Sometimes I feel lost in the wave of Emma(mtf). She's always so worried about if she looks ok. And I get it takes time the shaving, pounds of makeup, searching for the right outfit... But sometimes I just feel forgotten. Last night I asked her if she wanted to go to dinner and movies after I got off work (we live 45 mins from my work). Of course she was excited to get gussied up for date night. So she texts me pictures of clothes to help her pick an outfit. Attempts to do her own hair for the first time. Does makeup and comes to town early to hang with her friend. Cool that's gravy. All I asked was to please bring some money from my stash and a change of clothes (I'm a hairdresser so my clothes get really itchy with all that hair) she gets to my work looking all hot... And I'm like so where's my clothes. And she's like oh no I'm sorry I forgot I've been spacy today. Grrr fine money? Shoot!!! No $$$ no clothes! It's just like she was too busy getting pretty to remember me or our date. How do I get remembered? This isn't the first time so she knew I was mad. And I tried to roll with it. But we ended up going home. I've told her how I feel. But it doesn't seem to get better. Just don't know how to make her get it. And I try to be understanding because I know she is feeling things I will never understand. But I think she's perfect and beautiful and doesn't need as much work as she puts in on herself everyday... Sigh

It actually sounds like she is the one being selfish, not your question.
You sound really loving and accepting and willing to be by her side. But I think you have the right to ask back the same.
Transitioning is hard, very self absorbing, and a bit of selfishness is to be expected. She obviously needs somebody to be by her side during this unique time. But this doesn't mean that everything has to be about her.
If she chose to be in a relationship of everykind with you, she has to show that she cares about you, and you have the right to ask attention from her.

So I think you should keep reminding her that you feel forgotten, without worrying about being selfish. Living a selfcentered experience such as transitioning is no excuse for forgetting those who are around you.

I can see this from both sides - she definitely needs to be more considerate, and realize that she needs to invest energy into you as well.

But I also know what that's like, to be in her shoes. Sometimes my dysphoria is so bad, I'll almost be late to catch the bus - I'll be changing clothes to try and find some that don't emphasize "XYZ" or make me feel bad about myself. It has gotten easier as time passes. For example, my hips and butt have changed so they are no longer a problem. Pants are easy. Shirts are still a challenge but that too will change. But the point is, especially early in, it can be really painful to look in the mirror and feel like certain clothes just make you look like the wrong gender, or emphasize the wrong features.

That's not to excuse her thoughtlessness, but I do see how it can be easy to get caught up in it.

I need to learn how to write less... 

I can relate with you. My SO (Sarah) has a rather lengthy beauty ritual. In the end, I learned that her beauty ritual is not a choice but a necessity.

I see Sarah as the most beautiful, hottest, most wonderful woman I ever have laid eyes on, but she sees things a bit different. I am her cheerleader, but her rituals are a must. There was a time where I felt that her rituals and her looks meant more to her than me. My cheerleading felt one sided. I finally sat down with her, no distractions, just us. I told her, without beating around the bush, that I felt ignored and that I didn't matter.

I learned there how much her rituals meant. She told me that not shaving herself made her want to kill herself. Among other things, I learned that her rituals were crucial for her self esteem and happiness, and she also felt that she needed to do them because of me. She also second guesses her choices, makeup, and outfits, which makes her ritual lasts longer. She wanted me, and the world, to see her in her best. She wants to see herself in her best. What seems like optional stuff to me, is not an option for her. With time, her rituals have shorten because she finds what works, shortcuts, etc. Sarah and I still have these conversations, which I am glad we are open about it. She also promised to listen more to me and make me feel valued. We check up on each other.

Communicating helps out, and being direct too. Your feelings matter, and I don't think she is doing it in purpose. Talk to her, without getting mad and saying stuff that one might regret later, but use words that show your stance. I tend to be a push over, so I avoid words like, "kind of, maybe, sorta". She likes it that I do that, avoiding those words, but that is our dynamic. These are my two cents, but I hope you and your SO can work through it.

My husband too has said to me that sometimes, as much as the end result is so pleasing and enjoyable, but it is the ritual that he takes to get ready.

When you mix in the time it takes for this ritual and then put in a young family, and the accompanying responsibilities and frustrations mount very quickly.

We are both very forthright with each other and I told him very clearly that as much as I wanted his happiness, I wanted him to be there for us as well. It was important to me that he didn't immerse himself so far to simply put us aside.

However, with that said, I will have everyone vacate the house to allow for as much as  whole day of responsibility-free self-indulgence and he does the same for me. We balance as best as we can with the resources we have. Some weeks are great, some not so much.

Remember that communication of both of your wants and needs will be very important!

Good luck!

I don't think you're being selfish at all. I think, as others have said, that transition is an inherently selfish time. That's not a bad thing - it's the only way a trans person is going to figure out *who* they want to be during and after all this - but it can be really hard on loved ones. I know I had the advantage of years of history with my wife, so that at least I knew this was an aberration in her behavior, and I had hope that she'd one day get over it and go back to being the considerate person she used to be (she did).

In your case, I think it's fine to let Emma know that you're upset, and also to "nag" her a bit; you can contact her anytime you think she's likely to forget you or a favor you needed, and you can make it clear that while you respect her need to get ready so everything is "perfect," you're going to go on your own/stay home/take a bath/etc. if she takes so long that you're both about to miss out on something.

*sympathy* That self-centered early phase is super hard, and you're entitled to both your feelings and your own needs.

Thank you all sooo much it really helped... We talked about it and she said she didn't realize how much it hurt my feelings and kept apologizing. She says that her hormones make her spacey... Does that ever happen to anyone else? She discribes it as a cloud or fog... Anyways I will probably just be reminding her from now on if there is something I need... Thanks

Sarah also noticed it (the spacing out) when she began, but it is also the other changes she was going. Soo much was going through her head, and she tends to go into herself as well (that's more of her personality than changes due to transitioning). It can be a mixture of things, changes she is going through, meds, personality, etc.

I've never personally been on hormones, but I have been on and off a lot of different kinds of medsications. Everyone reacts to medication differently, and sometimes side effects that didn't come up in drug tests or aren't listed on the bottle do happen. This isn't meant to excuse selfish behavior, but spaceyness could easily be a side effect of medication, and may need to be compensated for. If it persists, try setting up multiple reminder systems to help stay on task. Things like setting phone alerts or alarms, even for things a short time period away, or repeating requests made so they're more likely to be remembered. I once tried a medication which played havoc with my short term memory, and these tricks helped a lot.

Every couple weeks or so I have a mini meltdown over the selfishness. Here's the thing: no hormones. This, is all natural behaviour he's always had. It used to be computer games, but now it's cd related online stuff. Either chatting or forums or whatever else. This is something we've had to manage along with all the other relationship things.

The last one wasn't all him though. Finals, kids, my parents are away (they usually watch the kids) etc, all added up quick especially since he was supposed to watch the kids while I write my 6 finals.

I kinda understand the hormone part. If it were that I think I'd mind less. This, is just a personality thing for me, so my coping is not quite like yours! Hopefully, once all those hormone levels adjust as they should over time, the forgetfullness and other symptoms will fade? I do remember being super spacy when I was pregnant, maybe it's like that? (Sadly, the pregnancy one feels like it's permanent some days!)

Hope these last couple of weeks have been good for you guys!

I like the idea of setting alarms/reminders on the phone.  I do it all the time for me, not for Hayleigh!  Hayleigh and I also subscribe to the notion that nothing gets accomplished if you don't talk.  So maybe sitting down and having the "I message" conversation with an object to pass would help. 

Find something to hold on to.  This symbolizes that it is your turn to talk, and the other person's turn to listen.  When you are done talking, you hand the object to the other person.  The rules:
1.  Respect.  "I messages" only. Don't use always/never unless you can prove it.
2.  When you are not holding the object, you don't talk/respond.  Let the other person finish so they feel heard.  If you are afraid you will forget something, jot yourself a note to address when it is your turn.

"I feel ___ when ____ happens.  It would help me feel better if _______." 

"I feel frustrated when I ask a question and I get one word answers.  It would help me understand what you are going through if you could elaborate more."
"I feel unimportant when I ask you to bring money and clothes with you when we meet, and you forget them.  It would make me feel better if you could remember them, but I also know you are going through a lot.  What could I do to help you remember them?" (If the response is "I don't know" have a list of ideas... write a note, send a reminder text, have Emma call before she leaves the house and go through the list of items, etc.)

Hayleigh and I are learning how to use this one.  It is far from perfect, but it has definitely helped!

Quote from: Carlota on March 09, 2014, 06:38:16 PM
I finally sat down with her, no distractions, just us. I told her, without beating around the bush, that I felt ignored and that I didn't matter.

I got this a long time ago, it started out with "Look Buster!" Though I'm not a buster it got my immediate attention!

Quote from: Carlota on March 09, 2014, 06:38:16 PM
Communicating helps out, and being direct too. Your feelings matter, and I don't think she is doing it in purpose. Talk to her, without getting mad and saying stuff that one might regret later, but use words that show your stance. I tend to be a push over, so I avoid words like, "kind of, maybe, sorta". She likes it that I do that, avoiding those words, but that is our dynamic. These are my two cents, but I hope you and your SO can work through it.

Absolutely, this is the key! We had many long soulful conversations and got it all out on the table about each of our expectations, what we will accept and that which isn't acceptable. No secrets and no lies, it brought us so much closer together.

Quote from: Shantel on April 04, 2014, 11:35:14 AMAbsolutely, this is the key! We had many long soulful conversations and got it all out on the table about each of our expectations, what we will accept and that which isn't acceptable. No secrets and no lies, it brought us so much closer together.

Oh so true!  Talk, talk, talk.  Talk till you can't talk anymore.  Process it, then talk some more!

Quote from: ikesgirl80 on April 04, 2014, 09:28:56 AM
...What could I do to help you remember them?" (If the response is "I don't know" have a list of ideas... write a note, send a reminder text, have Emma call before she leaves the house and go through the list of items, etc.)
...

Hi, just visiting from the other side. I have a tendency to forget to do things, too. This one works for me, do it right then. In this case, were I Hayleigh I would have put the money and your clothes in a bag and either put them on the doorknob or in the car before I started to get ready. I'm such a ditz sometimes but this usually works. And if i can say, I'm so amazed at your support for her. I hope things go as well for me.

Dee