I can't help but feel curious how the FtM "straight" members feel about this thread...   

Quote from: Nikko on March 14, 2014, 06:14:56 PM
I can't help but feel curious how the FtM "straight" members feel about this thread...   

This totally!

Come on guys help us with this one, please! What is your perspective on this issue?

maybe the problem is just that the trans population needs to be a lot more self affirming than self denying , None of this would be an issue if the trans population had a far healthier view of itself. I'm not post op so I can only theorize, but you are what you are , it shouldn't be such a handicap . What are you looking for in an encounter. If nobody questions your appearance and wants you what's the big deal. If you feel safe then fine. I don't know it seems you can always bring up topics that will reveal the persons nature before you hit the bed if that's your purpose. This is a difficult topic because I'm not post op. I know for myself if someone wanted me and I felt the same it wouldn't bother me in the short term to just go with the moment. I just for myself would feel the need to be upfront in a longer perspective  for my own consciousness to feel right.

Quote from: Nikko on March 14, 2014, 06:14:56 PM
I can't help but feel curious how the FtM "straight" members feel about this thread...   

Um, my boyfriend, Leo (also a member here) and I can't help but wonder what you mean by the quotation marks, Nikko..

Straight ftm here. (no quotation marks or winky faces needed)

No one gets a pass for being selfish and sociopathic just because they love someone, loving someone is not an excuse for manipulating them. MtF, FtM, or completely natal male or female: you are WRONG for manipulating someone in any way that only benefits you and has the potential to hurt the other person.

Do you need to tell someone everything about you the moment you meet them? Of course not but its disturbing to think anyone would think it's okay to not tell their possible significant other something that could emotionally damage them. Andd yes, for some people finding out they had intercourse with a transgender/transsexual person can be extremely hurtful and harmful and you shouldn't judge them for what they find damaging as if transphobia can be cured overnight (assuming it's actually transphobia in the first place and not just humiliation at being emotionally exploited).

I'd really love to hear the guys' input on this one too. As for the straight gay or bi deal, I am bi and proud of it. Less limitations on finding that one true love. Me personally I see guys that are attracted to transwomen as straight, just as I see women that are attracted to transguys straight pre or post op and/or pre or post hormones. But it seems more taboo that a hetero guy to be attracted to a transwoman and from my experiences those guys are extrememly comfortable and confident with their own sexuality and self identity. Me personally I am upfront and take it from there, this is just me and causes a lot less problems in the future. As for anyone else it is their own business when and even if to tell but... the problems and or the danger that comes along later when the truth comes out is what I try to avoid. And just like in this instance the truth is always eventually gonna come out whether from past life or medical or another 1001 things.

A hypothetical. Girl, full SRS and all, meets boy. Boy and girl fall in love and get married. If younger there would be no children(Medical). Girl tells boy she can't have children and Boy believes that. They are deeper and deeper in love as the years go by. Something happens to girl and she dies or maybe from just old age, an autopsy is performed and Boy, Man or Old Man finds out that Girl was not who he though he dedicated his life too and is crushed, feels betrayed and in severe emotional pain. This is the main reason for me to be upfront. No matter what I never want to hurt anyone that I love. I could never live with myself if the is indeed an afterlife. Not to mention if Boy finds out and the thin line between love and hate is crossed and Girl ends up dropping off the face of the earth. 

I've only read the first page, but I don't need to read the others to post the following:

HOW IN THE WORLD does a guy stick his thing up a butt, EVERY DAY, for SIX MONTHS, and not have an inkling?  Even a stinkling?  Telling me she gave herself an enema at least every other day?  Did she never eat?  Sorry, but this one sounds far fetched.

I'd like to start by saying that i'm in the awkward phase & definately not dating right now, i'll also mention that I often say on here that it's your life & your choice how to live your life & I stand by that statement.

One of the reason I decided to transition is that I was sick to death of living a lie so if I don't tell a prospective partner then my life will continue to be full of lies, i'd have to edit my life history to omit the fact that I was born with a male body & after over 30 yrs of living with the fear that i'd slip up & reveal i'm trapped in the wrong body, if I wasn't honest about my past then i'd replace that fear with the fear that i'd one day slip up and reveal the truth about my past.

With regards to the title of this topic i'll add my past experience & hopefully a different perspective.
I was with my ex for 8 yrs before I ended the relationship & then came out, she was hurt by the fact that I hadn't been honest at the start of the relationship & said that it was something we could have worked around, probably by just being friends with benifits or maybe just as very good friends.
As a result of the hurt caused by my lack of honesty my ex embarked on a campaign of mind games for the next 2 yrs, she knew I was suffering depression & she played on it with little digs & comments designed to make me feel worse about myself & my situation.
This eventually resulted in a very nasty argument & falling out, I do not have the right to label all women as hypocrites & fakes because of this, I chose my path & I then reaped the results of not being honest from day one.
If you are not honest about something major from your past & it comes out then it should come as no shock that the revelation can destroy trust & hurt feelings, broken trust is a very quick way to destroy even the strongest relationship.

Once/if I do pass 100% then the only person I feel will have a right to know about my birth gender is a prospective partner, I feel that I owe it to both them & myself to be honest, if I met a man who wasn't comfortable dating a trans woman then I wouldn't want to be with them & would want to know how they felt about my past before I became emotionaly involved.

Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 13, 2014, 09:23:36 PM
Are you talking about just pre-op trans women or post-op women. See the difference there. Once I have SRS in a year and a half, I will no longer consider myself trans at all, but a woman.  So do I go about disclosing my entire very confusing, incredibly complicated life? When I was three, I wasn't allowed to walk and was in a hospital because of sciatica and issues with my genitals. 'Nuff aid about that. But, hopefully this is moot for me and things works out with the guy I am in love with right now. He has issues with me not having a vagina. But he does love me, it's just so hard. And sometimes I wish I met him when I was post-op just so I could have never have told him and then we would perfect cause we're perfect for each other. He told me yesterday how it's so weird how everything we do turns out so perfect. But do go through all this disclosure business again...when I'm post-op...ugh. Do you know how hard it was getting to this point?

There will be no way to tell I was in any way male once I do this. None. I don't understand why I have to get people to trust trans people. I only identify as trans cause it's easier. I'm intersexed. And I have chromosomes to prove it. But I'm still trans cause i'm transitioning, even if it's from I-to-F. I have people who know I'm trans and will talk about non-passing trans women right in front of me. It can be awkward.

I'm a little taken back by this.  So, you're just using the trans community because of a technicality, and not because you identify with us?  Once you've had your SRS will you close your account here?  If not, will you still post here?  If so, on what conditions, and about what things?  I'm sorry to say this, but you seem ashamed of the trans community, and hell bent on 'proving' you are just here out of politeness, or something along those lines.

-goes and grabs more popcorn-

Quote from: ath on March 15, 2014, 06:59:35 AM
-goes and grabs more popcorn-

Want to share? 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 13, 2014, 09:09:03 PM
I just think about a topic like this ending up on a cis site where trans people are called "losers", "deceivers" or "dime a dozen" because we think we have a pass on not disclosing our true selves. I can see this from a flip side of the coin. It can breed contempt for us and further complicate OUR lives as well if they think we are ALL trying to hide ourselves and intentionally deceive. This will not do us any good in the long run and keep us where we are now. I am just trying to see this issue from both sides. How are we ever going to get people to accept and trust us with this issue out there. Just food for thought, no judgment intended.

You may be playing devils advocate here, but I think your post reeks of victim blaming and battered wife syndrome. If the cis-population has a problem with me just being me, then that is on them. I'm not going to degrade and drag myself through the mud by catering to other peoples ridiculous notions about my being. They're wrong, so why should I submit to their demands? I'm not hiding or intentionally deceiving anyone. I always present as my true self.

Also there is the question of why trans-status is the only thing that is every expected to disclosed out of ethical or moral concerns. Why is it that only trans people don't have a right to their own privacy? Why is it unethical for us not to disclose all of the while everyone else is privileged with the right to their own privacy?

I'm not talking about practical aspects here, only the moral/ethical concern.

Quote from: thevaliantx on March 15, 2014, 07:40:23 AM
Want to share?

Wellll I suppose, I hope you like butter though.

Quote from: ath on March 15, 2014, 08:04:51 AM
Wellll I suppose, I hope you like butter though.

Does it come with Valium salt as well, this may be a long movie!*giggle*

Quote from: MariaMx on March 15, 2014, 08:00:14 AM
I'm not talking about practical aspects here, only the moral/ethical concern.

So it is totally moral and ethical to make a cis male feel like he is in a relationship with a cis female when she is not? No one can hide their past these days and what happens when that past is revealed to him? Do you really see a good outcome if he identified as a cis male hetero? I am not talking about divulging to everyone on the planet I am trans in a special news flash, only those with whom I am trying to have a long term intimate relationship with or choose to tell. They are the only one's who count and should know about your past. It is one thing to lie about an affair or something of that nature. It is another thing totally to lie about who you are. As far as the comment about being a battered wife or victim blaming, where did that come from? I blame no one for anything and heaven help anyone who tries to batter me.

Quote from: thevaliantx on March 15, 2014, 06:57:15 AM
I'm a little taken back by this.  So, you're just using the trans community because of a technicality, and not because you identify with us?  Once you've had your SRS will you close your account here?  If not, will you still post here?  If so, on what conditions, and about what things?  I'm sorry to say this, but you seem ashamed of the trans community, and hell bent on 'proving' you are just here out of politeness, or something along those lines.

Very good point thevaliantx. No matter how she tries to deny it, someone will always know her from 'before' - family, friends, neighbors, etc....even if she moves and changes state, chances are she'll bump into someone someday who goes "hey, i know you" and then that person will tell another person, and that person will tell another, and soon the secret is out.

I'm intersex and not just chromosomally, but true gonadal intersex. Anyway, it doesn't matter - if the world has always seen you as one way, then no matter how well your body adapts to the other hormone, someone will always know, and someone will always let the cat out of the bag at a time you least expect it, and shatter the world you've built for yourself. I am intersex, and I am trans.

The world around you only sees trans, so you just have to be honest with yourself and own it.

Kelsie

Quote from: KelsieJ on March 15, 2014, 10:54:43 AM
Very good point thevaliantx. No matter how she tries to deny it, someone will always know her from 'before' - family, friends, neighbors, etc....even if she moves and changes state, chances are she'll bump into someone someday who goes "hey, i know you" and then that person will tell another person, and that person will tell another, and soon the secret is out.

The world around you only sees trans, so you just have to be honest with yourself and own it.

Thank you Kelsie and Valiant! Well said and just the point I have been trying to make. People ALWAYS find out. The only thing is how much damage the truth does and how many lives are destroyed.

after the millionth post on this thread and the many other threads with the same question, I still can't figure out why people think it's alright to hide such a major part of their life from their loving partner. I don't know if the shoe was on the other foot and you were married to someone for 10.20.30 or40 years and they told you that they had been born the opposite gender would it go down as easy as those that suggest it's none of their partners business. I'm sorry I know the analogy with having cancer has been used, but still there seems to be quite a difference between cancer and being born a different gender. also why wouldn't you disclose having cancer to someone who loves and cares for you.

Just posting to keep my place.

*lurker*

What I think this really comes down to is really getting to know the person we are with before we form an intense emotional relationship with.  One night stands, who cares!    If the person we are with is only comfortable about having heterosexual relationships, and things any other relationship is sinful, why have a relationship with them?   Are we not just falling back into the same pattern of hiding we were in before we transitioned, or lies and fear. 

If we find that the person we are with is open minded and cares about the person they are with, and their now gender or birth gender doesn't matter,  why not tell them.   

If the person we are with is totally clueless about transgenders, and hasn't had to face the question upfront and personal about having a relationship with someone who is transgender, then I feel, perhaps, exposing them to the existence of transgenders, and helping them work through their conflicts as a friend, might be helpful.

It all depends upon, rather, we are looking for a life partner, who we don't have to hide who we are from, who is a help mate, and a friend, is really the issue.   Or do we want to go back to the days when we hid in the closet in our pseudo gender, and fear being who we really are.

I know some times we just fall into relationships without even really knowing it,  but having just barely surviving an almost thirty year relationship with someone whom I thought was my friend, and finding out she was not really my friend,  but a schemer, who hid her true feelings and only showed me a well rehearsed mask,  I discovered that I had just wasted years that I could have spending discovering who I was as a female, and that instead of being closeted, I should have been my female self, and let the chips fall where they may.   

Find out who the other person, as well as ourselves, really are and how they really feel about us, before committing, or we are just moving into another closet of fear, and not really moving on.

As far as men go, one night stands, who cares if we tell them or not.   Just make sure they are not violent and do not carry a gun or a club.   Why put your life in danger for a one night stand?