Quote from: Kate on August 16, 2007, 07:19:59 AM
I can only imagine how tempting it must be to just move on and forget all this, so truly... I... we all... deeply appreciate your generosity and selfless compassion.

It is tempting, but there's just something that keeps drawing many of us back.

Quote from: Steph on August 16, 2007, 12:31:58 PM
Just like every other woman there are high points and not so high points, but it's all a part of living your life and dealing with those curve balls that are sometimes tossed your way.

And that's just it, isn't it?

Am I happier? See, the irony is, BEFORE transitioning, I was sorta happy on the OUTSIDE. Life was kinda easy. Sure, I had the same problems everyone does with money and people and all, but overall it was fairly conventional and easy to get by.

BUT... I was miserable INSIDE. My soul was dying, withering away. And nooooo amount of outer goodness could fill that ever-widening void. So I was kinda happy on the outside, but miserable on the inside.

AFTER transition, things flipped. My soul is FINALLY at peace. Geez, I didn't even know I COULD feel this content and happy on the INSIDE. I've never known anything other than the torment of GID, so this feeling is just all *amazing* to me still.

But... the outside concerns are HUGE now. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy exactly, but certainly concerned. Just picking up a pizza is now a test of my resolve and determination. The Outer World is suddenly very complicated (though it seems I'm mainly the one complicating it with my unfounded fears and worries).

But I have faith that this will resolve itself in time. I'll become more and more passable, and more and more comfortable with not CARING if I pass. There's hope there. There was none if I didn't transition.

~Kate~

QuoteIt is tempting, but there's just something that keeps drawing many of us back.

I hope it's the great company , maybe it's really only the excellent desserts though  Whatever the reason, we're glad you're here.

Z

Quote from: Kate on August 16, 2007, 12:48:17 PM
My soul is FINALLY at peace. Geez, I didn't even know I COULD feel this content and happy on the INSIDE. I've never known anything other than the torment of GID, so this feeling is just all *amazing* to me still.

Yeah, really, tell me about it.  I've been fulltime for over a year now and it *still* continues to amaze me.  It seems to have an even bigger effect when I am in situations that used to cause me the most extreme dysphoria.  Also, the first time I do something new as a girl, whether I did it before as a guy, tends to make me feel SO wonderful inside.  That's why I did so many things last year.  I wanted to keep experiencing that feeling. 

Something new I experienced a couple days ago was I was getting measured for my costume for the musical and the costumer told me I "needed to" wear tights with it.  I've never been ordered by somebody else to wear something female specific before (although I've always wanted to be).  I've heard about this happening to GGs before, and I felt jealous, but I never expected it to happen to me.  It's little things like that which make life in the right gender so much better.

Now some things that felt so wonderful to experience as the correct gender when I first started doing them have just become normal, like swimming.  Actually swimming in particular now causes me some dysphoria due to not having SRS yet.   However, the first time I walk down the street in public wearing a skirt felt so wonderful, but now it's like, whatever, it just feels normal.  Actually sometimes the fact that it feels so normal can be equally as comforting.  But other things like being ma'amed continue to give me a good feeling inside.

Quote from: Kate on August 16, 2007, 12:48:17 PM
I wouldn't say I'm unhappy exactly, but certainly concerned. Just picking up a pizza is now a test of my resolve and determination. The Outer World is suddenly very complicated (though it seems I'm mainly the one complicating it with my unfounded fears and worries).

But I have faith that this will resolve itself in time. I'll become more and more passable, and more and more comfortable with not CARING if I pass. There's hope there. There was none if I didn't transition.

I'll admit that I do think (not really obsess) about passing occasionally (especially with it being easier to see my adam's apple from losing weight), but it's not something I like doing.  In fact, the times I don't worry about passing (which is most of the time) are when I feel the best and I enjoy life.  Thinking about it just makes me feel stressed.  Why do I think about passing?  It's not because people read me, but just my own insecurities about myself.  Hopefully over time I will become more and more comfortable with (or at least be able to fix) my body whereas I don't think about certain things.

Quote from: y2gender on August 16, 2007, 01:25:10 PMI hope it's the great company , maybe it's really only the excellent desserts though  Whatever the reason, we're glad you're here.

It's probably because this is now really my only outlet where I feel free to discuss gender related stuff.

Quote from: Kate on August 16, 2007, 12:48:17 PM

Am I happier? See, the irony is, BEFORE transitioning, I was sorta happy on the OUTSIDE. Life was kinda easy. Sure, I had the same problems everyone does with money and people and all, but overall it was fairly conventional and easy to get by.

BUT... I was miserable INSIDE. My soul was dying, withering away. And nooooo amount of outer goodness could fill that ever-widening void. So I was kinda happy on the outside, but miserable on the inside.

AFTER transition, things flipped. My soul is FINALLY at peace. Geez, I didn't even know I COULD feel this content and happy on the INSIDE. I've never known anything other than the torment of GID, so this feeling is just all *amazing* to me still.

But... the outside concerns are HUGE now. I wouldn't say I'm unhappy exactly, but certainly concerned. Just picking up a pizza is now a test of my resolve and determination. The Outer World is suddenly very complicated (though it seems I'm mainly the one complicating it with my unfounded fears and worries).

But I have faith that this will resolve itself in time. I'll become more and more passable, and more and more comfortable with not CARING if I pass. There's hope there. There was none if I didn't transition.

~Kate~

That's such a beautiful way of putting it, Kate. It will resolve in time. I went through exactly that. I was told by another lawyer before transition that I was the happiest person she knew. I was in inner torment at the time. Then the inner torment got resolved and I became outwardly self-conscious, always having to think about things that used to be normal.

It did pass for me and I'm sure it will for you too Kate.

Dennis

Quote from: Dennis on August 17, 2007, 12:41:51 AM
That's such a beautiful way of putting it, Kate. It will resolve in time. I went through exactly that. I was told by another lawyer before transition that I was the happiest person she knew. I was in inner torment at the time. Then the inner torment got resolved and I became outwardly self-conscious, always having to think about things that used to be normal.

It did pass for me and I'm sure it will for you too Kate.

Thanks Dennis, I experienced this as well.  I'm glad to know that I'm not alone and that it will pass.

I don't believe in a "perfect or good life" because it would leave me with nothing to strive for...nothing to look forward to...no reason to hope. I've had a marvelous  relationship with a loving and talented man for 5 years, the support of my family, my dog, my job, my flat and food for my table. I am blessed. Is it perfect? No. my flat is cluttered. I'm still pre-op. The dog passes gas. The fridge is not always stocked with food and my fiance and I can't fit our cars in the garage because of all the "stuff" collected through the years. How would I like it to be more perfect? Many ways - and that changes with the wind. That is one of the beauties of life. Am I happy with life right now...right this minute...more than ever?  Do I look forward to things that will improve on that? You bet. Do I expect perfection. Never. I want to have GRS though.  Will my life be perfect then?  Dunno but it will be a step closer to nirvana.  Good question for me to ponder.

QuoteIt's probably because this is now really my only outlet where I feel free to discuss gender related stuff.

---Melissa 1

I have found that GGs who are every close friends are great sounding boards for gender related stuff. Usually, there is something similar that has happened to them that they can relate to. At first, I didn't like to talk about gender stuff because it emphasized my trans status. That was an ego-based and insecure POV and I find most of my support now from GGs.

Quote from: melissa90299 on August 17, 2007, 10:00:12 AM
I have found that GGs who are every close friends are great sounding boards for gender related stuff. Usually, there is something similar that has happened to them that they can relate to. At first, I didn't like to talk about gender stuff because it emphasized my trans status. That was an ego-based and insecure POV and I find most of my support now from GGs.

Hmm, ok.  The problem is that most of my GG friends actually have no idea I'm TS.  I suppose I can talk about it in a non-TS context.  Regarding not talking about it to people who know because it might emphasize trans status is definitely something I understand and with the few people who do know about me being TS, I don't usually mention it for this reason unless somebody else brings it up first.  That's only happened like twice since going fulltime and both times were at work.  I think my theory behind that though is that it would reduce the chances of others automatically outing me to new employees (which they don't), so I don't know if it truly plays a factor or not.  I've actually been so busy lately (musical, having a girlfriend, kids, work, etc) that I haven't had much time to even talk much with my friends.  I suppose if I spent less time on here, I'd have more time to do that.   Thanks for the input though.

Quote from: Melissa on August 17, 2007, 11:22:32 AM

I've actually been so busy lately (musical, having a girlfriend, kids, work, etc) that I haven't had much time to even talk much with my friends.  I suppose if I spent less time on here, I'd have more time to do that.

But we'd miss you ..................

Quote from: louise000 on August 17, 2007, 12:07:22 PM
But we'd miss you ..................

Aww, thanks.  However, I never intended to remain in the TS community forever.  I'll have to get on with my life at some point.

Quote from: melissa90299 on August 17, 2007, 10:00:12 AM
I have found that GGs who are every close friends are great sounding boards for gender related stuff.

Me too. Women in general have been wonderful to me. Men... well, aside from pehaps my best (male) friend, although they've been supportive, they STILL kinda think of me as a "guy who's now a girl."

But the girls... a few of them aren't quite sure how to deal with me, but ALL of them were emotionally supportive, and one by one they've come to think of me as just "one of the girls." We talk and share in ways we never really did before. I mean hmmmm... if I stop and think about it, ALL my emotional support is from the women in my life: my wife, her mother, her sisters and nieces, her friend's mother, my coworker(s)... and my Muse (yeeees Melissa, I've mentioned my oddities to a professional therapist, lol).

I sometimes wonder how it is for F2Ms? Do you find that other men support and nurture you along?

~Kate~

Quote from: Melissa on August 17, 2007, 01:11:38 PM

Quote from: louise000 on August 17, 2007, 12:07:22 PM
But we'd miss you ..................

Aww, thanks.  However, I never intended to remain in the TS community forever.  I'll have to get on with my life at some point.

It sounds as if you are already and I really admire you for it. Hope you'll still be around for a while yet, just to keep us posted!

Quote from: Melissa on August 17, 2007, 11:22:32 AM
The problem is that most of my GG friends actually have no idea I'm TS. 

Sounds like you might be falling into Jennifer Diane Reitz Syndrome  > > ; JDR is the inventor of COGIATI, she is a well-known polyamoros heteara, cartoonist and web designer) Her biggest problem and the reason she put the site up was that she passes too perfectly.

I have lots of "friends"  actually more like acquaintances with whom I have never discussed gender issues. Funny, I have no idea whether or not they have any idea that I am trans because I have never asked them or brought it up. I don't know what close girl friends are for if not to discuss one's intimate feelings.  AA has a saying, and I have gotten more help with gender issues and socialization with women through AA then anything in my life, It says:

You are only as sick as your secrets.

I am so grateful that I have let loose of my ego-based insecurities about letting people know about my past. If "friends" think less of you if they find out your trans, I wouldn't want them as friends in the first place.

Quote from: Nichole W. on August 17, 2007, 03:49:05 PM
See, Kate. It gets better.

It does. And worse. And better. And worse. And better. And...

But such is life, no?

But ALSO a great thing to keep in mind when you're feeling hopeless and suicidal. DON'T DO IT! Wait. Hold on. Moods pass. True, the situation inspiring the mood MAY not change right away. But your FEELINGS about it, whatever they are, will find a way to either adapt OR find an unexpected solution. In Time.

In Time.

~Kate~

Quote from: melissa90299 on August 17, 2007, 03:59:30 PM

Quote from: Melissa on August 17, 2007, 11:22:32 AM
The problem is that most of my GG friends actually have no idea I'm TS. 

Sounds like you might be falling into Jennifer Diane Reitz Syndrome  > > ; JDR is the inventor of COGIATI, she is a well-known polyamoros heteara, cartoonist and web designer) Her biggest problem and the reason she put the site up was that she passes too perfectly.

You misunderstand.   I meant the problem with talking to most GGs about TS subjects (as you suggested doing) is that I can't because they don't know I'm TS and I want it to remain that way.  Geez, I was not saying I "pass too perfectly".

Quote from: louise000 on August 17, 2007, 03:17:51 PMIt sounds as if you are already and I really admire you for it. Hope you'll still be around for a while yet, just to keep us posted!

Well, I am living my life the best I can right now, but there will come a point when I don't want to think about being TS, but just living life as a normal woman without giving my past much thought.  That *was* my original goal after all.

Actually, Mel, you missed my point. You assume that they don't know that you are TS because they haven't mentioned it. I have lots of conversations with lots of my acquaintances  in which nothing ever comes up to confirm that they know I am TS or not, and then sometimes topics come up like today, when I was talking to a woman my age, and we both said we felt out of sorts and she said it could be this or could be that or maybe it's just menopause. Now in that case, the way she framed it, she obviously doesn't know.

But of the couple hundred women in my circle of acquaintances, I have no idea how many know I am trans. It doesn't really matter to me either way. If assuming that none of the women you know have clocked you makes you happy, more power to you.

Quote from: louise000 on August 11, 2007, 02:29:27 AM
This is a question I would like to put to those living full time in the female role, including post-op and those doing RLE.

Is life as a woman as good as you imagined it would be?

Better!

My only regret is not starting sooner.

Karen Lyn

Quote from: melissa90299 on August 19, 2007, 05:08:45 PMBut of the couple hundred women in my circle of acquaintances, I have no idea how many know I am trans. It doesn't really matter to me either way. If assuming that none of the women you know have clocked you makes you happy, more power to you.

Well, it's not as if I have large man-hands, broad shoulders, a huge chest, or that I am exceptionally tall for a woman, which I imagine would get somebody read quite quickly.  However, there are definitely subtle signs that confirm I'm not being read such as people talking about my "husband" when I've talked about my ex, subtle female discrimination, and other women treating me just like the other women, but definitely treating the men different.

Quote from: Melissa on August 19, 2007, 09:04:30 PM

Quote from: melissa90299 on August 19, 2007, 05:08:45 PMBut of the couple hundred women in my circle of acquaintances, I have no idea how many know I am trans. It doesn't really matter to me either way. If assuming that none of the women you know have clocked you makes you happy, more power to you.

Well, it's not as if I have large man-hands, broad shoulders, a huge chest, or that I am exceptionally tall for a woman, which I imagine would get somebody read quite quickly.  However, there are definitely subtle signs that confirm I'm not being read such as people talking about my "husband" when I've talked about my ex, subtle female discrimination, and other women treating me just like the other women, but definitely treating the men different.

All those experiences have happened to me as well like the menopause comment today, and people who I am "out" with treat me as much as a woman as women who don't. If you want to have some fun and really affirm how perfectly you pass, tell some of your friends that you were born a man and see their jaws drop which has happened to me on several occasions.

BTW there are GGs with broad shoulders and large hands as well as male foreheads, unusually high haiirlines, (I once saw a transwoman on Market St who had a really high hairline and she had her bangs combed down and literally pasted to her forehead with dippity-do ---Don't get any ideas, Mel) flat chests, wide jaws and brow-bossing. Those things will get you read in a heartbeat by some people but overlooked by others. Everyone has different powers of observation and perceptions of what a woman is supposed to look and sound like.