QuoteThere is one funny thing I laugh about in this situation, and even it's a dark little pit. I'm politically conservative and that has made me an unknown outsider to the local liberal LGBT community, and since I'm transsexual I'm and outsider the conservative population around me.   Things are so bad I'm even thinking of stopping at the local Republican Party office just to shake things up and watch them flip out as socially awkward transwoman volunteers to work for super conservative politician.  Yeah, if that's what really ends up being my entertainment, BIG WHOOP.  May as well die first.

Welcome to the club. 

Death will come, either by our own hand or inevitably by expiration date. The pain was so great at one point that I too have succumb to the beautiful and freeing thought of the end. In fact I came quite close as I had seen her approach and welcome me with open arms. She wasn't scary, she wasn't dreadful, yet warm and nonjudgmental.

I am still here, I was offered a choice, to go on and put an end to the charade and deceit of the old life, or to walk the path of anew, in truth.
But there was something else, a promise of shelter, "I shall be with you always"

Now, I wasn't a religious person at all, my religion was science. In fact I am not religious at all now, however, from that moment I not only touched but also felt the forces and presence of the creator, the love. I have become spiritual, I now understand what it meant when I made a promise that I shall walk in truth.

I now know what love is and also what happiness means.

It simply is amazing that all we know and the reality around us is made of a dream.
This is the dream we dream. Ego is our undoer, ego a mechanism of existence is based on intellect, a cognitive interpretation of the world and senses we are plugged into. 

Yet, the reality is quite different, it relies on truth of spirit and love of self. Once these are satisfied, we are ready to bestow the love, the force of the universe, the self of creator, onto others.

and as I often say: we can close this chapter with suicide at any minute, it will be over and shut, but if so, closing it now would be such a waste of what is coming next, and if even then the burden will be unbearable, we can always close it then!

If I may pop in, I'd just like to say I really actually enjoy having you around KathyK. I'd miss you. I do know the feeling though. I call it the crushing blackness that sucks out your soul until nothing is left but a hollow shell. A little dramatic? Perhaps. Exactly how it feels.

Countless times over the years I have plotted the method of my demise and each time something made me change my mind...I'm still here and yes things are better (for) now.

OK.  You all have helped me more than you know.  I'm almost back to normal (which isn't that special).  But It's amazing how fast the grey sky and black mood disappeared.

My therapist appointment was wonderful since she understands my failures.  She has a way of helping me with a firm push, but not a shove.  And she made talking to her so very easy. 

I told her how terribly depressed and lonely I was, and how embarrassed I was about it.  Also said that I have to get out of here, and drive back to California soon (by April 1), and that I have to get my life back in order.  She said if the house isn't finished it won't hurt to let it sit, have a contractor finish it, or just sell it as-is.  I know she's right, and I just don't want to face the fact that I can't do it myself.  So while I was working today I had a guy come to the door who was looking for work shoveling snow.  He's laid off this winter from a construction company and I got his phone number.  He lives around the corner from my place, and I'm thinking of hiring him to help with framing and drywall work.  Every little bit helps, and since my check came today I have about $500 if he wants to work.

But the therapist really surprised me by saying she had already gotten her paperwork ready for a referral to the SRS Approval Board, and the surgeon.  Yes, SRS might be ok'd for late Summer or early Fall.  I was stunned, and I'm still smiling about this unexpected news.  It means spending most of my time in California, and putting off the house work over the next four to six months.  But I'm so ready for this dream come true.

Need to make plans fast since I only have about 4 weeks to get my work squared away.

And Michelle, I'll most likely be living in Tahoe for a few months, so I'll call on my next drive through your part of the hills.  I'd love to see you again, and have a nice chat over coffee or lunch.

Again for all of you ...  Thank you so so so much.  And excuse me for being a vulnerable old lady. 

I bookmarked this thread.

The reason is it is so powerful, honest and so close to home.

We all have so much in common. I our thoughts, ideas, dreams and frailties.

Hugs

Quote from: kathyk on February 26, 2014, 12:38:17 PM
There is one funny thing I laugh about in this situation, and even it's a dark little pit.  I'm politically conservative and that has made me an unknown outsider to the local liberal LGBT community, and since I'm transsexual I'm and outsider the conservative population around me.

why don't you just go to the LGBT center and volunteer instead?  just because they are 'liberal' doesn't mean you can't help/socialize with people who can actually empathize with your situation instead of scorning you and treating you like dirt