This is only my second post on this site. But for once in my life I think I might be able to help some one. I'm not crying for attention. I just want to help. Nothing more.
When I knew there was a difference between genders, I knew I was the wrong one. It was so clear to me. I was smuggling my sisters dresses and her dolls from her room. The dresses fit so nice and the dolls allowed me to feel like I was nurturing something. I had no interest in fake guns at all. Death and destruction were not my thing! I had more interest in something needing me. I loved those dolls as silly as it makes me sound.
I dealt with this in secret for many years until I was smuggling my mothers clothes. I watched my back and never got caught. But the pain never stopped building up. It only got worse. Year after year. I decided to right myself. To become a man or die trying.
I shipped out for boot camp 2 months later. I knew that was the fix. How could it not be? It was all I had. I had to fix my brain. My gender. My life. And I made it. I survived boot camp. I survived 2 months without doing anything slightly girly. I was a man finally!
Until 5 months later. I was at my new base. Bright eyed and bushy tailed. Making friends. Hanging out. I was introduced to alcohol. That demon. One night while drunk, all of the urges I had fought with for years came back with a vengeance. I knew I wasn't done with Jill. She would come back to haunt me. Of course, she is me. I just didn't know it at the time. Actually, I did but I didn't want her. I tried suicide. I cut hard and deep. As I bled, I was busted. I passed out right as my room mate walked in early from work. I woke up restrained to a hospital bed with my chain of command at the bed side. They were worrief about me. I was in tears while I lied to them.
"I don't know what happened. I lost it. Maybe nightmares. I don't know. "
Any lie I could utter to keep Jillian hidden. I got through the life saving procedures and a 72 hour hold in apsych hospital. I lied and got released. I blamed it on nightmares which wasnt true at all. Before long I was released back to my unit. It was time to man up. I dealt with the stigma and withi months got to be a "real man"again. I even signed up for a dating site. Little did I know that was the move that would change my life forever. I met s wonderful woman who I tried to date. She knew something was off with me and confronted me about it. I decided to be honest. I told her everything. Jillisn started to become a real person. And my new friend loved me for it. She loved Jillian. And I started to also. I had for the first time in my life loved myself.
There is much more to this story which I would be glad to tell if asked. And I did cut it of rather quickly. But the moral is love who you are. Death, boot camp, or self loathing won't change it.
