I was wondering if the farther you continue with transition and the more distance you put between your old self and new is there any psychological burden being placed on your psyche by trying to ignore your first 20,30,40 etc. years of life. For some even the first 20 years is a substantial chunk to try to bury. I know I feel my self to be a woman from birth just physically wrong. I even swore at God this morning for doing this to me. I've got a lot of years behind me presenting to the world as physically male. It sucks I wish I could of lived my life totally and properly. The thing is my past is still me. I still existed. I can't ignore that and say that self is irrelevant .I have surgery and yes I am woman , but I can't deny I existed before the present time when I presented female. I can accept myself as totally woman because it's who I've always been. You can say that person that was you died , but that person really didn't die. What I think I'm trying to say is that wouldn't it be better and more psychologically healthy to accept your totality as transgender which would encompass both past and present rather then tying to deny the term transgender once past a certain stage . A major point of the hippie revolution was self awareness and self acceptance. There is no intent here implying any view is right or wrong I'm just suggesting less of a psychological burden by accepting being transgender.

Really struggling with this right now as I'm dealing with a guy who wants to know everything about my life from birth onwards, and is forcing me to examine those periods of my life before transition. It hurst quite a bit because the person I was doesn't feel like the person I am now. I'm used to with boyfriends avoiding my life before transition altogether, or modifying details so that they fit with a hypothetical version of me as a girl / woman. For instance, I went to Catholic school, which had really restrictive uniforms and I would describe the girls' uniforms as though I wore them rather than the boy uniforms.

With the current guy there's none of that... it's all out there for him to see and it scares the living daylights out of me, but it has also become part of the dynamic of our relationship. I don't deny that the person before my transition existed, but it's so hard for me to think of specific situations and times in his life when he was male.

I think you are right stephaniec...

You might like the phrase/identifier,  "I am a woman of transexual history"

It works fairly well for me

What I find hard is talking about my past without disclosing that I was a male. I tend to want people to get to know me and if I close off a large chunk of my life, I'm putting a wall between me and them. It will keep me from getting close to people.

If I were taciturn and not forthcoming about myself, it would be easier, but my female self is an open person, so that makes it difficult.

I understand Stephanie's problem, and I tend to follow Elaina. I say I'm a woman with a different social and biological history. I'm not denying that I'm trans, but trans is what other people call me. Trans is what I have to show to get an F on my license, ss card, passport, etc. Trans is what my therapist and doctor had to write in letters for me to get my female name. But all of those changes took place to confirm my actual identity as a woman. And when I refer to my past, I always refer to myself as a woman who felt forced to live as a man. That phrase doesn't deny that I lived as a man; it rather is an accurate description of my reality until I transitioned.

It's an interesting point.  To be honest, I'm okay with the fact that I'm transexual as long as no one else knows.  If someone else does know, then I wonder how they may react, especially with romantic partners because I just want to be treated like any other woman.  I've thought deeply about this before and have decided to not disclose uncomfortable elements of my past with those who don't need to know.  That's not to say I would hide that I'm trans from a partner, but why should I share something that makes me feel uncomfortable if there is no reason to do so?  I mean it's not like we all share intimate details about our childhood everyday.  So, I'm fine accepting the transgender label for myself to a degree and will feel compelled to tell any romantic partner but if it doesn't need to be known then I'm not going to disclose it.  That might sound like I'm ashamed, but I see it more as ensuring that I'm not discriminated or viewed differently when there is no reasons someone should hold this against me. 

For me, just like most other things in this area, it goes in phases. Sometimes I hate talking and thinking about it, but other times its OK. I still don't tell new people that I meet about my background and cover it over. Generally I hate it and I am crap at lying, but people just assume and I don't bother correcting them. Its pretty much impossible to avoid the thoughts to yourself though, as you are either open to everyone in which case the label is applied to you collectively, or you cover it up which involves actively thinking about it and its impossible to avoid the label when its at the front of your mind.

I was never a male, so I never transition, so I was never trans anything.... so yes, I do have a big problem with the label but...

Oh my, complex...

I value my history good and bad.  My dysphoria is an issue with the body.  I have not even started to scratch the surface of what is male and what is not male in my head.  I honestly don't know.  I don't even think I care.

My identity, my secret identity, is "transwoman".  It encompasses all of me.  I can recover the joy of the past... and I choose to reveal only what I wish to reveal to others.  I know I personally will not reach or attempt to reach ciswoman.  I don't have that desire, my desire is to be a transwoman, stealth or not stealth as I wish it, and to be PROUD of it.  I can draw on strength others may not have, life experience and understanding no ciswoman would dream of having... and resolve my fundamental issues with my body and choking off my feelings... no more....

So for me, I want that.  I did a lot of good things out there before I crashed out.  I still do them, I don't want to leave them behind.

I was sad yesterday for a moment, I saw a pic of me from 2 years ago and I realized suddenly that he was gone... but his legacy lives on.  Even stealth, he's gone.  And thats sad he was a wonderful person.  Yet I am still the same spirit, but in a new understanding of self expression, and the legacy is with me and will carry on, helping as many as I can.

I'm glad that is how it works for me.  I think I'm somehow a little different from most here though.  But accepted and that is priceless to me.

Good luck Steph I always like your posts, you always seek to understand and help others.

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 01, 2014, 05:57:56 PM
Oh my, complex...

I value my history good and bad.  My dysphoria is an issue with the body.  I have not even started to scratch the surface of what is male and what is not male in my head.  I honestly don't know.  I don't even think I care.

My identity, my secret identity, is "transwoman".  It encompasses all of me.  I can recover the joy of the past... and I choose to reveal only what I wish to reveal to others.  I know I personally will not reach or attempt to reach ciswoman.  I don't have that desire, my desire is to be a transwoman, stealth or not stealth as I wish it, and to be PROUD of it.  I can draw on strength others may not have, life experience and understanding no ciswoman would dream of having... and resolve my fundamental issues with my body and choking off my feelings... no more....

So for me, I want that.  I did a lot of good things out there before I crashed out.  I still do them, I don't want to leave them behind.

I was sad yesterday for a moment, I saw a pic of me from 2 years ago and I realized suddenly that he was gone... but his legacy lives on.  Even stealth, he's gone.  And thats sad he was a wonderful person.  Yet I am still the same spirit, but in a new understanding of self expression, and the legacy is with me and will carry on, helping as many as I can.

I'm glad that is how it works for me.  I think I'm somehow a little different from most here though.  But accepted and that is priceless to me.

Good luck Steph I always like your posts, you always seek to understand and help others.

well, thank you for the kind words, I try

I know you do dear, keep at it, it shows and its important

It gets easier, ladies. Just keep doing your thing. It'll take a couple of years for you to figure out how to put it all in perspective and keep it straight in your mind but it'll happen. My advice? Poke it around a little from time to time but spend more time reading accounts of other women. Biographies, articles, stories from other *women* (try to avoid trans narratives, your journey is your own.) Get into some feminism (no, seriously) and really reach out into the world as yourself.

A helpful tip I can offer is to keep reminding yourself of that awesome moment *right* as you started transitioning when everything else fell away and you were left with the scary but awesome feeling of finally being yourself without the false-persona. It's a lynchpin for many of us and reminding myself of both how that felt and how it felt before I decided to start doing my thing helped tremendously.

You may think that I'm not addressing your question but self-acceptance is the key for accepting your whole past and integrating it into your reality without friction or unease. Once you're comfortable with yourself, the rest is really easy.

Be well, cupcakes.

Quote from: mandonlym on March 01, 2014, 10:55:38 AM
Really struggling with this right now as I'm dealing with a guy who wants to know everything about my life from birth onwards, and is forcing me to examine those periods of my life before transition. It hurst quite a bit because the person I was doesn't feel like the person I am now. I'm used to with boyfriends avoiding my life before transition altogether, or modifying details so that they fit with a hypothetical version of me as a girl / woman. For instance, I went to Catholic school, which had really restrictive uniforms and I would describe the girls' uniforms as though I wore them rather than the boy uniforms.

With the current guy there's none of that... it's all out there for him to see and it scares the living daylights out of me, but it has also become part of the dynamic of our relationship. I don't deny that the person before my transition existed, but it's so hard for me to think of specific situations and times in his life when he was male.

yea, I went to a catholic grade school and I much rather picture mysrlf through those years in the proper uniform. Plus I had a boy friend in those beginning years and it just fits better.

Wow, that is an excellent question.

Right now I am looking at it as the word transgender is an unnecessary adjective...

I am a trans woman
I am a red haired woman
I am a blue eyed woman
I am a short woman
I am a Caucasian woman
I am an agnostic woman

I am a woman. Adjectives are not needed.

I didn't start to transition until I was 45. I can't deny that the first 45 years of my life happened. Particularly when it comes to seeking employment. I have nearly 30 years of work history under a different name. I'm thing to find the perfect balance between stealth and being in people's faces about it.

For the most part I don't think that it is any more necessary to disclose that I was once perceived to be a man than it is necessary to disclose that I managed a Taco Bell one summer when I was 30. Yes it happened, but the past is the past. Other than clearing up discrepancies with my name in my credit and employment history, I don't see why it needs to be talked about.

Hrmm, the biggest problem for me is not having a normal past as a girl, cuz I didn't have a past as a boy to bury so much as just an empty life. I never call myself trans with people though unless I absolutely have to to get them to understand me. I don't like it, I think it is stigmatizing, I just wanna be normal and no different from cis people..

well, here I go into unfriendly waters, but I really think people are making way to big of issue of being seen as trans, No matter how you look at it if you came out of the womb as one gender and physically change to another gender your trans. You were probably your proper gender before you came out of the womb ,but physically wrong. Yea societies  idea of what's proper and what's not is screwed up but it also changes with knowledge and understanding. I just find it incredibly difficult to understand what's wrong with being a transgender. It's undeniably what you are no and , if's or buts about it. You can have the world view you as "cis" if you want but really your not. Can't we just accept ourselves and move forward. To be honest to deny how I physically presented to the world the past 40 or more years is some what ludicrous . I'm sorry even if you're allowed to change gender at 12 you're still a transgender . Wouldn't it be a whole lot easier to accept who you are and have society evolve to view all the different colors of the human species are part of natures beauty than forever viewed as the broken branch that doesn't belong. Transgenders    will never go away as long as we have a male and female aspect to our species. The only way for positive change in society is for positive change in our view of ourselves .I'm sorry I just needed to get this out. I truly mean to cause no harm to any one its just a point of view expressed on an open forum. As far as I'm concerned as long as I'm can walk around as a female I'm happy.

It seems that, for me at least, the issue is the choice between self acceptance and the acceptance of others.

Option 1 - I am who I am and people can think what they want but I will be me, however I am. That is, at least from one perspective, the point of transition; to be your true self, no? And hiding and lying about your past is contrary to that.

Option 2 - I can cover over my past, so that *other people* accept me for the person I am.

I may be wrong, but that is how I am thinking about it right now.

I am not sure either how to solve this. I had little issues up to now with others as my past was neutral enough to tell most of it no problem and i transitioned at 23. I thought of myself as a transwoman or transgender for some years, but really since i internally dripped that identification and acknowledged that my identity is just that of a woman who had to deal with a sex misassignment at birth due to some genetic issue, i feel better. That is how i see myself and i try to formulate answers to other people that brings that across. Using the shortcut transgender does not describe me well as it provokes different associations in other people. Occacionally i use transsexual if i have to disclose to a doctor to get my hrt or such. It still doen not fit, but is a better match. So "woman with a transsexual past" is maybe good - "bsbds woman" would be better but that label is not yet in use by many

BSBDS?