This is one of those "he said/she said" things except it's "he said/he said" since we're both guys. Fair warning, right? Bit of a vent post (sorry!). But I feel like I have to talk about it and then I'll be less upset.

So, today I got in a discussion (on vegetarianism vs. eating meat; I support the former) on Facebook with a friend of a friend, "Troy" (not his real name). He's gay and so one would assume there'd be a much lower chance of him being transphobic, but nope, that's the way he is. The discussion turned from vegetarianism vs. eating meat to him outright attacking me in every way possible: first he said that he didn't care what I think because I'm "just" his friend's roommate (unbeknownst to him, my roommate and I are very close friends), then he made several ageist comments (I'm 23, he's only 37 or 38), and then he said that my argument (about vegetarianism) was irrelevant because of my body. Literally: "If your body were ideal, you could say all you want and I would take it seriously. No offense, but I couldn't survive with a body like yours."

I responded by saying, "Is there a reason why you think my body is non-ideal? I happen to love my body. I'm a pre-op transman and I'm sexy because I love myself. I don't care what you think of my body. I love my body, and nobody else's opinions on how it should or shouldn't be will change that. I love my body now as it is, pre-op, and I will love it as it will be in the future, post-op. Why? Because it's mine. Because I love myself, all parts of myself: my weaknesses and my strengths, my failings and my successes, my darkness and my light."

Anyway, I thought the argument was over at that, but no. Tonight I got home from work to see he'd left me a message that said "I see you - I was there, in my twenties arrogant and had so many ideas about what the future holds - all wrong. Your naivete repulses me. I do not hate you. I pity you. Please open your eyes, and accept your gender assigned to you by God. You are male, were and always will be."

I might have been confused by this had my friend not texted me earlier today saying that Troy thought I was MTF (I'm FTM). But I'm offended. I'm very offended by this, and maybe this sounds strange, but I feel offended on behalf of all of my sisters. This is the sort of crap he'd be saying to any transwoman unlucky enough to meet him. I'm at the point where I honestly don't care what people like Troy think of me--whether it's my body, my gender identity, or whether I'm "really" a man--but this really, really bothered me.

I think the main thing is that it was a reminder of how much bigotry there is out there. I really wish I had the resources to help my brothers and sisters transition and that I knew how to help with trans advocacy (I think that's what you call it?) and help get people all over the world to understand that we're just people, that we deserve just as much respect as any cisgender person.

I mean, yeah, it could've been worse. He could have said something much worse. But just the reminder of it all... The last few days, I've been starting at my new job and ALL of my co-workers and managers are completely fine with me (I'm pre-op, can't bind, have a deep voice but no facial hair), and it's like I was temporarily in my own little bubble of safety, only to be reminded by Troy that there's a lot of people out there who are transphobic and don't have a problem letting trans people know that they think they should just stay the gender assigned to them at birth.

Does anyone else feel like this, once in a while? Just frustrated with the way things are. I mean, what hurts me more is not his comment or his intention or any of that, but being reminded that so many of my brothers and sisters have to deal with this sort of bull->-bleeped-<- all the time. I'm a lot tougher than I was when I first began transitioning, so it's not a big deal if someone says something like what Troy said to me, but... man, I just want to give all you guys and ladies a big hug! I crave change on a personal level--I really would love to be able to finish transitioning--but so much more on a global level. I want the world to change, or rather, the attitudes of the people in the world to change. But what can I do? I'm just one man.

TL;DR: Friend of a friend made a transphobic comment to me; I was upset not so much on a personal level but because I'm frustrated with how much bigotry is in the world. I wish I could do something to change this, somehow make things a lot easier for all my brothers and sisters, but everything I can think of just isn't possible. I can't pay for anyone's transition, let alone my own. I don't have a clue how I'd encourage tolerance (other than simply explaining trans stuff to people who ask; but I do that anyway). I want change in the world but I don't know how to make that happen.

Hi,
I think you should have told him the same sh*t he told you, but this thime using his own sexual orientation.
We always have to remember that people who suffer bigotry can quickly become the bigots, and this is the essential crap of human nature.

I feel really sad when I see transphobia from L, G or B individuals.  Have they learned nothing at all from homophobia in their own life?  I'm sure at some point he's heard, "Please accept the role assigned to you by nature and God - to be with a woman and procreate."  Sigh.

I also feel the need to change the whole world in a direction away from transphobia and homophobia.  It can really get to me that I can't, and that year after year young trans people are re-exposed to same troubles we faced years ago, as if we haven't moved as a society.

I've learned the hard way that people are most moved when they have close friends or loved ones involved, and that it's hard to persuade them with abstract ideas. It's why as much as I value my privacy, I also know that keeping it comes at a cost because it prevents me from being a more effective advocate. It's also strange how much harder it can be to love ourselves in the midst of all the negativity surrounding us. So glad to hear the story of someone loving themselves and their body the way they are.

And yeah, that's funny when people misidentify you in the wrong direction. That happened to me when I had short hair.