I was going to leave Susan's behind, and move on.  But things crashed around me this last week and maybe telling you will make me feel better.  Feeling better?  No, that won't happen.

First.  I have a telephone appointment to talk to my therapist tomorrow morning, so don't worry about me doing anything to hurt myself.   And please don't reply to this by saying things like "It will get better.", " We all care about you.", or anything like that.  And don't ask me to call a crisis line, a help line, or anything else because I'm way past you on those, and I'm living in my own little hell now. 

I'm not going to kill myself today.  And maybe not for many years.  But I see it as a real possibility, and the reality of having to end this life some day hasn't bothered me for at least a year.  I'm not afraid of death, and I almost fancy the idea of not waking up to deal with life again. 

I'm quite old, depressed, and incredibly lonely.
Except for my sisters and brothers I've been ostracized by my relatives. 
My son's won't talk to me. 
My wife and I are separated.  And even if we talk by phone nearly every day we don't say much.
I've been injured a couple times in the last month and don't feel I'm able to do my work.
I'm extremely cold in the snow, and spend most of my free time alone and inside.
I've lost much of my will to survive., and if I was hit and killed by a truck tomorrow it'd be a blessing.

I actually expect to be happier, and I know I'll get past these next couple days of depression.  But the depression will return as it always does.  And to add to it everything else has gotten to the point where I'm considering a delay in my SRS  Then maybe I can placate my wife by finishing the house repair so we can finally sell it and get divorced.  Then, if I'm still alive I can go under the knife.  I realize I've always said I started this transition knowing what I'd loose.  And if you've read  my posts you know my common theme has been "I'm never turning back from this transition."   Yet something I've always left out of that statement was "But that doesn't mean I can't end it now, and forever."

Lately my project home is slipping badly because of the weather, unexpected problems with the house, a lack of help, no money, personal injury, and just plain old depression.  Here in the middle of nowhere I'm living a solitary life without friends, without physical contact, and without having others who I can talk to about this life, or who are willing to help me understand my problems.  And other than going to a church (that I can't stand) once a week, there's nothing that lets me feel even remotely like I belong to anything, or that I have companionship, or friendship.  And there certainly isn't any love.   

As I said I'm old, I'm not good looking, I'm nearly broke, and I have to rely on the wife I walked out on last month to send me money.  I've lost interest in my hobbies, there are no other activities in the area that I can physically do in the winter, and I don't want to spend money on trying to search for something that can draw my interest.  All in all, the mistake that was my birth is catching up to me, and I'm having trouble dealing with it.

There is one funny thing I laugh about in this situation, and even it's a dark little pit.  I'm politically conservative and that has made me an unknown outsider to the local liberal LGBT community, and since I'm transsexual I'm and outsider the conservative population around me.  Things are so bad I'm even thinking of stopping at the local Republican Party office just to shake things up and watch them flip out as socially awkward transwoman volunteers to work for super conservative politician.  Yeah, if that's what really ends up being my entertainment, BIG WHOOP.  May as well die first.

I wish I could feel the tender touch of another person.  A person who knew what my life was like, what it means to have lived this way, and who would care as much for me as I would for her.  And I wish I could stop crying because it no longer helps.  The pain lasts even after the tears run dry.

I have to go to the post office, stop to get something to eat, and do some work on the house.  After that I don't know.  I've got a credit card and half a tank of gas in the jeep.  I can always drive until I can't run away anymore.   

This just sucks, and it's got to end.

It's your life, dear, I won't tell you what to do with it.

There is beauty and goodness in you. Please look for it if you can.

All children of the universe have value. You are no exception.

Quote from: kathyk on February 26, 2014, 12:38:17 PMI actually expect to be happier, and I know I'll get past these next couple days of depression.  But the depression will return as it always does.

Kathyk, as requested, no sympathy or platitudes from me.  Life sometimes feels like a complete waste of time, doesn't it?

But I'm listening, and I'm right there with you.  It sounds like you're being very rational about all of this.  You know that reality for you is often utterly miserable, lonely, and a life that nobody would ever choose.  And you also know that this trip down into hopeless depression will pass - everything does, eventually.

So go ahead, hop in that Jeep (and that makes me a little jealous, because if I was to try to run it would be so unromantic and boring in an ancient Toyota Camry - hardly road movie stuff) and drive.  Be miserable, because I'm a big believer in being miserable, for wallowing in it for as long as it takes to get bored of being down there, until the grass on the other side of the fence starts to look green again in the springtime.  Heck, I'll even buy you the other half tank of gas if you need it.

Just remember what you're looking for - the tender touch of another person.  There's plenty of us out here, and you'll pass one or two on your drive.  Make sure you're looking forwards, out of the window, not in the rear view mirror to wipe away tears; otherwise you'll miss that person who is out there looking for you, and you'll come back just as lonely and helpless as you left.

And if it doesn't get better, there's always more gas.  Sometimes the drive is more important than the destination.

I'm sorry you've lost you view of life.  All I can say that I've been lonely my entire life. I finally realized my isolation from all relationships was do to this disphoria. I lost my family when my dad died. My mother died when I was 9 years old. I have two sisters and one brother that I haven't seen or talked to in over 20 years and have absolutely no intention of talking to them again. I have nieces and nephews I can't talk to nor have talked to for over 20 years because of my sisters and what they did 20 years ago which I'm not going into. Yea, life can be a bitch , but God gave me my life and I'm grateful. Sorry your in a bad way

Quote from: suzifrommd on February 26, 2014, 01:07:32 PM
It's your life, dear, I won't tell you what to do with it.

There is beauty and goodness in you. Please look for it if you can.

All children of the universe have value. You are no exception.

I am glad Suzi commented because I was at a loss for words. She said what I couldn't.

Quote from: kathyk on February 26, 2014, 12:38:17 PM
Lately my project home is slipping badly because of the weather, unexpected problems with the house, a lack of help, no money, personal injury, and just plain old depression.  Here in the middle of nowhere I'm living a solitary life without friends, without physical contact, and without having others who I can talk to about this life, or who are willing to help me understand my problems.  And other than going to a church (that I can't stand) once a week, there's nothing that lets me feel even remotely like I belong to anything, or that I have companionship, or friendship.  And there certainly isn't any love.   

....

This just sucks, and it's got to end.

OK. Why are you trying to finish this house that is keeping you stuck there? Sell it as an unfinished project and get the heck out. From what you write, you have no-one local to lose. Get out of that frozen hell-hole and go somewhere warmer. Somewhere more on the progressive side (so skip the Bible Belt).

The extra money from finishing the house is not worth your sanity. In the worst case, come back in three or four months and finish it in warmer weather.

Hi Kathy

I don't wish to commiserate with you, but I can somewhat understand where you're coming from - My situation isn't completely the same as yours but I do have some similar issues

I'm 52 and have debilitating injuries that cause me a lot of physical pain, depression and anxiety, I live in a very conservative and religious area that I really don't fit in with, I spend most of my time alone, it is difficult for me to take much interest in anything, even hobbies and such that I would normally love to do, I'm not particularly great looking, I'm broke most of the time and barely get through each month, I think about suicide on a daily basis and cry myself to sleep hoping I won't wake up

Sometimes I think that if there is a god, they just keep me around to torture me for their own sadistic entertainment

Luckily I do have a few friends, particularly one who has been there and helped me along in one way or another

Anyhow, I guess what I'm saying is that you are not alone and that we all need to be there for each other as much as we are able

Sending you a smile

Love and hugs

V M

Yes i know. Been there myself.

Stood on the door steps of *ell.

Spent all my time worried about society over my personal feelings.

Not today the *ell with everyone. I am me and moved towards my own happiness over others.

I stand here today happy for me and me alone.

I hope you can get past all the fears.

Lots of luck in what ever you choose. And it is true, you only get out of life what you put into it.

Hugs
Isabell

Kathy - I won't offer any platitudes as you requested, but please know that we are here, we hear what you said, we worry about you, we care deeply about you, and we want to see you escape your current hellish situation. I've been where you are before too fwiw. Please take care of yourself, and keep talking to us as you need too - we are here and we care.

~Eva

Thanks girls.  I have to stop at the other house, then I'm going to try and make it to Green Bay for the night.  Have to get out of here, and hope the 24 year old jeep stays together.  And if it falls apart I don't give a ->-bleeped-<- now.  Sorry about the language, but it's how I feel. 

And VM - Maybe we'll be o.k.   I know I'm not alone, but it's the way I've felt for 60 years.

Hi Kathy

Yep, I've been there with wishing I was dead, that it would be so much easier if a bus ran up onto the curb while I was waiting to cross the road and ended it all. Those were pretty dark days, at the moment they're gone and I'm glad that scenario never happened. So I know you said not to say "things will get better" and I won't , but I will say that I hope they do get better.

Whenever I see your avatar I always feel like I'd love to get a big loving hug from you, so consider it a request for when we meet in person one day.

And yeah, go volunteer for Joe Republican, sounds like they need a firecracker thrown into the mix!

As I mentioned a little while ago, I've been suicidal more or less since age 14. The only reason I've even considered living this long is: a) being afraid of getting the attempt wrong and b) traumatising family members. The latter is especially true now that my older siblings are starting families (the eldest child is 5 - old enough to be upset by such an event; I don't want to be responsible for screwing up a small child's mental health).

And the thing is, a large portion of my group of friends (and all three people I've ever been romantically interested in) have all been suicidal as well (or, frequently, currently still are). And my ex even suggested (non-jokingly) the possibility of a suicide pact (although he's broken off contact again now, so that's not gonna happen).

It's almost impossible to imagine not being suicidal. It's become an emotional crutch.

I'm afraid I can't offer a whole lot of advice, given that your life circumstances are so much different to mine. But ultimately, whatever choice you make, it's at least your choice. It may not seem like much at points, but at the right time, it can be everything.

Alone is one thing in itself. But lonely is a different animal, one which rides on my back every day. I have been at the suicide door more than once, but something told me to reach out to my brother (therapist) and talk it out.

And I'm still here, lonely but here. Human touch is something I crave, desire, and require. I'm holding on, putting myself out there on some dating sites, and hoping for the best.

It's all I can do.

Kathy, this winter is really brutal and in 3 weeks it will be over.

I understand why you are depressed and I understand why ending it is an option. We share some common thoughts and desires.

I have learned a lot from your posts and reading how strong you are really helped me when I was depressed, thank you.

Like I said this winter really is brutal and you have endured so much, hugs. 

Thanks again girls, I'm off to bed soon.

Drove south towards Wisconsin, but never made it.  Stopped at a casino eight miles from the border for dinner, and after eating lost the small amount of money I had with me.  Used the credit card to fill the gas tank in the Jeep, then drove back to South Range.  At least I got away from the house for the afternoon and evening. 

Had a bunch of change in the ashtray of the jeep, so I stopped for a beer at a roadside bar on the way back.  Got talked up by a really drunk snowmobiler.  Chugged the beer and left fast.

One really crappy day. 

Well, I can actually say I often feel the same way.  I'm 60, married, and couldn't care less if I died tomorrow but I would like to live a longer life.  I'm back on hrt and just living a day at a time.  My optimism is what keeps me going, such as it is.  Life sucks, but I somehow manage to find some good in it.  I've been down that road of trying to end it all and couldn't do it, simply because I managed to find some hope for my future.  I have yet to meet another like myself that I could have a friendship with.  I know a man who has an interest in me, but I find that I have little interest in that kind of relationship.  I guess the thing is, I want to live because I think that I can at least have the chance to be myself, a woman.  In the end, I'd rather be a lonely woman than a continue as a man, and hopefully I'll find another transgendered woman that I can actually be friends with.  I don't think that's asking for too much, so I continue on.  So I guess that being transgendered certainly does suck, but every little thing we can do to be our true selves can bring us a little closer to feeling some degree of contentment and just a little ray of sunshine in our screwed up lives.  I'd love to find someone that understands too, that I could share a normal life with, as a friend or otherwise, but until then I just try to see the hope in continuing on to be the woman I am.  Just try to appreciate what you've accomplished so far.  We're old, not particularly pretty, certainly not wealthy, but we are finding some satisfaction in finally being the women that we are, to whatever extent that may be and that's much better than doing nothing and living in a gender that isn't true to ourselves.

Hi Kathy,

We've never spoken, but I've read some of your posts and I admire your strength. I'm sure you wish somewhere inside you were either stronger or weaker, so you could find some sort of closure. I was suicidal too, but actually seriously attempted it three times, but since I'm a felon I couldn't buy a gun. Everyone knew how depressed I was too, so they wouldn't lend me one no matter how great my excuses were. Loneliness is bad enough but to be lonely because nature or God made a mistake at our births makes it that much worse, because all we want to do is fix our birth defects. All any of us, including me, just want to be loved and accepted in the life we never chose, but was dictated to us in the womb. You're not alone, but even though we're here for you, we're long distance friends or acquaintances, and we can't give you anything beyond inadequate words, but hang on, girl. Kathy, I really think you should give up on your project house and get out of that cold, lonely, isolated place. Who couldn't be depressed under the circumstances you're in when you don't have the tender touch of another person?! I'd be bedridden till the snows melted. You can make it out of this. God bless you as He finally blessed me. He kept me alive long enough for the miracle of estrogen and transition. Hugs, Mira

I'm doing the update now because this morning is filled with embarrassment about all my emotions and depression that couldn't be hidden.  This day is beginning with a blue sky and crisp air, so forgive me for expressing what I felt during the gloom that was yesterday.  And even with this bright sunny day I feel more stupid for having opened up to spill my deepest pain.  Yes I'm still depressed.

You have all been so very kind, and that alone makes me teary.  I'm such an f'd up woman, but maybe that's normal. 

Here's what today looks like out the back door.  Sort of beautiful in it's own way.

I want to give each of you a warm hug.     
Kathy

Kathy-

You needed to open up and feel the loving arms of your friends here on susan's hug you yesterday. You have no reason to feel embarrassed, we are all family here. You are human, not stupid. It's OK.

I'm glad that you are feeling a little better today, and that view out the back is gorgeous 

No worries Kathy 

There are many of us dealing with various issues and coping as best we can, as mentioned, we are all human

I usually try to keep my problems to myself, but sometimes (maybe too often) it spills out and I look like a foolish cry baby of sorts - Silly me

It may sound cliche but I'm sure you have heard the old saying "It could be better, it could be worse" - There pretty much always will be someone who has it better just as there pretty much always will be some who has it worse than we do - That does not discount the various issues that we all as individuals are dealing with because those issues are very real to each and everyone of us

I would venture that this is a large part of the reason support sites come into existence, so we can all be there to lend support to each other regardless of our station in life

I truly hope that things will start looking up for you

Take care

Hugs

V M