Quote from: birkin on February 26, 2014, 07:48:44 PM
No Shantel, that's just why I hate warm bathrooms. I just imagine it's been full of bodies emanating heat, and of course, it means lot of people pooped there. lol.

Oh I get it, here's a book you should get, it will help you get past your poo phobia! 

http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Turtleback-Library-Binding-Edition/dp/0613685725

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 26, 2014, 08:01:30 PM
My period.

Not fun for Mr. Hockey and our FtM brothers.

Quote from: Shantel on February 27, 2014, 10:46:00 AM
Not fun for Mr. Hockey and our FtM brothers.

The dysphoria is maddening today.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 27, 2014, 10:55:22 AM
The dysphoria is maddening today.

I understand, hang in there it will pass!

Quote from: Mr Hockey on February 27, 2014, 10:55:22 AMThe dysphoria is maddening today.

Check out the what made you laugh thread, I've got something that will take away your blues, even if just a second.

Everything... there are days when I really hate being alive... I can't stand to any more of this.

This morning I was happy. I walked 6 kilometers, taking breaks to contemple how the nature is beautiful. Then I checked my weight and I reached my lowest weight ever (65.7 kg).

But then I arrived home and my mother was (again) lying on the floor almost unconscious. She got drunk again and couldn't even stand, walk or talk. After spending hours helping her, she started being rude and calling me bad names. Now she thinks I got her meds (controlled meds, she shoudn't take them with alcohol) and hide them somewhere (she is always losing them)!

I feel hate, anger and sadness...I feel completely lost...I want my freedom, but I fear for my mother safety. I can't carry this cross anymore, the weight is killing me! I don't know what to do... I can only cry in despair.

So tired of hiding who I am.  I really don't care if I pass or not, it's got to be better than living as someone else for one more day, right?

My mom and sister think they are getting sick because of my other sister's young daughter that was over here yesterday.  She kept sneezing every where.  I hope I don't catch anything.  This is why I don't like to be around her....

Having to face the fact that transition is not a magic cure all for my problems, in fact to be true to who i am, I have to start big leaps on those problems before even planning

My brother asked for my help with something and then belittled my efforts. I told him that there was no room in the back of the truck for any more boxes - that at most we could fit 2 - so he could stop bringing them up. He goes "yeah I bet you didn't push them back there's tons of room" and I said, no, that we could fit only two more in. That he could go look himself. So he goes "ha, bet I am looking for nothing." He rearranges some boxes, we put more in. Guess how many fit in? TWO. Like I said. So he goes "yeah but we can put the rest in the back." So I start putting stuff in the backseat, it's packed, and I say no more. He says to put more in. At this point, I get pretty angry and say "fine, but I won't be responsible if anything of this stuff breaks." I carry it out (no one holds the door for me so I'm opening it with a heavy microwave in my arms) and he says "pfft, just like dad."

At that point I lose it and yell back "I'M DOING MY BEST." And he just starts going "yeah buddy, so glad you're leaving. So glad you're leaving. You can't handle your stress at all." I stuff the crap in the back, and guess what he does? Rearranges it and then goes "I can't see when I'm driving with this much in the back here."

Yeah, I got stressed! I hate when people ask for my help, and then belittle the help I give them. Especially when I am right! I'm the one putting the boxes in the back, I'm going to be able to see how many can fit better than someone who doesn't even step outside.

I hate people. I'm not an aggressive person, and I prefer to let others take the lead and make decisions because I'm easy-going. But when I speak up, they assume that because I am not the most dominant or aggressive person that I must be wrong. And belittle what I say.

Quote from: Natalia on February 27, 2014, 03:26:08 PM
Everything... there are days when I really hate being alive... I can't stand to any more of this.

This morning I was happy. I walked 6 kilometers, taking breaks to contemple how the nature is beautiful. Then I checked my weight and I reached my lowest weight ever (65.7 kg).

But then I arrived home and my mother was (again) lying on the floor almost unconscious. She got drunk again and couldn't even stand, walk or talk. After spending hours helping her, she started being rude and calling me bad names. Now she thinks I got her meds (controlled meds, she shoudn't take them with alcohol) and hide them somewhere (she is always losing them)!

I feel hate, anger and sadness...I feel completely lost...I want my freedom, but I fear for my mother safety. I can't carry this cross anymore, the weight is killing me! I don't know what to do... I can only cry in despair.

That sounds very difficult. Hang in there hon.

Another person who met me as Victor slipped and called me "she" despite knowing I'm a man.
I posted one of those birthday games on facebook. One of my male friends complained (jokingly, but that's not what bugs me) that all the characters in it are male and that it was "for female fans." Because all women like men and no men like men apparently. Ouch to a few people I know myself included.
I just realized I forgot my notes in the classroom. I may not be getting them back.

I woke up feeling sick, went back to bed, and didn't get up until after 4 PM. 

Quote from: Natalia on February 27, 2014, 03:26:08 PMEverything... there are days when I really hate being alive... I can't stand to any more of this.

This morning I was happy. I walked 6 kilometers, taking breaks to contemple how the nature is beautiful. Then I checked my weight and I reached my lowest weight ever (65.7 kg).

But then I arrived home and my mother was (again) lying on the floor almost unconscious. She got drunk again and couldn't even stand, walk or talk. After spending hours helping her, she started being rude and calling me bad names. Now she thinks I got her meds (controlled meds, she shoudn't take them with alcohol) and hide them somewhere (she is always losing them)!

I feel hate, anger and sadness...I feel completely lost...I want my freedom, but I fear for my mother safety. I can't carry this cross anymore, the weight is killing me! I don't know what to do... I can only cry in despair.

You probably should have taken her to the hospital, taking controlled meds with alcohol is potentially life threatening. You probably could have explained your predicament (being unable to give her the proper care with the way she acts) and they could have helped you enact a plan.
Your mother has problems, bad problems. And they're hurting the both of you.

Finding this very hard at the moment.
The darkness has returned.

Monster league migraine 

Went to bed with a massive pain in my hip joint and hardly slept.

I think my brother  is ,,, treating me extremely like a guy...
wtf I surely dont expect him to call me with female pronouns , but everyday I keep hearing man , boy , dude...


ffs...

I found out today that one of my so called friends has been molesting my daughter I AM SO MAD I have spent all afternoon with the police.  Not the day that I expected.

Even showering in a bathroom attached to my room makes me feel depressed. I see my body, my male boned face covered in acne, my lack of breasts, my body hair that regenerates faster than a flatworm, I just can't feel female after showering. It's almost like my fault female appearance is just a disguise, easily pealed off, not easily put on, never believed, I can't ever feel right with myself, waiting for a miracle to change me overnight. Hormones will take months, years, maybe never get me near where I want. Surgeries help but are expensive and not avaliable to me right now. I just want to lock myself away until everything is done. I don't want to see myself, or have anyone else see me, until then.