I just broke up with my girlfriend of ~four months; she's gone off to study abroad in france, and I'm back in New York, so just to be clear, I didn't call it off just because of the issues I'm talking about here.  Though in truth, this specific issue was a huge part of it.

When I met Maxen (her given name, btw), I was under the impression that she was just figuring out her identity as a lesbian.  She was and is more femme presenting than masculine, and it always seemed like she liked it that way.  I know that she was still on the fence as to her sexual orientation...anyhow, we got along well enough, and started dating pretty seriously.  One night, while we were out at a particularly smokey hookah bar, she saw the name of my therapist (a gender specialist) on my phone, and commented that she knew his  name.  We talked about it later that night, and I found out that she had seen him because the year prior, she had had been struggling with some gender issues...or at least, issues surrounding her gender.  She's always had ocd, and that's the explanation she gave me.

She said that she had started obsessing over her gender a year back; she told me about an obscure type of OCD (which I've actually heard of before) in which straight (or gay) people will obsess over and doubt their sexual orientation-so straight people who aren't and don't want to be gay will think they are.  It sounds a bit fringe, I know, but after discussing what she'd been feeling with her, I don't know.  Her obsession (or so she said) was with gender identity, and not orientation...I tried to comfort her, tell her it was ok to be whoever she (or he) wanted to be...I don't know, the relationship was failing pretty miserably after that, every time we went out she's start crying, and would always tell me that being around me was triggering for her.  Anyhow, she would always tell me when she was in a better headspace that she KNEW she wasn't transgender for three reasons: First, because her feelings had begun very suddenly (which sort of happened to me).  Second, because she had tried presenting in a more masculine way and didn't like it.  And third, because she didn't want to transition-she would talk about it like something she had no choice to do, like going to the dentist, and that she'd be miserable as a man, but had no say in the matter.

Now, I can only speak from my personal experiences, but I'm not entirely sure that this was just her being in denial about her dysphoria...a lot of what she talked about DID sound like what I went through, but it also seems like she genuinely wants to be a woman, and is completely sure she'd be happier as one.  I'm not entirely sure what's going on, and now that we are no longer together, I figured I would ask around...she's told me that she's doing a lot better, that most of this has gone away for her.  I know that oftentimes, we as a community tend to almost aggressively encourage transition, but I'm looking for balanced opinions here.  Even though I had to call it off because I couldn't deal with both her mental issues and my own, I still want to be there for her (or them, or him).  Any advice is welcome; I'm finding myself in foreign waters.

Give me a minute on this one, but know that I am here and trying to formulate an answer.

OK. I think it sounds like Dysphoria because growing up I obsessed over gender preference all the time. I found out in Therapy that could be a sign of Dysphoria. I am not saying it is of course, but thinking back I went through this very struggle intermittently all the time. I would obsess then put on my false face and identity and then do it all over a few months later. I dealt with it by over compensating and going all Alpha Dog on people. The only problem is I knew the debate in my head would keep returning unless I dealt with it once and for all. Does this help any?

Yes, I think it does...though she didn't really think about this all growing up.  She told me that she remembers the precise moment when all of this started.  For me, it was similar though-the minute I figured it out, I became a whole lot more dysphoric than I was before.  Thanks for the input though...this has been quite the taxing situation, so thanks for the support/advice!

Yes, that type of OCD obsessing about gender identity does exist. I think I am a victim of of it. My life was so much better before I started thinking about it. Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I really knew I was trans and started my way to transitioning. But I'm never sure. I get sometimes scared of my male body and being a man and it does seem a bit strange having beard and hearing my voice. But I rarely cross dress. And when I do it's not because I get pleasure out of it but because I want to be sure that it does not give me any pleasure. There doesn't seem to be an extreme desire to be a woman, a definite knowledge that it will make me happy. And I always find myself asking would I like to be in her body? What if I do? I need to imagine to check if I would like it. If i wouldn't I get relief, if I would I get scared. And I really do get scared when someone suggests me that I am trans. I know there's nothing to be scared of except the reaction of society, but I feel that I would be able to deal with it if I knew that becoming a woman outside was the right thing for me. But I hardly know if I'm a woman inside. Does this sound familiar?

She actually sounds like a member who used to post here... especially the part about being afraid of "being forced" to transition. I think it's hard to tell, sometimes, since many of us second-guess ourselves a lot, what's the difference between that and OCD manifesting as a "fear of trans."

I would think the key is - if she sought treatment for the OCD, would the issues with gender identity go away? Hypothetical question, obviously, since she's apparently not getting treatment and you certainly can't do more than gently, occasionally encourage. But I don't think OCD meds will erase gender dysphoria, so I'd be inclined to think that if it *did* ease her concerns, gender dysphoria was not at the root of her problem.

In the meantime, what you're doing sounds perfect; all you can really do is be there for her regardless and try not to bring up this stuff unless she does (as I can only imagine touching off an OCD spiral is not going to be appreciated, if that's what it is).

Quote from: Jenna Marie on March 09, 2014, 11:17:48 AM
She actually sounds like a member who used to post here... especially the part about being afraid of "being forced" to transition. I think it's hard to tell, sometimes, since many of us second-guess ourselves a lot, what's the difference between that and OCD manifesting as a "fear of trans."

I would think the key is - if she sought treatment for the OCD, would the issues with gender identity go away? Hypothetical question, obviously, since she's apparently not getting treatment and you certainly can't do more than gently, occasionally encourage. But I don't think OCD meds will erase gender dysphoria, so I'd be inclined to think that if it *did* ease her concerns, gender dysphoria was not at the root of her problem.

In the meantime, what you're doing sounds perfect; all you can really do is be there for her regardless and try not to bring up this stuff unless she does (as I can only imagine touching off an OCD spiral is not going to be appreciated, if that's what it is).

The member you mention is Freshguy, right? He clearly is sufffering from OCD that why his posts often don't make sense and he was regarded as a trol.

Salemasss : Yes, it is (and actually, the OP might find his threads and the responses helpful, I suppose). I don't think he's a troll, but I think I did suggest to him at one point that his issue seems to be related to the OCD; not to say that it's *all* about OCD, but treating that first seemed wise either way. If the gender dysphoria is real, then it will be easier to handle with the OCD under control.