Hi everyone! I came here hoping for some advise..

Let me just start off that I am male and identify as gay. I have always identified as a gay male ever since I could remember. I never had any kind of transgender feelings until recently within the last month. I am 26 years old and basically am so confused. Let me also mention that I have severe Pure O OCD which causes a lot of confusion and questioning so honestly I think I am questioning my gender because of my silly OCD but I have to reassure myself because its how my OCD brain works.. It stinks but I have to live with it 

Anyway, a little about my past and why I am questioning my gender.. It was not until about 5th grade that I started to become more of a girly boy. I wore my hair long, a little past my ears and never wanted to cut it! If my mom cut it I would throw a fit and once even had to miss school because I was so sad!! It wasnt until 9th grade that I finally cut my hair short again. I always hung out with the girls growing up, I had a few close guy friends (who are gay now also haha) but besides them I hung out with all girls and always connected with them much better than boys. I wanted to play with barbies and pretend I was dorthy from the wizard of oz and would sometimes wear shirts on my head and pretend it was my long hair. But on the other hand I loved boy things too like legos, power rangers, cars and trucks, and lots of videos games. I didnt like sports except gymnastics and soccer. I dont even remember wanting to wear girls clothes, I was fine with my boys clothes and as I got older I wish I could be accepted more by the boys. They would tease me and call me "gay" or "girl" cuz I was always with my girlfriends and was more fem. I think that is one reason why I still to this day do not connect well with other men, except my gay friends or course. All my friends now are girls or gay boys. I have zero straight male friends and really never had any besides maybe a couple as a child.

During puberty I never had any troubles, anxiety, or depression about my gender. I was excited for my first pubic hair and I can remember wishing my penis would grow bigger and hoping by the time I was older that it would be bigger because I was always insecure about its size. Also, I would worry if I had any sort of bump or something on my testicles, thinking if I ever had testicle cancer and loose one of them that my life would be over! So clearly I have never had any problem with my genitals and still dont.

The main reason I am question my gender is because sometimes I just feel like a woman in my mind. Like in relationships I feel like I should be the one who is pursued and I always looks for more dominant guys, not always super manly gays, but as long as they take charge a little more than I do I will be happy. Maybe that could stem from being insecure or shy but sometimes I wonder if this is more of a woman's trait. I have always been only attracted to other gay males. I never am attracted to straight men, I don't like the way they act, dress, smell, talk, etc.. A lot of things about them annoy the ->-bleeped-<- out of me and I think even if I was a woman I would not want to date one. And when it comes to sex I have always been attracted to gay sex. Hetero sex grosses me out and I have never fantasized about me being a woman and sleeping with a man. I always thinking about me (as a boy) with another boy and during puberty I would watch gay porn for hours and be so turned on and could not wait for my first gay experience.

Sorry I am rambling but I want to get this all out because it has been stuck in my mind for weeks now. So far it probably seems like I am a typical "fem" gay boy but I still have my doubts. Then again I do suffer from the "doubting" disease which is OCD. I honestly think this is my OCD but lately when I look in the mirror I get anxious and my mind tells me I should look like a girl! I know deep down I like looking like a boy but my mind wont stop telling me that I would look better as a female. And not to toot my own horn but I am quite a pretty boy, when my hair was long I would get mistaken for a girl because I have a pretty face and that would make me so mad. People would sometimes even ask "are you a boy or girl" and I would get very offended because I knew I was a boy. When it comes to my style I LOVE androgynous clothing. If I could, I would wear heels all the times. I think their fabulous and love that they make you tall and love the way they make me feel. I'm not into wearing dresses, make up, wigs, fake nails, or anything super girly, but I love clothing that looks very androgynous and when I see girly looking clothing that is actually mens, I get very excited because I love that it can look girly but its actually a men piece of clothing from the MENS section. I always wanted to move to Europe because I love the way men dress, they can look androg and its normal. If some designer created heels for men I think I would wear them in a heart beat!! But I would not want to walk around in womens heels. But does all this mean I could secretly be a woman suppressing my feminine feelings to actually wear women's clothing and be a woman? Or am I just a "fem" gay boy who loves to gender bend a little by wearing androgynous clothing?? I know this is all up to me in the end but I would love any thoughts from others! Also, I could never see myself taking hormones or getting SRS. Deep down I DONT want to be a transexual (no offense because I completely 100% respect the trans community) but I am honestly so scared that I might be and im suppressing my true feelings! Either that or my OCD is taking over my mind like it usually does!!! I just want to be a gay boy who dresses androg like I always have been but since these other thoughts and feelings have pooped up I cannot not get rid of them.

Hey ryguy,

Only you can discover the proper gender identity that matches you, but I really got more of a sense that you are a feminine gay male.  If that's the case, there is nothing wrong with that.  It's just you seem very comfortable being male and don't seem bothered by it.  And it's okay if you enjoy the feminine side of a relationship and like dressing andro. There are many men that feel the same way.  That isn't to say you aren't transgender, but I do know many gay men that feel similar to you and they are not trans. Also, the fact that you don't want to transition or even present as female may be indicative that these are not trans feelings.

Self discovery comes in all forms, but I always feel these basic questions help isolate your feelings.  Do you ever feel like you would be happier as a woman?  Do you long to live the rest of your life as female?  When you look on the inside, what gender do you identify as?  Those questions I feel are realy helpful was to explore where you are and what you want. 

Good luck on your exploration!

Thank you so much for your reply! I appreciate you taking your time to help me out! 

I can you right now that I have always LOVED being a cute gay boy who loves dressing androg and had NO problems with it whatsoever. I would always tease my other gay boy friends who couldn't dress very well and tell them that they need help from me haha  but I know sooooo many gay boys that are MUCH more girly than me and they are fine with being boys. I am fine with it as well and I want my brain to stop tealling me otherwise. I am 90% sure that is is just my OCD. I suffer from a form called "Pure-O OCD" which is awful. It basically makes you believe things you do not want to believe.. I have had many other obsessions in the past but currently I am obsessing over the fact that I might be trans, which has never ever crossed my mind before. I used to think that trans people were just gays who wanted to be girls or guys and I didn't understand it and I would be a little judgmental about it and thought to myself, "I would never do that!" But I am MUCH less ignorant now on the trans community and feel badly for judging trans people in the past and will NEVER ever do that again!! I just dont want to be one myself..

As far as feeling happier if I was a woman? I have no idea... the only reason I would feel happier is because I would feel like I could be flamboyant without people judging me. I feel like around my family I have to "tone down" my gayness, not being they dont accept me but because I was always teased as a kid for being kind of flamboyant. So I feel insecure around some people about my gayness, even if they accept and love me for me. But sometimes I feel like I can be "too gay" if there is such a thing.... But in the past I have always imagined my future as a male, being married to another male (probably a little more masculine than me) and having kids and having a great career. I never imagined myself as a woman. And I don't think I would want to be with a straight male the rest of my life, even if I was a woman I feel like I would still be attracted to gay men because they are so much better (no offense to straight men cuz their not all the same haha) But straight men have always bugged me and annoyed me, even my dad gets on my nerves with his "straight" mannerisms. I think I would be really unhappy if I had to marry and be with a straight male the rest of my life.

When I look on the inside I honestly see a gay boy. But sometimes I just wonder because I "feel" girly on the inside but I always just thought that was the "gay" in me because most gay men are girly and I've always been just fine with that!! And I have plenty of gay friends who are even waaaaay more fem than me! I have always thought "I love being gay! its fabulous and I wouldnt change it for the world!" but for some reason im having seconds thoughts now... I think especially because I am different than a lot of gays I know. I'm very old school and dont like sleeping around and enjoy getting to know someone before I sleep with them. My gay friends would always make fun of me cuz I never hook up with random guys and they say im not a typical gay which I always admired about myself!! But is that just actually because i am truly a woman on the inside? A lot of my straight girl friends feel the same way as me in that aspect so it just makes me wonder....oh life, your such a bitch sometimes.

Quote from: ryguy on February 27, 2014, 06:59:17 PM
Thank you so much for your reply! I appreciate you taking your time to help me out! 

I can you right now that I have always LOVED being a cute gay boy who loves dressing androg and had NO problems with it whatsoever. I would always tease my other gay boy friends who couldn't dress very well and tell them that they need help from me haha  but I know sooooo many gay boys that are MUCH more girly than me and they are fine with being boys. I am fine with it as well and I want my brain to stop tealling me otherwise. I am 90% sure that is is just my OCD. I suffer from a form called "Pure-O OCD" which is awful. It basically makes you believe things you do not want to believe.. I have had many other obsessions in the past but currently I am obsessing over the fact that I might be trans, which has never ever crossed my mind before. I used to think that trans people were just gays who wanted to be girls or guys and I didn't understand it and I would be a little judgmental about it and thought to myself, "I would never do that!" But I am MUCH less ignorant now on the trans community and feel badly for judging trans people in the past and will NEVER ever do that again!! I just dont want to be one myself..

As far as feeling happier if I was a woman? I have no idea... the only reason I would feel happier is because I would feel like I could be flamboyant without people judging me. I feel like around my family I have to "tone down" my gayness, not being they dont accept me but because I was always teased as a kid for being kind of flamboyant. So I feel insecure around some people about my gayness, even if they accept and love me for me. But sometimes I feel like I can be "too gay" if there is such a thing.... But in the past I have always imagined my future as a male, being married to another male (probably a little more masculine than me) and having kids and having a great career. I never imagined myself as a woman. And I don't think I would want to be with a straight male the rest of my life, even if I was a woman I feel like I would still be attracted to gay men because they are so much better (no offense to straight men cuz their not all the same haha) But straight men have always bugged me and annoyed me, even my dad gets on my nerves with his "straight" mannerisms. I think I would be really unhappy if I had to marry and be with a straight male the rest of my life.

When I look on the inside I honestly see a gay boy. But sometimes I just wonder because I "feel" girly on the inside but I always just thought that was the "gay" in me because most gay men are girly and I've always been just fine with that!! And I have plenty of gay friends who are even waaaaay more fem than me! I have always thought "I love being gay! its fabulous and I wouldnt change it for the world!" but for some reason im having seconds thoughts now... I think especially because I am different than a lot of gays I know. I'm very old school and dont like sleeping around and enjoy getting to know someone before I sleep with them. My gay friends would always make fun of me cuz I never hook up with random guys and they say im not a typical gay which I always admired about myself!! But is that just actually because i am truly a woman on the inside? A lot of my straight girl friends feel the same way as me in that aspect so it just makes me wonder....oh life, your such a bitch sometimes.

Hello again,

Don't worry about saying you don't want to be trans.  That doesn't make you judgemental.

On the front that being transgender will allow you to feel less judged, I would reconsider that.  Actually, my family members used to ask me to "just be a gay guy" when I initially came out.  In fact, gays are really becoming more and more accepted.  It's no longer the social taboo topic it once was.  Whereas with transexuals, we are still very much misunderstood.   

Again, I don't want to tell you what you are, but you keep saying that you don't want to be a women and are happy as a fem guy.  Honestly, there is nothing wrong with that.  I feel bad for men (and can relate with this myself) because there is so much pressure for you guys to be masculine at all times and the gender lines are so rigid.  Believe me, there is nothing wrong with being a fem guy.  My best friend is one of the most feminine guys I've ever met (he's even more fem than a lot of women I know) and he lives a happy and succesful life as a man.   If that's what you want and who you are, don't let societies rigid gender roles define who you are.  Be you, whatever that may be. 

Thanks again for another reply, you've been helpful. You are right about the judgement that trans people get from others. It should be more accepted in this world but unfortunately it is not. I think I just meant if I was 100% female I would be able to be as flamboyant as I pleased without people judging. But maybe I still am not 100% comfortable with myself as fem male because I was teased so much growing up. I still sometimes wish I had a deeper voice because I feel like I have to lower my voice when I talk to people, especially straight men because I feel like their judging me for having a higher voice and I might sound "gay."

And another little tid bit that might be TMI but I want to share is that I have always wished I had a bigger penis (Im not sure if I mentioned this or not yet). But every since puberty I would hope and pray that my penis would continue to grow as I got older because I was always insecure about its size. And every relationship I am in I always hope I can please the guy I'm with and that im "big enough" for him. Sorry if thats TMI but it might help to know that.

Quote from: ryguy on February 27, 2014, 10:09:50 PM
Thanks again for another reply, you've been helpful. You are right about the judgement that trans people get from others. It should be more accepted in this world but unfortunately it is not. I think I just meant if I was 100% female I would be able to be as flamboyant as I pleased without people judging. But maybe I still am not 100% comfortable with myself as fem male because I was teased so much growing up. I still sometimes wish I had a deeper voice because I feel like I have to lower my voice when I talk to people, especially straight men because I feel like their judging me for having a higher voice and I might sound "gay."

And another little tid bit that might be TMI but I want to share is that I have always wished I had a bigger penis (Im not sure if I mentioned this or not yet). But every since puberty I would hope and pray that my penis would continue to grow as I got older because I was always insecure about its size. And every relationship I am in I always hope I can please the guy I'm with and that im "big enough" for him. Sorry if thats TMI but it might help to know that.

Believe me, I sympathize with teasing and growing up.  I still struggle with bullying and a lot of drama from my past that is hard to overcome.  The best thing is to know that whenever someone targets you, it's often not because of anything you did.  It's taken me forever to see that, but oddly enough, it really is starting to make sense. There is nothing wrong with being a gay guy, and I wish people were much nicer than they often are.  Still, that doesn't make anything wrong with who you are.

As for the second part, sorry I really can't relate with that.  Everyone transwoman is different, but I'm very dysphoric about my body, especially that area.  And even though I'm interested in men, I find my sexuality is much more similar to that of a female's than a man's.  I'd explain further, but we would be getting way TMI.  In any case, that's another thing that generally is associated with gay men than transwomen.  Again, there is nothing wrong with being gay.  It's perfectly fine and normal. 

you really sound just like a super girly gay guy. and if you're even lucky enough to look that cute... i know so many guys who are just as girly as you at heart, but look too masculine. that's not a very good situation, because there are these stupid stereotypes that people tend to apply to others, making them automatically think that a big, burly guy is an assertive top just because... he has a bigger body? doesn't make sense at all, and makes it difficult for big bottoms to be taken seriously. there's also a lot more pressure on guys with masculine looks, to act masculine. you have so much reason to be happy that you can pull off a girly look to match how girly you feel. you may get a little bit of scorn from some, but at least they wouldn't think you're just joking with them.

and, uh... there's nothing wrong with a girly boy. there's nothing wrong with a girly boy who wants to be treated more like a girl by his gay boyfriend. my best friend might be even girlier than you, but he's still a boy.

do you have long hair now btw?
i know this guy who thinks everybody should have long hair, and never cuts his hair just to prove his point. totally manly creep man, hair length has nothing to do with gender.

Quote from: ryguy on February 27, 2014, 10:09:50 PM
And another little tid bit that might be TMI but I want to share is that I have always wished I had a bigger penis (Im not sure if I mentioned this or not yet). But every since puberty I would hope and pray that my penis would continue to grow as I got older because I was always insecure about its size. And every relationship I am in I always hope I can please the guy I'm with and that im "big enough" for him. Sorry if thats TMI but it might help to know that.

don't worry too much. size queens can be both male and female... you'd only want to date someone who loves you more for who you are than your penis size anyway. and you're still better off than most guys at these forums, you at least have a natural grown one. try imagining if you never had one to begin with, what complexes wouldn't that give you... particularly if you're only attracted to gay guys.