I've made some progress on who I am:

I finally got myself out in a club on a night out: skirt, makeup, girls top and shoes. Had a great time, no issues in there, people actually spoke to me. I feel better about my gender dysphoria, but I have a general question:

I find sometimes I dont think I could transition because of the sheer amount of work that would go into it, and Id never have those womanly hips, so I find that offputting. Sometimes I tell myself to 'man up' and things like that, but I find the thought of that depressing.
It puts me off thinking about being a woman.

Anyone else feel that?

Quote from: jaybutterfly on March 16, 2014, 11:29:53 AM
Anyone else feel that?

In a word, yes. I posted this about 8 months before I went fulltime:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.0.html

Then, a follow-up a year later, after I had been fulltime for a few months:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,128509.msg1273547.html#msg1273547

Yes, I experience this as well. But I gave up on the 'man up' tactic.. it doesn't work and it never will.

The sheer amount of work required is nothing in comparison to the monetary cost (HRT, endo, shrink, new wardrobe, electrolysis, operations, shoes, etc) and physical pain (electrolysis, operations, hair removal, shoes, etc) not to mention the emotional cost and pain. Transition is not for the faint hearted. Nature dealt us a dud hand and if we need to move hell and high water to get a marginally better set of gender cards then so be it.

I say all this not to put you off, just to stress that yes it is a lot of work...it has nothing to do with "manning up" (as you put it) and everything to do with being realistic about how massively difficult and confronting this process is. Believe me, if you go ahead with it, "not having hips" will be the least if your concerns at many points along the way.

But you know what? If you truly feel you will be happier, if you feel you will be yourself presenting 24/7 as a woman, if the prospect of spending the rest of your life as a genetic male fills you with utter dread and despair, then believe me...that long, difficult, expensive, painful journey is worth every step of thee way.

Yes the hips thing is off putting to me too, big time. But you can't let it dominate your whole decision or hold you back.

Luckily there are a lot of other things that you CAN do right now that will make you happy. You could do like I do and hold a little faith in modern medicine... Maybe in 5-10 years time there will be something that serves as a good or much better option for permanent correction of those hips (I know I would be first on the list).

Until then, there's no reason to get held back by it. There are definitely safe + cheap ways to make yourself feel better, and let me know if you're interested.

If you can't tell, hips have always been my #1 dysphoria trigger. I totally feel you

Quote from: jaybutterfly on March 16, 2014, 11:29:53 AMI find sometimes I dont think I could transition because of the sheer amount of work that would go into it...

I understand, as do so many others here.  But it's not going to get any easier, and the dysphoria is unlikely to go away.

Think of it this way: it's a huge amount of work, but it doesn't have to be done all at once.  In fact, it can't all be done at once.  Therapy takes time, hormones take time, learning to be female takes time, etc.  You can do a little bit each and every day - like eating an elephant, one mouthful at a time.

Yeah, it's discouraging when looking at the big picture, but there's also plenty of girls here who have got through it and emerged on the other side happier than they would have ever believed possible.  Don't give up!   

I had those feelings alot before I came out. The level of support, and the expectation of change keep me motivated to climb this mountain no matter how high it is.

Yeah, I understand how you feel.  Not so much "man up", but the whole fear of all the work and effort.  Everything feels like a costant struggle.  You need to ask yourself what's more worth it in the end.  Is this really going to make you happier?  Is it worth all the time, work, effort and money needed to get past everything?  We can't answer that for you.  That needs to come from within.  One thing I'll say is that despite all the hardships I have faced since starting my transition, I don't regret having done so.  It's the right answer for me as frustrating and challenging as it can be. I hope you find the answer for you in some time. 

Yes, it feels like an impossible impossiability sometimes. Especially when your own.

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I'll echo what others have said.

It is a lot of work, and I'll never have the body that I really want. I can get a close approximation.

But at the same time, I'm much more at peace with myself now than before. For me, the legal name and gender change was a big part of this as it was a public solidification of my identity. I'm at a strange in between stage in my medical transition, and at 44 years old I don't know when or if that transition will complete.

I still have various triggers. But making progress, even little steps, can be helpful. At least, that's been my experience

I think, for me, the hardest part is dealing with the friction between the prospects of living as a man and presenting as a woman.

Sometimes I feel trapped.

Transitioning is hard. It feels like I have to claw, scrape, and clutch desperately for each scrap of self-esteem and dignity. Learning how to wear the right clothes, re-learning how to talk - these things are incredibly difficult, and yet even the slightest mistake can have drastic personal and social consequences. And realizations like, "oh I wouldn't have to go through all of this if I had gotten HRT sooner/had gone through the right puberty/etc" sometimes get me down.

At the same time, I can't live as a man. It just isn't possible. I'm a lady. Forcing myself to live like a man is, literally, death by slow torture.

So that leaves me with only one real path to take: transitioning. The prospect of transitioning is overwhelming, but I've been forced into it. So much to learn and re-learn, so much to take in all at once, so much uncertainty. It's terrifying.

It's terrifying, but... now that I'm actually doing it, I'm finding it's not that bad. Certainly less confusion and fear than going through the wrong puberty, or trying to live as the wrong gender.

I've actually become a stronger person since I began transitioning. I still feel fragile and overwhelmed, but I've gained a lot of certainty and confidence just by taking concrete actions to live as a woman. When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a lady now - sometimes I even smile at myself. I have a name and identity that doesn't make me cringe and think of self-harm. These are things I've never had before. I can't pass quite yet, but I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

Every day, the endless list of Transitioning Stuff I need to learn and keep track of seems just a little less daunting.