GYARGHHH!!!

Some days, I'm kind've okay... I can bury myself in the tasks that must be done... But then there times like today where I could just do something DRASTIC and it wouldn't be in a positive regard...

I'll try to frame it a bit better... I think I was triggered by seeing myself in the mirror this morning... But general consensus, I make a fairly good looking guy... Of course, being me, I saw my freshly washed and shaved face and just wanted to effking cry!

Every day that passes that I have to live like this hurts just that little bit more. Maybe I just wasn't meant for this world, I don't know... I just know that at times like this, I just feel suffocated....

I'm on a crowded commuter train atm trying not to lose my head because all I really want to do is find a nice little hiding spot and cry til this wave of pain passes...

But somehow I've got to pull myself together and pretend everything is alright yet again. Sometimes I just don't know if it's worth it.

My situation is compounded by the fact that even at home, I'm not free to be me as I'm currently stuck living with my transphobic father and have nowhere to go if he figures me out and subsequently throws me out, as I fully expect.

I ended up having to move in with him as I had nowhere to go after the breakdown of a two year relationship I was in... I appreciate the fact that he was there for me, despite the fact that we have quite a combatative relationship

I need to move and I am workibg towards that, but for now it is not feasible, so I have little choice but to be "in character" ALL the time...

He rarely goes out, so I can rarely feel comfortable being the real me... Which is still confined to being a bedroom phenomena for now... Although as a side note I did get the house to myself on Sunday afternoon and it was wonderful!

But anyway... Trying to stay calm and get through this and I though venting here might just help...

If anyone in or around Sydney.au can direct me towards any support services I would be eternally grateful... I have an appt at the Gender Centre, but it's still a month away and I can't make their women's group because I'm at work during those hrs...

Anyway, got to change trains..

*takes deep breath*

Thanks for listening, not sure how coherent that was...

Hi Ally
Sounds tough, hope you find things are settling down for you today. The only real support service I know of in Sydney is The Gender Center, unfortunately the first appointment can take a while to secure as they are making do on a minuscule budget and can't afford many counsellors. Follow ups usually aren't so far apart. There are a number of other people from Sydney on the forum, maybe some of them can recommend a group or counsellor.

Hugs
Grace

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 10, 2014, 08:13:55 PM
Hi Ally
Sounds tough, hope you find things are settling down for you today. The only real support service I know of in Sydney is The Gender Center, unfortunately the first appointment can take a while to secure as they are making do on a minuscule budget and can't afford many counsellors. Follow ups usually aren't so far apart. There are a number of other people from Sydney on the forum, maybe some of them can recommend a group or counsellor.

Hugs
Grace

Thanks for the response + the hugs, Grace.

I managed to settle down, but not until later in the day... Indeed, I actually bottomed out while in tue office and almost burst into tears when one of my colleagues asked me what was wrong.

The odd thing is that seeing a t-girl in my store (I'm a retail flunkie) helped turn me around. She looked quite happy and confident. I wanted to go up to her and talk to her, but I couldn't get away from my work AND I get painfully shy when in a down spike...

But still seeing her kinda made me think, "hey one day, that could be me"... Even if she was younger and prettier than I could hope to be! lol

I had a feeling the Gender Centre was pretty much it as far as counselling + co-ordinated support goes in Sydney... I went there a couple of times late last year before my home life went to crap and everything kinda went by the wayside for a while...

Looks like I might just have to hang tight and try to stay positive for a little while longer... *sigh*

Got this far in life so far, what's a few more weeks...? :/

Well that's right, a month isn't much in the grand scheme of things and will be gone before you even know it. Might have been good you didn't speak to the trans woman, hard to know how well she would have taken being read while out in public - some can find it mortifying and ego bruising. Anyway, there are people you've passed during the last month or so who are also trans*, some are yet to fully realise it, others are struggling where you are now, others are transitioning and others still are fully transitioned and you'd never tell them apart from the cis gender variant. The point is there are many trans people who have been through or are going through similar to what you currently are. They got there or are on their way...and so are you! It's not an easy journey, but you can make it...just don't explode along the way!

I'm an emotional creature, so little explosions are unfortunately inevitable, but as long as I can avoid avoid going Vesuvius or Pinatubo on myself, I think we'll be fine.

Thank you so much for yr insight. I feel like a bit of a self-centred pinhead for even thinking about talking to her... After all, yr right, the last thing she would probably have wanted was to have been clocked, even if it was by a well-meaning stranger. Putting myself in her shoes, I'm certain that I would not handle it well at all.

Feeling much more grounded and stable now. This morning was probably the worst that my dysphoric anxiety has been in a long time. I'm certain that my inability to manage it as well as I normally would have was due to a lack of sleep and a few of the other stresses that are currently taking place in my life.

Over the course of the last few months, I've been slowly putting things in place to move on to this next stage in my life, and I guess I'm just getting a little impatient now that the... erm... beginning is in sight!

Know exactly how you feel, been through many of those stages myself and feeling impatient about going full time now...

I'll bet! But yr patience will be much more than its own reward.

Hi Ally,

The Gender Centre is a good place to start.  A good medical centre that deals with a lot of TG patients is the Taylor Square Clinic.  They could probably point you in the direction of the most active Sydney based counselling services.  I'm a bit out of date as far as who's in practice these days (my last therapy session was back in 2003), but I would presume that most private psychs would charge a gap fee over medicare rebates.  My last visit there was for my referral for endocrinology.

The main endo in Sydney would be Dr Jon Hayes.  He's a lovely man and I cannot recommend him enough.

Thank you for the advice, Luna. On top of wanting to find additional psych/counselling services, Ive been wanting to find a GP who I could feel comfortable with, and so far, it's been quite a fruitless and frustrating endeavour... Having read Taylor Square's website, it seems like I will find what I need there or at the very least, be pointed in the right direction.