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It was three years ago this month that I did come out to my pastor of the church I have attended for 24 years by now.  At the pastor's request I did write a letter to the vestry, which is my church's lay board of directors of the parish corporation.  In the letter I put forth just the details they needed to know, including how I would like to be addressed, with my then unofficial female name, and assured them that  if they could not simply accept me quietly but openly I would understand and go elsewhere.  Three months later the vestry asked me to come in female mode to one of their meetings, which I did.  They asked me to only take my transition with them slow and easy while they had time to let the general membership know.  By the end of September I had a two Sunday vacation planned, and the first Sunday of October I appeared in finished female mode and was a lay intercessor that day.  The hugs were real and there was only quiet one on one mention that I had made any change in my life, even though I had been slowly converting my clothing over the summer.

Do as you must for yourself, but in my conference with my pastor three years ago I was told of a real concern for me and notice of my subtle changes.  The people who had seen this were genuine and loving and have remained that way.  I am now on the Vestry for three years coming up until 2017.

We hear so much of rejection and shunning that it is difficult to realize people will love and honor us however we are.  Yes I get to help with the children's part of the church too, and they have no hesitation about me.  I am now one of the members of the women's guild, and have my part on the kitchen staff.  None of that happened in the prior 20 years.  I am more authentic and have more to give them.  Let them know exactly what you are doing, give them the chance to give distance if it is to happen, and yes move aside for the time it takes you to finish your transition as far as dress and other presentation.  The Peace of the Lord be always with you!!

It is important not to confuse a conflict with the church with a conflict with Christ.  My life experience differs so I cannot comment, but I will say that it is critical to keep your relationship with Christ and not let anything interfere with that.  There can be disillusion, bitterness, all kinds of stuff, but to not feel the compassion of Christ is not right, especially if that is due to human misunderstanding or interference.

It sounds painful.

I think we need to bring our pain to Him, the Book says He will dry our tears.

So glad you have the support on the board of someone that actually has that life experience to share with you.

God Bless and hang in there.

NIsn't it perhaps a good thing that he acknowledged you in the way he did?

# he gave some time before he did it, so it would seem apparent that he gave it some thought.

# while he probably has researched it, he came to you asking how YOU thought the church could support you

# perhaps he did it via email so that you could digest it on your own. I think that most of us might expect a face to face to be the start of an intervention since that follows the stereotype.

As for the lady who was concerned by your absence "since he's gay", her motivations are harder to decipher.

You describe it to sound like a great place, a church that has its head together. Most churches would unite in rejection, vocal confusion, or fracture. I wish, in all aspects, I had such a church at all points in my life.

Best of luck with the choice you make.

Her situation sounds FAR better than my situation.  My wife and son have been going to a small, local church for about a year.  It's not the only church they've visited in that time.  Today I went to that church, mostly to experience our son's baptism.  We live in a small town, and in this town you rarely see anyone out of their homes, and out and about.  I think a lot of it has to do with bigger towns being nearby.  Why hang out here, doing nothing, when  you can go elsewhere and play at a park, eat out or go shopping? 

The church is lead by a pastor who seems to really know the Word of God.  He seems strong in his conviction, and he seems to want to listen to the congregation.  If I wanted to go to a church where the pastor, and the deacons, and the elders, knew the Word of God, this is where I go. 

My problem isn't that I'm lost or that my relationship with the Lord has been broken.  It's that I haven't found a church that will accept me for who I am, and not judge me on appearance alone.  The Bible says nothing, for or against, physically living as one sex but identifying as another.  I did not get the feeling that the pastor there would be willing to have his views on the Bible changed.  I did not get the feeling that the members of the church, so closely tied to one another, our community and our son would understand what I am going through, and would be willing to put aside their preconceptions of "cross dressing" to understand me on a deeper, more spiritually correct, level.

This church isn't for me.  If you're a straight, God loving, hard working family, then it's a great church to become a member of.  The pastor is a caring guy.  He talks about how parents need to be parents for other parents' children, too.  For a person who is embarking on a journey to change the physical appearance from one gender to another, or a person who is attracted to same or both sexes, this ain't that church. 

My wife agrees that we will should look for an Episcopal church in the next week or two.  One where both the body of the church stands united for the Lord, and where members of the body can be who they really are.

I hate having to deal with this constant fear of exposure - maliciously - and the gay bashing I hear in the pulpits in general of the conservative church- which I go to in general.  We have a church but there is no way that I can let my hair down there for sure.  At the same time I feel more a part of it than anywhere else- usually I feel completely "less than" as a non male non female type social identity or more like a "dont I look and act like a standard guy" when I am out stealth.  I don't feel comfortable presenting as either sex at the moment but the easiest one is still male and the only way I keep my wife is to present male around her and socially.  Which I am willing to do.

I think the Lord sees all this and it grieves Him.  Yet I cannot expect a normal male to not instinctively pick up on something with me, whether its estrogenic pheromone, softenings, somehow seeing my hidden chest or just a knowledge that something is different.

I cannot seem to unlearn all the years of abuse, criticism, etc.  This weekend we went to visit family, I had to cut my nails which I never do for anyone, to stay stealth with very rigid family,  and my hair is a bit longer which I have been enjoying.  My wife when we got home said I needed to cut my hair because I was an embarrassment.  Now I am going through the whole rationalization/self justification/self sacrifice scenario... having to make acceptable to me the conformity I do not wish to take part in, for the sake of peace.  I would like her to love me as I am when fully transitioned but that is not the deck of cards I was dealt.  And it is reasonable for me to meet her halfway as I have and to be blessed with a happy marriage.  She did not sign up for my being dysphoric, we thought I had been cured through the church in my late 20's.

Anyway I am venting, I can wig up, I can push it a little with the nails again later... but I don't feel safe taking any risks and I really cannot take one more occurrance of either gay bashing or outing or any kind of negativity toward me and my body.  I have been at the breaking point for years.  Therapy has helped but the pain still remains, lessened, but real, and always in danger of turning into a massive fit of rage.

So I yeild myself to Christ again sacrificially and keep going.  We used to do a lot of online church, when I was too damaged to go back.  Eventually the Lord led us to a place where I am feeling like trying again.  They invited me to join in ministry though the theater, but the Lord is telling me Not Yet, wait a year.  So I shall wait upon the Lord and see what happens.

Just got into another meltdown with the kids over leaving no gas in a car needed for work.  Yelling on sublinguals really screws things up and my dosage loss is going to be a pain in about 4 hours.  Nuts.

God Bless.  Just venting here.

To the OP: It sounds like the church is important to you, so I would suggest that you stay.  You have changed from boy mode to girl mode with no explanations - and none have been asked of you.  That sounds as good as it gets.

I had an incident at my church that sort of shows how it goes.  I was delivering treats for coffee hour on Sunday morning.  The air conditioning was out so the musicians were gathered ouside near the entrance I backed up to unload stuff.  They made some observations:

- Volkswagen (New) Beetle
- (Plastic) Flowers in the vase
- Long Hair
- Sandals
- Brownies in the collection of goodies (chocolate and sugar - no "magic" stuff)

I got comments.  Not about gay, not about trans.  The comparison was with a 60's Hippy.  This group will kid around and I need a fairly thick hide to just joke along.

As I start to more seriously transition it will get more complicated.  I have had some really exploratory discussions with leadership and I am sure this will work out.  Socially interacting with the same group of people after transition that you knew before transition is a difficult step.  That sort of eliminates the idea of stealth.

You have made a number of steps along the path.  I encourage you to keep on going, and stay in the same church.

Best wishes that this goes smoothly for you.


Erin

I'm stalking you online tonight, just FYI. Creepy, sure. But, my plans for the evening fell through, and if I look at another job application today I'm going to throw my computer through my window and into my neighbors yard, pull out my hair, and then run stark naked and screaming off into the moonlight... Anyway, suffice it to say I'm bored. 

So. I'm going to comment on this. To be honest. I can't comment much on your choices. They're yours to make. Although, you and I have talked about this topic before, so, I do know religion was important enough to you that this was not an easy decision to grapple with.

I dunno. I can understand the feeling of awkwardness involving people taking interest in your transition when you'd rather them just not care. And I can certainly see it being easy to walk away from religion entirely rather than mixing your transition in with your religion. But. I will say, you are probably the ONLY person I've met in my peer group who voluntarily went to church without familial prodding on into their adulthood. So, I dunno. I might suggest don't give up on it forever. Maybe just put it on pause for now. You may find it calling you back one day.

In the meantime, I think I may have told you once that I explore spirituality through nature. Nothing formal - no books or rules. Just, getting out there, immersing myself in, and enjoying the beauty of the world. I haven't since fall, because, well, it's been cold, and I don't do cold so well. But, as the weather warms up I plan on getting back out there. I wouldn't mind the company, if you're interested.

I too love nature.  God's hand is in everything.  It is why I am ever so close to becoming a vegetarian.  I can not eat meat unless it is burned beyond recognition.  I do not believe in killing for food, and would not if I was starving.

If you walk from the church, it doesn't mean you have to walk from your religion or most importantly your loving and compassionate Christ.  Please don't lose Him over bitterness or frustration with the church itself.  They may not understand, but He would, He created you for companionship with Him.  As you are.  Full transition.

Never allow anyone or anything to interfere with your priceless relationship with Jesus.  No one has the right to do that or to be used to cause that to happen.  It is a bad thing.  You deserve your Jesus and your joy in Him and this wonderful world He created, that people keep on foolishly messing up, because they are little children and do not understand.

God Bless.

Quote from: Nora Flexion on March 19, 2014, 09:44:24 PM
I do have this odd fantasy of going back to my old fundamentalist church in Lexington, once (if) I am able to pass with my voice.  I'd like to dress up in a nice fundie girl dress---maybe white---just above ankle length, and some conservative makeup.  Then I'd walk into my old Sunday school class where I sat for years during college, to see my teacher, who I had been somewhat close to at the time.  Introduce myself as a young college student.  See the pastor, my instructors at Bible college, and all the layfolk... see if anyone recognizes me.    Mark my words, I am going to do it.  This is one of my goals of transition, one of my important mile markers.

But in all seriousness... I'm not quitting out of bitterness.  I'm quitting because church and mainstream religion have faded from relevance in my life.  It wasn't really a tough choice, it was only a matter of time.  Of course, it's not like I'm burning bridges, even though I don't intend on going back.  Got no reason to be destructive about it, I'm simply not making the decision to go anymore.  No drama other than whatever has already played out internally with me.

I set the same mile marker, of sorts, with Walmart. I delayed going full time because of my fears over coming out while I worked there. So, it was important to me to conquer that fear before I felt I could move forward. I'm still thoroughly amused that I was not recognized, at all, and had to be asked what my name was five minutes into a conversation. So I totally understand and respect where you're coming from with that desire to go back just once.

But... I dunno. After the conversation I had with my roommate tonight... I'd say religion is for people like him, and faith is for people like you and me. I could wax philosophic on that topic for a while, but quite frankly I'm still a little pissed about the conversation with my roommate, so I think I might just go aimlessly drive around for a while instead. So, raincheck.