As the post says... I'm totally clueless about who I am and what gender identity I have. I don't know why I feel this all of a sudden. One reason might be that I've been called '"lady" on this forum a few times now, and the latest was today. I hate myself for not knowing and I hate the whole system in Sweden when you determine your gender identity. Three long years to get a diagnose and the only diagnose you can get is transsexual. Nothing in between, just transsexual.

Here is the story of my life...

I was born on march 10, 1993 and I had my Umbillical Cord twisted around my neck so I couldn't breathe when I was born, they managed to remove it in time and I survived. Both my parents were very young. My mom had just turned 20 and my dad was 23. Initially when my mom told my dad that she was pregnant he rejected her and refused to have anything to do with her. But as the months went by he came to his senses and they married in late 1992.
As I grew up there were several things with me that were abnormal for other children in my age. I didn't learn to walk until I was about 21 months old and I was extremely clumsy. But I was very quick to learn to talk and I could read by myself when I was three years old. When I started kindergarten my parents thought that I was just a normal boy and that I would fit right in. Boy were they wrong!
The first day I spent away from home I got bullied for being myself and being distant in social conversations and not understanding other children's emotions.
I was bullied throughout my whole school-life and I was beaten badly and scarred by others several times. All this because of me being different. I got angry very easily and everyone loved to play the "taunting-Jimmy-game" just to see if I would explode and start chasing them.
When I was young I always wanted to have long hair, but every two or three months my dad cut it. "Because boys don't have long hair".
Just when I hit puberty I started having nightmares of the grown-up version of me. I can't even tell how many nights I spent awake just being scared of growing facial hair and getting a deeper voice. I cried and I begged my parents to make it stop. But they said that it is something that I must go through. So I tried to stop thinking about all of it. But that didn't last very long for me.
I got older and started the 7th-9th grade in a "special-needs" class because of my problems with other children.
At this time I started browsing the internet and found a lot of things that had slightly to do with what I felt. But all of this was just fetish stuff and I felt sick about myself for having these feelings that you weren't supposed to have. I tried to stop thinking about it again.
My family has been the same since 1997 when my youngest brother was born. My dad is what you can call backwards-thinking and is a homophobe and every other term you can think of regarding non-gender conforming identities. My mother is a bit better but is also thinking a lot like my father when it comes to gender. Both my younger brothers are also like my parents in this matter. None of us are religious or so, but still they think the way they do.
So apparently I didn't want to talk to my parents about these feelings and I didn't know what to do.
I started high-school and I still hadn't talked to anyone about my feelings or issues. Because of my diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD and the fact that I had been bullied throughout my life I had developed a severe social ancienty. I didn't start talking to my fellow classmates until the second term in my first year. Throughout high school my feelings came and went several times. I googled a lot but I never had the guts to do anything about my feelings. I browsed some pages that dealt with transgender themes in a positive way but I was very afraid about all of this and I held all of it to myself.
When I turned 18 I was seriously feeling very down. School was tough and my training(Cross Country running) wasn't going well. Along with this I had started thinking about the fact that I might be something other than the "normal" gender-wise.
So I made the most stupid attempt ever of trying to come out. I told my mother that I might be transgender. She wasn't accepting of it at all and said that I was just a perverted gay or something like that. I didn't say another word to anyone about it and my mother forgot about us two ever having that conversation.
So I tried and failed and withdrew into my little shell. I am very dependant on my parents and they are actually nice in most ways except when it comes to gender.
I have been seeing therapists since I was ten years old and I've never even mentioned my thoughts about this to anyone. This is mostly because of me being afraid of my parents ever finding out about any of this and I've stayed shut about almost everything about my gender-issues to everyone.
The only thing I've ever "come out" with is beeing Asexual and even then my parents and relatives weren't very accepting about it.
I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to talk to anyone about these feelings.

And here I am. The person writing this post has been suffering physically and mentally throughout they're whole life and haven't had the nerves to do anything about it. I hate myself to a certain extent and I don't like what I see in the mirror.
I don't know what to do or where to go and I feel so bad about my inability to speak to others and my fear for my parents ever finding out about any of this.
I am not considering suicide nor have I any thoughts about dying, I just feel bad.

So yeah, that's basically it. Thanks for reading.

Several of the things you mentioned in your history makes me thing you should look up "Klinefelter's Syndrome". Some of your developmental issue's could be very well explained there. I am not saying you have it, but might find the information interesting. If you see the similarities I do to some of your symptoms your doctor could do a Karyotype test to rule it out.

I am sorry you feel so bad right now and had an upbringing close to my own. PM if you would like to talk in private, I am always available to anyone here. Hang in there!!

I'm not that sure about Klinefelter's. It says that it will show some signs when you hit puberty. But i can't really agree with any of them. I'm not "very tall". I'm 6'2" and my younger brother is about 6'3" and the youngest is about to hit 6'0".
I don't have very wide hips and I didn't experience a large chest when I was in puberty.

Working out who we are is the hardest thing in life, possibly the main purpose of it. All those people around you going about their life as if they know who they are? Most of them have no clue either, myself included, so please don't feel you are alone in that regard.

BTW, my brother also came into the world with his umbilical wrapped around his neck, touch and go for a while!

I am not very muscular in my upper body but my lower body is very strong. My weight is about 70kg/150 pounds and I have never felt weak. I competed at the highest national level in running so I definitely wasn't experiencing any lack of energy either.

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 19, 2014, 04:08:02 PM
Working out who we are is the hardest thing in life, possibly the main purpose of it. All those people around you going about their life as if they know who they are? Most of them have no clue either, myself included, so please don't feel you are alone in that regard.

BTW, my brother also came into the world with his umbilical wrapped around his neck, touch and go for a while!

Thanks Grace. I know that I'm not alone but I just feel very alone since I don't know anyone who's in the same situation as me.

It will come.  Sadly it will do so in its own time, and there's no way to rush it.  It is sad though that people aren't double checking what someone has as their gender marker, and verifying how someone wishes to be addressed when its not a standard F or M listed.

Here's another similarity for us.  I also had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck too, thankfully it attended to before it was life threatening.  My touch and go period after birth was from the pneumonia rather that than the umbilical cord around my neck.

Do you hate things against your neck? Just curious, as I always have.  Anything close to my neck causes me to feel like I'm being strangled even when it's loose around my neck.  My mom used to put me in turtle necks because she thought I looked good in them, eventually had to stop because it never went over well, and I'd ruin the neck after a few wears.  Even regular shirt collars get stretched out before I can wear them comfortable.  I can't even watch someone be strangled with a cord in a movie without feeling like I'm the one being strangled.  It has always been a thing long before I knew I had the cord around my neck, and have always figured it might be some physical memory from that. 

Quote from: Colleen♡Callie on March 19, 2014, 04:32:06 PM
It will come.  Sadly it will do so in its own time, and there's no way to rush it.  It is sad though that people aren't double checking what someone has as their gender marker, and verifying how someone wishes to be addressed when its not a standard F or M listed.

Here's another similarity for us.  I also had the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck too, thankfully it attended to before it was life threatening.  My touch and go period after birth was from the pneumonia rather that than the umbilical cord around my neck.

Do you hate things against your neck? Just curious, as I always have.  Anything close to my neck causes me to feel like I'm being strangled even when it's loose around my neck.  My mom used to put me in turtle necks because she thought I looked good in them, eventually had to stop because it never went over well, and I'd ruin the neck after a few wears.  Even regular shirt collars get stretched out before I can wear them comfortable.  I can't even watch someone be strangled with a cord in a movie without feeling like I'm the one being strangled.  It has always been a thing long before I knew I had the cord around my neck, and have always figured it might be some physical memory from that.

I most certainly do Colleen. I've never linked these two occurences together but when I come to think of it I do hate having things around my neck. I don't have the feelings as much as you do though. I can watch others getting strangled on TV, but I don't get that feeling.

I think I finally connected the two a few years ago.  Well telling someone about that feeling over the internet and something on tv or something had reminded me about the umbilical cord earlier that day, and half way through typing it out it clicked.

Hey there,

I just wanted to reply to this since i've been reading a lot and have seen you help a lot of people and let you know that you're not alone with your childhood/early years. It seems like we were, and in my case still am, quite outcast from any group since we don't mentally fit in with males and don't physically fit in with females, so it creates a terribly lonely middle that leaves you in a state of confusion for a long time so it's really no wonder why things like social anxiety start to come into play - even if we had something in common with someone it's not the type of thing you jump up and shout "me too!" about. And becoming an adult doesn't automatically make this past go away, despite what people might think.

As for parents, it's hard to discern what they really believe. Older generations never seemed to really deal with any of these issues even though many probably went or are going through it, so perhaps it's more of a fear thing on their part rather than hate driven. You say you haven't had the nerves to do anything about it but if it makes you feel any better you've done a lot more than I have to try and determine where you want to be. Did the reaction from your mother when you came out as trans make you apprehensive about mentioning it or confronting it again? It likely would with me, but I'm thinking that would only compound trans feelings, the man up approach isn't doing s%%t for me not matter how much I try and it gets harder and harder to live as a male with this on my mind. Perhaps with some time and explanation your mother might be more understanding, but after all the s%%t you've dealt with you have to come first this once at least.

Sorry, I wish I could provide some actual answer about what to do but it's really awkward when the only power you have is to relate to something. I hope you find happiness

Quote from: 930310 on March 19, 2014, 04:35:36 PM
I don't have the feelings as much as you do though. I can watch others getting strangled on TV, but I don't get that feeling.

The odd part of it is that it has to be specifically with a cord or rope.  And strangled.  Strangled by hand invokes nothing, being hanged, nothing.  Rope wrapped around the neck and pulled tight, suddenly I feel like I'm being strangled. 

First noticed the difference in a horror movie where a curse was killing people and making it look like they committed suicide where there were multiple modes of strangulation used, the only one that got me was when a rope wrapped itself around main characters neck.  5 minutes later shots of people hanging, totally fine.

Quote from: Izla on March 19, 2014, 04:45:50 PM
Hey there,

I just wanted to reply to this since i've been reading a lot and have seen you help a lot of people and let you know that you're not alone with your childhood/early years. It seems like we were, and in my case still am, quite outcast from any group since we don't mentally fit in with males and don't physically fit in with females, so it creates a terribly lonely middle that leaves you in a state of confusion for a long time so it's really no wonder why things like social anxiety start to come into play - even if we had something in common with someone it's not the type of thing you jump up and shout "me too!" about. And becoming an adult doesn't automatically make this past go away, despite what people might think.

As for parents, it's hard to discern what they really believe. Older generations never seemed to really deal with any of these issues even though many probably went or are going through it, so perhaps it's more of a fear thing on their part rather than hate driven. You say you haven't had the nerves to do anything about it but if it makes you feel any better you've done a lot more than I have to try and determine where you want to be. Did the reaction from your mother when you came out as trans make you apprehensive about mentioning it or confronting it again? It likely would with me, but I'm thinking that would only compound trans feelings, the man up approach isn't doing s%%t for me not matter how much I try and it gets harder and harder to live as a male with this on my mind. Perhaps with some time and explanation your mother might be more understanding, but after all the s%%t you've dealt with you have to come first this once at least.

Sorry, I wish I could provide some actual answer about what to do but it's really awkward when the only power you have is to relate to something. I hope you find happiness

You did just fine! I know that it is something terrible that we go through and it's sad that the whole gender=sex=taboo-thing is so deeply rooted everywhere. Why can't we just let people be who they are and just mind our own business instead??