Hey everyone,

I'm really keen to hear thoughts back on the issue below, as I'm really confused & internally quite upset. The issue in question, I feel is gender related, but not necessarily identity related - I seem increasingly secure regarding my bigender MTF identity, its more of an issue in how I fit that in with my sexuality and sense of self.

I've recently been able to dress up en-femme and was well received and appreciated for it. Recently, I've been courted by two people - one female, one male - who are both wonderful, very giving and each very unique. I've been very touched by their advances, they're so accepting & appreciative of who I am - personality, my being transgender, etc. I feel quite emotional because of they're being like this. I feel very lucky and shocked by this all. They have expressly stated that they're entirely supportive if I were to transition (would still find that attractive, etc) to whatever degree but they also state that that they like me as I am currently. Ultimately they're happy whichever way I go. They are both gender-fluid and open-minded themselves (despite being happy with their birth-sex). I am very open about my being transgender around them, I dress very feminine and they openly enjoy this about me as much as I appreciate their own diversity, identities and personalities.

What troubles me is that... I feel overwhelmed by this situation, fearful, and highly alarmed by my indecision and general unexplainable sadness. I should be ecstatic right now, and I am, but I also feel lost, frightened and confused. Its as if their praise & attention is directed towards a third person, as If it's not really me that they like. This, perhaps could be a sort of imposter syndrome, and perhaps is an issue of its own and not relevant to this forum.


To sum up - I don't understand my sexuality at all. I feel attracted to women strongly, and yet find it difficult performing when with them. I find many guys attractive and enjoy being touched and receiving attention from them, but I feel something is missing sexually - there's a spark missing somewhere. It's like both of my sex-drives are lacking something, something in my head and heart just isn't right. And therefore any romantic or sexual encounter with a girl or guy (or both) feels somehow incomplete, either emotionally or sexually. My mind sends me mixed messages, so often my desire just disappears and I become frigid and melancholy. I feel awful about this and incredibly guilty. I've felt like this since I first started dating when I was 17. I avoided relationships and encounters for most of my teens as my ability to connect with people intimately and experience orgasms was so fragmented and unpredictable that it just caused too many issues with those I would be with.

I love feeling feminine and looking feminine, but sexuality just seems to complicate all that. Much of my head just seems to want withdraw from dating and sex, despite the fact I adore desire, romance and intimacy. I am so tired and fed up with feeling so disconnected from the whole experience with other people. I don't hate my male parts and I'm more chilled-out about my body now that I feel more confident in changing it if and when I go through with it. I seem to have massive hangups regarding sex and how it fits in with my identity and I I have no idea why.

I can't even seem to be able to explain this issue properly, I can't quite marshal the thoughts I need to write. Feel free to ask questions, but if anyone, ANYONE feels of similar sentiment or has had similar experiences, please do comment, however brief.

I wish to unravel this major issue(s?) so that I can see whether its related to the general gender identity issue, or whether its more of a personality issue that separate therapy may cure.

Thanks

I think you've explained it very well. I understand completely what you're saying. It correlates in many ways with my frustrations I'm having between my gender identity and my sexuality. Since I'm still struggling, unfortunately I have no suggestions how to bring them into a healthy balance.

Thank you for your response Nikko It is, at least, helpful to know that its been encountered here before, and that I appear to have explained it accurately. Now, hopefully their may be some insight into exactly what the cause of it is, and what may be able to help remedy it.

In my opinion, I think the main issues come from your self acceptance. It is hard for people who are not happy with themselves, to accept fully that people accept them and are attracted to them. Since I do not actually know you, I cannot say for certain that that is what is going on here. However, it is a very common feeling.

 I think you did a stellar job explaining it. (edit: I didn't realize your name was Stella when I used that adjective lol)

I think you're very wrapped up in it all and letting that take over your head which is a understandable and not your fault but maybe you can become more comfortable with time.

I too have posted about being very typically attracted to cis women but just not being able to perform. For clarity, I am a guy and content with that.

my life improved when I stopped over thinking fighting my sexuality. While its important to understand your attractions,  dont get lost in wondering why they are what they are.

I've come to believe that while labels can be nice for broad strokes, we have to be careful not to paint ourselves into a corner.

Thank you for the comments

Yes, I think....well, am actually noticing, I have lots of issues regarding my lack of self-worth, self-esteem and yes, most likely self-acceptance. I will be seeking to get therapy for these issues soon, as I'm truly sick and tired with feeling so alienated, confused and depressed with myself. I had an awesome weekend where two different people told me they really liked me, and then I was praised at work for a project I completed, and yet....I still feel awful. A sense of failure and weariness and pointlessness, that nothing is real, and I'm a helpless tumbleweed blowing in the wind.

So yes, though my brain accepts - on a LOGCIAL level - that people can find me attractive (as I recognise my qualities), I do however still FEEL a deep "why the hell do you fancy me?!" sense of self-hate.
Emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess on the inside. Somehow though, It never seems to show :p I appear quite stable on the outside.

Brooke777 - Perhaps I can't accept I am TG, and not cis-normative as well?

Sagitilicious - Haha, I always chuckles when I hear the word "interstellar". May I ask briefly why you've had trouble performing? What were you over-thinking regarding your sexuality? Feel free to send me a link to your posts if you like.

QuoteI've come to believe that while labels can be nice for broad strokes, we have to be careful not to paint ourselves into a corner.

Very true!

The whole sexuality thing has really messed with my head recently. I just feel so bloody confused. I juut never feels fully right however I present. It feels a bit depressing & unrewarding as a guy, and it feels a bit weird and frightening as a girl. I have a high sex drive which I enjoy, but yet I don't seem to be able to feel free and enjoy my sex-drive and desires (for both guys and girls and with myself in the roles of a guy and a girl) unless I'm alone and going solo. Even with the most caring and friendly people I still feel I can't be myself unless I am alone. Only when I'm completely alone does the way I feel inside seem to make sense, I feel at peace. But as soon as I have to interact with people, and especially when its sexual as its such a personal experience, I just feel incomplete and fake.

You shouldn't regard these experiences as fake or feel that way about yourself.

You might not understand who you are in the grand scheme of things but you and your suitors understand the moment. They seem not attracted to a boy or to a girl, but to you.

Don't be harsh on yourself

Stella, don't let the sexuality part weigh you down.  What's wrong with bi-sexuality, or even pan-sexuality?  A close relationship should be about companionship, IMHO.

Accepting oneself is the key, I think.  We are who we are.  In my case, I know I have a girl inside as well as a guy inside.  The guy might only be the result of being socialized as male, but the girl never had that opportunity for socialization.  Even in my 50s, I am learning things about myself I should have been exposed to in my teens.

I have been ready to give up on myself, but I keep plugging away.  Maybe someday I'll get there.  You have a huge headstart, with friends who accept you.  Build on that.

Honestly Stella, this is something that you are going to have to work out in your own head. I can give some advice and first is that you mentioned guilt. Why? There is nothing really for you to feel guilty about. Unless you may feel guilty about two admirers but just have a little fun with the flirtyness and getting to know them and then decide. There is no timeline on having sex. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to both males and females, I am attracted to both myself. And yes like you there seemed to be something lacking when it came to sex, seemed like I was holding way back emotionally and intimately. You have to let yourself go in the moment and that is the part you have to work out in your head. Until then there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself and letting go. You just have to try to take those feelings of openness and allow them to happen with someone else. I believe that romance and intimacy makes us somewhat vulnerable and that vulnerability just as their own vulnerability to you is the exciting part and provides for the closeness and intimacy of two people.