Well this could be a long story but perhaps (since I'm currently too embarrassed to see a doctor and my local GP is a nice guy who I think would probably be rather supportive) the best place for me to tell my story and seek out those who have comparable stories. My main question is what am I? A tricky one. I would most likely say I'm just a cross dresser but sometimes worry (yes I have to admit I worry) that I might actually be a transexual person.
It all started from my earliest childhood. Back then obviously there was not much I could do about it - it is not as if I truly understood what it meant back then. Basically back then I would have fantasies about wearing lipstick, facial masks and being dressed in smart female's eveningwear. However, I never spoke of them and as I felt I couldn't do much about them they didn't drastically effect my mental well being I pretty much got on with my childhood (playing football, riding bikes, video games etc) and I was happy.
Role on to 1999 when I was fourteen and I came to realise - I could actually try on makeup and clothes. So one night when everyone else was asleep I tried on some lipstick in the bathroom. It was an exciteable experience but I wouldn't necessarily say it was sexual in nature. Roll on the next day I felt terribly guilty and promised I wouldn't do it again. Well as you can imagine I did and I kept doing it every weekend (eventually trying on clothes and particularly bras) and this continued until early in the year 2000. At this point I denied myself these activities and did so until I pretty much had the house to myself for a whole day in late 2000 and inevitable I started it over again. Again it possibly did give me sexual satisfaction on the odd occasion but for the most part I just liked being dressed that way.
Eventually in 2003 (when I was 18) I came to realise that eBay could be used to buy stuff discreetly and boy did my collection multiply. I tried on all sorts of new things like corsets, boots (I really do love knee length boots), g-strings, thongs, bras (of multiple designs) but eventually I would throw them all away. However, as you can imagine I would replace them all again and again and this cycle pretty much repeated itself through 2003 to 2004. I must point out I lived at university away from home so buying stuff and storing it and crossdressing was so much easier to do. It was at this point I was also able to acquire things like makeup and facial masks (have to admit I really love mud/clay masks).
When I left my course in 2004 and moved back home to start another course at another uni (realised maths wasn't for me so wanted to do accounting instead) I didn't act on my impulses until 2005. I wanted to at times but I didn't. However, when I got a decent part time job in July 2005 and I knew my parents and sisters would be away for a period of two weeks (during my summer holiday as well) I just couldn't resist anymore. Started to buy into things like Miss Sixty jeans on ebay, mini skirts, bras, g-strings and finally tops (often of a halterneck design). At this point I really realised I was into knee high boots as opposed to other designs. However, yet again I threw it all away but within the space of a few weeks I bought the same kind of leather miss sixty jeans (the j-lot design) because I really loved them. However, on receiving them I think I might have felt depressed for the first point in my life and I came to understand it was a horrible feeling. Constantly feeling sad, wanting to cry, thinking there was no point to it all. It might also be worth pointing out that it could have been whilst I was at my new job I was going to have to do something that I'd never done before (take calls over the phone) and this made me really anxious/nervous/etc. It could have been a combination of the two I suppose. However, I managed to pull myself out of the depression within a couple of weeks (because normally I'm a happy kind of person). At that point I dumped what I bought (at great expense) in the bin and made no more purposes (at that point I was doing my best to save money given how much I'd wasted on clothes/masks/makeup/etc between 2003 and 2005) and I did not make any further purchases until summer of 2006 if I remember correctly.
By that point it didn't make me depressed and I just accepted it was a part of me and I couldn't escape it. Eventually what I had bought in the summer of 2006 I did bin. However, by this point it was the fear of somebody finding it (the towels are kept in my wardrope and my mum often goes in for one before a bath although I kept the stuff hidden in a drawer she has never gone into afaik). Once my mum did open the main doors for the wardrope (the towels are kept in a compartment above) and this did cause me some concern. I did keep two pairs of Miss Sixty jeans (one dark denim and one leather) and one pair of knee high boots though) However, at Christmas/New Year 2006/2007 I did buy (and probably the most I'd ever spent in one go) more stuff. I loved it as well. I would just dress up in (for example) a brown halterneck top, miss sixty denim jeans and knee high black boots over the top and just admire myself in the mirror. I admittedly normally do get erections during such process but I have to admit I wished I wouldn't because woman's panties/g-strings/whatever just look weird with a big bulge there. Anyways I'd just sit there looking at myself in the mirror (sometimes I'd do it with over the knee skirts) and think to myself how wonderful this was (and not do anything in a sexual manner like masturbate). At which point I'd get undressed because I'd start to think maybe I really should be a woman because this feels right.
So now we come to the latter half of 2007. A point where I've deleted my old ebay/paypal account months ago (Januarry 2007 it was) but opened new ones so I could buy new stuff (though I'm having difficulty adding my card to my new paypal account because it had been used in an older one). So far I have bought one pair of denim miss sixty j-lot jeans, two pairs of knee high faith boots and one calf length pair of faith boots. I am bound to buy more stuff like underwear (maybe some more fake breasts), makeup, facial masks etc.
I'm not depressed by doing all this but I do wonder - am I really just a crossdresser or would I more likely be a transexual person? In an ideal world I would love to be able to switch to being a female to see if it really is me but unfortunately no one can do that. There have been times when I've looked down at myself in the shower and to some degree fantasised about being "smooth" instead of having a penis - however this is only on the odd occasion and hasn't happened for a while.
As for my sexual life it's pretty much non-existant. I am only sexually interested in females but in my 22 years of living there only have been three I've truly liked and for two I've shyed away from ever talking to (one had a boyfriend anyway and the other was well out of my league) and the third (who I did talk to and get on really well with) did have a boyfriend so I didn't want to say anything to potentially spoil what she had going on. With these three females I would spend large parts of the day thinking about them and getting nervous around about them. I can honestly say I haven't had any sexual feelings (not even imaging myself as a woman) about men.
Then there comes the times when I fantasise about being a hot looking female (bear in mind any female fantasy of mine centres around being an attractive young female) with some tattoos (particularly large ones on the lower and upper back). I really don't know why but I seem to find tattoos on woman (not so much men) a turn on and if I was a female I'd sorely be tempted to get at least one. However, I do come from a family that frowns upon tattoos (particularly an uncle as he got a lot of tattoos when he was younger but now regrets it) yet a couple of my female cousins have had some done (against the desires of the family as a whole). Don't get me wrong it's not a case of them disowning them because they have tattoos - they just disapprove of it. How this plays into my whole crossgender/transexual way of thinking I don't know but I thought it might be worth mentioning.
So if you've read through all that you may very well think I'm a bit messed up in the head - I've pretty much covered all my feminine tendancies to date in there. As I have said in an ideal world I would love to just snap my fingers, turn into an attractive young female (I have to admit this is the only female form I would wish to be) and see what it is like. However, I worry I would miss my male body and any potential future relationship I might have with a female (bear in mind at the moment I should also admit I have never really had a desire to masturbate and not actually having had sex I can't really comment on it) and one day I do want to have children of my own (it is admittedly a wish of mine). I kind of get the feeling I am a mixture of both male and female but I'm not quite sure which is more me.
I have to say - it has been really good to get all that off my chest because I've never told anyone I know personally about such thoughts. I do live in the UK btw.
EDIT - I should also point out (given how I'm embarrassed to tell anyone about these feelings) I have actually mustered the courage to go to two different beauty salons to get my legs and rear end waxed. A painful process I'll admit but I never made a sound during it (which surprised the person doing it given it was my first/second time). As a result I might go back one day for a facial (that I would really love to do) but that might mean admitting too much to the salons. They do openly accept males for all things they do though.
EDIT2 - Can I also say that quite often (though not always) in recent times exams frequently act as a ticking time bomb for thinking about these thoughts even more and eventually making the impulse purchases off the likes of eBay. However, this is not always the case (it wasn't the case in July 2005 - though my new job might have been) and wasn't the case before I went to a beaty salon twice.
