist elicits such anger in me. Do I think he is lying? I feel that it's more that I think he's ignoring my daily reality and the difficult tasks still ahead of me. But that doesn't explain why I can't handle SOME nice comments from him. I walk in the door already resentful, and the minute he says something even remotely positive about me, I bristle.

My ex used to know how to package things. Instead of saying, "Congrats on getting an A--you really deserve it," he would say, "You worked very hard on that seminar paper." The first would have made me feel very uncomfortable and undeserving; the second made me proud of myself and glad that he had recognized my sustained effort and sacrifice.

Quote from: LordKAT on February 23, 2014, 10:10:37 AM
Is it possible that it feels false to you?

No, I don't think that's it at all. I feel unsafe. Threatened. And therefore angry and hostile.

I know that part of it is that I still struggle many days and have a lot of dysphoria and uncertainty in my life. When he says how well I did on something, such as the job application, I sort of feel as if he is focusing on the product and not the process...and latching onto the one good thing and ignoring all of the effort it took me to get it.

My silence has not usually been voluntary or conscious. It's just the mode I slip into. I'm aware that I'm hostile and resentful, but I'm not usually aware that I can voice my resentment. I just snapped the last couple of times I saw him.

I have this same problem. Every time someone gives me a compliment I suddenly feel defensive. I always come up with a 'well you haven't seen the trainwreck I am UNDER the clothes' or whatever. Just ANYTHING to negate what they said. For me, though, it's a lack of belief. I can't parse that they genuinely would think these nice things if they knew the ENTIRE package.

As a slightly off-topic aside, does anyone else just get angry when people tell them they're 'brave' for transitioning? I've had total strangers on SCRUFF message me to tell me I'm 'so brave'.

And I'm just left feeling like I became a motivational poster for them without even knowing me as a person.

Quote from: greypeacock on February 25, 2014, 04:25:51 AM
I have this same problem. Every time someone gives me a compliment I suddenly feel defensive. I always come up with a 'well you haven't seen the trainwreck I am UNDER the clothes' or whatever. Just ANYTHING to negate what they said. For me, though, it's a lack of belief. I can't parse that they genuinely would think these nice things if they knew the ENTIRE package.

As a slightly off-topic aside, does anyone else just get angry when people tell them they're 'brave' for transitioning? I've had total strangers on SCRUFF message me to tell me I'm 'so brave'.

I don't like being told I'm brave, but I take it as the compliment it's meant to be. My entire life was always driven by fear, survival, and desperation. For many years, I was too chicken to transition because I had read that it wouldn't help me and that I was mentally ill. For many more years, I was too chicken to transition because of what I would lose--and I was afraid of change and the unknown. For many years, I couldn't have transitioned because I recloseted myself, even TO myself. Then I transitioned because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't.

Regarding the other stuff. Maybe at my core, I feel that I don't deserve the praise, but I don't think that's really it. At least, I don't believe that it's the main phenomenon. Some other force or forces are at work here. But you seem to know what I mean--you sort of fight people when they say nice things? I've managed to mostly stop doing it with everyone but my therapist. He completely pushes my anger buttons.

I think it has something to do with that surrogate father dynamic, but I'm sure there's a bunch of other complicated stuff going on. Anyway, even if I don't make any real progress by posting, I'm relieved to be able to write about it finally.

I think a lot of people feel very similar and we don't even recognize it. I know even when I feel good about something I did and someone else compliments it I cringe. I think a great deal of it was how I was raised to always be humble, compare yourself to the best, only Jesus is perfect, just to name a few of the conditioning statements that trained me to take compliments so uncomfortably. That and if I ever got a big head it was quickly and sometimes severly "popped?"

My second loving relationship in life was with a very intelligent female who was raised by very positive reaffirming parents, but also was a psyche major who understood mental health. She would cringe when I would cringe to her compliments, and did a good job of at least getting me to accept that a compliment is not an all encompassing affirmation of my success, but simply a small recognition of something I did that someone had an appreciation for from their own perspective. That my invalidating it due to my own insecurities and conditioned responses, was in fact a bit of selfishness on my part too. These people have valid opinions in what they see in us, and maybe accepting that without judgement for the small observation it is will not only be good manners but help to recondition us to be more supportive of ourselves. She was a special person, and if I told her that she would smile and say "Thank you" which is what I have tried to do ever since with nominal success.

There are still compliments I immediately cringe at though, and see as phoney but I try to act gracious even as I cringe inside. The funny thing is if they are going to be phoney or patronizing about it, we really ought to take the compliment and run with it to teach them a lesson! "HA! Compliment me will you? I'll show you!!!" 

My therapist and I are talking about this again a little bit at a time. He has never understood why I find his compliments and positivity threatening, so I have always gotten angry when we we have talked about it in the past. Things had gotten so bad that I was looking for another therapist so that I could talk to him about my current therapist. Instead, I couldn't find anyone I would even consider seeing, and my anxiety built up over a couple of months. Then I snapped a couple of times, and here we are: revisiting the problem.

We have established a few things. For one, I have indeed made a lot of progress in a very short period of time. Before I came out for the final time, I had receded from the world as much as I could. Never took chances, didn't even leave the house if I didn't have to. Even going to the grocery store was excruciating. I was in a terrible rut. Now I have two jobs, a possible long-term job offer, side projects, students who actually like me (as a teacher, I mean), colleagues I talk to easily, and professional development activities. I'm back to working on my dissertation when I can, I'm making plans for surgeries (that's pretty scary), I'm sticking my neck out and grabbing opportunities or even making them myself. I used to be afraid of everything and everybody. Now I talk to strangers and even leave the house without too much fuss.

The thing is, I'm not used to all of this success. Everything is happening at once, I am most definitely overextended, and the stress to keep it all going is unbelievable. In addition, I have used my negativity as a coping mechanism, a shield, and I don't know how to react when I wind up patting myself on the back occasionally. That's confusing. I feel exposed when it happens. And I feel ten times worse when my therapist does it. I don't get angry at myself, but I do get angry at him. I feel threatened. And when he says, "I hope you don't think this remark is too positive, but..." I feel that he is laughing at me, making fun of my very real handicap.

Maybe we can sort this out after all. I guess time will tell. But I feel so messed up for being this way. I just didn't want to be the only one. I know that sounds terrible, but it's true.

Quote from: Arch on February 23, 2014, 01:44:59 PM
My ex used to know how to package things. Instead of saying, "Congrats on getting an A--you really deserve it," he would say, "You worked very hard on that seminar paper." The first would have made me feel very uncomfortable and undeserving; the second made me proud of myself and glad that he had recognized my sustained effort and sacrifice.

Quote from: Arch on February 25, 2014, 03:36:39 AM
I know that part of it is that I still struggle many days and have a lot of dysphoria and uncertainty in my life. When he says how well I did on something, such as the job application, I sort of feel as if he is focusing on the product and not the process...and latching onto the one good thing and ignoring all of the effort it took me to get it.

i think your answer probably lies in these two comments. when someone throws a positive comment at me, it easily feels like i've just done well like other people, lived up to some expectation, and should gracefully accept their positive feelings about me being "good enough". but if they actually make a comment about how well i've done on the progress rather than the product, i'll feel like they've recognized my hard work, and that makes me feel quite a lot of validation. i'd rather have people being happy for me trying to get somewhere, than having gotten there.

please see my effort, not just the result. please give me recognition for tying even if i fail. only getting compliments when doing good makes me so much more afraid of failing.

i've struggled a lot with the fear of failing, mostly because people only complimented me when i did good, and i never felt like my parents loved me just for being me. like i had to keep succeeding in order to be noticed by them in any positive way.

now i have some good coworkers who are much more process oriented than product oriented, and who want me for what i can contribute to the process rather than the product. i'm finally starting to heal up a bit, getting less afraid of not getting things done on time, or missing out on some details. i have a senpai who looks out for me, and i never feel alone at work. i'll never have to take the full responsibility, we're all in this together. it gives a completely different feeling from when people would just tell me that i did good after a good result had been presented. i get complimented just for wanting to try things at this job. life feels so much easier, and compliments don't make me feel that threatening pressure any more.

I've been following this closely because I have the same problem, but really have no idea as to why.

What you said and Taka's response make a lot of sense to me. I think that too, I misread congratulations as "you're better than you were before." Like, because I did this one thing that someone approves of, I'm a better person and deserving of more approval or whatever now than I was before. And it kind of makes me feel like others think I did it for them instead of myself.

I don't know if that made sense, it was kind of hard to express. It's twisted anyway, lol.

QuoteI've done pretty well with other people, even with one of my closest friends, who has a lot of nice things to say about me. He is gay and sees me as a cis gay man. He has known me since early in my transition and has seen me struggle my way through all sorts of crap. The only thing he doesn't know about is the extra layer of horribleness, the additional challenge of transsexuality.

With some people and situations, this is my final barrier, and one that I'm not sure what to do with. Sometimes praise or opinions in general feel invalid because I know they don't know I'm trans. I feel like if they really knew the extent of it they would either reject me or awkwardly accept me but they would treat me way too differently regardless. So many people I come out to are supportive but proceed to see me as a brave girl.

I never planned to be closeted, but I don't think it's a coincidence that the people who are most friendly and relaxed around me are the ones who see me as a cisman.

Being a parent and a former psych major, I do get touchy about praise sometimes because it feels like a script that I hear all the time. Like the therapist is trying to give me props for something that he or she can't possibly understand enough to talk about. I want to detach entirely from case studies and DSM and best practices and be a person apart from everyone before me, and I know that's precious and ridiculous. I do have good habits with it now and I think I usually react properly, but compliments from therapists still feel pretty tangly.

And I think I'll probably spend the rest of my life deciding case-by-case whether to out myself as trans. It's not something people ask about when they meet you, and then once they know you it's weird to bring up.

Folks, you've made me think in a way I hadn't before.

I have heard of a fear of success, but I never read up on it. I might be recycling information that is already out there, but I am pretty sure that I'm afraid of success because I'm deeply worried that I won't be able to keep it up. I'm afraid to be hopeful and positive. I'm also afraid that other people will see my failure or lack of success when it does finally come.

I remember a time when I was first in college. I had three good days in a row. It terrified me. I was actually relieved when I slipped back into depression on the fourth day. Depression was safe and familiar. It had a life of its own, so I didn't have to worry about "keeping it up." I didn't have to worry about having my hopes dashed. Things couldn't get too much worse, so I worried only when I had a good day, not when I had a bad day.

As I said earlier, I find it enormously stressful to maintain my current level of success, and I do pay a heavy price for it. Maybe I think that successful people just do it naturally and don't have to struggle for it. I certainly work hard for mine, and I fight my demons just about every day so that I can make things look relatively effortless, or at least manageable, to onlookers. And then I get angry when they don't see the struggle and don't praise me for fighting so hard.

I'm not used to success. Maybe that's why I can't handle praise for it. But I'm used to pain and uncertainty and struggle. Maybe that's why I can accept praise for handling them every day: they are inevitable and success isn't. Don't get me hopeful because my hopes will be dashed when (WHEN, not IF) I crash. But the struggle has been there all my life, and I've rarely gotten recognition for it.

I think the thing that hurts me most about my therapist is that he's genuinely delighted that I'm doing so well. He isn't just running a therapeutic tape. He's truly happy for me, and that I cannot stand. Still not sure why...

Quote from: Arch on March 09, 2014, 03:14:27 PM
I remember a time when I was first in college. I had three good days in a row. It terrified me. I was actually relieved when I slipped back into depression on the fourth day. Depression was safe and familiar. It had a life of its own, so I didn't have to worry about "keeping it up." I didn't have to worry about having my hopes dashed. Things couldn't get too much worse, so I worried only when I had a good day, not when I had a bad day.

My entire life coming up was dealing with judgmental Christians who liked to make my life miserable, probably because I was "different". I emotionally shut down early on as a teenager and ended up forgetting how to feel. Why bother feeling when all you're going to get is dashed against a wall? Compliments made me, and still make me uncomfortable because I don't understand them at all, but at least I can answer it in a socially acceptable way. "Oh, thanks!" is a good answer, even if you're really going "Wtf? Go away."