I spoke to Dr Lyons secretary today on the phone, she explained I must write a letter to him, which I have done. I am a bit worried about it and I give a history of who I am. However, I wanted to share aspects of it here with all names/addresses removed. Is that fine or is it somehow deemed offensive to others?

I feel it would be very therapeutic to share my background after having to open up in the letter and I think it is time I shared my story with others too. Also perhaps it would help to let others see we all have a lot to face in our journey and in some ways we are all very alike.  Obviously I won't be sharing a private letter to a therapist, although I would like to share =aspects= of my story that I included. In this way it lets me face it in a safe manner and in doing so come to terms with it. In fact I will likely read it again in the future when I get lost along the way.

As one of Rob's patients. I'd be more than happy to give a look over for you..

You didn't do anything wrong Sarah. I've worked at hospital for almost a decade and before a brief stint as a dental assistant.

If it's one thing that's universal it's that the entities that fund and approve health care do not look at the patient as a person. They look at you as a number on a page.

Most of the doctors I have ever worked with and their staff have had to fudge diagnosis and care plans to get it passed for approval and funding. Just because they wrote the system doesn't mean they have the right to deny you care. And it's no more wrong than telling the truth to a computer. It doesn't always understand the context of the data that you entered and sometimes you have to enter a lie to get the damned thing just to do its job as intended.

You did not do anything wrong.

From here on, get used to telling people in the medical industry you are trans.

I know all too well the nervous excitement you are feeling. You wait so long, then WOAH, it can move very fast... and then once you start HRT, things slow down again.

Have fun!

Thank you everyone for the support. As I said earlier in my post I need to vent by telling my story. I won't be including the letter I want to sent to Dr Lyons (gender therapist). But I will be sharing part of who I am and the "type of info" I might tell him. This is a very private thing, but in saying that I need to address it by "putting it out there" in a way that I feel comfortable. If you do not want to read it, I understand, but I do ask you do not pass judgment on who I am please. I did many things to survive in my teens which I am not proud off.

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I was born in 1978 in Northern Ireland, to a father in the Armed forces, and a mother who at the time was a Nurse.  My early years from birth to five were, as I understand rather uneventful. Around the age of five-six years of age, I began to explore my gender and was surprised to realize, I was somewhat different from my male cousins and friends. To the best of my recollection, it was a rather slight progression at first, with a desire to not play with other males and instead a desire to play with my sister, her friends and engage in more female gender typecast role-play, such as playing mums, dressing dolls and a longing to grow my hair like theirs. My biological father however stopped this, as it was "unacceptable" that I was disinterested in his perceived notion of gender.  At approximately 6 ½ - 7 years old my family fled Ireland and were relocated in the Lake District in England. My father was not present for days at a time and I again started to engage in gender role-play activities. Our house was very old and large so I clearly remember the first time I took my sisters tennis clothing, a white skirt/white top and hair band. After sneaking, away with it I hide in the old bedrooms at the back of the house playing with her dolls. Indeed, I ran away from school several times and wore her other clothing at the park. This happened on and off whenever I got the chance.  At 8 years old, we returned to Ireland, during which I witnessed the direct murder of family members through acts of sectarian violence. Due to these events, I was formally diagnosed with a form of PTSD, which caused me to withdraw from people and become isolated. At some point, I made a friend (lets pretend his name is Paul) who I formed a strong connection too. He was a little older than I was at the time (2-3 years older) we spent almost every day together playing, riding bikes and going to school together. 

On Halloween one year (I was 10 now) we dressed up as super heroes, I told Paul that I wanted to dress as cat woman; he thought this was very funny and decided to dress as batman so we could go together. We made our own costumes and attended the party; he told none who I was and I remember feeling happy as a girl as if it was perfectly normal, joking with other females and other boys treating me like a female. I think deep down Paul knew I was "different" as he referred to me as his girlfriend that night. After that night I stole a girls school uniform from a clothesline in the early hours of the morning (2-3am) and started skipping school once every few weeks to hang out with Paul (there was no sexual contact, it was very platonic). I would dress in the uniform, with a my chin length hair and we would get the bus 20miles into the city of Belfast. During our trips, we would go to museums, libraries and to large shopping centres to socialise, read and to allow me to enjoy my passion for art and history. One day I came home and was confronted by my biological father in his Officers uniform, he took me into the house and showed me the large bag of girls clothing I had hidden behind the water heater. He dragged me by the hair into the sitting room shaved my head, flogged me with his polished military belt and forced me to burn each item in the coal fire.

I clearly remember feeling like my whole life was being ripped from under me and in a screaming fit, I broke down and told him I wanted to be a girl. He was enraged and he told me, "I will not have a ->-bleeped-<-got son." Then he knocked me unconscious with his fist. He never told anyone including my mother about the event or clothing, as he appeared to be ashamed of me and as far as I can deduce he never spoke of it again to anyone.
At 11 years old, my mother divorced him, and our lives were again put in danger by sectarian violence, as I was being recruited to carry weapons for certain parties or they would kill my siblings. This time my mother abandoned everything we owned including our family home, moved my sister, brother and I to Australia. I stayed in contact with Paul for several months during which he opened up to me and I him. He reported that he had started to develop a physical attraction to me and it confused him as he seen me as a female only in his mind, but added he was not gay. However, he wished I were biologically a girl so we could be together. I was extremely upset by this, and fearful of my own desire to be a girl. I wrote back several times after his letter telling him I wished I was a girl too, and I missed his friendship and that perhaps when I am older we could see each other again. He never wrote again. I later found him on facebook when I was in my late twenties. He was married with two children and he explained he was still confused years later as he thought about me from time to time and why he had been attracted to me.  He blocked me on facebook not long after and I have not made contact since as I sensed these feelings upset him.

I continued to dress in private as a girl, often sneaking out late at night to walk the streets as a girl, at this point I started to grow my hair out and contemplate more and more about why I was trapped in this body. I became angry and began to attend a local nightclub I was 5,5 ft- 5,6 ft tall at that time and 14 years old so I could easily pass as a 18 year old female with my height. I started to drink and hang around older people. After six months, my mother noticed the drinking and I was kicked out of home. She never knew about the going out as a woman and I think still does not know my true feelings. Over the next 12 months I got into drugs, and contemplated death on occasions to escape my sorrow. Throughout the next few years, I got in trouble with the law for drinking, driving fast cars and became a street kid in -my home town-, Adelaide and for a short period in Sydney. 

Indeed, for my many years, I have felt somewhat different from my peers, family and others I have met. To some extent, I have masculine features, and male anatomy. I enjoy video games, martial arts, fast cars and find women very visually appealing. Yet I have no male friends instead enjoying the company of other women, and the sense of belonging I gain within their sisterhood. Something I tend to hide from others as well as I can, but it has raised many questions by other males and on occasion other women. Over the years I have  been asked if I am homosexual or heterosexual as I can be both very feminine in my mannerisms and yet very masculine when confronted with situation of extreme fear or times that I am required to protect others from harm.  I have dreamt all my life about being a woman and can become very emotional over the subject, becoming mildly depressed and distressed. I have dress as a female more often than I care to admit. Indeed, from the age of 15-21 I dressed 80% of the day as an androgynous female, with long hair, and plucked eyebrows. I spent my nights as a full time female or when outside of my hometown, often attended bars, restaurants and social settings as a woman with breast forms etc. Indeed, I only reverted to "male mode" in situation that required it such as formal appointments or family events. At 21 years of age, testosterone took its toll on my body, I gained the beginnings of facial hair and my body bulked up with muscle. Oddly, I did not enter puberty at all until I was 18-19 years old and at first, it was slow with limited changes, chest hair and a slight deepening of my voice. By 23, I was very much male looking with the need to shave every three-four days, established body hair and a deep male voice.

In my early twenties I even tried to hide my gender by dating a girl for a few years, but ultimately it failed when she found out I was dressing as a female in her clothing and I told her I felt like a female in a male's body. She called me a abomination and never spoke to me again.  At about 23ish years of age I got into drugs more heavily and drinking, I joined a Adelaide street gang, stealing food and clothing (lucky I never hurt people or got caught). I did everything I could to appear male, cut my hair short, got a tattoo, and got in fights to prove I was a "real man." However, the feelings were always below the surface and I could not hide it. Instead, I met another girl and convinced myself I should get of the substances, settle down and have a child, as a good Irish boy is required to. I think looking back on it, I did loved her and I have always been attracted to females, I find them very attractive in fact, but I think some males are fine in their own particular way. I would not say I could not love one, I just never pushed the point.

We had a son quickly. Unfortunately, after my son was born she became violent towards me, leading to her being the perpetrator of domestic violence, one night I woke to her raping me, and I tried to leave her. She beat me with a steel rod and threaten to kill our unborn daughter if I did not comply. After she was born, she abandoned both the children (1 ½ year old male and 2 week old female). I gained full custody and hatched a plan, I would attended University, gain a degree, save up some money for a home and hopefully the feelings would go away. Instead, they became extremely strong; I became more depressed put on a lot of weight (120kg) and started to hide from the world. In November 2013, I found a peer review article on transgender people and decided I could not take it anymore and have since lost weight (currently 97kg). I have dropped hints with my children the last three months about "daddy has a girls brain and what would it mean if his body changed too?" they both seem unsure and perhaps distressed as my daughter said but I only want my daddy! So for now I have stopped dropping hints out of fear. But I still want to become a woman on the outside.

Thank you for reading. I will likely read this again from time to time. Also do you think I should tell Dr Lyons this stuff or not?

Hi Sarah Leah,

Thank you for trusting us with your story.

I cannot see any reason why you should not share this story with any therapist you feel you can trust.  From what you have written so far, you seem to have some trust in Dr. Lyons ability to be able to help you.  My opinion would be an unequivocal "yes".

But I do not know Dr. Lyons.  Kelly (aka: The Post-Trans-Rebel) does, and she has offered you her help & support.  I know Kelly from another trans website also.  I have found her to be intelligent, supportive & honest.  I strongly recommend you take her up on her offer of support.

Be well 

Tessa

Hi Sarah Leah,

A life story, pretty much like I spent my first 2 sessions with him talking about. Don't think you can shock him, you can't. Some of the specifics may surprise him, but none of it will shock him. He'll ask questions about stuff that interests him - and some things he asks about might seem odd.. At least they did to me.

Just a tip, he does have a sense of humour, it can be a tricky to unearth though. You may find him a little on the detached side, I did early on - and I know he does that for his own sanity.

If you have any other questions, feel free to ask..

Cheers,
K - The Post-Trans-Rebel

well, your story is a bit more rough then my , but the nuts and bolts are the same. Boy friend, clothes, drugs, for me a little prostitution, ect. I'm sorry you had to deal with your father like that. I went out a lot my self dressed properly I'm of Irish descent , but born in US. Well, half Irish half English. I'm sure you'll get the understanding you need. Therapy been great for me and you really can't say any thing that hasn't been heard before one way or another.

Thank you for the feedback it helps more than you all might guess

So a quick update:
I took my two children out for ice cream at the park yesterday. It was 40 degrees celsius so it was nice to escape the heat of the house for a few hours (no A/C at home). We were talking about diversity within Australian society and what it means.  Indeed, we spoke about refugees and how it was important to understand the struggles of humanity. Mind you my kids are seven and nine so for most kids this is not a topic they talk about, but in our home the three of us share our thoughts, feelings and I try to be a moral compass for them. I believe that modelling and open communication is essential. Nevertheless,  the topic of homosexuality came up and I asked my son, "is it weird that some boys kiss others boys?" He did not even stop to think and replied, "No its different heheh... but we have no right to judge others. Everyone should be happy and people are what you are. " His response made me smile.

When we got home I decided to show them a few videos on youtube. I showed them a youtube video about a little girl who was born a boy, a few of adults all of whom are female now. My daughter thought the people were very pretty and they both did not seem unset or confused "outside of a few questions." I explained that some people are born with the wrong body and in this case, these people had girls brains and feelings, so now they had changed their body to match their brains. Much later, my daughter took my hand and said, "Daddy you said your brain is not like other boys." She explained that her brother and her had been discussing it and wondered if I was like the people in the youtube videos.

I was freaking but I took a deep breath and stated, "Yes but my body is not ready even if my brain is so it might not happen straight away, but in time my body would change." She ran away and I could hear them speaking in whispers. I was tucking in my son to bed and he hugged me and said, "I love you dad but I need to speak to you and so does –his sister-." I though oh god what have they done now heh! They got a pillow of the bed and told me to sit on it. Then they got a bit of paper from under a book and asked me questions they had written down. Now mind you I answered them but... I will lie as I had to twist it a bit so they would not freak out.

•   1.) What is wrong with your brain dad?

I stated nothing, but my brain is sad, as it wants to be a girl and it is becoming more loud. I tried to say no to it for years, but it wants my body to be a girl too. So very soon, I will see a doctor to try to fix my body. ( I had to twist the words a tad, but I think for now it is easier to do it this way)

•   2.) What will change in your body daddy?
I explained, I would grow long hair get a fat bum! Moreover, I might get breasts (my daughter started laughing her head off at this and my son rolled his eyes as I pretended I had breasts)

•   Will you kiss boys!
I said no I like girls right now so its not likely.

•   Will you wear girl clothing as you have a fat tummy and it will look like you have a baby in there?
I explained no, but maybe one day my brain will ask me to wear something's like girl jeans. ( My son rolled his eyes and stated, "So let me get this right old man you will get boobies! (lol) wear girl jeans and have long hair like the photos of you as a kid?" I said "maybe why?" He grumbled and said, "because if you do that I won't be allowed to stay up late on Saturdays or play xbox anymore, because mums stop their kids from doing that." I just looked at him and laughed out loud suggesting is that what worries you? He said, "Well yeah because that would suck."

•   Will it happen now or will it takes ages?
I said once I see the doctor we will look at what it means and if he thinks it is a good idea to start doing things for my body to help my brain, then in a year or two I will look like a woman. But I will still be dad.
They looked at me oddly and said "ok." Then my daughter punched my arm and did a silly face all the while laughing saying, "goodnight mr girl-daddy" and ran back to bed. My son said, "mmm as long as it is not for a while I guess, and does granny and poppy know?" I said no it's a secret and one I do not want to share as I might get sad. He hugged me and whispered, "I love you and I will not tell anyone if it will hurt you dad." Then he went to sleep.

I will talk to them again later and ask them some question in a few days to gauge their feelings more in depth. However, I think I just got past the first hurdle with them as they seemed unsure, but not negative. I know I twisted words to make it easier to understand and I never told them I dressed as a girl in private or cried about it etc. Nevertheless, this is a start I feel comfortable with and in time I will elaborate more on it with them in small gentle steps.

I feel like I did the right thing in my heart, but it was hard

That was an unusual conversation but It sounds like you handled it well. I suspect they will have more questions as time goes by and it was thought out by them to ask. They must have felt safe enough to ask and that is a good start.

Yeah agreed, they asked more odd questions an hour ago. I just rolled with it and tried to explain I will not be a girl for a few years on the outside. What makes it hard is living in a little community and the shock it will cause for them if they speak about it at school, after all they are only 7 and 9 years old so it might come up in a conversation they have by mistake, then it might cause them to get harassed. So I tried to suggest it would be better to keep it private for now.

I'd say you did a great job. Gives you plenty of time

You did what was necessary to deal with outright bigotry and still reach a point where you can receive the medical care you need and deserve. If anyone is at fault, it would be those that tried to hold you back.

Been saving for laser ($350 saved) so I can get started on my face. Only to find out there is nowhere for 500kms that does laser. The only one I found was the intense pulsed light IPL, and she could not give me a cost or if it will work on a mans face!!!! Is it worth doing IPL even or not. Here is a photo of my hair three days after my last shave (not on hrt still). Do you think it will work on my face, as I have a slight Australian bronze to my skin heh!







Wow I look terrible in photos. I hate them so much I just wish I did not look like this ugly guy

You might consider a home laser kit, like a Tria.

Is it any good, I have limited funds so I have to be careful. As in is it as good as a laser from a professional and will it take as long or longer to do anything?

Also thank you for the help

Any of the Silk Laser clinics will do proper laser..

 

Quote from: The Post-Trans-Rebel. on February 14, 2014, 06:11:23 AM
Any of the Silk Laser clinics will do proper laser..

I live in rural SA, sadly that precludes me from attending the city without a 5-6 hours drive each way. Although on a side note it was not IPL instead we have an electrolysis person who visits nearby at a doctors clinic!!! Which makes me a bit upset that there is no laser treatment. Also she is booked for up to 12 months in advance and only works with referrals from gps. I have the worst luck heh. I guess I will wait for to see the psychiatrist and keep dropping weight while I wait for HRT to be on the books.

Been feeling lost recently, I donated almost 95% of my female clothing to the salvos and have been trying to keep to myself more. In many ways I am getting depressed as there is no support here in my town. Everything is 5-6 hours way:

• No laser treatment
  
• No doctors that I trust
  
• No one I can sit with and just talk
  

So pretty much woe is me

I have been trying to drop weight for three months and I still look like a fat guy, which has caused me to cry in my room the last few days. I just wish I was able to start laser and speak to a specialist sooner, as I am beginning to feel very alone and lost. Not that I would contemplate anything, far from it. But I feel the walls I create from 21ish to 30 years old are trying to rebuild around me again in a fable attempt at shielding my true feelings.

I looked in the mirror and I could not breath today, I seem to be stuck in this foul flesh prison that I can never escape, one that shackles me to the ground and leaves me screaming for sustenance ever single second of the day. Yet conversely I have lied to myself for so very, long that I have begun to  fall for my own propaganda. This alone forces me to wallow in self hatred loathing the person I personified in order to survive.

There are morning when I wake only to plummet into that long forgotten abyss of my own folly, clawing and gnashing once more as the slumber of the night is fractured and the splendour of being free in my dreams is confronted with the harsh reality of another day as a lonely prisoner of my own biology.

Sorry to prattle on but I feel a tad down trodden at the moment  Perhaps I am once again an emotional mess lol. But I will keep my head up because it is what the Celts do best

That 2nd from last paragraph describes me every morning from age 10 to age 50ish. 

It passed along with my shedding my ignorance of what was wrong. The methods of correcting that are at an impasse right now, but it is still better. I hope you can get yourself out of that pit. I don't have support in my town either, nor Endo's or any other doc, or therapist, etc. I come here or phone the few people I care to speak to and that seems to be enough. I hope you can get to that place or move to a place that has the resources you need.

Meanwhile, huggles.