Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 15, 2014, 10:39:44 AM
So it is totally moral and ethical to make a cis male feel like he is in a relationship with a cis female when she is not? No one can hide their past these days and what happens when that past is revealed to him? Do you really see a good outcome if he identified as a cis male hetero? I am not talking about divulging to everyone on the planet I am trans in a special news flash, only those with whom I am trying to have a long term intimate relationship with or choose to tell. They are the only one's who count and should know about your past. It is one thing to lie about an affair or something of that nature. It is another thing totally to lie about who you are. As far as the comment about being a battered wife or victim blaming, where did that come from? I blame no one for anything and heaven help anyone who tries to batter me.

I'm not making anyone feel I'm a cis female, I'm just being me. I'm not pulling a trick on them. You talk about it as if there's a difference between a cis woman and a trans woman that actually matters. There isn't. It's all in their minds, and I have no intentions of letting preconceived notions and crazy ideas in other peoples heads dictate how I live my life.

The victim blaming was a reference to the idea that not informing will breed contempt and complicate our lives. I just don't buy that. If they have a problem it's all on them. If someone decides to bully me it's not my fault, even when the bullying is targeted at me for being who I am.

A long time ago, while I was transitioning and a short while thereafter, I used to feel that I had an obligation to warn the poor cis population about me so that they wouldn't have to have anything to do with a disgusting filthy ->-bleeped-<- such as myself. I used to totally think this was completely reasonable. In time I've come to realize that I feel this way because I grew up observing the disgust and derision expressed by cis people, so naturally I believed that what they said was true, that I truly was a disgusting freak of nature and that wearing a warning sign and paper bag over my head probably would be for the greater good of society. I had been conditioned to believe I deserved to be treated like dirt by the cis population and that I should be kiss their feet in appreciation for not having my face kicked in by them, and that is why I'm likening it to battered wife syndrome.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 15, 2014, 10:39:44 AM
So it is totally moral and ethical to make a cis male feel like he is in a relationship with a cis female when she is not? No one can hide their past these days and what happens when that past is revealed to him? Do you really see a good outcome if he identified as a cis male hetero? I am not talking about divulging to everyone on the planet I am trans in a special news flash, only those with whom I am trying to have a long term intimate relationship with or choose to tell. They are the only one's who count and should know about your past. It is one thing to lie about an affair or something of that nature. It is another thing totally to lie about who you are. As far as the comment about being a battered wife or victim blaming, where did that come from? I blame no one for anything and heaven help anyone who tries to batter me.

I agree. I will tell my partner and people close to me that I'm Transgender.

I have to accept that I am trans and not cis-gendered. I was still born female; sex is biological and gender is what role you identify with.

I've seen this issue come up more times than I care to remember, and it doesn't usually end well.  For anyone.

What I would say is sometimes it's better to agree to disagree. This issue very often splits people into two diametrically opposed views. The proverbial irresistible force and immovable object meeting at a point where neither is likely to convince the other of how they feel and only leading to hurt feelings.

My view is that everyone is different. Everyone's circumstances are different. Their perspectives, values, mindsets and worldviews are different. And I feel each person, as an individual, should decide what's right for them. Do what they feel is right for them. And whatever happens after that is theirs to do with as they see fit.

When the tone changes from "This is what I would do" to "this is what I think everyone should do", then... well, threads like this one often become problematic.

Do what you feel is right as it relates to your own life and your own situation. And let everyone else do the same. That's what I think.

Quote from: stephaniec on March 15, 2014, 11:23:15 AM
after the millionth post on this thread and the many other threads with the same question, I still can't figure out why people think it's alright to hide such a major part of their life from their loving partner. I don't know if the shoe was on the other foot and you were married to someone for 10.20.30 or40 years and they told you that they had been born the opposite gender would it go down as easy as those that suggest it's none of their partners business. I'm sorry I know the analogy with having cancer has been used, but still there seems to be quite a difference between cancer and being born a different gender. also why wouldn't you disclose having cancer to someone who loves and cares for you.

The difference is in peoples heads, not in reality. There is no real difference that actually matters in any real way.

Quote from: thevaliantx on March 15, 2014, 07:40:23 AM
Want to share?

I recently bought so corn cobs that you stick in the microwave and it pops right off the cob.   I'll share with you!

Quote from: stephaniec on March 15, 2014, 11:23:15 AM
after the millionth post on this thread and the many other threads with the same question, I still can't figure out why people think it's alright to hide such a major part of their life from their loving partner. I don't know if the shoe was on the other foot and you were married to someone for 10.20.30 or40 years and they told you that they had been born the opposite gender would it go down as easy as those that suggest it's none of their partners business. I'm sorry I know the analogy with having cancer has been used, but still there seems to be quite a difference between cancer and being born a different gender. also why wouldn't you disclose having cancer to someone who loves and cares for you.

I am totally fine with it because my entire system of morality is based upon the concept of doing what is best for me in the long term. The idea here is that long term selfishness means, that if you had a really good chance of keeping it from a partner and they would never know, then it is in your best interests to keep it hidden. The potential downside if they do find out, is really high, so usually it would be best to tell, but I could certainly see where it could be hidden without it ever being found out.

I have had partners keep things from me before, and I can't say it is a great feeling, but if it isn't putting my health in danger I can either move on past it or leave. I don't see what the big deal is. People keep things from their partners all of the time, I would be much more worried about someone cheating and bringing some sort of STD back to me than I would be if they had IDK killed someone by driving drunk for example. (I don't use the gender example as obviously I would have no problems dating a transwoman)

My philosophy here is this:

I might not tell before the first date, or on, or even in the first few dates.  I will however tell before I am intimate with my partner, pre-op or post-op.

I'm sorry, but every human has a right to be selfish on what they want and are attracted to.  We don't owe anyone our attractions, and no one owes us theirs.  There are people out there for which being trans is not a deal breaker, and there are people for which it is.  How would you feel if the situation was reversed.  We all have things that are deal breakers, and how would you feel if a deal breaker for you was kept from you and your partner spent years actively lying to you about it?

I'm not condemning anyone for doing things differently, this is just my opinion.  But I can't be with someone in a committed relationship and keep this huge burdensome secret secret.

I've done that for the last 30 years, and it was full out killing me.  I'm not going to go around and tell everyone I'm trans, I'm not going to broadcast it, I'm not even going to tell most dates.  Because a date is just a date, it's a pre-cursor to a relationship.  I will however tell anyone that I am interested in a true relationship with.  And I will not sleep with anyone without being up front about it.  Too often this is a cause of violence against us.  The discovery that they unknowingly slept with a transwoman, and too often it ends badly.  One such case I heard about recently after a husband learned after 20 years of marriage his wife was trans.  His rage and assault was fueled by the deceit more than her status as trans.  Furthermore, this just seems to me to be perpetrating the idea that trans* people are out to "trick" unwilling people.  It's not what we're doing, but a lot of people out there do think this.

Maybe my attitude will change one day and I'll be tired of disclosing.  But I still think I'll tell before intimacy and anyone who I want a relationship with. 

Quote from: Hikari on March 15, 2014, 12:30:43 PM
I am totally fine with it because my entire system of morality is based upon the concept of doing what is best for me in the long term. The idea here is that long term selfishness means, that if you had a really good chance of keeping it from a partner and they would never know, then it is in your best interests to keep it hidden. The potential downside if they do find out, is really high, so usually it would be best to tell, but I could certainly see where it could be hidden without it ever being found out.

I have had partners keep things from me before, and I can't say it is a great feeling, but if it isn't putting my health in danger I can either move on past it or leave. I don't see what the big deal is. People keep things from their partners all of the time, I would be much more worried about someone cheating and bringing some sort of STD back to me than I would be if they had IDK killed someone by driving drunk for example. (I don't use the gender example as obviously I would have no problems dating a transwoman)

It's kind of like that Woody Allen movie that was based on extreme selfishness . I forget the name of it . the main character murdered some one for personal reasons and got away with it and in Woody Allens perspective there was nothing wrong with it because he got away with it .  crimes and misdemeaners

You are surprised that after so many treads like this that people don't agree with you?  Maybe because you're not right.  Now I'm not attacking you.  I'm specifically and intentionally not saying you are wrong.  Just that you are not right.  I hope you understand the difference.

To elaborate, I don't think there is one right answer, simply because everyone's circumstances, moralities, life experiences, etc are different.  I think it's okay to disagree on the subject and this will not likely be the last thread on the subject.  And the people who came into the thread with one perspective are likely to leave with the same one. 

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 15, 2014, 12:58:44 PM
To elaborate, I don't think there is one right answer, simply because everyone's circumstances, moralities, life experiences, etc are different.  I think it's okay to disagree on the subject and this will not likely be the last thread on the subject.  And the people who came into the thread with one perspective are likely to leave with the same one.

Likely very true. I do find it interesting to note how strong of a response this sort of topic normally elicits. I am sure it will come up many more times though.

Yes I have to agree Caysee.

In matters such as this, there will never be black and white.  And what works for one person doesn't work for everyone.

Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on March 15, 2014, 01:09:44 PM
In matters such as this, there will never be black and white. 

TRUCE it is!! I want to thank everyone for not attacking during this topic. Respect earned! 

a moment of peaceful coexistence. Where is anatta

See, we can all get along without flames, or Kum Ba Ya, lol

Quote from: stephaniec on March 15, 2014, 02:46:06 PMWhere is anata

Karma monitor crashed!

G'day Peeps! New to forums and my first post.

Read this thread and thought I'd comment. I feel sad that some of you have ended what may have been a wonderful relationship with someone rather than tell your prospective partner about your gender. I do understand you may have this fear that this person you just met will walk away however, I believe you should be upfront whether it be a one night stand you are about to have or a potential relationship.

By keeping quiet, in a sense, you are deceiving them and yourself. You will forever be walking on eggshells hoping it will all go smooth but when they find out, which they invariably will. What kind of reaction do you think they will have? Like FA said. It can turn very nasty very quickly and you may become another statistic.

I'm not saying tell all and sundry but tell those of whom you enter a relationship with or may become interment with.

I feel that getting it out the way early and being upfront, you can relax and be comfortable and don't have to worry. Sure, some guys will react badly, the most that will happen is you being called a name and they walk away as opposed to you keeping quiet over a few weeks and or months and then telling Him which then may put your very being in jeopardy.

Thanks.
R.A

As some of you already know I'm xxy, and have been transgender since my childhood. Me, even though I only like and date girls, I have been upfront and honest about myself with each and every one of them as soon as we began dating steadily. I've been married twice, and was upfront with both of my wives about myself -long story short, I'm upfront about myself with my current partner though we only fool around because she knows how uncomfortable I am with what's still between my legs after all these years. We love each other though we've both tried denying it a few times and broke up but we always end up back together. Because I'll be finally (and I do thank God for this) having my SRS after a reasonable time on hormones/hrt she is having a hard time with it because she doesn't know if she want's to commit to a lifetime with another woman. Even though we've never had what any of you would call sex we've been together for the five years I've lived in my current home.

I'm scared to death of losing her because I've never loved anyone the way I love this woman, and I've told her this. She is a few years younger than I, and could easily attract any guy she wants. Still she stays with me which I'm grateful for. However and I've made this clear to her, If she cannot accept me as her partner after my SRS I'll be very hurt but I'll understand, and we can just be very good friends. I've also explained to her why I must fully transition, because for me life isn't worth living if I don't. Being in the medical field she understands this too.

I guess what I'm trying to say with my spiel above is that I can fully understand both sides of this argument. Why some of you may be afraid of losing someone if they know, or, those of you who just whish a casual good time sex with someone might not wish to disclose. However and here's the part where my older age comes in, It is my opinion that if someone truly loves you and you are becoming close that honesty is the best policy, and eventually after they've had the time to get over the initial shock they'll stay with you if indeed they truly love you. I'm originally from out west and lived in L.A. for a while, and have sadly saw the results of men who are biggots beating transwomen when they found out either by accident or a last minute disclosure. What can happen to you isn't pretty and I would hate to hear about it happening to anyone here.

Whichever route you choose be careful and before getting intimate enough with a guy for him to stumble upon something that shouldn't be there, at least be sure you know his character well enough that a severe lengthy beating or worse, doesn't happen to you, and be safe. I'll shut up now, lol!

I know somebody necroed this post, but I can't help but to chime in myself.  This story is fake as hell and I don't buy it one bit.  I seriously don't usually claim things are fake, but 6 months without knowing there wasnt something else downstairs?  Puhleaze give me a break.   It is of my opinion you should notify a potential partner, especially if you plan of having sex, BEFORE your clothes are off and on the floor.

I know it can be awkward, scary, and a plethora of other emotions telling someone, but it has been my experience that most guys are respectful if you respect them as well.  While you may not view it as lying, just as a safety precaution, they definitely feel hurt if you hold some thing like that from them.  Guys may be a different breed than us sometimes, but they are humans too and deserving of respect and honesty.

Edit: After thinking about it, I suppose it IS possible to hide something like that with A LOT of effort because I recall a story of something similar happening.  Its just really hard for me to believe.

Quote from: Samantha007 on June 26, 2014, 08:10:21 AM
Evolving beauty,

Although I had some reservations when I read some of your posts, I realise now you are such a strong and remarkable woman, to have gone through what you've been through. We say "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger" I mean most transwomen go through hell before they complete their transition, but - judging by your last post on srs with Chett, I realise gone through a lot more than the average woman among us. May you be blessed hun!

hugs

Samantha xx

Thanks hon!

And those who don't believe it, you're not forced to but I swear on my mother's head this story is TRUE whether you believe it or not. I have nothing to gain inventing fairy tales here.