I have been struggling with gender issues for several years now and have tentatively been playing around labels such as genderfluid, non-binary, feminine male etc. These labels all tell part of the truth about myself but there is one word I have been avoiding - TRANSGENDER. Somehow that word is really scary to me. I think because terms like genderfluid are generally not that known I can use those terms to myself and still remain in my comfort zone. (I don't mean to suggest that people who identify as genderfluid are 'less trans' or any such thing, just talking about the emotional meaning these terms carry for myself). Where as transgender is a BIG WORD, every one knows what that means, it is inescapable...
I am at a very vulnerable point in my life; my partner has been suicidally depressed for the last 3 months and I have been her sole carer, this has absolutely exhausted me and left me with very little resources left for myself. She has now got a lot of support from mental health services and is slowly recovering but although we still love each other dearly, for many good reasons we have decided to end our relationship of 8 years. During that time my mother has also been seriously ill in hospital, fortunately she is making a good recovery. I have found a new house share and am due to move out next week, it will be a struggle financially as I have a casual low paid job with no security, but I can just manage paying for it and for therapy which I really need right now.
My ex-partner and I are still sharing our old flat until I move out; this morning I noticed she had not come home last night, all the storage heaters in her part of the flat were turned off, her mobile was switched off, she had not taken a bag or her meds with her. I was very scared and frantically ringing round her friends to see if anyone had seen her, turns out she was just at a friends and hadn't thought to let me know. I arrived at work this morning shaking with stress, made a really stupid mistake at work (which I am worried may effect me getting further work there), basically I sit here now and think what the **** is the point in trying to avoid the issue anymore; I am transgender.
I don't know what that means for me yet; I don't have any wish to have surgery but whatever it is gonna mean really big changes to my life. My ex was very supportive of my gender issues but now that safety net isn't there anymore I feel like I have no option but to confront my issues, I can't keep a lid on them anymore. And in a way this is a really good thing; in the past when I have found the courage to express my femininity it has been really empowering, really positive. But right now I feel like my strength has been tested so much... and I am about to move into a house full of strangers. I feel so vulnerable.
I can see a potential future that is so bright, ending a relationship that was draining and co-dependant has set me free and I am able to connect with myself and engage with life so much better, I have the opportunity to apply for a MSc in Counselling this year which I really want to do, I have battled really hard with lifelong social anxiety issues and am at a point now where I actually have a few genuine friends who I can talk to after years of isolation. I don't drink or do drugs anymore. And I can imagine what it would be like to be a really proud, strong transgender person. It seems like such a struggle to me at the moment though, like I have just run a marathon, totally exhausted, and someone told me "Didn't you know? That was just the first lap".
Thanks for reading
